So frustrated and lost....please help.

amber&19

This is going to be a long post, I appologize. Im hoping someone can help me figure out what to do because Im really struggling to get past this lump in my new marriage. My husband and I were married 8 months ago....and it hasn't really been what I expected.

The first few months were great. We had dinner together every evening and I looked forward to making it special. We spent so much time together....but it's changed. My husband was raised to be independent and to take care of what belongs to him. I loved that about him....but right now, it's the thing that's driving us apart.

We got married at a young age I guess - he's 26 and I'm 21. He bought us our first home before we were married and for that I am so thankful. It's a beautiful little house. He works for a company that makes airplane parts and right now, I'm blessed that I am able to go to school full time to become a dental assistant while he works to provide for us. I don't take him for granted because he's given me so much already and I'm so proud of him....but idk, sometimes it's like he's too independent.

Just a few examples of recent things: he loves to work out but it's not really my thing, at least at the gym like he likes to do. He gets off of work about 4:30 every day and he goes straight to the gym. We had made a compromise to where he went monday, wednesday, and friday, and maybe one day on the weekend. I don't eat dinner until he comes home so that we can share that together. The thing is, he doesn't get home til close to 7 or later, so dinner is on hold and that puts dishes behind and everything else. Yes, I could eat without him but we always ate dinner together as a family at home growing up and I want that for us. It's time to unwind and talk with each other.

Everyday, he gets home later and later when he's working out. When he's not, he's too tired to do anything which I understand with him being the only one working but all I want is an hour with him after not seeing him all day before he falls asleep or whatever. We don't have children yet and I get home from school at 1:30, so i'm home alone most of the week and it frustrates me that he doesn't act like being at home is important to me. It's like I've become a second thought almost. I don't expect him to cater to me or anything, just realize how much his time with me matters after being alone all day long. There is only so much that you can do EVERYDAY to entertain yourself when money is tight and you are home alone with no one to keep you company.

And just the other evening, we had a couple stop by and I had to introduce myself AS they were LEAVING because he never mentioned me. They had no idea I was even there. It frustrates me on this because i don't understand why I'm not the first person he thinks about. When I meet a new person or I'm even talking to someone we already know, he is always the first person on my mind and the first person I mention in any conversation. It's completely opposite with him; he completely forgets I'm there when it comes to introducing me to the friends of his that I've never met before too.

Maybe it's not a big deal to some, but now that i'm his WIFE I would hope that he would think about me before anything or anyone else. Between this and friends fading away after getting married, I feel like crying most of the time anymore. I just want something to change. Can anyone relate or give me some advice?

Btw, I don't need comments from anyone who is going to be hateful. I've seen some responses to other posts on here and tha'ts not why I'm here.

elbow23

At the very least, it seems to me that you might benefit from some of your own activities outside the home.  I'm a student too, so I completely understand the money issue, but perhaps you could find an opportunity to do some volunteering in the afternoons?  Alternatively, does your school offer any extracurricular activities?

Calypso1977

how long did you date before you married?

Did you live together first?  If not, what you may be experiencing is the challenges of sharing your space together for the first time.  when i moved in with my H, i cried every night for nearly 3 or 4 months.  it was HARD as we had both lived alone for nearly 10 years each.  i just wasnt used to sharing my space and stuff.

is it possible he's stressed at work?  perhaps there have been talks of layoffs or other major changes and he doesnt want to tell you and make you worry since he's the only breadwinner.  maybe he's been working late to try to make himself a stronger employee in case this is on the horizon.  i also konw that the gym is a major stress reliever for many.  perhaps you could suggest another gym that you do like that you could join together?

have you told him how you feel? 

lastly, i agree with a PP - find YOUR activity or thing you like.  while i dont believe in couples doing completely separate things all the time, i do think its important that each person have one or two things that are their "thing".  i also dont think its healthy to do everythign with your spouse, so i think its important that you try to reconnect with some of those friends you say "drifted away".  id also see if you can figure out why they drifted away.  Your H cant be your sole source of entertainment - having close important relationships with others in your life is good!

as far as the person coming to the door, he probably just forgot his manners - guys often are not good at things like introductions.  i wouldnt sweat that one.

7 is a reasonable dinner time to me, but im not home at 130 either so i guess i can see how that might seem late to some.  does he help with dishes and cleanup?  many couples i know say that one cooks the other cleans.  or they do one or both together which can be a great way to catch up over the day.  i agree eating together is important, and i prefer eating at the table vs on the couch and never with the TV on.

they say the first year of marriage is the hardest.  hang in there!  this probably isnt on your radar, but id also be prudent about when you think you might want to start a family.  if you feel this way now it probably wont improve with a child and you may get further feelings of resentment.  but given taht you are in school, etc. and only 21, im guessing (hoping?) kids arent on the radar yet. 

bibliophile2010

You mentioned Marriage Encounter below. That? Retrouvaille? Counseling? Lots and lots of conversations?

It sounds to me like you have different expectations of what married life is going to be like, for better or for worse, and you need to work out the real life ins and outs (v. the honeymoon phase). And recognize that things might need to be changed over time. For example, my H and I also make sure to eat dinner together at night. The first year of marriage, it was usually at 7 or 7.30. Now, sometimes we eat early before getting the baby in bed -- sometimes we eat later, after getting her in bed. Some nights, he has had to work late and we didn't eat until 9. It isn't fun, but it is a sacrifice I am willing to make. If the baby were old enough to eat dinner, I'd probably eat with her and still sit with my husband to have that time together.

That was a looooong way of saying that you need to talk these things out. If the first compromise isn't working, find a new one. And if you can't find ways to work through these things between the two of you, I would really find a neutral third party who can help you.

All of that said, I do think that you would benefit from volunteering or getting involved. Extracurriculars or clubs or stuff at your parish or something would be a good way for you to feel less bored and more fulfilled personally.

Riss91

I think you need to ask him to discuss with you how to relieve some of the frustration you are feeling. You need to set goals together - regarding how much "together" time during the week, dinner time, etc. Approach him in a loving and positive way "I feel like we can make our schedules work a bit better so that we are allocating the right time to being together while also getting other independent tasks completed. What do you think? Do you feel like we spend enough time together? How can we re-arrange things to improve this?"

If he feels like everything is fine the way it is, let him know that you might need more. Reassure him that you aren't expecting to operate at 100%, especially while he is working so hard, but you would like x, y, z as a minimum. See how he feels about working towards those basic goals. Then, work from there.

FWIW, I agree with pp that you feeling lonely while he is at work is something YOU need to address separately. As someone who is the sole breadwinner, I feel an intense amount of pressure as it is - I really would have a hard time if my husband needed me to help him from feeling lonely/bored while I'm at work. Pick up a hobby pr two like crafting, join a yoga class, volunteer at an animal shelter... something that will add some excitement to your life.

itzMS

The gym situation I can understand, I know many couples who have very separate hobbies. You'll just have to look into some things to get you out of the house, too.

But, OP, can you explain a bit more about the visitors you had in your home that your DH didn't introduce you to? To me, that is bizzare and inexcusable.
Why didn't you greet them when they arrived and instead only appear when they were leaving? There has to be more to the story here.

I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time.

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_so-frustrated-and-lostplease-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:e86e2887-ab57-462e-a017-5f2c24bae8dePost:5e5b5ee4-a648-4855-ab85-0014686105ac">Re: So frustrated and lost....please help.</a>:
[QUOTE]At the very least, it seems to me that you might benefit from some of your own activities outside the home.  I'm a student too, so I completely understand the money issue, but perhaps you could find an opportunity to do some volunteering in the afternoons?  Alternatively, does your school offer any extracurricular activities?
Posted by elbow23[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this as well.  Apparently my parents had very similar problems, where my dad was out golfing and my mom was stuck at home taking care of my sister and I, and apparently it really wore on my mom.  My dad ended up buying her a horse, and he said it saved their marriage.</div><div>
</div><div>I also agree that y'all need to sit down and talk about some of these issues.  He might not even realize that what he's doing is hurtful.  It's all part of setting routines.</div><div>
</div><div>And I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way!</div>

Resa77

I agree that it might be helpful for you to find something more fulfilling to fill your time with.  However, I personally would be hurt it my husband would rather work out for 3 hours every night than spend time with me.  I get that working out can be a stress reliever and all that, but honestly, even if he weren't married, that seems very excessive to me.  It seems like a borderline addiction to me.

lalaith50

Assuming you didn't live together before you were married (not criticizing, rather I would commend you for that,) it sounds to me like you guys are just going to have to BOTH adjust. I imagine that *he* probably feels overwhelmed, like maybe he is feeling like his wife is way more clingy and needy than he would have expected, and he just wants his time alone. If you guys didn't spend 6 hours together *every single night* (as in, if he still got to work out when he wanted to,) then he's probably going to want to keep doing that. Marriage doesn't magically change people. So, give him his space.

(Is it possible that he is increasing his workout time b/c he knows that as soon as he walks into the door, his wife will be gently demanding all of his attention?)

I don't think 7 pm is unreasonable at all for dinnertime, but I can understand your frustration stemming from boredom.

Lately, DH and I have been eating dinner sometimes at 9 pm, as we are both incredibly busy with our various jobs. But for the first 10 months of our marriage I was barely employed and would find myself soooo bored when he wasnt home. It helped so much for me to start volunteering somewhere, and also when I got a part-time job, mainly to occupy myself. 

Maybe it would also help, if rather than you viewing all of his evenings as "yours," you could talk with him about having less of his time, but having it be more quality. For example, don't expect him to be home at a certain time every single night. I know that will be hard b/c you want to eat together, but remember he is used to *always* being able to choose when to eat, so for you to ask that he be home at a certain time only half the nights, he's already compromising. Try to give him his space when he is home. Maybe instead of focusing on what he can't do ("don't come home late, don't work out too much, etc,") focus on the special times that you DO want his full attention. Like tell him he can do whatever he wants and you don't even care how late he stays away (and then follow through on your word! Don't be calling him wondering when he is getting home or whatever!) but then see if you guys can agree on like 3 nights a week where he will make every effort to eat with you at what you consider a reasonable hour, and/or make sure you have a few special "date nights" set up each week.

So yeah, it can be a shock for those who havent lived together before marriage that it can be suffocating to spend allll your available hours together. I know I said a lot about what YOU should do, I definitely think that talking to him is really important (maybe it's possible that he doesnt understand how you're feeling?), and maybe I got the wrong idea from your post, but just make sure you don't smother him! That's the only explanation I can think of for why he's behaving how he is.

agapecarrie

I haven't noticed any hateful responses here... This could be Myers Briggs and love language differences, with some more sensitivity thrown in. It could also be some serious differences in expectations, and the "self-giving" efforts diminishing too quickly. First--- pray. Go to adoration. Since you've got the afternoons open, find a later daily mass and adoration chapel. Seek Christ. Second: read 5 love languages. Also, both of you take the Myers briggs test with someone that can go through the results with you Third: pray together. Get counseling.

stantokm

Like agapecarrie said, read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.  It is really insightful.  My FH and I did and were surprised at how we were able to make our relationship better when we didn't even have any problems to start with.  There is a quiz at the end that you can take to help determine what your main love language is and the book gives suggestions on what to do for your spouse depending on what his/her language is.  You can also find the quiz online, but I'd recommend reading the book first.

Like PPs said, take up a hobby or volunteer.  Volunteering especially can be added to your resume; I volunteer with the Junior League and was able to add skills that I learned through the organization to my skills resume, which I found more helpful than if I helped out with an animal shelter.  On the other hand, animal shelters=puppies to play with.  You can't go wrong.

amber&19

I guess I'd never thought of volunteering before. I don't really know why. Thank you for your idea, I'm going to check into it. It helps so much.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_so-frustrated-and-lostplease-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:e86e2887-ab57-462e-a017-5f2c24bae8dePost:5e5b5ee4-a648-4855-ab85-0014686105ac">Re: So frustrated and lost....please help.</a>:
[QUOTE]At the very least, it seems to me that you might benefit from some of your own activities outside the home.  I'm a student too, so I completely understand the money issue, but perhaps you could find an opportunity to do some volunteering in the afternoons?  Alternatively, does your school offer any extracurricular activities?
Posted by elbow23[/QUOTE]

amber&19

I really appreciate all of the responses ladies. I am starting to feel a little better about things just taking in all that you've said. I hadn't thought about things in some of the ways that you all mentioned. It helps to have a place to come to talk to people like all of you and know that I'm not the only person that's gone through this. My computer isn't letting me answer everyone seperately for some reason, which I wish I COULD do. Thank you for everything. We'll keep trying! I want it to get better.

theelusive1

I don't know what your husband does for work but I know I needed to go for a walk or something after working a high stress job.  Maybe this is what he is doing with the gym.You said he use to work out all the time before you married?  I know that exercise makes you feel good and it sounds like his body is use to that work out.  Could you make a compromise and go to the gym once in a while?  You two don't have to be together at the gym but you could ride the bikes or something. 
I agree with PP on finding something for you to do.  A hobby or volunteer job a couple days a week.  Maybe be a tutor to other students at your school?
I know we have been married a long time and have many kids and grandchildren but if we were together all the time it would be boring to us.  We both have other interests, volunteer and work.  Our house is up at 4 am and have cows to milk.  we keep very busy.