Two ceremony questions...

Eliz77

We met with the Deacon last night to catch up, go over some ceremony details and ask about a couple things. The ones that still need to be figured out are taking flowers to the Blessed Mother and the unity candle. He seemed kinda "whatever you want to do" about both tasks. Does everyone include one or the other or both?

If we do the unity candle, is there a specific set up? All the Deacon told us is two single candles, one big center candle, but didn't say if there are specific things we need to look for. Google shows a bunch obviously created for such events, some nice and simple, some over the top with wording and designs. I'd be leaning towards pretty and simple, and like the idea of something I'd keep and light on anniversaries to come.

What kind of flowers do you bring the Blessed Mother, and how is it arranged? It is a narrow aisle where the set up is, so I am a bit worried how I will manuever it, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I presume it follows the vows when there is a bit of a break and some music playing? 

Riss91

I would skip the unity ceremony, if possible. If you feel very inclined to do it....you should do it right after the vows.

We did the presentation to Mary as the last people had received communion.

BTCarolus

Do you want the presentation to Mary to be semi-private, or do you want everybody to watch it happening. We aren't doing it, but if we were we would just do it during communion and have a private moment. I think the most traditional of traditional Marian flowers are white roses with the thorns removed. But there are several flowers that are associated with Mary, and really any would be appropriate, although I believe there are several associated with specific times of the year, like Madonna Lily around the Annunciation. White orange blossoms are also attached to her, that is what I would choose in the summer, I think, at least as part of the bouquet.

I really am not a fan of unity candles or unity whatevers. They just seem pretty cheesey to me, especially since the whole wedding is already all about unity. We're working with two separate priests for our wedding, and it was kind of funny, we met with the first and he said "you could do a unity candle if you want...or this sand thing that brides keep asking for now." Then later I spoke with the second priest (who doesn't even know the first) and he said something along the lines of "You aren't going to ask for one of those sand things people keep wanting, are you?" So apparently the sand ceremony is bemusing, at least to some priests.

professorscience

The way the unity thing is supposed to work (or at least how I've seen it) is that your mothers light the two smaller candles before the ceremony starts.  Then, after your vows, you two take the candles and combine them in the center one.

I really dislike unity ceremonies as a whole, partly because of what BTCarolus said, but also because I really dislike "awkward standing around" moments.

Tami87

We are not doing a unity candle for the reasons many of the previous posters mentioned.

For the presentation to Mary, we are having it right after communion while our cantor sings Ave Maria and are having three long stem roses with greenery and a ribbon.

texasbride0617

I had never heard of (or maybe just not noticed) presentation of the flowers to Mary... until the last wedding I went to--and then I only noticed because I was helping the priest beforehand (FI was in the bridal party and I wasn't, so I got there really early and didn't really have anything to do). The poor bride's florist didn't bring enough flowers, so there was no bouquet to "present" during the presentation. (Not to mention, one of the groomsmen didn't have a boutineer.) So just a note, obviously be sure that your florist does prepare enough flowers! Especially if they're not familiar with Catholic weddings / this kind of stuff. Because it was slightly awkward that it was listed on the program, but not... done.

And this is probably a dumb question, but is the presentation to the Blessed Mother a "traditional" element of the ceremony? I guess I don't always have a great view of everything but I don't think I have ever noticed it on the program/heard of it, and most of the weddings I have been to for family are Catholic! 

And as far as unity candles/sand go, I really dislike the sand idea after witnessing my cousin's ceremony go on *forever*. They had too much sand to fit in the container, and the bottles had narrow openings so they just kept pouring and pouring. Pretty painful, especially at an outdoor beach wedding.

I had always thought unity candles were a traditional part of a Catholic ceremony but alas, the internet has proven me wrong! My mom has expressed an interest in having one. At first I was afraid because I wasn't sure who would light it on FI's side, since his parents are divorced. Now that FI's mom will not be there, I think it would be hard for me because I know she is the one who would have lit it (but I guess I wouldn't be there to see it anyway). 

FI's sisters are playing a large role in everything though, so if either of them expressed an interest in having one/lighting it, I think that + my mom's wishes would be enough to convince me. But I'm kind of big on symbolism and stuff. I had just always seen it done. I agree that it's kind of an awkward standing around time, though. My parents have their unity candle out and it always made me happy as a kid for some reason. Though I was always so afraid-- what happens if it blows out accidentally? I can see me and FI giggling and accidentally blowing them out during the ceremony.

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_two-ceremony-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:93663c5e-b566-48cb-86d6-cd1d7e373694Post:b353984c-9b96-4102-bd99-7530a1276400">Re: Two ceremony questions...</a>:
[QUOTE]I had never heard of (or maybe just not noticed) presentation of the flowers to Mary... until the last wedding I went to--and then I only noticed because I was helping the priest beforehand (FI was in the bridal party and I wasn't, so I got there really early and didn't really have anything to do). The poor bride's florist didn't bring enough flowers, so there was no bouquet to "present" during the presentation. (Not to mention, one of the groomsmen didn't have a boutineer.) So just a note, obviously be sure that your florist does prepare enough flowers! Especially if they're not familiar with Catholic weddings / this kind of stuff. Because it was slightly awkward that it was listed on the program, but not... done. <strong>And this is probably a dumb question, but is the presentation to the Blessed Mother a "traditional" element of the ceremony?</strong> I guess I don't always have a great view of everything but I don't think I have ever noticed it on the program/heard of it, and most of the weddings I have been to for family are Catholic!  And as far as unity candles/sand go, I really dislike the sand idea after witnessing my cousin's ceremony go on *forever*. They had too much sand to fit in the container, and the bottles had narrow openings so they just kept pouring and pouring. Pretty painful, especially at an outdoor beach wedding. I had always thought unity candles were a traditional part of a Catholic ceremony but alas, the internet has proven me wrong! My mom has expressed an interest in having one. At first I was afraid because I wasn't sure who would light it on FI's side, since his parents are divorced. Now that FI's mom will not be there, I think it would be hard for me because I know she is the one who would have lit it (but I guess I wouldn't be there to see it anyway).  FI's sisters are playing a large role in everything though, so if either of them expressed an interest in having one/lighting it, I think that + my mom's wishes would be enough to convince me. But I'm kind of big on symbolism and stuff. I had just always seen it done. I agree that it's kind of an awkward standing around time, though. My parents have their unity candle out and it always made me happy as a kid for some reason. Though I was always so afraid-- what happens if it blows out accidentally? <strong>I can see me and FI giggling and accidentally blowing them out during the ceremony.</strong>
Posted by SMN272[/QUOTE]

<div>The presentation is optional and usually only done if the bride as a special devotion to or relationship with the Blessed Mother.</div><div>
</div><div>As for the second bolded part, at my cousin's wedding, the officiant paused at every. moment. to pray (seriously I love praying, but I felt like she overdid it).  So when she paused to pray before the unity ceremony, my cousin and his wife were standing there with their lit candles in hand, and the best man (who was hammered -- it was a klassy wedding) started trying to blow out my cousin's candle.  I mean, I would have been mortified, but it was hilarious.</div>

agapecarrie

The unity candle was invented on a soap opera. It should not be done..but priests allow concessions like this because they don't think its worth making people mad over it. It disrupts the movement of the liturgy -- it supposed to go from the marriage rite immediately into the Liturgy of the EUcharist. The unity actually happens at the Eucharist. 

Marian devotion is also optional, and not part of the mass either, however there's a little more tolerance to this because it has some substance, and there is a history of a Litany of saints before ordanations. Most of the time it happens after communion, but sometimes priests will stick it in with the sign of peace. 

Resa77

Carrie, where did you hear about unity candles being invented on a soap opera?  I ask because I hear people SO often claiming it's religiously based (I've even heard non-Catholic Christians SWEAR to me that it's a Catholic tradition lol).  I would love to point them to some sort of source that says otherwise, but everything I've found just says no one knows the origin.

jfellows82

We skipped the unity candles for the reasons stated above.  We did flowers to Mary after communion, and we each brought up a single rose.  

BTCarolus

Professor, your story just made me laugh. And I too find various religious figures who have to pray. at. every. moment. a little much. The church down the street from my Aunt and Uncle, which we visited at least once a year as children...we would have to sit through like thirty minutes of praying. Solid. As well as scattered prayers throughout the rest of the service. 'Cause ya know, we just sang a hymn, so somebody should give thanks to God now! My neck always hurt after that.

monkeysip

We're skipping the unity candle (blech), but we're planning on bringing a small crown of flowers for mary.  I haven't thought of what to make the crown of yet, but I just like the idea of a crown more.

Hardly anyone will be receiving communion though, so we're going to make it real quick (we don't want it to take too much extra time).  Just placing it on her head and pray a hail mary. 

Eliz77

Well, we had no intention to do either at all. The Deacon was the one who brought them up-said the unity candle tends to be a "tradition" some couples like to do and he recommends not blowing the single ones out afterwards to signify that while we are a "unit" we are also indidual people. The sand thing didn't come up.

He then brought up the flowers to Mary and said it tends to be viewed as a "custom." 

I guess FI and have some thinking to do! I'm leaning towards not doing either.

ElisabethJoanne

Unity candle from soap opera is in the book "One Perfect Day" by Mead, I think. I got it from the public library. I recommend it.

Nickie431

H and I didn't have a full Mass and he's not Catholic, so the Eucharist would not have been an opportunity for us to express unity.  Instead we did so through two of the hymns we chose ("We Are Many Parts" and "Servant Song") and through the optional Prayer of the Couple that we wrote.  He was nervous about reading much in front of everyone, so we had the priest read the long portion, then each of us had an individual line, then we read the last line in unison.  It was really meaningful to us, because we were able to express ourselves personally as well as join in spoken prayer to God, who designed our hearts for each other.

professorscience

Along Nickie's line of thought, I know DoctaBroccoli did a unity candle because her H is not Catholic and they wanted something to do together since they could not do communion.

jenjlgsings

I don't really want a unity candle but my mom loves them so I have some convincing to do over the next few months.  I'm glad I'm not the only one who isn't that keen on them.

The presentation to the Blessed Mother will be a part of our wedding, though, as we both have a devotion to her and met through Ave maria singles.

Anyway, not that Wikipedia is the best source out there, but I did find this about unity candles:

History

The origin of the unity candle is unclear. Some writers have suggested that in all likelihood, it is at least 30–40 years old.Others say there may be some evidence to suggest it goes back to at least the 1930s if not earlier. Alan and Kathy Chattaway claim that they created the first version of this ceremony for their own wedding, in 1969, in response to the officiant's challenge to be creative.

It is sometimes performed in Christian,^[4]interfaith weddings. In a Christian ceremony, the two lighted candles represent the bride and groom. These are two separate and individual hearts aflame. As the couple takes both candles and light a third candle together with their own individual candles, the two flames then burn as one. At this time, the two families become one family and the two lights become one light. Here, the minister will exclaim with great hope and enthusiasm "Let this light shine for all the world to see!" Examiner.com [Reverend Thomas Johnson]

While the use of unity candles has become widespread, it is prohibited in some churches.  It is not part of the Catholic wedding ceremony, and many parishes do not allow its inclusion in the ceremony. While the US Conference of Catholic Bishops has not explicitly prohibited the use of the unity candle in the marriage rite, neither has it encouraged the practice. The Conference has noted that the policies of most dioceses do not prohibit this custom but many suggest that it be done at the reception since the Rite of Marriage already has abundant symbols of unity. The analysis of the Bishops regarding unity candles concludes by indicating that if the unity candle is permitted, the couple should light their individual candles from the paschal candle, the individual candles should not be extinguished and the unity candle should not be placed on the altar.^[5]

Tami87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_two-ceremony-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:93663c5e-b566-48cb-86d6-cd1d7e373694Post:b353984c-9b96-4102-bd99-7530a1276400">Re: Two ceremony questions...</a>:
[QUOTE]Though I was always so afraid-- what happens if it blows out accidentally? I can see me and FI giggling and accidentally blowing them out during the ceremony.
Posted by SMN272[/QUOTE]

This reminds me of what happened at our engagement encounter weekend. As a couple we each wrote our own prayer and then prayed with one of the leading couples and received a lit candle. While we were sitting there waiting for everyone to have a chance to pray the couple a few chairs down from us accidentally blew out their candle because they started giggling. They were super embarrassed and they got teased that their marriage was doomed since the flame was supposed to represent our love.

ootmother2

I've only seen the unity candle done once and it was done by the mothers before the mass started.  It was pretty, good music but not really necessary.

I've never seen the flowers for Mary and I've been to a zillion Catholic weddings.  Perhaps it's a more regional thing

HandBanana

We didn't do the unity candle.  We did the offering to the Blessed Mother.  I gave 3 white roses and said a small prayer.

If you are looking for something to honor your mothers (when I have seen the unity candle done it was the mothers who lit it) we gave each others mothers single roses during the sign of peace.

Eliz77

^^^That is what I have seen at the weddings I have participated in (single roses to the mom's, simple bouquet to Blessed Mother). We most likely will do the same thing. We are not having Massm just ceremony, so unsure how to word it on program or just do it during a quiet time after the vows (as our Deacon had suggested about taking flowers to Blessed Mother). As some who has done this-how did you work it into program, or did you just leave it off? Thanks!