Waiting Until...

XML&MrP

my FI & I decided to wait until marriage. We do already have 2 children together, but after going to a retreat, receiving my confirmation recently and really connecting spiritually with God. I decided it was best to wait until marriage to continue... It has been a hard couple months mostly bc of FI

He is a great man but although he agrees with what we're doing he wants to do "other" things or is always groping me... lol, I feel like I'm in highschool again...

Anyway, are any of you ladies waiting and is it as hard for you as it is for me?
P.S. this whole waiting thing is also great for us bc we have found so many things to do with our time, we really focus on one another and its like dating all over, minus the sex.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_waiting-until?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:ed43e1d4-96c5-4b7e-a1b4-3ecb517ce126Post:99141fe2-6c28-4023-a379-53ebe3ce87ae">Waiting Until...</a>:
[QUOTE]my FI & I decided to wait until marriage. We do already have 2 children together, but after going to a retreat, receiving my confirmation recently and really connecting spiritually with God. I decided it was best to wait until marriage to continue... It has been a hard couple months mostly bc of FI :/ He is a great man but although he agrees with what we're doing he wants to do "other" things or is always groping me... lol, I feel like I'm in highschool again... Anyway, are any of you ladies waiting and is it as hard for you as it is for me? P.S. this whole waiting thing is also great for us bc we have found so many things to do with our time, we really focus on one another and its like dating all over, minus the sex.
Posted by XML&MrP[/QUOTE]

This is something you have to agree to make the commitment to do together.  It's damaging to your relationship to just turn around on a dime after years and two kids together and think that YOUR decision is automatically HIS.

And if you consider it "groping", you have a lot of talking to do together.

Have you brought this up with your priest or another spiritual confidant?

lalaith50

Oh, wow, that totally stinks, to have to feel like you're the one always being the "gatekeeper!" 

My initial thought about this is that not only does your future husband need to be more on-board with something that you've both agreed on, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who lacks self-control? Marriage is NOT always easy- there are many, many times that we have to give up our own will and desires for the good of the other person or the relationship. If he can't do this now, and in this particular area, do you think he will be better or worse at it for the rest of your life? 

Secondly, I think perhaps he would have an easier time if he understood the WHY of why you are doing this. Being chaste before marriage isn't just about coming as close as you can to "the line," for your own personal gratification. It's about respecting the other person (of course as well as after marriage,) and it sounds to me that by acting like this, he is not respecting YOU- he is treating you as an object for his own pleasure.

I would highly recommend that you study some more about the Church teaching in regards to the dignity of humans and our sexuality to learn more about why chastity is so important. Besides, being married doesn't give you a ticket to do whatever you want- he is still going to have to respect and your needs, and in many relationships there are things that one person is not comfortable with, but the other person wants to do, and that Church teaches that no one should ever be forced to do something like that they don't want to do, and if he can't control his desires now, then what about later? 

Anyhow, I some GREAT books that I've read (that you can get on Amazon)  include Christoper West's "The Good News about Sex and Marriage," as well as Edward Sri's "Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love," and then after you're married, "Holy Sex" is also a great book (but not so good for someone to read before being married who is already struggling with chastity, since it has the couple talk about some graphic things that are only appropriate to discuss/think about within marriage.)

ETA: oh I hope I don't come across as too harsh. While I still kind of agree with what I said above, I also kind of agree with what Resa says below.

Resa77

It's not easy to always feel like you're the one keepinig the relationship chaste, so I hope you can have a nice, open convo with your FI about how you feel.  That being said, I think most relationships have one person who has more sexual self-control than the other.  A good friend of mine always acknowledges her H as the one who kept them chaste before marriage!  As long as he's supportive, and after the fact is thankful that you stopped things from going too far, I think you've got a good man.  Especially for a man who has spent a considerable amount of time, I'm assuming, in a sexual relationship with you, it's probably a lot harder for him to stop that habit and be chaste than it would be for a man who had never had sex with his FI. 

professorscience

I agree with PPs.  Hopefully if you can discuss your reasons for waiting with him, he will respect your wishes.  I agree that it can be especially hard if you've already had sex. 

I would suggest seeking some additional pre-marital counseling if it is a huge problem.  While the "problem" of not having sex will obviously go away once you are married, I think the bigger issue is the respect for your wishes.

Tami87

I have been dating FI for almost 5 years (met when we were 20) and we are waiting for marriage. We are both virgins and try to be chaste but we aren't perfect (I am thankful for confession and God's mercy). It has been really challenging. Actually at the beginning of the relationship FI was the one who felt more strongly about waiting for marriage, whereas although I knew I wanted to wait for a serious relationship where I was in love and could see myself marrying and having children with the guy, I hadn't necessarily planned on waiting until we were married. So at the beginning of our relationship I felt I was always pushing things. Now I am so glad that we decided to wait. The books lalaith mentioned also helped shape my views of the church's teaching on sex and I recommend them as well. It has taken a lot of conversations about what we feel comfortable with, how we can show physical affection while still being chaste. These last two months before our wedding have especially been difficult and now it seems that our roles have reversed and FI is the one who tires to push it. But we try to work together and remind ourself we have made it this far that we can continue to wait and it will be worth it.

XML&MrP

Trust me, he is VERY patient lol. And I made this decision on my own because lets face it, what man who isn't a virgin is going to jump up and say "let's not do it! let's not do it!!!' But based on his past before me and mine before him, its been the best thing for us. And, he always says that he will NOT allow for me to give in even if we are at "that" point. Thanks for all your input ladies. This is not easy, but only 40 days to go!

Calypso1977

try sleeping in separate beds.  seriously.  even if this means one of you going to the couch for the next 40 days. 

monkeysip

When FI and I first got together, we weren't very strong in our faith (we weren't catholic either), and we definitely crossed the line of chastity many many times (but not sex). 

Once we came to a fuller understanding of chastity (not a legalistic no-sex-but-everything-else-is-okay kind of understanding), it was definitely difficult to go back and stop acting inappropriately, but it did get better with time.

It is harder for FI than it is for me, so sometimes it does feel like I'm the gatekeeper.  But I know that he completely agrees with me on what is proper... it's just sometimes our bodies do what our minds know is not right

I know for us it is really important to be open and talk about it a lot and make sure that we understand what could be stumbling blocks for us (for example... sleeping in the same bed, passionate kissing, or something like that). 

Once you're married, you don't have to worry about those specific boundaries anymore, but it is definitely good to make sure that you both fully understand chastity since it is a virtue for all of our lives, not just before marriage.

professorscience

Also, living chastely before marriage makes NFP WAAAAAAY easier!  All our friends (even the ones who criticized our choice to use NFP) agree that of our most recently married friends, H and I are the least likely to have an unplanned pregnancy, because we're "used to not having sex," and therefore better "trained" at resisting temptation!  Definitely a cynical way of looking at things, but I found it pretty amusing.

lmeade62

It's definitely not easy. We agreed we wouldn't have sex until we got married, then after we got engaged, I'm somewhat ashamed to say, we changed our minds. (I just turned 50 and he's four years older, so getting pregnant wasn't an issue.) Finally, though, I couldn't handle the guilt; I went to confession, then told him I didn't want to have sex anymore until the wedding. It was a really difficult conversation - he had been very hurt and rejected by his ex-wife in that way, and I was afraid he'd see this the same way. He was very upset; it took a lot of talking but we finally came to a point of agreement - and I'm glad we did. It made our wedding night very, very special.

It's a very difficult conversation to have, because once one person decides not to have sex there's really not a lot the other person can do about it, even if they don't agree. But keep talking about it, and I bet you'll find a way to work your way through it. I also will say, it was fun to rediscover the simple pleasure of just holding hands, holding each other, and of kissing...they became wonderful in and of themselves, rather than a means to an end.

Lots of prayers for you...courage...

Linda

caiti2u

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_waiting-until?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:ed43e1d4-96c5-4b7e-a1b4-3ecb517ce126Post:f3e9ba85-fa60-49c8-9415-566fd57442f4">Re: Waiting Until...</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, living chastely before marriage makes NFP WAAAAAAY easier!  All our friends (even the ones who criticized our choice to use NFP) agree that of our most recently married friends, H and I are the least likely to have an unplanned pregnancy, because we're "used to not having sex," and therefore better "trained" at resisting temptation!  Definitely a cynical way of looking at things, but I found it pretty amusing.
Posted by professorscience[/QUOTE]

<div>I find this kinda funny since as Catholics so many people think we all plan to start having kids right after married! "You're supposed to want to have tons of kids since you're Catholic, right?". </div>

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_waiting-until?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:ed43e1d4-96c5-4b7e-a1b4-3ecb517ce126Post:cc0b977b-2af8-48c9-8015-c5e4c4a6472a">Re: Waiting Until...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Waiting Until... : I find this kinda funny since as Catholics so many people think we all plan to start having kids right after married! "You're supposed to want to have tons of kids since you're Catholic, right?". 
Posted by caiti2u[/QUOTE]

Haha, yeah.  I've definitely had the conversation that no matter how long H and I wait, a number of our friends will think our pregnancy(ies) were unintended, just because we use NFP.  Whatever.  Let them be wrong.  =)

futuremrsbruno

My FI and i were asked to abstain until our wedding night once we took our sacraments. My FI didn't see that coming, but I did. I figured that they wouldn't be completely okay with us living together before marriage, and there would be some sort of thing we would have to do because of it. It was either take our sacraments at Easter and wait, or schedule when to take our sacraments closer to the wedding. FI and I were in a class with about 8 other people, so we wanted to come full circle in the process with them. Even though FI wasn't completely happy with the idea, he wanted to take his sacraments with everyone and not have us wait, so he agreed.

I can tell you it has not been easy. I can also tell you it's not been perfect either. (Thankfully, there is confession and God's forgiveness for that). I've found that my FI is worse now than when we didn't have to abstain. He said it's like being told you can't have something. It just makes you want it more and makes you want to rebel. He said had we not been asked to do this, we probably would have made the decision to abstain on our own. It's funny how the brain works. It's also funny how grown men revert back into adolescent boys when something they love to do is taken away from them. Like I said, it hasn't been easy and we haven't been perfect, but it's been almost funny to watch my FI, who I met when he was 24, act like a horny teenager and then pout about it.

The thing I've had the toughest time with is following the rules we were given and at the same time wanting to "obey my husband". (Not obey in that sense, because I'm not being forced into anything, but you know how the saying goes...) I want him to be happy, yet I want to be good and carry this through. That's really where my struggle has been. Thankfully, we have a wonderful priest who gave me sound advice in our confession and I don't feel guity like I had before. While I did have to confess that we've had a slip up or two, I was also able to confess my guilt and my frustration with my FI and his inability to control himself. Our priest made me realize that this is a struggle, and me wanting to make both my partner and my God happy isn't a bad thing, it just takes some balance and determination.

That being said I am definitely the stronger of the two in this. Although, I do think that most women are. We seem to have the ability to better control ourselves when it comes to sex. Men seem to lose all sorts of self control. My theory is that it has to do with our sex organs being internal and theirs being external. We have better control over them because they are inside. I know it sounds crazy, but almost all of my girlfriends can go months and months without having sex, and most guys I know complain if they hit day 5.

XML&MrP

Lol thanks for all your advice ladies, and @ futuremrsbruno it doesnot sound crazy and actually back in highschool we discussed this in a class and it makes perfect sense. Woman are more emotional (for the most part) and men tend to be more extrovert... So God knows exactly what he was doing when he made men and women

futuremrsbruno

LOL yes it seems like he did. I am happy to report that FI has been behaving himself. Then again, work has gotten very busy for him in the last couple of days. I hope it stays that way!!!

Calypso1977

i dunno, mrsbruno, my organs are inside and i pretty much want it every day. 

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_waiting-until?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:ed43e1d4-96c5-4b7e-a1b4-3ecb517ce126Post:8dce748c-952e-478e-8050-f033355d481c">Re: Waiting Until...</a>:
[QUOTE]i dunno, mrsbruno, my organs are inside and i pretty much want it every day. 
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

hahahahahahahaha.

Try living away from your new H for the first six months of your marriage.  ;)

kaylaveronica

My finance and I have been together for 5 year (we met @ age 15 and started dating @ 17) FI was a fallen away Catholic and I was a non-practicing Lutheran. We weren't chaste for the first 1 1/2 of our relationship, and lived together straight out of high school. Then he went back to the Church and I converted. We've been chaste for over 3 1/2 years now. It was really tough going backwards like that, much tougher than if we never had in the first place, I'm sure. 

If we hadn't stopped I don't think we would still be together. We've grown so much in that time and got to know each other on a much deeper level, and are really able to practice the Faith. You can't be Catholic and disregard the teaching of Christ at the same time. We realized that having sex before marriage wasn't love no matter how you spin it. It can't really be more than lust/infatuation without giving yourself wholly to your spouse. You're just using each other for self gratification. There is no union. 

It's definitely hard to back track but it is SO, SO worth it! 

I will say though, that you have to be on the same page for it to work. The reason we made it through is that neither of use put the moves on each other. If your FI is still doing that, its going to put a strain on your rx (as well as making it extremely difficult for you to persevere) and that needs to be addressed pronto. 

We've also started praying together ...especially this one: "Mary, keep my body pure and my soul Holy, My mother preserve me this night from mortal sin." - followed by a Hail Mary 3 times. Mary is the Queen of purity and should be invoked with every temptation. 

Prayers! I hope that you are able to stick it out and have a blessed marriage! 

lalaith50

Wow, Kayla, that's awesome! Thanks for sharing!