Please Read (especially board regs)

Meg1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-read-especially-board-regs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:ebf2f590-553b-4355-babb-a9679f63dce7Post:10d27363-05e2-46c0-bab0-0a5fa1450b54">Re: Please Read (especially board regs)</a>:
[QUOTE]oh, wow, that's sooo mature. I'm soooo glad that we have people like that whom TK has wisely chosen to be a mod....
Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]

I think Agape makes a good point about not talking about people on other boards.

I think this post is way out of line, however.  Whoever you have a problem with, say it.  And say it maturely, without sarcasm, and stand behind your words.  Ambiguous, sarcastic finger-pointing doesn't get anyone anywhere, and IMO, really made an otherwise productive thread take a really negative turn.

doctabroccoli

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-read-especially-board-regs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:ebf2f590-553b-4355-babb-a9679f63dce7Post:c0846a82-eaa7-4fce-aac7-70a71b55fe24">Re: Please Read (especially board regs)</a>:
[QUOTE]But that's the whole point-- if you're trying to give a 'good Christian image' of this board and Catholics in general, then repeating negative things that have been said by people on this board is not the way to do it!
Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]

The only things I've ever said have been like "There's a conversation that's bothering me on CW" or something to vent.  Geez, what do you think, I go and gossip about individual posters on other boards?  Thanks so much for making a completely generalized impression of me based off of something that Agape said (that wasn't even just about me).  And I will admit that Agape gets mentioned on E from time to time because a lot of E posters lurk on CW, but I try to stay out of the convo or quickly change the subject.

lalaith50

"a lecture on how to be a mod" doesn't sound very nice to me.

Well, I'm not just talking to docta, because this certainly crosses the line of immature/sarcastic/brattiness:

"Get your ass back over to CW board.  Your BFF has something she wants to tell you! May to me as well,  she's hard to understand sometimes"

(thanks for airing the dirty laundry of CW to the whole world! It makes all of us Catholics look sooo good!)

doctabroccoli

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-read-especially-board-regs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:ebf2f590-553b-4355-babb-a9679f63dce7Post:bd0d0898-e19d-4a8d-9c57-5a3cc4c3e471">Re: Please Read (especially board regs)</a>:
[QUOTE]"a lecture on how to be a mod" doesn't sound very nice to me.
Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]

I said that because the topic of the thread was "Things said to/about you on E/TK that have bothered you most", and yeah, that bothered me.  A lot.  Actually, it was one of the reasons for this post.  I didn't say who it was from, because, yes, that wouldn't have been right.  There are a lot of people who post (or lurk) here who also post other places.  Things come up in conversation from time to time.  And if and when they do, I have no moderator control over anyone anywhere but here.  I only have control of myself elsewhere.  So if you have a problem with something that someone says on another board, then say something to her about it.

ETA:  For the record, I did tell the person that her lecture bothered me.  So the person who sent me that knows who she is.  I was talking generally out of respect.

mica178

Wow.  This thread turned ugly quickly. 

As someone who spends way too much time on E, I can say that docta rarely talks about what goes on in CW over there, and if she does, it's in the vaguest of terms.  Docta is barely over at E at all because she's busy between work, married life and modding here on CW. 

Docta is generally a great poster on TK, and she is fantastic here as mod on CW. 

As was mentioned on the first page of this thread, CW is more than another chatty board on the internet.  It's a board that ends up (intentionally or unintentionally) representing Catholics and Catholicism to a bunch of new brides.  All of this fighting (on the peace-making thread, no less) is not promoting the religion in any positive way.

Meg1036

Veggie - YGPM.

And I 100% support Mica's post above this one.

Riss91

Wow! Just did some searching and it's really sad that we can drag each other down like that. I don't see the need to insult the ladies here on other boards, I just don't. If you have a problem with someone, mention it here or PM them. That's productive. All this other stuff is immature nonsense.

Resa77

Well said, Mica.

agapecarrie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-read-especially-board-regs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:ebf2f590-553b-4355-babb-a9679f63dce7Post:37f23348-711c-47e2-bf13-d8915234afea">Re: Please Read (especially board regs)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please Read (especially board regs) : The only things I've ever said have been like "There's a conversation that's bothering me on CW" or something to vent.  Geez, what do you think, I go and gossip about individual posters on other boards?  Thanks so much for making a completely generalized impression of me based off of something that Agape said (that wasn't even just about me).  And I will admit that Agape gets mentioned on E from time to time because a lot of E posters lurk on CW, but I try to stay out of the convo or quickly change the subject.
Posted by doctabroccoli[/QUOTE]

I'm calling you out here docta. I've seen you mention me by name several times.

agapecarrie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-read-especially-board-regs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:ebf2f590-553b-4355-babb-a9679f63dce7Post:4891f810-610d-4aad-8eb9-146c1608f779">Re: Please Read (especially board regs)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please Read (especially board regs) : I said that because the topic of the thread was "Things said to/about you on E/TK that have bothered you most", and yeah, that bothered me.  A lot.  Actually, it was one of the reasons for this post.  I didn't say who it was from, because, yes, that wouldn't have been right.  There are a lot of people who post (or lurk) here who also post other places.  Things come up in conversation from time to time.  And if and when they do, I have no moderator control over anyone anywhere but here.  I only have control of myself elsewhere.  So if you have a problem with something that someone says on another board, then say something to her about it. ETA:  For the record, I did tell the person that her lecture bothered me.  So the person who sent me that knows who she is.  I was talking generally out of respect.
Posted by doctabroccoli[/QUOTE]

and...to clarify, you told me you upset with me "NOT" as a mod...so in PM, when I told you what you said was uncalled for, I was NOT telling you how to be a mod. It had nothing to do with moderating. That was also very unfair for you to say that.

doctabroccoli

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-read-especially-board-regs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:ebf2f590-553b-4355-babb-a9679f63dce7Post:a5e988d4-73dc-4bbd-8985-02c523a5e2d9">Re: Please Read (especially board regs)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please Read (especially board regs) : and...to clarify, you told me you upset with me "NOT" as a mod...so in PM, when I told you what you said was uncalled for, I was NOT telling you how to be a mod. It had nothing to do with moderating. That was also very unfair for you to say that.
Posted by agapecarrie[/QUOTE]

Umm, that wasn't about you.  I don't know why you would assume it was since I said the person it was about knows who she is.

And please provide me with links where I talked about you if you're going to accuse me of that.  I said that people do bring you up on other boards, usually in my presence since they know I'm a mod here, but I can't do anything about that.  I usually try to change the subject as quickly as possible.

ETA:  I found what I believe you were talking about.  It was after some kind of heated discussion with you, and clearly I was frustrated.  But for the record, I was not the one who initially brought you up, AND this happened before I became a moderator.  Doesn't make it right, but what I'm trying to say is that I don't purposefully bring you (or anyone else) up on other boards.

agapecarrie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-read-especially-board-regs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:ebf2f590-553b-4355-babb-a9679f63dce7Post:a417923c-982b-452a-859b-24e696f1755d">Re: Please Read (especially board regs)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please Read (especially board regs) : Umm, that wasn't about you.  I don't know why you would assume it was since I said the person it was about knows who she is.
Posted by doctabroccoli[/QUOTE]
I take this part back then.

doctabroccoli

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-read-especially-board-regs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:ebf2f590-553b-4355-babb-a9679f63dce7Post:9c1026d8-6d83-469c-9005-55a216e70d93">Re: Please Read (especially board regs)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please Read (especially board regs) : I take this part back then.
Posted by agapecarrie[/QUOTE]

Thank you.

Riss91

So - to conclude:

When you post on the boards, people read the posts. Insulting people here and on other boards is really immature. People's feelings get hurt. The best way to deal with someone that bothers you is to talk to them calmly about it (off-board if necessary). If you don't feel like they are understanding and willing to change, you can choose to ignore them or just block them completely.

But we all need to be able to have patience for each other. If someone posts something that makes your blood boil - try to calm yourself down before you respond. Try to discuss differences with an open mind and understand that not everyone is going to agree. And it's okay. Flinging more nastiness back is only going to escalate things.

It shouldn't be that hard to be nice.

Can we all call a truce, say we're sorry for hurting others' feelings and try a bit harder not to let it come to this again?

Cuz I really don't like this feeling of dread everytime I come to look at the board. Worrying about what other nonsense has hit the fan since the last time I checked.

doctabroccoli

I would very much like that. This thread was never intended to turn into what it did.

monkeysip

I second Riss' post.  We've all said snarky or heated things.  So let's just put it all behind us and try not to let the past prejudice our future responses to each other.

caitriona87

Wow. I just did some reading. I had no idea about the catty gossip about people here that went on at other boards. From some regulars over here. That is really, seriously a shame.

ETA I will take heated theological discussion, which comes from a desire for Truth, any day over some kind of false charity that disguises malice under nicey-nice words.

doctabroccoli

I'm gonna say one last thing since this thread got derailed again into judging the morality of some posters here. 

I probably should've just come out and said this to begin with since it's one direct motivation for this thread, but I'm tired of being viewed as the crazy board.  It weighs on me a lot because I do regularly post elsewhere.  I am continuously amazed at the number of regular posters just on E alone who are Catholic and lurk on the CW board but do not post, much less posters from other boards and those who only lurk and post nowhere.  I learn about another person almost on a weekly basis at this point when they say something to me about this board in general or specific posters since they know I post and mod over here.  Of course some of us over here going and venting our frustrations on other boards does not help.  I participated in conversation several months back when I was angry that I should not have, and I am very sorry.  I can only assume that others are too.  But the reputation of this board does not come from dirty laundry-airing alone.  People say derogatory things about E all the time elsewhere like "Oh, those E girls are a bunch of b!tches" or whatever.  And while I love that place and my friends over there, that board is truly JUST an online hangout.  People thinking CW posters are crazy or whatever because of how posts are worded can have a much larger effect, which is what I was trying to say at the start of this.  I can't control what anyone says but myself.  I can only give you guys a pep talk to try to change the perception of this board and Catholicism as a whole.  Seriously, we should not be seen as the crazy board, because none of us is crazy in the slightest.  We should be seen as the awesome board, and I can only hope that even if you don't like me, you will respect the reputation of this board enough to think before you post.  It's not gonna be an overnight change.  I know I've been trying to better myself here, and sure, I've had a few setbacks.  We're human.  It's gonna happen.  We all set goals for ourselves as individuals.  Let's set that goal as a board to be awesome.  (And my vocabulary is apparently lacking this morning, so if you can come up with a suggestion for a better adjective than awesome, please do, lol).  Put yourself in someone else's shoes before you post (please times infiniti)! 

Okay, I'll shut up now.  Thanks in advance for your consideration.

caitriona87

I will say one more thing (ok, set of things) prior to shutting up myself:

Thank you for apologizing publicly. I appreciate it (which probably sounds silly since I wasn't involved. But still.)

The secular world is always going to think the Church is crazy. No way around it. Jesus told us it would be that way, always has, and always will. Her moral teaching, for example, is never going to win us popularity in the eyes of the world, no matter how nicely we say it.

That said, I think the goal of always speaking Truth in charity is obviously one we should strive for (though tbh I already think a lot of women here do it well, and a few truly superlatively--Riss & Jasmine off the top of my head, there are others too.)

My suggestion is that we a) choose a board patron (the Holy Family or Our Lady of Loreto are some I thought might be appropriate, but I'm sure others would have great suggestions as well) and b) whoever seems to be on first each morning start some kind of prayer thread. Or something like that.  If we want to represent the Church in this little corner of the internet (that is, be some sort of "ministry" if you will) this seems the only logical course of action to me.

Jasmine&Rajah

Thank you caitriona - that's really, really kind of you to say and it means a great deal to me.

While I don't want to drag this thread out . . .  I do have to agree that we're always going to be regarded as "crazy" by the world, no matter how politely we explain our beliefs.  (Of course, that doesn't mean we should give up and resort to speaking harshly or abrasively, as that would not be very Christian of us.)  ;-) 

But docta, do you really think it's how things are being stated, as opposed to what is being stated, that gives us a "reputation?"  Heck, I pepper everything I post with smiley emoticons, but that doesn't change the words I'm saying or what my beliefs are.  If someone who is not Christian is going to disagree with me, they will (although again, I stress that we should still aim to always speak kindly, but I've never had a problem with the way anyone here explains our faith so long as they are speaking the Truth.)

God bless you all.

bibliophileemily

Thank you for this post! As a lurker who drops in every now and then, it's so refreshing not only to see a thread asking for everyone to behave charitably and in a Christian manner, but to also see the other members agreeing and adding that we still have to "preach the Gospel with our actions" online...it's so invigorating!
God bless all of you!

doctabroccoli

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-read-especially-board-regs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:ebf2f590-553b-4355-babb-a9679f63dce7Post:e42e3945-6d1c-4b4c-8735-718115b6f332">Re: Please Read (especially board regs)</a>:
[QUOTE]But docta, do you really think it's how things are being stated, as opposed to what is being stated, that gives us a "reputation?"  Heck, I pepper everything I post with smiley emoticons, but that doesn't change the words I'm saying or what my beliefs are.  If someone who is not Christian is going to disagree with me, they will (although again, I stress that we should still aim to always speak kindly, but I've never had a problem with the way anyone here explains our faith so long as they are speaking the Truth.) God bless you all.
Posted by Jasmine&Rajah[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately, yes, Jas, that is what I think.  There are a lot of Catholics who post on other boards who have classified this board as "crazy".  And I'm sure you've seen posters here (myself included) harping on Agape for her posting tone....  She unfortunately I think gets the brunt of the attention, but I digress....

Most of the boards here are actual communities.  The posters are friends with each other online, and some of us have even developed real-life relationships!  For instance, I post on the etiquette board as well.  But the regular posters don't JUST talk about etiquette.  We talk about things that are going on in our lives, things that are making us angry, etc.  This is the same on other boards.

When people come here and ask a question, they sometimes get bombarded with all facts and no emotion.  It can be overwhelming, even to Catholics, because it's SO different from the tone of the rest of the TK community.  That's why several posters have tried to make it clear to several other posters to try to develop relationships - insert a little emotion into posts rather than just spewing doctrine.  It will go a long way to make people feel more comfortable posting here.

I'm going to try to stimulate discussion other than doctrine talk to try to get this place to develop into more of a community.  We'll call it our little CW experiment :).

Calypso1977

Even if Agape's tone is harsh (and that's completely subjective), one person does not make a board crazy.

i genuinely think that people find our board crazy because many of us are more conservative, traditional catholics.  society seems to have an acceptable dislike for catholics, and this board is simply reflective of real life.  in fact, on other boards people will freely say "i hate catholics because of XYZ".  the usual "all priests are child molestors" comes out and the "catholics hate women" lines are frequently touted.  i am with jasmine, that it is what is said, rather than how.

case in point is the birth control/IVF/living together discussions where people (many catholics!) come on there and throw out the line of "the church needs to get with the times".  we are made to feel "old fashioned" (another term thrown out often) and some how "weird" because we follow church teaching on these matters.

i think on many boards (although certainly not E) the posters tell people what they want to hear instead of what they should hear.  I think many "catholics" come here wanting to hear that its ok for them to engage in premarital sex or marry outdoors or do any number of things with regard to their weddings which effectively turn their backs on their faith.

anywho, i feel (as a regular here) that there is a sense of community.  its just not the typical sense you get on other boards.