New York

Need to Vent - sorry its long!

Soo.. I am getting really sick and tired of his "best friend" aka drama king im better than you disrespectful jerk. They are only friends bc theyve known each other since pre-k and this guy used to "protect" my guy from the bullies back in the day. Fast forward to now. He is loud, rude, flaunts his money, gets around, narrow-minded, disrespects women, drinks alot/parties/drugs and from the day he met me realized I was nothing like him and starting planting the seed to everyone else that I don't belong and that I'm not welcome in the group. Over time my guy has stood up for me, and had a few falling outs with him, and after alot of heartache, the friend apologizes and trumps it up to miscommunications and differences in personalities. He then starts to act like we are all good and is accepting of me, only to months later (this has gone on for four years) start garbage behind my back again and start discluding us. It really hurts my guy, and it kills me, makes me look like a jerk cause now the whole group is always aware of it and judging me with a microscope, hopping on the bandwagon at times. Last night I snapped and called him up, he screamed at me over the phone and cited some time 8 months ago when I didn't introduce him to another couple when he came over as proof that I'm a d-bag. WHAT??? I told my guy I'm over it. Not only do I not want this guy as our best man, (when he found out we were getting married he said he thinks I must be forcing my guy, and that theres no way he would want to marry me willingly). I don't even want him AT our wedding. Furthermore I don't want to hang out with him EVER. I have been burned too many times, and I can't put up with it. What do you guys think? I hate to be a Queen Bee myself but I'd rather sit home than be involved in that group. I do think we need to unfortunately find some ways to make a new group of friends because this group is not supportive and too high school for us (they are all in their 30's too!). Its gonna suck, but these are not the kind of people I want standing up for us at our wedding next year, let alone the type of people I want to continue spending my free time when it always leads to this garbage!
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Re: Need to Vent - sorry its long!

  • edited December 2011
    I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this nonsense when you are supposed to be enjoying planning for one of the most important and special days of your life.  Unfortunately some people take much longer than others to just simply grow up... this guy is obviously not there... and may not get there for years.  I used to be stuck in a similar group of friends... 30 something "Peter Pan" men who just did not want to grow up.  They drank and partied and slept around and skipped work and did everything that I thought was sort of acceptable in a 21 or 22 year old... but these guys were in their 30s... wtf?  I eventually realized that the guy I was dating was one of "them" and hit the road.  Whew!
    So... I sort of understand what you are going through... except your guy is not one of "them."  So your solution isn't as simple as just cut and run.  I was eventually able to find a new circle of friends... one or two at a time.... but it was a long time coming and not easy to do.
    I would take some time to just think about the people you know... setting age aside, think about your interests and where you are in life... I have broken away from my own age group and found friends that are both younger and older... but we are all either settled or getting ready to settle down.  It is so comforting to know that my friends value trust and good, healthy relationships just as much as I do.  It makes a "guys night out" a wonderful thing... because I know that none of them will be trying to instigate anything stupid... ya know?
    I can tell by your post that you are truly sad and frustrated with the whole situation and I would like to help... I have sort of been there in a way and I understand your pain. 
    Maybe when we have our little knottie get together mentioned in a previous post you can join us... get to know a few of us and hopefully start a new circle of friends.  All of the girls on here (regardless of age) are in a very similar place in life and it helps so much to have friends who are walking down the same road wiht you (instead of trying to drag you or your future hubby in the wrong direction). 
    Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you out.  I am always up for wine and whine-fests when necessary!  Smile  Hang in there... if you have a supportive guy by your side (which it sounds like you do) everything will work out.  Things happen for a reason and this big blow up with jerk guy just might be the beginning of a fresh start for you and your man.
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  • edited December 2011
    Monica - Thanks for the support, exactly what I needed!  I wish I didn't live further away (rochester, not syr) And yes.. the difference is that my guy isn't one of the jerks, and he really needs to connect more with some different guys,so he doesn't feel like cutting ties with this crowd will leave him all alone. I've had my own issues, falling outs, etc. with girlfriends over the years, but haven't been stuck in the rut he has gotten into, with no other options, I have found different groups, work friends, grad school friends, etc that I can rely on and don't try to put all of my eggs in one basket. Developing friendships with other couples on top of him connecting with other dudes is also going to help the two of us feel like we have a crowd that supports us together.. tonight I forced him to go play cards with a co-worker even though he was super tired and depressed, just to get out there. I hope it helps!
     oh and p.s. the d-bag "friend" just made a facebook comment about how the word of the day is RESPECT, and that if "someone" wants it from him, it has to be earned, not given. (Are you freaking kidding me???)
    image 169 Made the cut!
    image 137 Are ready to party! image29 Are missing out! image 3 Are making me crazy!
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