NWR advice needed :/ (it's long, sorry)

lornarose07

So, I've met a couple of really cool girls here at law school, and that's saying something for me because I pretty much have no close girl friends, save for one or two that I don't see that often due to life/distance. I like to blame my parents for not raising me and for the one best friend that I had for nearly a decade that was SO toxic and such a bad friend (told me to kill myself when we were 14 because I wasn't cool enough and would make her look bad in high school) that it's impossible for me to trust anyone now. At any rate, these girls are nice, they're fun, and from what I can tell, they're real.

Since school started, they've been going out every single weekend, and every single weekend, Armory Sq is there scene of choice. The first time I went out with them to AS, FI happened to be downtown with his friend and saw me walking out of the bar RIGHT when some guy threw his arms around me from behind to try and get in his last attempt at bagging a chick to bring home for the night. Worst timing ever? Yeah pretty much. Huge fight between FI and I and it took all convincing from the other people we were there with to get him to understand what was going on. No doubt about it, I would have shot first and sked questions later too if I saw that, but it definitely hurt FI's trust. Truth be told, the AS scene is not for me. I'm not single, like these girls are, and I don't get enjoyment from being in an environment that I'm not familiar with, with a bunch of who-knows-where-they're-from creepers and sketchballs. Give me Chucks, a $3.50 pitcher of Miller Light and a bunch of undergrads anytime and I'm content and happy.

Since that time a few weeks ago I have not gone out with the girls. I have explained to them why: my relationship is more important than getting drunk downtown, and they seem to understand. They do invite me to come out every weekend regardless, but seem to accept when I decline. FI tells me I should go out with them, I should be able to do what I want with my friends and not only does he want me to have that, but he wants his own space for his friends too without being worried about me sitting at home by myself.

Today, I was texting one of the girls about possibly hanging out this weekend and she said "can I hold you to that?????" And it makes me freak out. I'm flattered that she wants me to come hang out that badly that she's asking for an RSVP 4 days in advance, and I want to have friends--good friends-- for once in my life. I'm just nervous about going to AS with these girls and what FI will be thinking about it. His feelings aside, AS is just not my scene! I don't really want to go there, and I'm broke after FI's birthday so I can barely afford cover charges. I told them as much, and that I'm happy to DD since I can't afford to drink anyway. She hasn't responded yet, but I'm afraid she's going to take it as me making yet another excuse on yet another weekend why I can't/won't hang out with them.

I guess the advice I'm looking for is, how do I handle this situation of wanting to hang out with friends when all they want to do is something that I don't want to do, for all the above-mentioned reasons? I don't want to keep these girls from doing what they enjoy, it's just that it's not what I enjoy and I don't want "to be held" to plans that I'm not interested in making. Ugh. To quote Regina George, I'm kinda of socially retarded.

raes19

Is there any way they would let you suggest a place to go? Or even have a girls day and just have lunch or something?

As much as it sucks, sometimes it's hard keeping a friendship going when you are at a different stage in your life than someone else. I lost my best friend of 8 years because of this. I still love her to death, but we haven't spoke in over a year. These girls want to drink and party, and you are getting married and settling down. If they are looking for more than a drinking/party buddy, then they will be willing to make some compromises to make sure you are comfortable.

CD2011

LOL love the quote. I am the same as you as far as not having many (or even any) close friends anymore, and it makes me sad. I would say something along the lines of "Hey, I really want to hang out with you girls I think you are great, but AS is just really not my thing. Maybe we can go to _____ (insert place you like to go--dinner, movie, museum, etc) some time?"

If they are the type who are "good friends" they would take your feelings and interests into consideration. If they just want another person to add to their drunken posse to make them look cool, then they won't give 2 poops about what you want to do.

I find that it's really hard to find people who are REALLY real. People say they're real, but they're not. I also am not into going out and getting drunk every weekend, but it's hard to find people who think it's cool to stay in, order pizza, and play a game or just hang out over a few drinks!

On another note, I will be downtown for my friend's birthday this weekend being a drunken fool. Friday though.

MCTD31

Friendships, like any relationship, are about compromise. If they're good friends, they'll make an effort to do what you like once in a while. I know what you mean about the AS scene, but believe it or not there are some places down there that aren't totally sketchy. Al's, or Empire Brewing Co....those are more laid back places where guys aren't constantly trying to bag you. Or at least they're more subtle about it. Most other bars you're pretty much guaranteed an evening of dodging perverts. Your friends should definitely be willing to change it up once in a while for your sake. Try and beat them to the punch next time by asking them to go to Chucks before they have the opportunity to ask you downtown again. As for your FI, it kinda sounds like he's already over your little incident. He's not only trusting you but encouraging you to go out with the girls. I say give it another try, if AS becomes an issue again then you can nix it and explain to your girlfriends that if they want to hang out with you it'll have to be elsewhere. Regardless, they should respect that it's not your scene and at the very least meet you halfway.

lornarose07

Thanks for the encouragement ladies, it means a lot to be able to hash this out with people who can identify with where I'm at right now in my life vs. my friends. I just spoke to them, and they said that they want to have a little house-warming party at their apartment first (one of them just moved into a new place) and then-- dun dun dun-- head to AS. I told them again that I'm happy to DD and they said they were cool with that, and they said that nothing bad will happen again as long as I don't let it, and just to picture FI standing behind me any time some creeper tries to bother me and not to give trouble a fighting chance. One thing one of the girls said was, "We just want you to WANT to come hang out with us, when people ask us about who are friends are, sometimes we forget to say your name because you never come around! We only get on you about how flaky you are because we actually want you to come around" It does mean a lot that to me that they feel this way, and I guess it wouldn't kill me to go out with them, and maintain some level of sobriety enough that I can be in control of what's going on around me, and hey, if it still ends up being something that I don't want to do again, I can at least say I tried.

JN382

Lorna, I can understand where you are coming from. Friendships do change over time and through the chaos of life, you'll find those few that really do stick. And it's those people that will be with you through hell and high water.

 It's also really difficult being in school and in an engagement which many females cannot relate to. Throughout my graduate school career I don't think I met one female that I retained as a friend because of those reasons you pointed out. Not because I didn't want to, it's just because their social life was different from my priorities (and the fact that I work full time!).

I'm up on campus on Friday's, please let me know if you want to do coffee on the hill!! I'll be your friend :-)

Also, I met my FI who worked in AS. I rarely go there anymore lol