fees? questions? rambling?

maggiebaggie

Hey everyone!

Long time lurker, first time post-er. 

A little background:

I was raised in a 'loosely' Catholic family, and I am a practicing and active member in my parish in Boston for the last 4 years. No one I know in my family has had a Catholic ceremony, so I'm totally lost here!

 We recently got engaged, and I just moved to GA, and he is still in MA....he will be in MA until January. I got in touch with several churches in the area, and they all charge over 1,200 for parishioners that have not been active in the particular church for at least a year..... and some fees in other places are even heftier!! One charges 2000!

I don't want to circumvent anything, but you'd think they'd make an exception for our case? We even have a letter from our parish in Boston saying that we have been active members for the past 4 years.....

Are these fees non-negotiable? Would it be rude to ask?

Another question I had, is...can we have a civil ceremony (i.e - sign papers and be 'married'...mostly for health insurance purposes!) and later on once we've saved money to pay the church fees and receptions etc, have the ceremony at the church...I just wouldn't feel married unless it's under the eyes of God, but we'd like to work out our insurance issues sooner rather than later. Does the church allow for this?

Ok I know this post is long and rambly, but thanks so much for reading, ladies!!

Jay&Marissa

I would talk to the parish you plan to join permanently and explain your situation, letting them know you plan to be an actual member...and then register for the parish and attend!

As for the civil ceremony, that might put you into convalidation territory. Other posters will know better than I would.

HandBanana

From what most of the posters say on here, convalidations are difficult and only granted in extremely rare situations.

You can get married in the church without having a large wedding.

I would continue to talk to churches and maybe even look into suburbs outside of Boston.  I know there are some in Chicago that have large fees.  Ours didn't mostly because no one knows about it.

Why can't you get married in the parish you have been active in for the past 4 years?

maggiebaggie

I can't get married in Boston because I'm relocating to Georgia

COSmitty

I know of others who have done the civil ceremony (for military reasons) and then done the church marraige/wedding. Granted they lived in different states until after they were married by the church. Talk to the priest from your old parish about it first and see what they say. Maybe they could facilitate with the new parish you choose?

The church fees if they cover everything are about that for me- between classes, meeting with the deacons, church, priest, paperwork fees, etc. BUT if that is only for the ceremony then it seems high to me- though I am not in your region.

And no. it is not rude to ask about finances. You should not have to postpone your wedding because you want to be married in the church.

HandBanana

So you are saying the parishes in Georgia are charging all money.  I tthought you were going back to MA to get married. 

I will re-iterate convalidations (according to others) are not easy to get so you should talk to your priest and church before considering this route.

Sit down and talk to the priest where you want to be married.  Tell him that you are considering a civil cereomy due to the cost.  Have a conversation about it.

lalaith50

I hope you realize that the reason churches charge so much is because there are so many couples who just walk in and either want to get married in a pretty church, want to get married in a church cuz their parents want them to, or just want to get married to ease their own guilt that they know they ought to, but in any of those above cases, they never plan on going back after the wedding. The reasoning of the expensive cost (andy why the church doesn't feel guilty,) is that if people wanted to be committed to a particular church, then they would have already registered  prior to deciding they wanted to get married there (so they could get the reduced fee!)

I would definitely repeat what a PP said, and see if your old parish could give you a letter saying you have been active parishioners until moved. Then, I would choose a parish that you WANT to be a part of beyond your wedding, then go to that church, explain how you've just moved, show them the letter, tell them that you WANT to, and plan on, being an active member beyond the wedding. And then tell them you are thinking of a civil ceremony b/c the cost. My priest would always say that he would never turn down someone for a sacrament b/c of the cost. 

But... I have said all that assuming that $1200 truly is a lot of money for you and you are really unable to pay it. (These are rhetorical questions--) How much did you spend on your dress? How much will you spend for the reception? In the grand scheme of things, is $1200 really a lot of money? Lots of times, people think that the church should be a freebie, without calculating all the additional costs that would be obvious if it was a secular institution. (marriage prep with a priest, cost of renting a picturesque location, cost of the a/c or heat, etc.)

Best wishes! I hope you are able to find an understanding parish!

Calypso1977

Another question I had, is...can we have a civil ceremony (i.e - sign papers and be 'married'...mostly for health insurance purposes!) and later on once we've saved money to pay the church fees and receptions etc, have the ceremony at the church...I just wouldn't feel married unless it's under the eyes of God, but we'd like to work out our insurance issues sooner rather than later. Does the church allow for this?

no.  just no.

if you truly cant afford the fee, they cant turn you away.  you always have the option to get married during a weekday mass.

honestly, if you cant afford $1200 for a church, should you really be getting married?

caiti2u

For you ladies who had/have to pay a fee, does that include all of your pre-marital requirements? My church is free for parishoners ($500 for non, I believe), though it isn't the prettiest of churches. We then have to pay for Pre-Cana and Engaged Encounter ourselves (NFP not required)

debbiem56

Our $300 covered the use of the church and rehearsal, the priest, the sponsoring couple and coordinators, the meetings with all of them, the FOCCUS Inventory, the paperwork, and the Music Director/organist/cantor.  Boy, they do a lot.

Servers would be extra (we don't have any since it is not a Mass).  As well as additional musicians.  We paid for the Pre-Cana ourselves.

We don't have a separate price for non-parishioners as you must be a parishioner or the child of one.

lalaith50

The fee for my church is $600 (and it's gorgeous,) but we had to pay extra for NFP (about $100) and another class (less than $100 I think,) and we will give a stipend to the priest, and any musicians that we want are extra. Oh and I think we have to pay about $100 for a wedding coordinator to do the rehearsal and be there the day of.

caiti2u

Oh, I didn't mention that we do have to pay for any musicians we plan to have. 

And we will definitely be giving a "donation" to the church after. 

mica178

There was a fee to use the church.  There was a counseling fee for the priest.  There was a fee for the church organist.  We paid separately for the Engaged Encounter.  And we made donations to both EE and to the church (and gave gifts to the priests and donations to their charities too).

Getting married in a church isn't cheap, but in general, the church-associated fees are small in comparison to the costs of the wedding reception.  And they are usually less or comparable to a similar secular facility.

If the church fee is a true hardship, most churches can work something out with you. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_fees-questions-rambling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:f656635a-a837-4db5-a55a-e4b45484f1c5Post:9897d19d-48c0-4e3f-b7a8-3f0684fb27eb">Re: fees? questions? rambling?</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't get married in Boston because I'm relocating to Georgia
Posted by maggiebaggie[/QUOTE]

Just a question...if your family is from Boston, wouldn't it make sense to get married there?

We are both from Ohio and lived in GA when we were planning our wedding. No, it wasn't easy, but we got through it.

Meg1036

We paid $400 to use the church.  We paid another $100 for a communications seminar, and about another $100 for a weekend-long preparation retreat.  We gave the priest a $200 stipend, and paid for all musicians beyond that.

I think the fees being described here are fairly typical and, as Mica said, less expensive by far than most receptions.

[Deleted User]

We were actually charged the non-parishoner fee since we had moved away from the church H went to. I thought that kinda sucked, but there wasn't anything we could do about it. It was $650 to get married in the church plus another $100 cleaning deposit. We had to pay $275 for the EE weekend as well as $150 to the priest which was stated as customary in the wedding planning prep booklet we received. We also had to pay for our own alter servers and cantor. We used a few GM as ushers, so we didn't have to worry about that.

lmeade62

Wow, I am really stunned at the range of costs here. We're in a very small town here in Missouri, but there literally is no charge to use the church since we are parishoners. We will make a donation to the church, then either purchase a gift for our priest or give a donation to the church, depending on what his preference is. Our organist doesnt normally do weddings, but she's doing ours as a favor because I'm a cantor there, so we'll give her a gift as well. I suspect we'll do the same for our church secretary extraordinaire who has been coordinating everything with the priest for us, and for our cantor.

Linda

HandBanana

We paid....

$350 for our the ceremony and rehearsal (this is the contibuting parishoner fee.  there are different fees based on being a parishoner and also being a contibuting parishoner.)
$200 for our organist (we gave her more because she came in an hour early and worked with H's cousin who played violin at our ceremony.)
$295 for our Pre Cana (Discovery Weekend and worth every penny)
$100 for the altar servers/H's cousins

If you can not pay for a church, how can you pay for a wedding?  You do not have to have a large wedding with a reception to get married in the Catholic church.

mica178

Actual fees that I remember:
EE weekend $495
Priest counseling fee $125
Organist fee $150
Church rental fee $275 (we are/were parishioners -- otherwise the cost would be doubled )
Parish hall rental fee $200 (used for the guys to get ready, also for post-ceremony "gap" refreshments)

There were a couple other things too, but I can't remember right now.

Again, it obviously wasn't free, but to find an indoor place that held the same number of people, pay a separate officiant, pay a separate musician, pay a pre-marriage counselor, etc. would be the same if not more outside of the church.

maggiebaggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_fees-questions-rambling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:f656635a-a837-4db5-a55a-e4b45484f1c5Post:42a09166-91f4-49f6-9d2c-84c9d4291839">Re: fees? questions? rambling?</a>:
[QUOTE] no.  just no. if you truly cant afford the fee, they cant turn you away.  you always have the option to get married during a weekday mass. honestly, if you cant afford $1200 for a church, should you really be getting married?
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Wow, that's a pretty horrible thing to say without knowing our situation. </div>

maggiebaggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_fees-questions-rambling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:f656635a-a837-4db5-a55a-e4b45484f1c5Post:4338c4a6-62b5-41d0-adb0-1bb36b105271">Re: fees? questions? rambling?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: fees? questions? rambling? : Just a question...if your family is from Boston, wouldn't it make sense to get married there? We are both from Ohio and lived in GA when we were planning our wedding. No, it wasn't easy, but we got through it.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>no, my family is from GA, and a good bit of his is as well (but none of them are catholic and associated with a church, unfortunately). -- we just happened to have lived in Boston for a while</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_fees-questions-rambling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:f656635a-a837-4db5-a55a-e4b45484f1c5Post:73e91854-aaa4-49fb-9285-21489f4abebf">Re: fees? questions? rambling?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: fees? questions? rambling? : no, my family is from GA, and a good bit of his is as well (but none of them are catholic and associated with a church, unfortunately). -- we just happened to have lived in Boston for a while
Posted by maggiebaggie[/QUOTE]

IMHO, I would try to get married where you currently live. I know you guys will be doing the long distance thing for a while. But honestly, I think in most relationships the girl ends up doing most of the planning and coordinating of the wedding. If you have family remotely close to where you will be living, then I would check into churches in that area.

You might be able to register at a church where you live now. Most places require you to be registered about 6 months before your wedding, that is, assuming you still have at least 6 months to go.

Just pray about it and I am sure you will figure out what is best for you both. And definitely check into all of your options like what you mentioned in your original post.