Tired of non-Catholics asking me this

meggydoe

Have y'all gotten this question yet?

'Oh, your wedding is at the Catholic church? So its going to be long wedding?'

When I tell them we are not having mass (because FI is not Catholic)  They respond with 'Oh good!'     Seriously?!  I think it is so rude!   

What is wrong with having an hour long wedding!  I think its weird when people's weddings last 5 minutes!!

lisa89760

I totally agree!! I actually got into an arguement/discussion with someone about this.  She said it was so rude for us to be having a catholic wedding ceremony because no one wants to sit thru it.  

Other than that girl, the only other thing I've heard is my bridesmaids being nervous that they won't know what to do during the ceremony.  (only 1 of my friends is catholic and my best friend is Jewish and has never been to a Catholic church) I just laugh and say follow everyone else!

Calypso1977

welcome to the world of let's focus on the reception, not the ceremony.

we didnt get this Q, but both our families are catholic, as are many of our friends, adn those friends who aren't, know we're regular church goers so they probably didnt dare ask!  lol

rombacja

luckily about 95% of all our guests are Catholic so they know what they're in for. i do understand if you're not catholic it might seem much longer than an hour b/c you don't know the prayers or what's going on. Especially since weddings have become so much about the party instead of the ceremony these days it seems that a lot of people just want to race through it. It does seem a little rude for people to ask the question.

What I'm most concerned with is making sure that my guests actually PARTICIPATE at the ceremony. I've been to a lot of weddings where all of a sudden people who are Catholic seem to "forget" the prayers or say them softly. I just want the entire church to feel like the celebration that it should be - people singing and praying a long. My priest is a very charismatic man though so I think his energy will help...

catarntina

I got this a lot.  My cousin told me she wouldn't come if the wedding was a full Mass, which was odd because she was married in the Catholic church herself with full Mass.

My Uncle responded on the card that he was just going to reception and not the ceremony (like wrote it in on the card "Reception Only") because it was too long for his knocked-up girlfriend to sit through.

FI's Mom's family is not Catholic and have been giving us all kinds of flack for having the wedding in a Catholic church, period.  Things like, "Those crazy Catholics making you do all this stuff." FI and I are both Catholic, btw.

There have only been a couple people ... like my aunts ... who have been excited I'm having a Catholic wedding.  It makes me sad that my Grandma isn't alive, because she'd be telling those people to shut up and that I am doing it the right way. LOL

bibliophile2010

I agree, the mentality of weddings being all about the party is sad. It is supposed to be a thank you celebration for witnessing our wedding, not a little ceremony to have an excuse for a huge party!  It is sadly reflected in most anything you read about planning which is reception first, ceremony second.

I"m so excited for our nuptial mass, even though it is months away. I am excited to have our priest-friend saying mass. I'm excited to pick the readings and music and for the marriage and to receive the eucharist with a man who will be my husband. I get excited butterflies just thinking about it.

Thankfully, most of our guests are Catholic, and many of those who aren't are religious, so they at least understand why having a religious ceremony is important to us. The reception is not going to be as simple as I would like (time of year and size of guest list prevent that), but it is still secondary to the ceremony in my eyes.

akg0053

We are having a Mass, and if we got this question, I think our guests know that they would be in for a really long lecture. So far our guests know better lol. My family isn't Catholic because I converted a few years ago, so I think they know how important it is to us to do this.

I do think that is a seriously rude thing to say though. 

ETA: I went and asked my mom today if anybody had been complaining to her. She said that nobody has so far, but that she personally thinks that because the ceremony lasts longer than the normal 10-15 minutes (if it's even that long) it makes it so much more meaningful and special lol. She also said that its refreshing to see people spend more time on their ceremonies than receptions. It made me smile lol.

caitriona87

These complainers would've absolutely HATED my wedding. It took two hours, though that was not intentional. It was a combination of polyphonic music, a priest (who is amazing) but has no qualms about giving long homilies, etc.

I was a bit mortified when it was over about how long it had taken, (and I regularly attend Masses that are 1.5 hrs) but we STILL get compliments on the ceremony 18 months later, and even my 8 year old niece said "it only felt like 30 minutes." Lol. Granted, many of our guests were Catholic but ours was ridiculously long even by Catholic standards.

heath1026

Oh no....I hope this is something I don't have to "look forward" to.  Most of our friends are not Catholic, but as pp said--I'm so excited to have a full mass and wouldn't have it any other way!  Hopefully people keep their mouths shut if they don't like it. 

purplepeopleeater11

As a non-Catholic I don't like wedding's that don't have a full mass.  I would never not go to a wedding simply because they were having one, but sitting in my pew all by myself while people take communion is awkward.  I'm also usually surrounded by people who know what to say and when to say it, and I don't. 

I have been side-eyed a lot at the wedding's I've been to that have a Mass, simply because I wasn't participating like the Catholic's were.  So to me, it's not about the length of time, but being singled out.

[Deleted User]

The ceremony was the best and most meaningful part for us. We have many Catholics in both families, so I think most were prepared for it. Fortunately, we didn't really get that question much when planning our wedding. Maybe it was bc we also live out of state and not close to either sides of our families.

[Deleted User]

Wow, it never surprise's me what people will say these days. My entire family is Protestant and I am the only Catholic and we are having not only a Mass but a Traditional Latin High Nuptial Mass. Most of my friends are Catholic and have an idea of what the TLM entails but they are all looking forward to it. My Father who left the church when I was very young is super excited about the mass.
I am not sure what I would do if someone said that they did not want to come to the most important part of the day in my eyes.

M

mcdol3

My family is not Catholic (I converted) and I get that a lot. It's going to be so long they say. My sister (a BM) has 3 young kids and says they won't be able to sit that long. It's not 2 hours long people. I've been to 2 Catholic Full Mass weddings in the Church we're getting married in and it was max 40 minutes.

I figure since my family isn't Catholic and most won't go up for a blessing anyways, communion (which is according to non-catholics the longest part) won't take that long.

My mom even requested we do really short readings. We will pick whatever readings we want, thank you very much.

mcdol3

It makes me sad that people today think wedding ceremonies over 10 - 15 minutes are considered long. I think that's too short personally. You barely have time to saw your vows and actually 'get married' (if that makes sense)

portialoveschris

Well it ain't the drive-thru people! That is rude!

Most of my family is Catholic so they know the drill.  We are having mass.  I do have it spelled out on our website, but I didn't put it on the invitation.  I figure the other side of the family is Greek, so they should know the drill as well!

I hope I don't get this question.

wifeandmommy0609

My Fl is Catholic and I am becoming Catholic. My family  asked how long the wedding is going to be. I told them I have no idea yet as we haven't sat down and talked to the father about it.

My father is catholic but the rest of my family is christains.. so  i think they are expecting like a 2 hour long cemeromy..

Vraechel

My husband and his family are Catholic, and I currently going through the RCIA process. I will be newly Catholic by the time we have our wedding. My friends and family are not Catholic and people are giving me a bit of a hard time too. I'm considering doing really detailed programs (?) Explaining the different parts, and who everyone is, the words to the music and maybe the readings what people are supposed to do and when. I also will inform them that while they can't participate in communion they can come up and receive a blessing. I think it's nice to put more emphasis on the ceremony. I'm still in the process of learning about the ceremony my self so I think this is really interesting. You can throw a big party anytime but the wedding ceremony is the main event. Do you think people will enjoy the information in the program or will they sit unopened? 

bibliophile2010

The problem I've heard about with extremely detailed programs is that people spend too much time buried in the program and not enough time just listening/experiencing/paying attention. I think there is a fine line between detailed enough to help out non-Catholics and so detailed that people are reading the program and not paying attention to the ceremony.

I would also talk to the priest (or wedding coordinator, if your parish has one) who is performing your wedding mass. He has probably done countless weddings, including weddings involving non-Catholics and probably has some good ideas/advice. He'll also tell you what kinds of verbal cues he gives to help the wedding guests out. For example, many priests make an announcement about communion at weddings and funerals, because they are aware that there are many non-Catholics in attendance.

Vraechel

That's true about not being overly detailed, I wont write a novel, but I want people to be able to follow along. It would bother me if my mom got that same lost nervous look on her face that she had when she went with me to mass on Easter... I did see some programs that had crossword puzzles on the back. I will not be using those.

Calypso1977

FWIW, we didnt do programs and we had a latin mass, although the church did provide the latin-english missals for folks to follow along with, if they chose to.  some did, some didnt.  the priest also gave a nice explanation at the start about hte format, communion guidelines, etc. 

bel138

I typed out a big response and my terrible internet connection ate it.

Basically, we invited 280 people. At least 180 were family, and both our families are Catholic. About 100 people showed up at the church, most of which were friends, and only about 8 people took communion, which didn't even include my ILs.

My non-Catholic friends (mostly med school friends from other cultures) said they actually really liked the ceremony (which was 1.5 hrs) because they really enjoy seeing the traditions and religions of other cultures. I'm sure there were people complaining quietly, but no one did it to my face. DH's entire family didn't come to the ceremony, only came to reception to eat, left before dinner was over and then complained WE were rude for not greeting them. So I wouldn't even take their criticism seriously if they had said something to my face.

Sorry, I went off topic a little there. I loved our actual ceremony, but the rest of the day doesn't hold many good memories for me. But I'm really happy that we had a full Liturgy, because it's what was important to us. Obviously if people don't like it, they just won't show up, like in our case. Their loss to miss out on something so beautiful.

GulfCoaster

Bel, your ceremony was Ukrainian, wasn't it?  I'm Latin rite but I love visiting my friend's Ukrainian parish whenever I go to see her (in Pittsburgh, actually) -- even though I often feel a little lost, the Liturgy is beautiful.  I can't believe your DH's entire family skipped it!  That's sad. 

bel138

We're Byzantine - Ruthenian Rite. So there's some old church Slavonic, but mostly English. We did stumble upon a Ukranian church one time when we were trying to find a Byzantine parish and got the time wrong. Everything was in Ukranian, so we were quite lost as well!

MobKaz

I have to say that I was saddened when my daughter and I first started to explore venue options.  In almost every case, from hotel to country club to restaurant, the first question posed to us was, "Will you be having your ceremony here as well?"  When did this trend begin??

As the MOB, I have NEVER attended a wedding that was not held in either a church or synogogue.  But it has been several years.  Now fast forward to the time wherein my children, as well as my nieces and nephews, are at an age to marry.  With my daughter being marriage #5 in the family, she will be only the second to have her ceremony in a church.  This trend deeply saddens me.  I am so proud that my daughter finds a religious ceremony meaningful.  I am even happier that her fiance, although not Catholic, supports it 100%.

bel138

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_tired-of-non-catholics-asking-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:cf3883e9-459a-40a0-9311-d8858f577e23Post:59229618-c45b-4314-aaee-3a018ae5c68b">Re: Tired of non-Catholics asking me this</a>:
[QUOTE]As the MOB, I have NEVER attended a wedding that was not held in either a church or synogogue.
Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]

Before I went away to college, I didn't even realize you could have a wedding somewhere other than a church or courthouse. I was definitely sheltered and naive in my small town.

Calypso1977

ive gone to a couple of outdoor weddings, but i think most ive attended too, have been in a church or house of worship.   i have yet to see a ceremony in a hotel, although i think that's changing next fall.  i'm pretty sure our friends have decided to do their ceremony/reception all in one place.

banana468

It was HUGELY important to DH and me to have a Catholic ceremony.  I just didn't *get* the people who complained about it.  It was the REASON for the big party after!

And I LMAO at the friend who greeted us at his wedding by saying, "This one will be short - not like yours!"

Well our wedding started on time and his officiant showed up 45 minutes late.  Mua ha ha.

GulfCoaster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_tired-of-non-catholics-asking-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:cf3883e9-459a-40a0-9311-d8858f577e23Post:9f628b0e-b480-42df-bcba-402d229b1d09">Re: Tired of non-Catholics asking me this</a>:
[QUOTE]We're Byzantine - Ruthenian Rite. Posted by bel138[/QUOTE]

I'm sure a Ruthenian wedding ceremony is lovely, too!  I can't believe all your DH's relatives skipped it -- how sad.

JennK78

Wow, I can't believe people are so rude to ask that.

Both my fiance and I were raised Catholic and most of the members of our extended families are Catholic. We have also invited a lot of friends from church. Interestingly, only one of my five bridesmaids is Catholic, so I hope the rest don't panic. In any case, if anyone asked me that or made such a comment, I'd tell them they don't have to bother coming!

Not to mention, I think 10-15 minute ceremonies are way to short. I don't think they are very meaningful at all.

mica178

Looking back at my wedding day, I think there were a bunch of people who skipped the ceremony because they were worried about the length of a Catholic wedding.  It's too bad, because many of my non-Catholic guests said that it was the most beautiful wedding they had attending.  Because DH and I have so many non-Christian friends, we purposely chose readings and music that displayed the beauty and loving-nature of the Catholic church and Christianity in general in a way that was open to all people.  I hope/believe that our guests were touched a little bit.  And/or my mother's flowers did look gorgeous in the church.    

To date, I have never skipped the ceremony or fussed about any length (long or short) or wedding ceremony.  To me, the point of the celebration is the union of the couple.  Who could resist that moment when the two are joined?  I'd sit through foreign language sermons and all sorts of religious celebrations that I do not fully understand to have the honor of participating in such a special (and hopefully once-in-a-lifetime) experience.

sallyanne7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_tired-of-non-catholics-asking-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:cf3883e9-459a-40a0-9311-d8858f577e23Post:0b08bcfe-3cf3-44e3-a0eb-c45b24248f16">Re: Tired of non-Catholics asking me this</a>:
[QUOTE]Well it ain't the drive-thru people![/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That is awesome! The ceremony is the part I'm most looking forward to. Yeah, the reception will be fun and all, but I'm more excited to get married to the man I love in the eyes of God. Am I crazy?</div><div>
</div><div>I will be really hurt if people don't want to come to our ceremony. (It will be a full nuptial mass.) And we are even be married by the "fun priest" in our town. He's the chaplain on our campus.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, all you can do is pray for those people. Not to get too judge-y, but maybe they are the ones that need a little more God in their lives..</div><div>
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