Inappropriate Priest * Updated

ootmother2

A good friend of mine just confined in me that her priest does somewhat inappropriate things during confession.

It''s a pretty new church, building staff and this priest is part time, just the weekends.   It's my understanding that he is a former Navy chaplain and goes to this church part time.

She has to do face to face because there;s no formal confessional yet.  I have no problem with that.  I have to do face to face because I'm unable to kneel down and my pastor knows that.  He probably knows what I'm going to say before I even confess.  He knows me too well so when I go back to kneeling, I'm quite sure he'll know my voice.  He'd have to be deaf not to!

So, the problem with that priest my friend is going to moves his chair up closer to her and puts his hands on her knees & hands.  Other than that, there's been nothing other than "oh, that's a pretty name for a pretty woman"

I'll add that she is also quite naive.  Married once, 2 kids and is still living off alimony after over 20 years,  When she was attending a local Jesuit university, she went BSC because one of her profs made a pass at her.  The prof was a Jesuit priest.
I told her to grow up and stop thinking that priests aren't men.  Sometimes poorly mannered men but really?  I should thnk that any adult woman would know what to do with that.  JUST SAY NO

So, about the priest & the confessional, what do you think she should do?  She refuses to go to the pastor of the church.  I said she should change churches but it's more than a short trip to do so.

so, WWYD?

zelis42

I'd probably just tell him that he was making me uncomfortable.  It doesn't sound like he's trying to upset her or anything.  If he kept the behavior up after I had talked to him, I'd take it to the head priest.

I've had some touchy-feely priests before, just like I've had touchy-feely friends.  Some people are just like that.

Anyway, that's my take on the situation, from what (and how) I read your post.

mica178

I had a touchy feely priest before (not just friendly, sometimes I felt really awkward).  I recently found out that he is a recovering sex addict, currently back in therapy and off the pastoral staff.    I guess that Gestalt I felt was dead on.  

If your friend feels uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk with the church's pastor or other higher-up, the only option is to switch churches.

Calypso1977

she shoudl first tell him directly that his behavior makes her uncomfortable and ask him to please stop.  she can even take it a step further and tell him its inappropriate.

i would try to encourage her to talk to the pastor - if he is doing this to her, most likely it is happening with others.  is there a way she can do this anonomously if she doesnt want  her name/face associated with hte complaint?

ElisabethJoanne

I had a priest who used to hug me just about around my bottom, instead of up around my shoulders like a normal priest hug. For weeks I chalked it up to height differences and him being lonely. (Not sexually lonely. We had known each other on the huggy West Coast before circumstances moved us to staid Virginia.) But one day I couldn't sleep about it. I knew it just didn't feel right, and decided it was a bigger deal to fix it than worry about the awkwardness to fix it. So I caught him privately and asked him to stop. I think I just said it made me uncomfortable. Or maybe I didn't give a reason at all. He may be a Priest, but I'm still a woman, and I get to decide how men touch me. There was one awkward hug after that conversation, but then everything was very normal. (Until a parishioner asked if we were dating, a possibility in our Anglican church. It wasn't true, but it sure confirmed my decision to fix the hugging)

My point is she should just ask him to stop. "I'm uncomfortable being touched, except for the priestly blessing on top of my head." It may be entirely innocent. They jut have different boundaries, like me with that Priest in Virginia.

ootmother2

Thank you ladies for your replies. 

I did tell her to just speak up and say she wasn't comfortable but she seems to be embarassed by this. 

I think I will C&P your replies and send them to her.

blush64

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_inappropriate-priest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:e11083a1-1499-4243-b220-45409f426115Post:98bee326-24f1-4066-9378-c779489c5c38">Re: Inappropriate Priest</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd probably just tell him that he was making me uncomfortable.  It doesn't sound like he's trying to upset her or anything.  If he kept the behavior up after I had talked to him, I'd take it to the head priest. I've had some touchy-feely priests before, just like I've had touchy-feely friends.  Some people are just like that. Anyway, that's my take on the situation, from what (and how) I read your post.
Posted by zelis42[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. Some people are really touchy feely and so it might be that simple.

ootmother2

My friend called me tonight, again very upset, and said that she's decided to travel into the city to attend mass and reconciliation from now on.

I still think she's over reacting but whatever works, I guess.

I do judge people who are afraid to face up to problems head on but I guess this is her nature.  The priest may be totally innocent of any wrong doing and she just doesn't dare to speak up for herself and find out.  He may very well be an excellent priest who happens to be litterally "hands on". Many people just are as you ladies said.

thanks again

Mustardseed8910

Even if he's "hands on" in the climate of our church today, priests know that they are not supposed to be touching parishioners in any way that can be deemed sexual.  The fact that he has done it on multiple accounts and it is accompanied by comments about her being beautiful would lead me to believe it is not innocent.  

I'm sure you ladies have all experienced how two different men might touch you in a greeting or comment on your appearance and one feels fine and the other leaves you feeling uneasy.  We have instincts for a reason.  If she feels uncomfortable enough to drive that distance to a new church, then there is something there that is not right.  

Someone needs to be told.  It could even be in a thoughtful, concerned note if she doesn't want to do face to face.  I work for a church and got my masters at a seminary.  Being touched or hit on by a priest is a complicated situation because there is a power dynamic.  Also, he is someone you are supposed to be able to trust and who sets a moral example.  It is easy to doubt yourself and feel alone. 

Also, it is important to note- as others have -when one woman is feeling violated by a man, she is rarely the only one.  

I hope your friend finds a space where she can feel safe.