New York

Update: Bridesmaids Problem


RecapL Bm's being PIAs, not wanting to have any part of wedding, planning cruises without me (because they think that  "I need to save money for the wedding"...), not wanting to try on dresses, do not want to help with shower/bach party planning...

Things got a lot better...for two weeks. They started calling me, and asking me when I could get together, when we were going dress shopping etc...then they kind of disappeared again. I asked them when we were going to go bm dress shopping and two of them told me that they had to work, or "i just cant, ok?" One of them is ignoring me (for God knows WHAT reason...facebook, calls/ texts, emails..no response) 

So today, I hit my point and sent them a friendly letter (not sarcasm, actually very friendly!). I explained to them every detail of the wedding that concerns them. Telling them that I had my FSIL try on dresses, and she picked them and how much it will cost. I also told them that I will need there hep in a few months, as any bride would need her bms. 
Lastly, I added in about how so much has changed in a year, and how I can understand if they just don't want to be in the WP anymore and that they shouldnt feel obligated if they are having thoughts about stepping down. I told them that I would find something less "demanding" because they are important to me,  should that bridge need to be crossed.  

It was friendly, and it gave THEM the option of stepping down since they were dragging their feet on some important things.

My goal was not to sound like I wanted them to step down, and I don't want them to. I want them to see the things that I need from them over the next 8 months, and to decide what is best FOR THEM. 

I have already gotten a response from my MOH, who is fully on board and hasnt really been "the problem". 

*fingers crossed!*
First comes Love (2.23.2006)
Then comes Marriage (6.23.2012)
Then comes Baby #1 (5.10.2013)
And Baby #2 (EDD 6.15.2014)
In the baby carriage! 

Re: Update: Bridesmaids Problem

  • edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you're having a tough time with the BM situation. I hope this helps..

    I want them to see the things that I need from them over the next 8 months, and to decide what is best FOR THEM.


    I'm curious, what is it you need from them other than ordering the dress and showing up the day before/day of?? I see posts like this all the time, and I can never figure out what BM's are supposed to do other than be there in the chosen outfit.

    I also told them that I will need there help in a few months, as any bride would need her BMs.

    The help list may be what ticked them off. Please don't take this the wrong way, but with my crazy schedule if anyone emailed me a help list, I would be PO'd and graciously say "you're on your own". For this reason, FI and I are doing everything ourselves and leaving the BP completely out of it.

    I also wouldn't even discuss them stepping down. You have time until the wedding, and if they haven't ordered a dress two months or so before, then they won't be there (or be in the BP). I know you are anxious for everyone to be on board, but sometimes it isn't that easy. This may be a case of asking too early and friendships diminishing.

    From what it sounds, you sent a nice letter and I would sit back for awhile and see where it goes. I'm sure they'll let you know!

    Good Luck!
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  • mek20mek20 member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Not sure if you read the last post I made about this, but all of that was addressed there. 

    What I hope to get from my bms is emotional support. As any other bride would. 

    I'm not going to post the letter for all to read, but I was very cautious of the way I wrote it so that there were no "expectations", except for being there for me when I have that inevitable mental breakdown. It also stated basically planning details that pertained to them (Example, we are having the female WP at my parents house the night before to alleviate hotel costs)

    I have had 2 out of the 3 girls respond in very positive ways, so I know that what I said to them was effective. Even though it may not seem it in my OP of paraphrasing. 
    First comes Love (2.23.2006)
    Then comes Marriage (6.23.2012)
    Then comes Baby #1 (5.10.2013)
    And Baby #2 (EDD 6.15.2014)
    In the baby carriage! 
  • edited December 2011
    I guess I'm the unusual bride because I really don't look for any emotional wedding support from my BM's- but that's just me!!

    WIth that aside, I really do understand what you're saying about wanting them there emotionally and those inevitable "mental breakdowns". Just remember, if they are your friends, they should be there for you for those moments regardless of a wedding!! And in terms of the other details, I still wouldn't be worried this early if they don't respond fast or at all. It's nice that you are giving them heads-up about the hotel costs, etc. and that you're getting a positive response. Hopefully it'll stay positive from here on out!
    image 131 invited image 120 are ready to party! image 11 will miss the festivities! Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • mek20mek20 member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011


    I think that's kind of what upset me the most with these girls. When we first started planning, they were upset because they wanted to be more involved with planning. Then I think they kind of saw what they were getting into, and backed out. (None of them are anywhere close to getting married, which is probably another reason for all the drama) FI and I have done pretty much everything on our own, with the help of my mother. TBH, I like it better that way!!!! :)


    Thanks for the help, and good luck with the planning!
    First comes Love (2.23.2006)
    Then comes Marriage (6.23.2012)
    Then comes Baby #1 (5.10.2013)
    And Baby #2 (EDD 6.15.2014)
    In the baby carriage! 
  • edited December 2011
    Hope the letter works out well for you.  I have to say I do tend to agree w/ JN.  There really isn't much that they need to be doing... and honestly... if you have to ask for, or makes plans for their emotional support then they really don't sound like great friends, to me.  They should be emotionally *there* for you whether they are in the WP or not... and whether you ask them to or not... that's what friends do, right?

    It is a good idea to give them a head's up on any costs and rough timelines, though. 

    I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.  8 months out is awful early to be starting up with drama.  Hope it fades fast.
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  • Happily9Happily9 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    See...I have always thought along the same line as you have Mek20.  Bridesmaids were the girls who kept ya sane the whole time and your go to people for 2nd opinions when you needed them.  Guess this isn't the case though :(  Especially since my bridal party changed twice...I learned that if they wanted to help...great, if not...I was on my own.  It is best to find out sooner than later if that will be the case so at least you know what to expect.  Good luck! 
  • edited December 2011
    I agree, definitely better to find out sooner than later! You do want to enjoy the process. I hope that they are good friends to you now and after the wedding!
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  • MCTD31MCTD31 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I, too, am one of those brides that doesn't really get the big deal about planning a wedding on my own. I may be eating my words later, but so far it's been pretty easy, even with some serious wrenches thrown in the planning (ie: venue possibly closing). With the exception of a little input from FI on menu options, I have planned every last detail by myself. I like it that way because, well....I want what I want.

    The only thing I've needed from my BMs is input on their dresses, and most of them have said they'd wear whatever I choose....which is actually not helpful at all when you can't decide! My sister has been a bit of a PITA (no short dresses, must be form fitting, etc) but I'm also not afraid to tell her to suck it :) My BMs have always given me emotional support, wedding related or not, and that's why they are my BMs. It stinks that the people you've chosen to be a part of your big day don't give you the same support. Sounds like you're dealing with a bit of jealousy and most definitely some immaturity. But, you are handling it well. Hope it all works out!
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