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Central New York

BFF nervous about her wedding.

One of my close friends is getting married a month before me. Last night she told me she's very stressed over getting married

But when she told me why I was shocked. I thought you ladies could help me with what to say to her. She told me when her & fi were dating a year ago he "cheated". (I say it with quotes because if was over fb and the girl lives several states away) now is it "cheating" or not I'm not really sure? I don't think porn is and that's over the internet. FI dated this women when he was in high-school many many moons ago. They did see each other a year or so before he met my friend. She's married with kids and again lives several states away. But the messages were very, um sexual. How they were so hot for each other and coudln't keep their hands off each other. And how he loves what they have now. (REMEMBER this was a year ago) well after this women's husband added my friend on FB she asked FI about it all then bf the truth came out. The next message he sent to the women was I hurt my gf and she did no wrong she's a good girl and doesn't deserve this and it hurt me seeing her cry. He also added in the message they need to stop this for now or maybe forever. And maybe somewhere down the road maybe connect again. He knew she wasn't ever going to leave her husband for him. Though she said she would time and time again.My friend and her bf at the time now FI have since made up.

I didn't know about any of this. He is a very loyal person no one would of thought he would do something like that. He has not since spoken to the girl. All is water under the bridge. He doesn't like to talk about it she said one because it was a year ago and two he feels horrible and would never do it again.

But now since her wedding is coming up and she had one failed marriage. She never wants it to happen again. He said divorce isn't an option and always wants to work everything out with her. He always tells her she's such a good girl and truly loves her and she does so much for him he's so grateful. She's really worried what if... what if this... what if that. What if he seeks her out again?!

He said he did it because he was lonely and drunk. She was working 2 jobs every day. He hasn't done anything since he has since asked her to marry him. Says he loves her everyday they do everything together they are going to be starting a business together. Say's she's the best thing he's ever had.

I don't want to say get over it. I know that's not something you just get over. Though it's been a year. But she can't keep saying what if either. I keep trying to shorten this. She really loves him. But I don't know what to say to her to help her.

Re: BFF nervous about her wedding.

  • CD2011CD2011 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Oh wow, that's a lot to digest! When people ask how you know someone is "the one" I always say, "when you know, you know ... and when you don't know, you know!" When people would ask if any of my exes were "the one" it was always "I don't know", "maybe", or just a shrug... which told me that they probably weren't! If I had any doubts about the person I was with I would definitely not be marrying him.

    Hopefully he truly is 100% devoted now, even when he is "lonely and drunk", because that is definitely not an excuse. There obviously isn't any way to know for sure what he will do in the future, but I think the important thing is that she gets this worked out BEFORE they get married, otherwise it's always going to be in the back of her mind and could cause problems. Maybe they can go to counseling together?? That would probably be their best bet. In the end they are the only two who can decide what the best thing for them is.
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  • edited December 2011
    To me, yes thats cheating. Its an emotional and verbal cheat, despite being over the internet. If that real live human was next door, theres no telling what he'd do.

    I think his "I was lonely and drunk" excuses are bull and not something for her to dismiss. Things happen in life, what if he gets "lonely" again? My husband works OOT on occasions. I get lonely and drunk too. But I dont run to the closest d!ck to seek comfort.

    I dont really know what sort of advice to give other than she needs to talk to him. This is a marriage, its not something to treat lightly. She needs to let him know how shes feeling and she needs to push him on his lame excuses. I would 100% be asking myself what if for the next lifetime (I dont forgive easy, then again I would have left him when I found out what he did). No girl deserves to be treated like that and any girl who is has every right to demand answers. If hes not willing to talk to her about it, he's not worth her time.

    People are inherently stupid. Weddings make it painfully obvious -- KevinandMonica
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  • edited December 2011
    Oh boy.... yeah, I agree w/ Bridgett that it is still cheating.  A different kind, yes, but the intentions were still the same and if he had no qualms about getting busy over the internet, who's to say he would all of a sudden be "loyal" enough not to cross that line in person.

    FWIW (and not to scare you or your friend), I dated a guy for 2+ years.  I found out after about a year that he had created profiles on several different online dating/online sex hook up sites (I'm not talking match.com here... much more xxx)... I was furious, but he swore up and down it was only an "internet thing" and "just for fun" but if it hurt me, he promised he would quit it.  Loser.  I was such a moron that I fell for it.  Found out about a year later that he was a disgusting man whore who had cheated several times.  Still gives me the heebie jeebies and makes me want to shower with sand paper and bleach.  ick.

    Anyway... my point is that if he can break her trust and become involved with another woman (again over the internet or in person), that is likely the first step down a dark path and spells serious problems for that relationship... problems that need to be worked out before getting married.  Her feelings of betrayal won't magically go away after "I do".

    I know there are many couples who have been able to work things out and stay together after someone has been unfaithful.  Personally, I have learned the hard way one too many times.  I no longer give second chances.  If it is something that she is willing to consider- to forgive and work past this- maybe counseling would be a good idea.  Clearly, whatever method she is trying is not working since it still bothers her.

    ETA:  If the idea of the other woman leaving her husband has even been brought up, it is MUCH more serious than just playing around with dirty talk over the internet.  That say to me that this guy has some reallllly strong feelings for her, and vice versa.  The whole "she lives several states away" is not really any reason to discount the severity of the situation.  Does she have family here?  You said they went to school together?  Chances are pretty good that, at some point, their paths will cross again and if the feelings are that strong, I'm sure we can all imagine where that might lead.  Bad news.
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  • MCTD31MCTD31 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: BFF nervous about her wedding.:
    Oh wow, that's a lot to digest! When people ask how you know someone is "the one" I always say, "when you know, you know ... and when you don't know, you know!" When people would ask if any of my exes were "the one" it was always "I don't know", "maybe", or just a shrug... which told me that they probably weren't! If I had any doubts about the person I was with I would definitely not be marrying him. Hopefully he truly is 100% devoted now, even when he is "lonely and drunk", because that is definitely not an excuse. There obviously isn't any way to know for sure what he will do in the future, but I think the important thing is that she gets this worked out BEFORE they get married, otherwise it's always going to be in the back of her mind and could cause problems. Maybe they can go to counseling together?? That would probably be their best bet. In the end they are the only two who can decide what the best thing for them is.
    Posted by CD2011
    Exactly...there should be no second guessing when it comes to marriage. If your friend questions the strength of her relationship, then it may not be the right time to be getting married. The love and loyalty of a husband and wife should be undeniable, and the worst way to start a marriage is with uncertainty. Best of luck to your friend.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: BFF nervous about her wedding.:
    ETA:  If the idea of the other woman leaving her husband has even been brought up, it is MUCH more serious than just playing around with dirty talk over the internet.  That say to me that this guy has some reallllly strong feelings for her, and vice versa.  The whole "she lives several states away" is not really any reason to discount the severity of the situation.  Does she have family here?  You said they went to school together?  Chances are pretty good that, at some point, their paths will cross again and if the feelings are that strong, I'm sure we can all imagine where that might lead.  Bad news.
    Posted by kevinandmonica2011

    Exactly. 100%.

    I was also a cheater in my past relatioship so I can say from experience that if one cheats theres a reason for it. I did the whole cheat texting which lead to the in person cheating and when you get away with it you gain the confidence to get away with it again. If you dont get away with it, you change the way you went about cheating. I had something missing from my relationship, I could write a book, but the point being that something is missing between them, which is why he's not 100% devoted, counseling may be exactly what they need to figure out whats missing and whether or not it can be repaired.

    I would highly suggest she not g through with the wedding without taking some other necessary steps. Having to tell your family/friends that the wedding is off is nothing compared to living a lie and feeling cheated everyday and possible divorce later.

    People are inherently stupid. Weddings make it painfully obvious -- KevinandMonica
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  • sbolger17sbolger17 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think all of the above advice is really good.  I would urge your friend and her FI to go to counseling.  They'll be forced to talk about the issue there and either decide to work through it or decide that it's too much to bear.  I don't think it can just be swept under the rug.

    I know of people who have had internet relationships that have escalated into real ones, so I think that is a very slippery slope to be on.
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