Ceremony vs. Mass

lv2011

Originally, we'd planned to be married in the full mass. Now, FI thinks it is disrespectful to the many family members on both sides to do a mass, and should have the more dialed down Catholic ceremony. 

If someone can tell me the differences (personal as well as structural) between the two, as well as time difference, I'd really appreciate it. Every Catholic wedding I've been to has been in the full mass. We meet with our priest next week to discuss our selections for the readings, so we can ask then. But I wanted the opinions of you ladies to take with for consideration.

Thanks!

bibliophile2010

The ceremony does not contain the Liturgy of the Eucharist. The mass does. In other words, the ceremony will look a lot like the first half of Mass (the Liturgy of the Word) followed by your Rite of Marriage. There would be the same readings, a homily, the wedding stuff, Prayers of the Faithful, the Lord's Prayer, final blessings, recessional. It takes something like 30-40 minutes (depending on the length of the readings, how long the homily is, etc.). The mass looks much like a Sunday mass and generally runs about an hour, give or take.

More details on all of that can be found at catholicweddinghelp.com.

I think the more important thing is the personal decision. If you and your fiance are both practicing Catholics, really, you should have the mass. There are additional graces received any time you receive the Eucharist, especially on your wedding day. The ultimate unity is receiving the Body of Christ as your first act as husband and wife, as being joined in the Body of Christ is the ultimate unity any of us can ever achieve.

If either of you is not Catholic or is not practicing, I would give more consideration to the ceremony, though there are good arguments for the evangelical nature of the mass being enough to overcome those considerations.

If the argument to not have a mass is based solely on family members who can't receive the Eucharist, I say that is not a good enough reason. Both H and I hadLOTS of non-Catholic guests, and we certainly had a mass. The ceremony is about you -- the reception is about your guests. At the ceremony, you need to do what is right for you (and for your spiritual life and relationship with God). For us, that meant having a mass was a no-brainer. Our priest felt the same way, since the question never came up.

Resa77

Biblio pretty much nailed the structural part, so I have nothing to add to that.

I would just encourage you to really think and pray about it.  There are moments where I feel nervous about the non-Catholics at my nuptial Mass.  I know some of them are going to remark about how impersonal and unemotional the ceremony was, how it was all aboutthe priest and not the couple, etc.  But the fact is, I don't feel that way, and it's my wedding.  So I'll have my Mass that will be super person and emotional and all about my marriage, regardless of how others interpret it. 

Your ceremony is YOURS, not theirs.  It's nice to consider others, but I don't think you should forego something super important to you because it might rub someone else the wrong way. 

Tami87

I wanted to add that I also had a lot of non-Catholics at my wedding. My dad is not Catholic (although he and my mom were married in the Catholic church) nor is that whole side of my family. The majority of our wedding party was also not Catholic. However, we decided to have the full mass because my husband and I are both practicing Catholics and it was important to us.

I was a little worried about what my non-Catholics guests would think, but ultimately I felt the ceremony should reflect us and our beliefs. I knew our family and friends would still be there to love and support us. Some may complain about the long ceremony or whatever, but were polite enough not to do so to my face.

I did provide a very detailed program with all the new responses (also had quite a lot of non-practicing Catholics in attendance who were likely to say the old responses) and a few short explanations about who should receive communion and about the flowers for Mary. I tried to make it easy for guests who were unfamiliar with a Catholic mass to follow along and know what was going on.

I agree with previous posters that you should make the decision based on what you and your FI want, not what your guests prefer. I feel like the ceremony should really be about the couple and the reception is the time to think about your guests and thank all of them for witnessing your ceremony. However, I do think that in cases where only one person is a practicing Catholic a ceremony outside of mass may be the way to go. I would definitely bring this up with the priest at your next meeting too and maybe he can give you some more guidance.

bibliophile2010

I just wanted to add that we received tons of compliments -- from both Catholics and non-Catholics -- on our ceremony. I think it was because we made everything so personal, even though it was also very unabashedly Catholic.

erin5286

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_ceremony-vs-mass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:b9989387-5d2c-487e-8a9d-bcd123922e30Post:95a391b9-7b50-46f9-aad5-ff8e0a53986c">Re: Ceremony vs. Mass</a>:
[QUOTE]I wanted to add that I also had a lot of non-Catholics at my wedding. My dad is not Catholic (although he and my mom were married in the Catholic church) nor is that whole side of my family. The majority of our wedding party was also not Catholic. However, we decided to have the full mass because my husband and I are both practicing Catholics and it was important to us. I was a little worried about what my non-Catholics guests would think, but ultimately I felt the ceremony should reflect us and our beliefs. I knew our family and friends would still be there to love and support us. Some may complain about the long ceremony or whatever, but were polite enough not to do so to my face. I did provide a very detailed program with all the new responses (also had quite a lot of non-practicing Catholics in attendance who were likely to say the old responses) and a few short explanations about who should receive communion and about the flowers for Mary. I tried to make it easy for guests who were unfamiliar with a Catholic mass to follow along and know what was going on. I agree with previous posters that you should make the decision based on what you and your FI want, not what your guests prefer. I feel like the ceremony should really be about the couple and the reception is the time to think about your guests and thank all of them for witnessing your ceremony. However, I do think that in cases where only one person is a practicing Catholic a ceremony outside of mass may be the way to go. I would definitely bring this up with the priest at your next meeting too and maybe he can give you some more guidance.
Posted by Tami87[/QUOTE]

Tami, your program sounds exactly like what I'm working on trying to put together now.  Any chance you'd be willing to share a template of yours?

pittpoint1119

I am kinda in the same situtation. I was raised catholic and still practice where as FI is not. We have been to catholic weddings with his family and it is kinda awkward because they are always questioning why Catholics do certan things and why no one other then Catholics can get communion. My parents want us to have a full mass and I did, but after taking with FI and his family we probably won't. I more the less want it to be a reflect on us as a couple. Yes we attend church together and no I am not requiring him to take classes and convert, but communion I feel is not for us. I am waiting to talk with our priest a little more since I am close with him.

lalaith50

(sorry if this is a double post,)

I'm always baffled by the "waaah I don't get to get communion..." attitude.

You don't believe in it, so why do you WANT it?

(I think it comes down to the mistake over-emphasis the past 40+ years on the "unity/community/communion-welcomeness" aspect of the Eucharist, sadly which is all that even many Catholics believe it is. I think this attitude could be avoided if that understanding of the Eucharist was balanced with proper teaching of what the Eucharist IS.)

Riss91

I typically don't believe in catering to guests that would put their personal comfort/preferences over the bride and groom's spiritual needs.

I've also been to many weddings of varying religious/non-religious affiliations and though I might have been lost/confused/uncomfortable, I sucked it up and chose to focus on the bride and groom and their commitment. I never felt offended that their ceremony didn't cater to me.

professorscience

I agree with everything Biblio said.  My whole family is not Catholic, and we were even advised by a priest friend to just not have communion, but in the end, it was a decision between the two of us.  I know I had lots of arguments with my mom about it, but she even did a lot of Bible study and came around.

We also had lots and lots of compliments on how personal our ceremony was.

In the end, it has to be a decision between the two of you.  No one else in the room is getting married -- you are.

Tami87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_ceremony-vs-mass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:b9989387-5d2c-487e-8a9d-bcd123922e30Post:8609f2d2-1698-4ed9-af06-c09e5070728e">Re: Ceremony vs. Mass</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ceremony vs. Mass : Tami, your program sounds exactly like what I'm working on trying to put together now.  Any chance you'd be willing to share a template of yours?
Posted by erin5286[/QUOTE]

Sure it is in microsoft publisher currently but I may be able to convert it to a pdf if you don't have publisher. PM me your e-mail and I can send you it.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_ceremony-vs-mass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:b9989387-5d2c-487e-8a9d-bcd123922e30Post:512e2985-c05f-45d4-954c-e4d8885a51e1">Re: Ceremony vs. Mass</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with everything Biblio said.  My whole family is not Catholic, and we were even advised by a priest friend to just not have communion, but in the end, it was a decision between the two of us.  I know I had lots of arguments with my mom about it, but she even did a lot of Bible study and came around. We also had lots and lots of compliments on how personal our ceremony was. In the end, it has to be a decision between the two of you.  No one else in the room is getting married -- you are.
Posted by professorscience[/QUOTE]

I attended the wedding of a couple, she was Catholic and he was Episcopalian.  I was a close friend of his and knew her only socially.  He was touched by the fact tht she was sensitive to the fact that he and his family would not fully participate in the mass.

Funny thing, he converted to Catholicism after their second child.  He claimed that Jen's empathy with their earlier situation had a good deal to do with his decision to convert.

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_ceremony-vs-mass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:b9989387-5d2c-487e-8a9d-bcd123922e30Post:33d7fb39-95e8-4bcd-82ba-9105433aa573">Re: Ceremony vs. Mass</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ceremony vs. Mass : I attended the wedding of a couple, she was Catholic and he was Episcopalian.  I was a close friend of his and knew her only socially.  He was touched by the fact tht she was sensitive to the fact that he and his family would not fully participate in the mass. Funny thing, he converted to Catholicism after their second child.  He claimed that Jen's empathy with their earlier situation had a good deal to do with his decision to convert.
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

<div>If I had been the one who was unable to participate, I have no doubt that we wouldn't have had mass.  But because we both were able, we really wanted that moment together.  And actually, it was really nice after we'd received and we were waiting for the rest of the guests to finish to just sit there together.</div>

Eliz77

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_ceremony-vs-mass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:b9989387-5d2c-487e-8a9d-bcd123922e30Post:33d7fb39-95e8-4bcd-82ba-9105433aa573">Re: Ceremony vs. Mass</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ceremony vs. Mass : I attended the wedding of a couple, she was Catholic and he was Episcopalian.  I was a close friend of his and knew her only socially.  He was touched by the fact tht she was sensitive to the fact that he and his family would not fully participate in the mass. Funny thing, he converted to Catholicism after their second child.  He claimed that Jen's empathy with their earlier situation had a good deal to do with his decision to convert.
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]
I have a feeling my husband MIGHT be on a similar path thanks to our experience leading up to the wedding...When we first approached the Priest about marrying in my Parish, he was super welcoming and non-judgemental about our situation and great in answering our questions honestly without making my then FI feel awkward or like he was being given a guilt tripped. When he assigned a Deacon to oversee our marriage, I was a bit concerned about what a new person might be like, and was SO relieved to find he was just as welcoming, even more so now that I think about it. Both their approaches were like,"You may have been baptized, but no one can force you to further your Catholic education. We just encourage you to become familiar with our religion, we'll support you and will be here in any capacity that you may need."  And I think that has changed my husband's view of the Church. I think he was expecting a much more negative experience due to our 1st meeting at a different Parish, and these two could not have been more opposite of him. We were already on the same page in regards to our future children, but I think any hesitation about having the kids raised as Catholics has been eased thanks to this expereince. <div>
</div><div>I don't know if he'll ever pursue being confirmed, become a real practicing Catholic, but there is definitely more acceptance in this area than previously.</div><div>
</div><div>Regardless (and back on topic!), I do think the decision about a ceremony Vs mass has to be made by the couple getting married. Even before talking to anyone, I felt a ceremony was the right choice for us. I wouldn't change a thing!</div>

erin5286

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_ceremony-vs-mass?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:b9989387-5d2c-487e-8a9d-bcd123922e30Post:db2b387a-6d5d-44b5-9303-e94a5679aacf">Re: Ceremony vs. Mass</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ceremony vs. Mass : Sure it is in microsoft publisher currently but I may be able to convert it to a pdf if you don't have publisher. PM me your e-mail and I can send you it.
Posted by Tami87[/QUOTE]

Sent you a PM.  Thanks!

darlingc

My fiance is not catholic and neither is his family, or many of our friends. Though I'm sure everyone would understand and be respectful of our decision to have a full mass, we decided to have just the ceremony. My very Catholic mom said she thought it would be like inviting people to dinner and not letting them eat- the thought of doing a full mass was more concerning to her than any of our non-Catholic family.

If my fiance were Catholic, we might have chosen to do a full mass anyway.

monkeysip

Out of potentially 80 guests, only 8 of them are Catholic.

And that's if all of the 8 even come.  It might just be a few of us.

But FI and I are both Catholic, and we feel that the eucharist is a really important part of our relationship, so there's no way we're giving it up for our ceremony.

In most cases, I agree with putting your guests' comforts over your own.  But in the case of a ceremony, I think it really is about the Bride and Groom, and their wishes (within reason).  They should be the ones to make the decision over communion.  And if both are Catholic, it is preferable that they receive it. 

I would never expect a Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, etc. couple to cut parts out of their ceremony just for me as a guest, you know?

lv2011

After a lot of discussion last night (and FI lost at rock/paper/scissors), we've both agreed to stay with having the full mass. In seriousness, it wasn't because of the rock/paper/scissors, but the conversation. You ladies raised a lot of good points- especially that if they're there in love and support of us as a couple, then that likely extends to our ceremony and faith. We're both Catholic, as are our immediate families. It's just our extended families that are not (but there's a lot of them), and FI didn't want to be inconsiderate of them. I love how thoughtful he is But ultimately, the ceremony is the most important part and should be the truest reflection possible of us.