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FI wedding situation UPDATE

AllgaierAllgaier member
First Anniversary First Comment
in New York
FI and I decided to do it our way. I have to plan it around him not racing though :( so that leaves me with 5 months to figure it out. But of course now he won't set a date or really talk about it. He doesn't want me to get rid of the dress though. :/ this is me confused. So basically I've just given up on the whole thing.

I know we don't have to get married. But I'd really like to. He just changes his mind to dang much. It went from I was ok with marrying you to I don't want to, too I don't know, then too I don't even know if I want to get married at all. Back to I want to get married and then to eh I don't know or care when really. Again he's 30 not 10. You'd think he'd have his stuff together know what he wants.

So, basically I've just decided from now on to leave it alone. Maybe someday he'll change his mind again and then back again. So this is me being a wishful thinker but no longer having any expectations or hopes.

wow what a crappy update.
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Re: FI wedding situation UPDATE

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    JN382JN382
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    edited December 2011
    I'm really sorry you've gone through all this. It sounds like the whole wedding ordeal has been a roller coaster between the family and now FI. Maybe you do need some time to let everything settle and see where things go. With calling the initial wedding off in the first place to now not knowing, it seems like you both need to re-group. You deserve someone who knows 150% where they stand, and will stand by you in the process.

    Good luck and thanks for the update!!
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    whereismymind32whereismymind32 member
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    edited December 2011
    Your updates make me concerned that you need more time in your relationship to be certain about this. I don't like that he's the one calling all the shots about whether or not he wants to marry you. It's your life too. It should be a mutual decision and it sucks for you to sit around waiting for him to make up his mind. Maybe you could set a date a year and 5 months from now so neither of you feel rushed.
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    DondadaTimes2DondadaTimes2
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_fi-wedding-situation-update?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:621Discussion:c4cc0e36-2613-4e1d-8cca-4404ca73d5f1Post:16282ee8-1478-4beb-8d7d-87d3d22e1d02">Re: FI wedding situation UPDATE</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your updates make me concerned that you need more time in your relationship to be certain about this. I don't like that he's the one calling all the shots about whether or not he wants to marry you. It's your life too. It should be a mutual decision and it sucks for you to sit around waiting for him to make up his mind. Maybe you could set a date a year and 5 months from now so neither of you feel rushed.
    Posted by whereismymind32[/QUOTE]

    Cosigned.

    Theres got to be a reason he's all over the place with wanting then not wanting to get married. Before you set a date and worry about your family, I'd figure out why he doesnt know if he wants to marry you. Personally, if DH didnt know if he wanted to marry me I would have split.

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    raes19raes19 member
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    edited December 2011
    Have you considered pre-marital counseling? It seems like you both have some issues that should be worked through before you worry about wedding planning. Maybe if you had an outside party help you sort through everything that has been going on, the two of you might come to a better understanding on where your relationship stands and how to move forward.
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    JN382JN382
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    edited December 2011
    Personally, if DH didnt know if he wanted to marry me I would have split.

    This. Also, I think the first sign would have been when he broke off the wedding just weeks beforehand. I understand there may have been more going on there, but it still seemed a little odd. I think you need to figure out where your relationship stands before you jump into marriage which is a lifetime of communication and understanding. And it still may be me (usually the case), but perhaps it wasn't the family issues and their demands to start with.. as I'm beginning to suspect it wasn't.
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    kevinandmonica2011kevinandmonica2011 member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_fi-wedding-situation-update?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:621Discussion:c4cc0e36-2613-4e1d-8cca-4404ca73d5f1Post:6da7f47d-4ed2-42ed-b6a8-8b709fe6b4d7">Re: FI wedding situation UPDATE</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Have you considered pre-marital counseling?</strong> It seems like you both have some issues that should be worked through before you worry about wedding planning. Maybe if you had an outside party help you sort through everything that has been going on, the two of you might come to a better understanding on where your relationship stands and how to move forward.
    Posted by raes19[/QUOTE]

    THIS!!!!  Raes is wise.

    Seriously... wedding planning should be the least of your concerns right now with all of this wishy washy stuff going on.  You really should consider couples/pre-marital counseling.
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    kevinandmonica2011kevinandmonica2011 member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_fi-wedding-situation-update?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:621Discussion:c4cc0e36-2613-4e1d-8cca-4404ca73d5f1Post:80549e87-89ef-471c-8773-48f76ada8a8a">Re: FI wedding situation UPDATE</a>:
    [QUOTE]Personally, if DH didnt know if he wanted to marry me I would have split. This. Also, I think the first sign would have been when he broke off the wedding just weeks beforehand. I understand there may have been more going on there, but it still seemed a little odd.<strong> I think you need to figure out where your relationship stands before you jump into marriage which is a lifetime of communication and understanding. And it still may be me (usually the case), but perhaps it wasn't the family issues and their demands to start with.. as I'm beginning to suspect it wasn't.</strong>
    Posted by JN382[/QUOTE]

    This too.  Not just you, JN... I was thinking the same thing.

    OP, I am so sorry you are going through this, but you really need to take a step back and look at what is going on.  Wedding aside, there are some serious warning signs here.  Please re-evaluate your relationship...
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    AllgaierAllgaier member
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    edited December 2011
    Thank you ladies. I know there are, that's the worst part. I see the flags. Like I said before I do love him I want to work it all out with him.

    I have suggested pre-marital counseling and he agree'd to it. But right now something else has come up and that's the last thing on my mind.

    He did have a dream yesterday and I died and he was so upset he couldn't say I love you one more time. Say's he's never felt this way about someone ever before.

    But yes it wasn't just my family though he say's it was. I do know he started to have feelings for someone else and we are working on that. I took everything and actually left him and went home 3 hours away. But he came out we worked it out and are working on it and plan to go to pre-marital counseling. 

    But like I said right now that's not even on my mind. I got some bad news from the dr. yet again and I'd rather deal with that and put all my money towards getting healthy again and trying to stay healthy. I had this before so I know what's going on what's going to happen and as long as it doesn't turn into the big C I'll be ok but as of right now they don't know. He took the news better than I did I'm still a mess over what they told me and found.

    I keep saying maybe this is God's way of telling me I need to stop, slow down, and live my life to stop rushing everything.


    But I did tell him it's my life I have the right to choose too and it's not fair to wait for you not to ever maybe someday make up your mind or not or lead me on. Though he says I'm leading myself on. And ya know what? Guess I really am. I have no one to blame but myself.

    Like I said we know we want to be with each other. He's just not sure that a marriage needs to take place. I understand that, but it's something I always wanted in a way. I didn't after my divorce but now I kind of do again.
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    kevinandmonica2011kevinandmonica2011 member
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    edited December 2011
    ((big hugs))... don't know what's going on health-wise, but I am sending healing thoughts and prayers your way.
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    AllgaierAllgaier member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_fi-wedding-situation-update?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:621Discussion:c4cc0e36-2613-4e1d-8cca-4404ca73d5f1Post:7d8b24ff-3dd3-466c-a995-f5ec3c86ec4d">Re: FI wedding situation UPDATE</a>:
    [QUOTE]((big hugs))... don't know what's going on health-wise, but I am sending healing thoughts and prayers your way.
    Posted by kevinandmonica2011[/QUOTE]

    thank you so much! I'm guna need them! At 23 years old this should not be happening again.
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    lornarose07lornarose07
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    edited December 2011
    Big hugs from me, too. This must all be so rough, especially with not-so-great health news on top of that. The scariest thing you said in your OP, in my opinion, was the way you described his yo-yoing thoughts... "I am ok with marrying you" ... OK?!?!?! His high point should be "I cant wait to marry you," not "I'm ok with with it." please, please take some time to figure things out. And give him time to do that, even if he needs to do it on his own. Take it from the girl who cant stand the thought of her FI being away for a weekend... more than ever right now, you might need to find the strength to let him figure things out alone. He needs to appreciate you, and want you and need you, not be... ok with you. Keep us posted, were all here for you
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    DondadaTimes2DondadaTimes2
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    edited December 2011
    Wow, hugs from me too! Sorry things are going so rough for you right now T&P that your health inproves!


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    sbolger17sbolger17 member
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    edited December 2011
    T&P from me too!!  I hope everything improves health-wise and that you're able to figure things out with FI after that is taken care of.
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