My guest list - his guest list - two very different ideas

lmeade62

I've read the answer to this many times, but I just can't seem to be okay with it.

We want to keep the wedding small...we were talking close to 50, and we were at 44 when we limited it solely to our families and people we both knew. My FI is very introverted, and his first wedding was full of people he didn't know at all. He's been somewhat adament about not wanting to be at the reception and not know half the people there.

But...I have a number of very good friends at work who are very excited, and that I really would like to invite to the wedding. I know the standard is not to invite people just to the wedding, that this looks tacky, and that if you can't invite them to the wedding and reception, don't invite them at all, and don't talk about the wedding around them.

But I can't help but think that inviting them to just the wedding is better than leaving them out completely and acting like the wedding isn't happening. It seems that asking them to the wedding is a way to include them but not make my FI crazy.

Any other ideas besides the tried and true?

Thanks...

Linda

[Deleted User]

I don't agree with your FI's reasoning. I think it would be better to not invite them at all. How would you convey that on the invites? Have a seperate invite just for them that makes no mention of the reception?

I honestly don't think a few extra people is going to make a difference. The wedding and reception is about you and your new husband. People are going to congratulate you and move on. They are there to celebrate and have a good time. They are not going to crowd you and get in your face. And you will have plenty of intimate moments during the reception with just you and your husband. I know we did.

SaraAndrew2010

It's not fair to invite people just to the ceremony as a consolation prize for not getting invited to the whole wedding.  The wedding is an all or nothing deal.  If you invite them to the ceremony, you have to invite them to the reception.

Although your friends are excited about your wedding, I'm sure they will understand if you are having a small wedding and don't invite them.  Although I understand your FI not wanting a ton of strangers at the wedding, how many people are we talking about for your friends?  I don't think it's unreasonable for you to invite a few people you are close to.

meganb1977

Sounds like something that will come out fine if you and your fiance can compromise.  As an introvert myself, I can relate to him, but as someone marrying an extrovert, I can imagine where you're coming from.  Are these people he knows or at least has met?  Are you willing to pay for the extra guests out of your own pocket?  Those things may give you more of a leg to stand on.  Maybe you can meet in the middle (i.e. if you want to invite 20 more people and he's not comfortable with that, the two of you agree that you can choose ten more people to invite).  Good luck!

lmeade62

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_guest-list-his-guest-list-two-very-different-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:d0ae6fa6-71ec-4bb4-b97a-8bee539e0d33Post:3daf8d17-8ee5-478f-b508-6cefda4dd6df">Re: My guest list - his guest list - two very different ideas</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like something that will come out fine if you and your fiance can compromise.  As an introvert myself, I can relate to him, but as someone marrying an extrovert, I can imagine where you're coming from.  Are these people he knows or at least has met?  Are you willing to pay for the extra guests out of your own pocket?  Those things may give you more of a leg to stand on.  Maybe you can meet in the middle (i.e. if you want to invite 20 more people and he's not comfortable with that, the two of you agree that you can choose ten more people to invite).  Good luck!
Posted by meganb1977[/QUOTE]

Thank you, everyone, for your (as always) thoughtful advice! Let me provide a little more information...

This is a second marriage for both of us - he'll be 53 in just a few days here, and I'm 48. He is retired, so he doesn't work other than to manage the family businesses (mostly investments and some real estate). I work in a small inpatient psychiatric facility, where I have worked for 8 years, so I have a number of people with whom I am relatively close.

We met through a trail building organization, and our mutual friends probably are the only friends he will invite outside of his family members. I'm fairly introverted myself, but he is what we jokingly call an "off the charts" introvert, and due to the family business, being a terrific father to his 15-year-old son, and traveling back and forth between his son and me, he doesn't have a lot of time for outside pursuits. So, while I have coworkers who are also friends, he has no coworkers other than his family, and few friends that we don't share.

All of this is exacerbated by the fact that a mutual dear friend, who likely would have been his best man, was killed in a tractor accident about a year and a half ago. As you can imagine, this has cast a bit of a pall on things, as he is having trouble even identifying a best man.

He has met some of my coworkers - ironically, at the wedding of two of my co-workers who were married in November. Of course, they invited half the facility, but that's because they both work there and thus have a large number of mutual friends there.

I think the compromise is probably the best way to go. Obviously, he is the MOST important person there as far as I'm concerned, and I want him to enjoy himself as much as possible.

Linda

wifeandmommy0609

I agree if you can't invited them to both wedding and reception then don't invite them at all..if they ask  just tell them you are having a small wedding/reception for family only.

People will understand and if they get hurt over not being invited them maybe you can have a Dinner with just you and your fl and co-workers...

I know this (below) isn't your issue but just and Idea.

Old friends from high school (who Fl and I haven't see in over 6 years) heard we were getting married and wanted to be invited to the wedding.. just told them its a very small wedding for family as i don't want them there there is a reason we haven't talked to them in over 6 years.