New York

Good morning, ladies! (FYI: this post contains a novel)

Hey everybody, I hope everyone is doing good! I've been lurking around a little bit since I left, simply because I miss posting, and after kp said she missed me in the WUW thread I got a lil teary-eyed and thought I'd stop in and give an update/better explanation.

I've wanted to come post a little bit more about the whole story since I left, but I've been avoiding putting the entire story down because it made me sad to have to re-live it while writing it. But I just have so much to process in my head and in my heart that I figured at this point, it can't hurt. Besides, my emotion switch is officially in the OFF position until noon on Friday, when my last exam for the semester ends. After that, I'm sure the cry-fest will commence.

Anyway, the problems kind of began when we got engaged. He wouldn't set a date with me, kept saying "We'll see. We'll see how things go." He wouldn't tell his mom that we were engaged, his reasons being 1. she was very adamant about him being completely done with school before ever even thinking about getting married and 2. his parents were getting divorced and since she's actually his step-mom, he wasn't sure if she would even be at the wedding/invited due to the divorce. To that I say:

1. You're an adult, making an adult decision to get married. My father once told me if I ever dated a black guy he would break their legs off, and I made my ADULT decision to marry a black guy and I stood by that decision to my father regardless of what he had to say about it, and guess what? He is supportive and happy for me and he likes Lucas. So Lucas should have told his mother and stood up for his decision in the face of her demand about his life schedule.
2. How absolutely freaking terrible to not invite the woman who raised you, when you were another woman's child that your father had an affair with,  woman you haven't even seen in 15 years. That's just AWFUL.

I also may have mentioned... I never got a proposal. I I KNOW that I have misrepresented our "moment of engagement" to everyone because it made me feel silly to not have a story when people asked "How did he do it?!" Truth is, he didn't. We went into Zales at the Waterloo Outlet to look at watches for him, and when I was browsing rings, the sales lady said she had a size 4 ring that a woman returned so I should try it on because my fingers are so tiny. It fit like a glove, I liked it just fine but didn't LOVE it, but Lucas figured we were in the right place at the right time, and the ring fit already and it was affordable because we were at the outlet so hey let's get it. When we got home that night I asked him, are you sure this is what you want and he replied "Yes, the life I live with you is the life I always pictured myself having"...... as he was looking at the tv. It just started off... not right.

Since July, August-ish, I've been telling him that I feel like he doesn't want me anymore, that he's not in love with me. Everytime I've expressed these concerns, he has always responded with "You're right, I need to work on expressing it more, because I do love you." That always struck me as odd... why should the man that's marrying me have to WORK ON expressing his love? Shouldn't love for the person you want to marry be effortless?

Another point of contention was my physical insecurities. Now, just a tiny bit of back story, I've always been very insecure about the way I look. Because I have such a racially ambiguous look, I used to get called names like "chinky" (not a spec of Asian in my blood) and other things associated with the Middle East/India (again, not anywhere in my heritage). I have horrible under-eye circles, and then there's the nose.... the big, honkin', severely-deviated Italian nose. This one earned me a TON of teasing and bullying in middle school/junior high and even into high school (my 10th grade boyfriend told me that I looked like Dobby the house elf from Harry Potter..... *headdesk x2*). Lucas would always assure me that I looked fine, nothing was wrong with the way I looked, etc... but that was where it stopped. The man has not told me that I am beautiful since March 2010. I remember specifically because I was in the bathroom in just a tank top and my underwear, and he was just exiting the shower when he said "Wow, you're so tiny and beautiful." Of course, because I was in training for Miss Greater Rochester at the time, all I heard was "you're so tiny" and it made me feel so good to hear that, and certainly the beautiful part added to that. Since then, nada.

I've also recently lost a ton of weight, I think from the stress of law school + working out like a beast + what I'm self-diagnosing as a mild onset of depression that left me with a completely lack of appetite. Right before Thanksgiving, I actually went three full days without eating and didn't even think anything of it. I joke all the time, "it's the law school diet; you're so busy you just forget to eat!" Truth is, I'm just not hungry. I'm stressed when I'm at school all day, and come home to "so when are you going to make dinner?" Remember when I said I only had a few more pounds to go until I reached my competition weight? My ideal competition weight is 110 (I'm 5'2", 5'3"). I  most recently weighed in at 103. Truth is, I've never felt happier about my body (well, I DO miss my boobs. They've gone down a cup size) but to him, it's "I liked you better when you had a little more to grab onto." When I got super-dressed up for a party one day and I asked him how I looked, he said "You're a little overdressed, it's just the frat house." I just can't win :(

And I won't go in-depth about the sex, because I know that can get into TMI territory, but let's just say I don't feel very valued in that area of our life either. I try to tell him, "you should listen to this Trey Songz song, it totally gets me in the mood," and he tells me "I can't take him seriously. Because music doesn't do it for me." Um, do I need to write it down on a sign for you? I am TRYING to tell you how to please me and turn me on, but you're making it all about you. No foreplay, ever. When I try to suggest a position, or even if I go put music on, he *LITERALLY* rolls his eyes and siiiiiiiighs. Oh, but when he has a request, sex will not proceed until I do it or he'll just keep asking and annoying me until I do it.

I would love to have this man in my life forever. I would love to raise a family with him. He is my best friend, he's an incredible companion and living with him is considerably easier than it could be. But I don't need a good roommate. I don't need a sperm donor. I need a SPOUSE. I need a man who is attracted to me, who wants me sexually, who makes me feel good about myself. My friends think that it's because I'm the only girl he's ever been with. He had a high school girlfriend for 6 months, and then he met me in college. I was also his first. They say he has nothing crappy to compare his experience with me to, and that's why he doesn't appreciate what he has with me. When I told him this last week, he said "Soooo what I'm hearing is 'hall pass'"..... I could have slapped him. He was obviously joking but what a gross thing to say. I told him no, we're broken up. YOU told me it was time to move on and that's that.

Since Friday, he has been telling me that he is going to fight for me and do whatever he has to do to show me that I'm the one he wants and that he loves me, but I'm just afraid that it's not going to happen. We've been together for 3 years, I'm not changing at this point so what is going to happen now that was supposed to already be? I want the feeling of being in love mutually. I need that in order to walk down the aisle. The more time went on, the more anxious I felt about getting married to him. I'm ready to settle down, but I'm not ready to settle. I will give up my dream wedding date and my dream of getting married & having a family by a certain age if it means marrying the right person.

I'm sorry this was so long, and I'm sorry this was kind of a Lucas bash-fest. I don't mean to speak so badly of him behind his back (not that I haven't already said every single thing in this post to him over the past couple weeks), because I KNOW that he is an incredible person. I just... needed to get it all out. I just don't think I can do it anymore. Horrible as it sounds, I think I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to find happiness with someone, because I've been ready for it since he stopped expressing his love for me. When I met Lucas, I was in a relationship of nearly a year that was more like a relationSHIT. I fell for Lucas, hard and fast, and I told him it was because my heart had always been open and ready for love but my current bf wasn't giving me that.... and I'm afraid that I'm back in that place. Lucas and I really were perfect together, and as a couple of people together in a union, we still are. I just don't feel like he's in love and I need that.

Thanks for listening, everyone :)

Re: Good morning, ladies! (FYI: this post contains a novel)

  • edited December 2011
    ((big huge hugs)) my friend.

    I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through.

    I know nothing I say can take away the pain you are feeling right now, but believe me, someday you will smile again.  You will find him (or he will find you).

    You deserve to be loved and appreciated for who you are and all that you have to offer.  You ARE beautiful- and you deserve to be told that from someone who truly means it.  You are an incredibly intelligent, driven woman and you deserve a man who suports your ambitions (by doing simple things like cooking dinner for you when you are at school, as opposed to asking what's for dinner).  You deserve someone who not only loves you, but who is so absolutely madly in love with you that they can't help but express it.

    I think you said it best with "I'm ready to settle down, but I'm not ready to settle."  Never settle.

    If ending things with him and moving on adds a few years to your life plan and pushes back marriage and family for a little while- that pales in comparison to a lifetime of unhappiness.  These feelings you have right now will not change or get any better in the future.  Men (or women for that matter) do not change when they say "I do"- the man he is today would be the man you marry... and I don't think you want that.

    Dhort story- Luas sounds very much like my father.  I love him dearly, but he is not exactly forthcoming with feelings and kind words, etc.  My mother knew this and second guessed marrying him before the wedding, but was young and told things would get better, etc... so she went through with it.  Things never changed, but being a super devout Catholic raising two small kids, she just sucked it up.  On rare occasions, she tried to tell him what she was missing and what she needed, but he didn't get it... so for the most part she buried her desire to be loved and wanted and cherished.... for 25 years.  After my little brother moved out of the house, she finally walked away.  Now, in her 50s, after 25 wasted years of marriage, she is searching for her happiness.  It's never too late...

    But at the same time, if you forsee a problem like this, don't put yourself through the pain.  There are waaaay too many awesome people in this world to spend time with someone who doesn't make you happy and doesn't make you feel cherished, loved, respected.

    I know this is going to sound harsh, but Lucas is not it.  He is not your Prince Charming and I think you know that.  Every moment you spend trying to make things work with him- or even mourning the loss of that relationship- is a moment you could have spent finding the man of your dreams.  Life is too short to spend another moment wasting your time with someone who does not deserve you.

    Lots of love, hun.  I'll always be here if you need me.
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  • kks4471kks4471 member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Lorna, I don't see this post as you bashing Lucas.  I see it as you realizing why he's not the one for you, and you handling your emotions incredibly well.  You really do deserve the best, and there is someone out there who will show you how much he loves you.  Don't feel rushed, and some day you will find a true Prince Charming for yourself... or he'll find you :)
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  • edited December 2011
    First of all, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this.  I read your story and agree that you're making the right decision and you deserve to be appreciated. You're a great person and so so pretty. I can't imagine why you have so many hang-ups about your appearance. It sounds like you've done all you could to work on this relationship, but it's just not meant to be. At some point you have to realize that he's not going to change whether because he doesn't want to or isn't able to. Stay strong hun!
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  • edited December 2011
    First off, like everyone has said, I am so so sorry that you have had to go through such a heart-wrenching experience. I can relate to what you're going through, and although it might take time, there will be a time in your future where it will all make sense.

    When I was 23 (and I don't know how old you are), I was in grad school and met the man of my dreams. He was perfect, and although we lived in different states, it was perfect. He flew me to his city every weekend, we got engaged and life was good. I was planning on moving to his state right after graduation. I was 24. Everything you described happened to me. He ended up breaking up with me for all those reasons, and I was heartbroken. I gained so much weight, and went ino depression.

    It took over five years to come to terms with what happened. I moved, changed jobs and just tried to move on. It wasn't until the summer of 2009 when I had an amazing opportunity to go live in the mountains and work without internet, tv, etc. I came to accept what happened and live with myself again. And that's when I finally felt like a new and improved person, and my life took off from there. I met my now FI and it's been because of him that I truly understand what I'm definitely not missing.

    My advice to you would be to hang in there. Take your time to let it all process and take care of yourself. Everything happens for a reason, and I believe we all need to hit a low at some point to really appreciate the high's.

    Thank you for taking the time to share what's been going on. It was so good to hear from you! Best of luck during finals!

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  • raes19raes19 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011

    So sorry all this is happening Lorna. You are totally right in wanting to move on, you shouldn't stay with someone if they aren't putting as much effort into the relationship as you are. You deserve someone that can appreciate you and give you what you need emotionally and physically. Take some time to focus on yourself and being happy, and someday you will find someone that deserves to share in that happiness with you. Sending lots of hugs and good vibes your way.

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  • MelissaC315MelissaC315 member
    edited December 2011

    I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been going through hun :( I know it has got to be weighing so heavily on your mind. I think you're being incredibly mature and smart to realize this (<em>quote below- at the bottom</em>). Turning off the heart and going with your head is not easy but I think it sounds like you've realized that realistically it's just not going to work and you deserve more. And you do deserve so much more; someone who is going to tell you and show you how much he loves you (emotionally, physically, etc.). And he is out there. Someday when you guys meet you're going to be so glad that this happened (probably doesn't seem that way now but you will be <img src="" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />). I didn't see it as Lucas bashing at all; it sounded to me like you have been processing it and have realized why it didn't work out and what needs of yours weren't met, which is such a healthy thing to do for the future.

    Bottom line, you deserve a man who 1. can be assertive and be an adult and tell anyone, including his mother, "hey I'm engaged and couldn't be happier", 2. tells you you're beautiful, 3. does the little considerate things like making you dinner sometime after you've had a long day instead of depending on you, and 4. wants to please you. I think his selfishness in the bedroom is rather congruent with his behavior outside of the bedroom. And I'm not trying to place judgement on your relationship but from what you said it seems as though he has placed his needs above yours at times and you deserve so much more than that. Especially because it seems like you put in a lot of effort and are very considerate towards your partner.

    For right now, spoil yourself and spend time with girlfriends. Time heals. And when you're ready for it, love will find you again! Good luck with finals! (ugh I know how stressful it is!)

    In Response to <a href=" Wedding BoardsForum:621Discussion:3f46fb5e-d147-4e7a-941e-00c521d2279cPost:5ec17f5e-6f1e-4a95-b7f2-aeab481f0770">Good morning, ladies! (FYI: this post contains a novel)</a>:
    [QUOTE]  . I just don't think I can do it anymore. Horrible as it sounds,<strong> I think I'm ready to move on.</strong> I'm ready to find happiness with someone, because I've been ready for it since he stopped expressing his love for me.
    Posted by JellyBean52513[/QUOTE]
  • kpdorrkpdorr member
    edited December 2011
    This is such a hard thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, especially someone as kind and helpful as you are! That being said, it really seems like you are processing this and handling it in a really healthy way. You absolutely deserve to be with someone who not only tell you they love you and thinks you're beautiful, but that makes you feel that way every second of your relationship. 

    I think a lot of us have similar stories of heartbreak- I know I do. t is incredibly difficult to be in a relationship that you think is the one, only to realize it isn't. I think though, in my experience that once you come out of the sadness, you realize how much you have learned about yourself and what you want in the process. The wrong relationships makes you much better equipped to be in the right relationship when it comes along.

    Like Monica pointed out, you are so right on when you said you are ready to settle down but not to settle. Don't ever settle. Like the other ladies have said, you deserve the best person for you- someone who makes you happy and never makes you second guess your relationship. We will miss you here, but also know we will be your biggest cheerleaders if you ever need support or encouragement.

    Good luck with finals and be sure to give yourself lots of time over the break.
  • edited December 2011
    I don't have much to say about all the break up details, other than stay strong with your decision and don't cave. I know it can be hard when you've been with someone for so long not to fall right back into the same relationship because it's too difficult to move on. You will find the right person for you, in time. I will always, always say that the only thing to heal a broken heart is time.

    About your self esteem issues, I can completely relate, Lorna. I understand what that's like. I have always had them, since I was a young teenager. And when you're with someone that doesn't make you feel good about yourself, it makes your own issues with your body ten times worse. I still feel uncomfortable with my body sometimes, but I am not nearly as bad as I used to be. All because James tells me every day that I am beautiful and attractive. When someone you love so much compliments you and makes you feel loved every day, it's the best feeling in the world. I have no doubt in my mind that you will find someone who will share that feeling with you. Don't ever settle for anything less than that, because you ARE beautiful and deserve to hear it every day!
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  • ski2playski2play member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011

    Sorry you are dealing with this!  I must admit I had been wondering where your pretty self went.  Yes, I said pretty self.  You are an amazing person, beautiful on the inside and out!  No worries, you will find your prince, you will live happily ever after, and last but not least, you will share it with us...(if you don't mind!)....Chin up little soldier, we have missed you, please do not be a stranger.......
  • edited December 2011
    Ladies, reading through all of your responses makes me tear :') thank you all for being such great people and for being so understanding, and so readily available with kind words for an internet message board poster! I'm becoming more and more at peace with this decision every day, because I have my heart set on finding true love. I promise that once exams are over, I will come back and keep posting! And who knows, maybe one of these days I'll have someone new to post about :)
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