To lighten my mood a bit - a poll

SoHappyToBeMrsC

As you know, I've been married before. When I left my husband, it was a terrible, abusive situation that easily could have turned violent. So when I left, I just left. I took my clothes, my books, a few personal items, and that's it. There was absolutely no way I was going to prolong the situation by fighting over china or curtains. Those things can be replaced, and if it meant I was that much closer to having him out of my life, it was totally worth it to leave them behind, even though much of what was in the house was "mine". So I have since moved on and purchased my own home, but I am lacking some essentials, as well as some nicer things like cooking ware (I love to cook!) that would make my life easier and more fun. I guess I just assumed we would register for wedding gifts when the time comes, but I have gotten mixed reactions, some say that's tacky. Others say that it's completely fine, people will want to get you a wedding gift and it's better to have a selection from them to choose from. What say you?

doctabroccoli

When you say you've gotten mixed reactions, was that because this will be your second wedding?  Or just registering in general?

ETA:  Oh, wait, your poll didn't pop up the first time.  I don't know if I'd go all out with large registries, but some people will want to buy you a gift.  I'd say to at least make a small one with the things you want/need the most.

SoHappyToBeMrsC

Because of the second wedding. Apparently having a registry, decent gown, a veil, guests, or anything "wedding-y" for a second wedding offends some people. I guess I should wear a black dress with a scarlet "S' on the front for slut, LOL.

doctabroccoli

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_lighten-mood-bit-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:ff995813-4180-44b6-b763-667090bf4ea9Post:193b98f1-e515-4d1a-8696-d84269632fea">Re: To lighten my mood a bit - a poll</a>:
[QUOTE]Because of the second wedding. Apparently having a registry, decent gown, a veil, guests, or anything "wedding-y" for a second wedding offends some people. I guess I should wear a black dress with a scarlet "S' on the front for slut, LOL.
Posted by SoHappyToBeMrsC[/QUOTE]

Second (or more) weddings are definitely a point of contention in terms of etiquette.  That's one of those situations where you can't please everyone.  I changed my answer up above after I actually saw the poll.

audreyjem

I think you should register so that guests who want to purchase a gift have the option. I think it should be up to them whether they want to purchase a gift since its a second wedding, but they should be able to look somewhere for guidance if they chose to do so!

Meg1036

That's a tough one.  I would probably do a registry in your situation, but make sure that it didn't contain anything extravagant.  If what you really miss is cookware, I might even theme it very heavily toward that.

To really answer the question, though, I would need to know more about the wedding itself.  If you're inviting 200 people and having all the bells and whistles, it would seem that you should have a registry that matches the wedding and your guest list.   If you're having a small wedding, you would have a small registry to match.  I guess I'm saying that you already sort of made the decision about whether or not a registry is appropriate by deciding whether or not a big wedding is appropriate.

[Deleted User]

Like docta said, registering for second weddings is something that is sometimes frowned upon around here on TK.

That being said, given your previous situation, I think it would be fine to register for household & kitchen things you need. If people don't want to buy off of the registry, they don't have to. And you will likely get a lot of cash/checks as well.

lisa89760

I think the issue with second weddings is when there is another shower and another engagement party.  So I don't think the registry is tacky but I wouldn't allow anyone to throw me another shower or engagement party.  In my opinion you get one shot at all that stuff.

aimers1525

This will be the 2nd wedding for my FI, but my first (he was not married in the Catholic Church the first time, so glad we didn't have to jump over too many hoops there), and no one has said anything to us about showers/registries, etc. My parents threw us an engagement party with just our families, and FMIL and FI's grandma threw us a shower. Do people have a different perception on if it's the bride's second wedding vs. the groom's?

ootmother2

You're getting married and I don't care if it's the first or the fifth time, I would absolutely give you a gift.

That old idea of white only being for first time brides is quite dated.  I'd probably skip the veil though or have a smallish one. (I'm not a veil fan anyhow)

I gave a good friend of mine a bridal shower when she got married for the second time.  I saw no reason not to, honestly.

Leave the past in the past and enjoy your new FI and your wedding.

Calypso1977

i think its ok to register since folks will want to give gifts regardless of what # wedding it is, particularly if it is your FI's first wedding (i cant remember if it is).

i personally would not wear white or have a shower or do anything over the top in terms of a super size WP, etc.  but other than the white dress, i didnt do those things for my first wedding either as its just isnt my taste/style.

to each his own tho, i wouldnt be offended in anyway if someone chose to do that for their second wedding, again, especially if it was the first wedding for the other person and tehy didnt get to experience those things.

bibliophile2010

I think that, all things considered, having a non-extravagent registry of things that you really want/need is totally acceptable. I would make sure that you keep it on a very word-of-mouth basis, especially if you are getting negative feedback from particular people in your life (e.g. if Aunt Mildred thinks its tacky, make sure that Mom doesn't tell her).

Hope61

I say go for a medium-smallish registry. I don't see a problem with it at all. Don't shout it from the rooftops and you'll be fine--if people want to give a gift, they'll ask where you're registered. If they don't, maybe they won't even know you're registered.

lmeade62

It's our second marriage, and we're both "mature," LOL (he's 53 and I'll be 49 when we get married). We're going whole hog though small - wedding gown, reception, and a smallish registry because between the two of us we have most things but need some better ones - towels, bedding, knives, dishes, etc.

Go for it!

lmeade62

PS, I guess I should add this is my second marriage (well, really my first since the Church has agreed that my first one wasn't valid) but my first WEDDING. So as far as I'm concerned...LOL...

SoHappyToBeMrsC

Thanks everyone for your comments. To provide a bit of clarity;
-I will not wear white, I will wear either ivory, light gold or champagne.
-I will probably wear a veil, maybe a mantilla? I would like to be able to pass it down to my daughter. The ultimate decision on headpiece would be dictated by my gown.
-I am unsure of the guest list, but considering my fiance has a HUGE family (his dad is one of 10 kids, so imagine the aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) I imagine it will be a larger list. FTR, my preference is for a small wedding, but I also don't want to cause hurt feelings in his family.
-I would never ever shout from the rooftops about a registry, I would only volunteer it if someone asked me. No registry information with the wedding invite, that is the tackiest thing ever. ::shudder::
-The registry would just be household items, like cookware, sheets, towels, etc. Nothing extravagant.
-I don't think we will have an engagement party, at least, we are not planning on throwing one for ourselves. If some of our friends surprised us with one, of course we would be gracious about it.
-I would never ask for a shower, but knowing my girlfriends, they would absolutely throw me one and would not hear one word about it being inappropriate. They might tone it down a bit if I said it was uncomfortable, but they would definitely want an afternoon to celebrate with me. Many of them were there for me after I left my first husband and know what an awful time I went through, so that makes this love and this marriage all the more special and reason to celebrate.

Thanks for the comments and feedback.

ootmother2

sounds to me like you have great friends who have been there for you, you sound as though you do deserve them.

GL

SoHappyToBeMrsC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_lighten-mood-bit-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:ff995813-4180-44b6-b763-667090bf4ea9Post:991fd320-17df-41ec-89f0-1cdcff339852">Re: To lighten my mood a bit - a poll</a>:
[QUOTE]sounds to me like you have great friends who have been there for you, you sound as though you do deserve them. GL
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]


Thank you, you are too sweet. :)

linzluvsgzuss

You're getting married and inviting people to celebrate and share in your joy. Even if it's your second wedding, I would think that people would want to celebrate with a gift and give you things you need so that the two of you can start your married life together with the things that help us make our houses function. FWIW, try not to let other people make you feel bad - this is a JOYOUS transition in your life that you are preparing for, and sometimes people don't know how to share in that joy, only how to steal it - don't let them. Good luck!

newlyseliski

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_lighten-mood-bit-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:ff995813-4180-44b6-b763-667090bf4ea9Post:26cb7e61-ce0f-43c3-b006-17fcabfb3f62">Re: To lighten my mood a bit - a poll</a>:
[QUOTE]That's a tough one.  I would probably do a registry in your situation, but make sure that it didn't contain anything extravagant.  If what you really miss is cookware, I might even theme it very heavily toward that.
Posted by Meg1036[/QUOTE]

This.  I think it would be good to constrain things a bit and not register for too many things, but considering your situation... I still think it would be ok to have a registry.  Perhaps just register at one place and for a very focused variety of items?  If people don't understand where you're coming from, they may still be a bit miffed about it... but no wedding is free of drama, usually :)

mica178

I think it's fine to have a registry for your marriage. If I were attending your wedding, I would bring a gift, and it's better for both of us if I know what things you really want and need to start your married life.

gwendolynclare

I put special snowflake because while I wouldnt normally say green light for second marriage registries, yours is a special snowflake situation.