Disappointed...

monkeysip

So, one of my best friends is a guy, who happens to be a celibate gay practicing Catholic.  He's seriously one of the most faithful and amazing people I know, and I really wanted him to be my "man of honor" (along with two "maids of honor").

I didn't really think he'd say no, but he did.

He said he feels uncomfortable with it because it would bring him so much attention, and people would wonder "who is that guy" "I think he's gay" and stuff like that. 

He's also very traditionalist catholic (I am too, but he is even more so) and he just saw it as being awkward.

I completely respect his choice, and I would never want him to feel umcomfortable. 

But I am really disappointed.  I just didn't see it coming.

christinamarie325

I wouldn't take it too personally. Wouldn't you rather your good friend enjoy the day being comfortable? Can he be included in the groomsmen party instead?

monkeysip

Well, he doesn't really know my FI, so I think that'd be weird.

But he has agreed to lector for us.

I know he'll still be a special guest whether he's part of the wedding party or not.  And you're right, I'd much rather him be a comfortable guest than an uncomfortable man of honor.

I was surprised because I didn't foresee any reason for him to say no.  I didn't think it would be a big deal.  But like I said, I support his decision.

agapecarrie

Monkey, 

I have no idea how "out of the box" thinking you are on some things, but I have a suggestion.

No where in catholic wedding and liturgy is there anything about having a bunch of girls lined up on one side and guys on the other. I know you took one step out of that by considering a man for "your side"....but the "side " thing can be done away with all together.

Instead of listing "bridesmaids" ...just do one long list of "sacramental witnesses" to include groomsmen as well. Instead of guys on one side, girls on the other, have a random mix on both when sitting. Then, when its time to witness your vows, a semi-circle on the floor (if you will be on a raised step) with no defining line, nor men vs women line.  Just a group of sacramental witnesses.  No one will stand out as a gay man that way.

monkeysip

I was only intending on having my sister (one of my MOHs) to stand up with me during the vows (and my FI was just going to have him BM, not his GMs).  The rest were to remain seated.  I would probably find the semi-circle thing a tad distracting.

The only thing that would really set him apart is when he processed in with my moh's.  And then being listed on a program (although, like you said, we could list them all together, instead of bride's and groom's.)

I don't think your solution is a bad one, but I think ultimately he might still find it awkward.  He also doesn't want to have to worry about what he wears.

I can still have him sit near the front as a lector, have him listed as a lector, and take lots of pictures with him.  I know he doesn't need the special title to be special.

Riss91

Could you ask him if there was any way to alleviate his concerns - giving him some of the examples above? Maybe he doesn't realize that there are options that would take the spotlight off of him? You could just bring it up one more time, letting him know how important he is to you and that you'd be willing to do whatever you could (within reason) to make him comfortable in that role.

futuremrsbruno

I'm wondering if it's the mix of traditionalist Catholic and gay that's got him feeling this way? I'm sure he's pretty aware of the Church's stance on homosexuality, and maybe he feels like he would be going against the church even more so by standing up for you?

I don't know, but if this is something you didn't see coming, than it could be a reason. Our BM is both Catholic and gay. While he has all of his sacraments, he has not been to Mass in quite some time. One of the first things he wanted us to do was to make sure there were no problems with him being our BM. All our priest said was that he wouldn't be able to take communion if we chose to do the Mass. Since we are doing the ceremony without the Mass, we don't have to worry about this and BM is very relieved. He was really honored to be asked to be the BM, but didn't want his sexual orientation to cause a problem for us.

If he is one of your best friends, but a practicing Catholic, this might be where he is coming from. If that ends up being the case, I think it is very sweet of him to look out for you like that.

monkeysip

@ Future

He's celibate and still practicing.  He's fully aware of the church's teachings and is committed to a life of chastity. 

But he might be concerned about scandal.  My other guests wouldn't know he's celibate, and might just assume that he's acting on his homosexuality.  I mean, I don't think that should be an issue, but he might be a little concerned about that.