I need some advice...

Angela Leeder

I am catholic and have had a very strong connection to this faith since I was little.  My entire family and everyone on my side of the invite list is catholic as well.  My FI is not religious.  He was baptized catholic, but does not believe in the faith, and none of his family or friends are catholic.  When my mom and sisters sat down and started talking about the wedding and the ceremony I told them that I was leaning against having communion because I did not want to discriminate anyone.  They lost it and started yelling at me about how I would be discriminating them and that I might as well not even be getting married in a church.

It was very hurtful and I am just trying to figure out what to do.  My FI told me he is ok if I choose to have the communion, but I feel like it would be awkward for just one of us to receive communion and only half our guests.  I need some advice.

agapecarrie

Sometimes people misunderstand the fact that even though a there isn't a mass, it is still fully valid in the Church.... so possibly their reaction is from a misunderstanding. Obviously, even without a mass, the marriage in the church is valid.

So the first step is to make sure there are no misunderstandings about that.

Another way to think about this is the fact that if you do have a mass, it is not "discriminating", but offering infinite grace, and the highest prayer for your marriage. It is meant to be evangelistic, and it assists in that longing for unity and communion among people who cannot receive.

Angela Leeder

Trust me there are no misunderstandings.  My entire family is very catholic so if it is not a traditional mass it is not catholic to them.  In fact when my dad found out the only thin he said to me was "thankfully your grandmother is not alive to witness this."

Needless to say things are tense with my family when talking about the wedding.

agapecarrie

I know many traditional folks who don't understand it...because they've never experienced a mixed marriage before, so they've never seen a wedding without a mass.

If they think its not Catholic, then they most definitely do have a misunderstanding.

Riss91

Agape is right. Your marriage will be no more or less valid if you have communion or not. I think many people who are considered "very" Catholic, or "traditional" Catholic are given that title because they voice strong opinions on certain topics. But, unfortunately many of them do not have all the rules straight. Perhaps you could ask your priest to speak to them? Maybe coming from him, it will seem more acceptable for you to have a ceremony outside of mass?

If not, since your husband was baptised Catholic, you COULD do a mass. I don't think it's considered discrimination to have a part of your ceremony be specific to those who follow the religion. Plenty of religions have aspects of their wedding (and other) ceremonies that not everyone witnessing can actively partake in. Your guests have all likely been to something like that and really have no reason to feel slighted.

lisa89760

My mom started crying when I said that my FI and I didn't know if we wanted to have communion...so I understand where you are coming from.  we are both catholic so we decided to have communion.

As hard as it is, I think you should explain to your family that it still is a valid marriage without the communion and that you don't want to discriminate your FI's family.  Getting married in a church without communion is a good compromise between both your beliefs.

mica178

Give them time to cool off.  Maybe ask your priest to talk with them about it.  Your marriage will still be valid in the eyes of the church if you do not have a Mass with communion as part of the ceremony.

lmeade62

Bless your heart...that's quite a dilemma, lots of emotions involved there, for everyone. Prayers that everything works out...

Linda

ootmother2

I've found that some brides opt for the ceremony and skip communion because they don't want their guests to feel left out if they are not Catholic or not practicing Catholics.  You fall into this catagory.

If half of your guest and your FI aren't going to receive communion, try to explain to your parents that not having communion doesn't make the wedding ceremony invalid in any way, shape or form.  Also, if your FI is really opposed to it, that is more than enough good reasonn to skip it. 

Probably 85%+ of our guest we Catholic so this didn't come up fortunately.

Good luck to you with whatever you decide to do!

melevebald

I think it's your wedding, and it means that much to you to not have communion, then go with that route.  But think about whether it's worth it to cause such drama.  I found a lot of wedding planning is to determine what means enough to you that you'll ruffle a few feathers by making that decision and what is sometimes just easier to compromise or even give in on. 

clearheavens

Prayers coming to you in this frustrating time.  I know you and your family will work it out peacefully.

Angela Leeder

Thanks everyone!  This has just been such an emotional issue it is nice to have some support!

MuddyInsignia

Angela, our Priest is actually the one discouraging us from having communion at our service (less than half the guests could receive). We were adamant about having it at first, but we are gradually considering not to do so on the recommendations of the Priest. Maybe you could present it like that to your family: that you are trying to listen to the concerns of the Priest vs. the concerns of your family. I don't think they would have a problem with that, would they?

Best of luck!

laurenes

I think clearheavens has the right idea. You will find during wedding planning that things you never thought would be points of contention w/ your loved ones become huge issues (i.e. my mother freaking out over bridesmaid dresses - I wanted everyone in different purple dresses, and when I brought this up, she almost lost her mind because she wanted them all in the same dress - obviously, these are not her friends and she's not a BM so why is this her problem... you get the point). You mentioned your FI is ok if you have a communion - it's obviously your personal choice, but if he doesn't mind, I would just have the communion to keep the peace. We're having communion even though many of our friends are either not catholic or non longer practicing.

Regardless of religion, whenever a couple gets married one often has a tradition that the other family's doesn't, but the the other family incorporates (or at least respects) the tradition. Chances are you inlaws have been to a wedding before that had customs such as communion that they couldn't participate in, and still had a good time.

If you are still feeling very uncomfortable about this - which I imagine you are, or you wouldn't have posted here - I would enlist the help of your family's priest. I would have a talk with him and explain how, given the mixed faith service, you would prefer to not have communion at your wedding, explain your family's reaction to your preferance, and see if he can talk to them for you about how this is still a traditional Catholic ceremony and just as valid as a mass. Maybe talking to your priest will help your family respect your decision.

Good luck!