Catholic Weddings

Will the tests ever end?

It's been quite some time since I've been on here but I'm needing some advice. Its been a very rough summer for me and my fiance. To say it nicely, our engagement hasn't been what either of us really wanted and it seems like every time we turn around there is a new test awaiting us. My fiance, Andy, was in a car accident earlier this summer and had to buy a new car, which was our first major unexpected expense. He handled it well even though he was very unhappy about settling back into car payments since his other car had been paid off. We continued to buy all the furniture we'd need for our new home together and my parents even gave us an extremely nice living room set so that we wouldnt have to worry about it. We were so excited. We put everything into storage and went on our way. We found out nearly three weeks after it happened that someone had stolen everything we owned out of our storage unit in town. We had nothing left. Andy took the money we were going to use for our honeymoon, all the bonuses he'd saved up, and used it to buy new furniture to set us back on track. A decision we made togther and it was very hard.

Sometimes, I feel so useless. Andy makes more money than I do because I"m in school and working only part time until I finish. Nearly everything rests on his shoulders. Everyone keeps telling me that that's how it's supposed to be, that that's the man's job....but this is our life together and I want to help him as much as I can. Andy says he doesn't mind making ends meet until that extra income my job will bring in but I can tell this summer has knocked him down. I just don't know what I can do for him, for us. There is still so much to figure out. The next biggest step is finding a place of our own. Should we rent or buy until I"m done with school? There are just so many twists and turns and it seems like every time we make a few steps forward something knocks us back to square one.

I don't question the love I share with Andy. I believe in him and I know he'll make this all work somehow. I've seen what he is capable of when it comes to taking care of and protecting those he loves. He's a good man but he's so used to being independent that he forgets he's not in this alone sometimes. How can I help him? Is anyone else having these problems? I don't know, I'm just running ragged and I need some help. Will the tests ever end? Are we alone in our struggles to starting our new life together?

Re: Will the tests ever end?

  • Riss91Riss91 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Hey amber!

    I think that these big transitional times in our lives are always crazy and your situation is no-different! I have been the bread-winner in our relationship and have had to figure out ways out of crazy situations, too. Eventhough it is very stressful at times to feel all of that pressure, I am never stressed by my husband. I think the best thing you can do is ask him what he needs, be diligent about minimizing the pressure. Take other responsibilities away from him, so that he has more down-time. And just continue to work hard at providing whatever you can.

    My husband (who works from home at the moment) does a lot more around the house - cooking, cleaning, etc. When I get home, he is very comforting to me... he rubs my shoulders when I'm tense, he lets me vent about my day and he makes me laugh. It also helps that I know he is doing everything he possibly can to be earning a more stable salary. So I think the best thing you can do is just minimize the other stressers and handle as much as you can, to take some of the weight off him.

    Good luck!
  • edited December 2011
    Our engagement wasn't perfectly smooth sailing. There were fights and tears and frustrations and struggles, because we were both under a lot of stress and really scared about how those stressors would impact our marriage. It was hard for us to learn to work through those things 100% as a team, not just supporting one another, but this is both of us, one family. One team. One unit.

    Honestly, though, we worked through it and trusted God. We prayed. A lot. Often seperately, but always together. We got in the habit of praying at night on the phone before we went to bed. At first, it felt awkward, because we weren't together, but then it came to be normal and natural. We still make it a point to pray together every day.

    I think that the struggles really made us stronger. We know that we can survive the struggles that life will throw at us. We  trust our love. We trust God. We've developed a relationship between us and God (not just God and us as individuals).

    I know that's not a perfect answer to your question, but ultimately, I think you have to pray and give it to God. He'll help you figure these things out.
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  • _Dagney__Dagney_ member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My FIL dies 1.5 weeks before our wedding.
    We had a hurricane, earthquake and flooding.
     A tree fell on my parents house.
     My sister, aunt and uncle and FH's uncle and grandmother all missed the wedding due to flooding.

    Even our Photographer cancelled.

    But we had a wonderful wedding.

    Just because things happen near your wedding, doesn't mean they are related.  It just feels like that because we are all so focused on one day.
  • edited April 2012

    Give yourselves a little break. That's a lot to deal with in such a short time. Keep focusing on school and you'll be able to help even more when you have your degree.

    Also get renter's insurance. Sometimes you can even get it to cover your belongings in storage. It's relatively inexpensive and so worth it.

  • edited December 2011
    We haven't experienced anything like the stress you have, but we've definitely had our rocky times. FI has part custody of his son, so he spends half his time with me, then drives three hours to the house he rents so he can be with his son. It is exhausting for him, and sometimes I want to tell him to just stay up there and rest...but then I miss him when he isn't here. So I try to drive up there on the weekends he has his son, so I can spend more time with them both. His mother also is apparently jealous of our relationship...I think she thought after he got divorced that she would have him at her beck and call.

    I agree with PP's about praying and might add the suggestion to offer up your suffering. And when I fret about FI's stress and ask what I can do, he says: "just take good care of yourself." Your time of carrying a little extra will come; that's how relationships work. Focus on your school and what you need to do...my guess is that will help him relax so he doesn't worry about you in addition to all these other things. My FI is a very independent type as well, and it was hard for a long time because I thought he didn't ask for help because he didn't need me! But I have come to peace with accepting him as he is, because that's how I love him!

    The two of you have already been through a rough time, you know you are strengthening your relationship!

    Best wishes and hugs and prayers...have faith that things will work out in the end -

    Linda
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