MOH issues!

USFMichele

So  I have been engaged since Oct 2009.  My wedding is coming up in Nov and I have pretty much have done every single thing for my wedding alone.  I had ask her her help awhile back when I was planning the big things and she was always busy with other things. It got to the point where I called her and kinda gave her an out for being my MOH.  I asked if she really wanted to do it.  I know she is busy with work and being a mom and she was in 3 other weddings this year alone, but I needed help.  She told me that she did want to do it but she felt that the other weddings were more inportant at that time since they came before mine. But that was when I was planning and I didn't think I should have to put my planning on hold because of her.  So I ended up doing it all alone. 

So now the date is getting closer and I still have things to get finished. Nothing major but a bunch of small things and she knows I have been stressing over it and I still don't get help. 

I'm not sure what to do...  I don't have but 2 girl friends sadly and they are both in the wedding. One lives up north and has helped when she could when she was here a little.  I'm just stressed about it and wonder if this is common and what others have done about it.  

Any help, advise, or kind words would be greatful! 

Mrslamorte

First off im soooo sorry u arent getting the help u need but maybe u should talk to her again and set up a schedule when u both are free! and make sure she sticks to it! i wouldnt give her attitude becuz it will only make the realtionship and situation worse between u 2 so i would call her and meet for lunch and ask her what days she can help u get done what u need! HTH!

chescam

I'm doing everything by myself with a little help from FI. I have 4 BM; two are out of state and one that lives in state travels quite frequently. The other in state BM helped me assemble invites the other night and that's pretty much all my BMs have had to do besides ordering their dresses by a deadline. What stuff do you want them to do? Do you have a wedding planner that can help you out. 

I've never been a bridesmaid so I don't know what I should ask them to do but so far the 2 in state girls have told me that I need to delegate. I've thought about it but I'm getting by just fine. Seems like your BM is busy but she's not obligated to help. It would be nice but I would wait until she offers.

USFMichele

I have called her and texted and facebooked but she kinda ignores me. 

And when she does get around to answering me she tells me she was busy.  She got married in 2007 and I helped her as much as I could with a 1 year old (she has a 1 year old now).  There are tons of things I would have liked help with. and no, I'm not using a wedding planner.  Every wedding I have been in I have helped out with things here and there.  Whatever they needed help with. 

Finding vendors, picking out things, making things etc... 

I feel very overwhlemed. I just moved into our new house a month ago and she said she'd come over to help me move and paint.  She never did that either even though I helped her when she moved. Its just upsetting since I know she totally loves planning events and parties and she even talked about becoming a wedding planner and the other weddings she has been in this year she helped out with... but not mine.

tampabayRN

Ok...I know this might be a popular answer but it's how I feel.  It is you and your fiance's wedding, therefore you both should be the ones putting in the majority of the work.  And if your MOH of bridesmaids can help with anything in between and small tasks then that is just icing on the cake, but it shouldn't be expected.  I watch a lot of these bridal shows on TV where the bride demands and delegatesuntil there is no end.   I have been in someones wedding where the bride referred to us as her slaves and kept telling us that we should feel honored to be in her wedding, which is totally unacceptable and just demeaning.  Bottom line, it's your wedding, you put in the work and what extra help you get along the way is a bonus.

USFMichele

I think thats crazy! Every single site you go to says the duties of a MOH is kinda to be the right hand man (woman) of the bride. 

http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx

http://www.bridesmaid101.com/maid_of_honor_duties.html

http://www.realsimple.com/holidays-entertaining/weddings/planning/maid-honor-checklist-00000000000204/index.html

 (along with about 50 other sites when you google it)

By saying yes, to being a MOH you are saying you will be a helper to the bride.  I understand its my wedding and most of the things I should do on my own. and I would NEVER say anyone is "my slave" because that girl is a total b*tch and I would never be in a wedding that I was treated that way let alone be friends with someone like that.  

I feel like friends should want to help another friend out when they see them stressing and stuggling with things. AND I feel like since I helped her with her wedding whenever she wanted me to... she should return the favor. 

teachermegs

I understand that you are stressed, but MOH are there to support you at your wedding. They are not workers you hired.


Oh and please no name calling.

Mrslamorte

i have to disagree! They are suppose to help! Thats like askin someone to be ur childs God parent and then they never come around to see or nurture or do anything with or for the child! MOH is not a pretty name, its a duty in a persons wedding! I asked each of my ladies if they could help with cetain things and they agree so I would be pissed if they didnt but the fact does still remain its ur day so if u dont get help oh well you gotta get it done alone! and yes i do think that u should re evaluate ur friendship becuz NO friend would not help her friend during a time of stress and worry! and not return ur calls or text???? Foolishness

I have ppl who i didnt ask to be apart of my day that are close to me and they help me out every time i call! Thats just what good friends do!!!!

jc04100657

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_florida-west-coast_moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:62Discussion:72c0d907-70ed-42ef-8b67-dff1f1d22371Post:82992bd0-0310-4c2a-91c1-2138afac18c0">Re: MOH issues!</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand that you are stressed, but MOH are there to support you at your wedding. They are not workers you hired. Oh and please no name calling.
Posted by teachermegs[/QUOTE]

This exactly. They are there to support you at your wedding. There are no "duties" for the bridal party. As pp said if they offer to help it is icing on the cake.

tampabayRN

I have a very busy schedule with working full time and going to school full time that I understand that others have obligations of their own to take care of.  I am fortunate enough to have a few good friends that I know would be willing to help me out with wedding process if I asked them and some have even volunteered.  I also think the same way teachermegs does that a MOH or bridal party is there for support, not a hired worker.  I know the planning process can be very stressful for everyone but you have to remember that being part of the bridal party, while an honor, can also be stressful both financially and very time consuming.  When choosnig my bridal party I was thinking of who do I want to stand by my side to share the happiest day of my life with, not who is going to do my "duties" for me.  Something to consider.

bananafanafofashley

I have 4 BMs and no one is helping me. It's really not their job to help you with wedding planning. Perhaps you thought your friendship was something more than she sees it and that's why you're upset? That could be the only logical reason.. either way I have been in 2 weddings and I wasn't asked to help with anything for either of them when it came to planning. Showers are different, but it is up to the maids to decide if they are doing a shower or not.

I know it's not really the response you were looking for, but we are here to help you with what we can, and in this case it's understanding the duties of your bridal party.

Some girls demand a lot from their bridal party, and I have to be honest if something as ridiculous as some of the things I've heard girls ask their maids was asked of me I'd not only drop out, but I'd elbow drop them too. Just saying.. You don't want to be THAT bride, do you?

My wedding is in November too. I know it feels like a crunch, but we have plenty of time. No worries! Baby steps to the altar!

KatieC82

I think when someone you've been there for many times says they're going to help you and they don't it hurts. It is time to have a heart to heart with her and let her know you felt let down about her not helping you move or plan the wedding.

I think a BM should be a supportive ear and a shoulder to cry on during wedding planning if nothing else (until the day of) and perhaps that's the big issue. That she isn't even answering your calls and providing moral support.

3 weddings in one year? Wow. It reminds me of 27 Dresses!

USFMichele

Thank you Katie for understanding... "I think when someone you've been there for many times says they're going to help you and they don't it hurts."

Thats what I am saying. And whats the point of having a wedding party at all if its not for them to help you through this time and be with you.  I don't need a bunch of girl standing up there with me to look pretty. 

look up anywhere bridesmaid duties and it will say it there. You guys are making me feel like I'm crazy for thinking they should help me out a little.  I'm not asking for help with everything... but making favors, programs or help me find shoes... things like that. I know they aren't going to help me with every single detail. I get that.  I have helped in every wedding I have ever been in. I just would have liked the same in return. 

I'm in a wedding in Aug and the bride lives up north.  I have been helping her from Tampa with whatever I am. I helped her find favors and with picking out flowers.  I helped with food and color ideas, and decor ideas. I didn't think it was a big deal. 

I'm almost finished for my Nov wedding, so it really doesn't matter anymore anyway.  I was really just wanting to vent to someone other than my FI.

Mrslamorte

I feel ya sweets and i cant imagine how i would feel! I agree, a bride can look good by herself..... and who doesnt want to help a friend plan their wedding esp. when she helped u! Its sad and I hope she understands that one day! And ur not crazy, I havent demanded anything from my ladies but i did give them a calender of what i will be doing and when i will be doing it and I told them, If u cant help me with the things i have written down  or cant afford it let me know... no hard feeling but dont accept and then hurt my feelings or just blow it off cuz that will cause a problem! and one of my friends said No i cant do it and my sister said I dont wanna be ur MOH becuz i have 2 kids and wont have free time for those things! I wasnt mad i found someone else just as close who wanted to accept the honor and we are all getting along great (those in and not in the wedding)

teachermegs

I am sorry, but your wedding party isn't there to make you look pretty or to help with things. They are there to stand up at your wedding to support you and your FI. I have been in two weddings and both were out of state to me. Neither bride was upset that I couldn't help them. They never asked. My MOH was out of state and I only asked her to be here for me and paid her way here.

Where did you find MOH duties?

Mrslamorte

Megs that out of state... totally different story she ia talking about a friend that she did over and beyond for and she just wants help with a few wrap up things. No one is sayin that ur MOH needs to quit their day job and wait on u hand and foot but if a bride needs help with small thing i believe u should be able to go to ur MOH or BM! and she gave some websites a couple post up.... but if u google it its everywhere!

teachermegs

If your friends want to help they will. You shouldn't expect it from them.
I did see those posts and both from sites that are wedding industry sites.
This might be useful: http://books.google.com/books?id=7M_vteNCJQMC&printsec=frontcover&dq=wedding+emily+post&hl=en&ei=xOEHTvKZC6Ty0gHO54jkCw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CD8Q6AEwAA#v=snippet&q=maid%20of%20honor%20duties&f=false

bananafanafofashley

yeah.. life's big dilemmas should probably not be solved in a google search.

USFMichele

Site says, "Help address invites and placecards"  under MOH

and under Attendants list the "basic" duties which mean that it includes but not limiting to the following, "Assist bride and groom" 

The one site I listed was an artical from realsimple.com Not a wedding site.  and I thought we were supposed to be reading stuff off The Knot? which is why I listed that one.  I just posted the 1st 3 of the google search to give an example. 

I'm not asking the world here... I'm asking for a little help with a few things, like listed above. I don't except my out of town bridesmaids to fly back and forth to help me with invites, or whatever.  Out of town bridal party is totally different and a whole other topic. 

and Thank you Jennifer for not thinking I'm crazy. lol 

But like I said before I was venting.  The post has turned into something way different.  Wedding planning should be fun and hair pulling stressful. 

planetkari

I agree with Megs that your BM and MOH should not be expected to do work or have assigned duties for your wedding. They are there to support you, sure, but helping you find shoes or addressing your invitations isn't an honor. If they want to help, that's great, but you shouldn't be upset with her for not wanting to help with your wedding tasks. I had a local MOH and 2 local BM and I didn't EXPECT them to help me with anything. One of them offered to help me with a few DIY projects because she loves crafts, so we spent one afternoon working on a few things, but that was it. I did everything else on my own. You just have to make sure you don't bite off more than you can chew. I feel for you that your MOH isn't better about communicating with you. That does suck because she should be responsive to your calls and messages if she's your MOH. Just don't feel too bad about her not wanting to help with things. My mom said it best--no one cares as much about your wedding as you do, so just be glad for the help when you can get it and be happy that your friends will be by your side supporting you on your wedding day.

USFMichele

Thanks Kari... that made me feel better.