Proofreading help (short)

bridetobe71412

I am putting the following poem/phrase on a handkerchief for my FMIL. Can you guys please tell me how to punctuate.capitalize it, if at all?

Since it's a poem, I'm totally confused. It's been a while since I've read anything creative and non-legal.

Jane,
You raised with love a gracious man,
with whom I’ll share my life.
He is lucky to be your son,
and I am lucky to be his wife.
Love, Bridetobe
July 14, 2012

butterflyjumper1

hahahahaha I just read it twice and have no idea what to tell you. All I write are briefs and motions these days. whoops.

Is this from Etsy? if so what designer? this is such a cute idea!

Sorry I am of no help.

BmoreBride311

I THINK the way you have it is right, but I am also in a corporatey job and not a creative writer at all!

I think it may depend on the font what looks nicest, too. I think if you wanted you could have the beginning of each line be capitalized if aesthetically that looks better, but grammatically what you have looks correct to me.

k8888

The best part about poetry is that (most of the time) it doesn't matter how it's punctuated.

I think it's really sweet!

bridetobe71412

Do you guys think it would look better without any punctuation at all in the poem itself?

Like this:

Jane,
You raised with love a gracious man
With whom I’ll share my life
He is lucky to be your son
And I am lucky to be his wife
Love, Bridetobe
July 14, 2012

Also, does the "And" in the last line sound awkward? I added that; her example didn't have an "and" in it.

Oh and butterfly, it's this lady: https://www.etsy.com/people/EmbroiderybyLinda

penny12986

It's a pretty poem and I really like it.

The one suggestion I would have is to change either the 2nd or 3rd line because they both have 'with' but I am not sure how to do that yet.  I will try to play around with it and mix in other prepositions.

penny12986

How about

"You lovingly raised a gracious man
With whom I'll share my life."

bridetobe71412

Penny, you're a genius. I love that.

Would you omit all of the punctuation and just do each line capitalized?

lvissers

Cute, I got one of these for my FMIL too from etsy. Mine says "Sue, thank you for raising your son to be the man of my dreams, Love always, Lindsay and our wedding date underneath. I also got one for my mom that says "Today I'm a bride, tomorrow a wife, always your daughter" I think its such a cute sentimental gift and hope the mommy's enjoy.

I think yours is written correctly and will be really nice :-)

bridetobe71412

Oh and @lvissers - I am doing the SAME "man of my dreams" language for his father! I wanted to do something different for his mom so it's not the same exact gift.

penny12986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_proofreading-help-short?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:c76bec4a-6c43-4c8e-8ab2-70ffa3b1f64fPost:793ded0a-92e0-4732-af9b-a0e8ce730883">Re: Proofreading help (short)</a>:
[QUOTE]Penny, you're a genius. I love that. Would you omit all of the punctuation and just do each line capitalized?
Posted by bridetobe71412[/QUOTE]

Awww shucks, haha.  Happy to help =)

I would take out the commas and leave the periods.  The sentences don't seem long enough to justify commas.  Then capitalize each line.

mbody

I personally don't care for caps to begin each line. For some reason, when I read it, I'm making awkward pauses. But, maybe that's just me.

This is a cute idea!

bridetobe71412

Thanks, ladies! Sorry - I'm totally clueless when it comes to this stuff.

k8888

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_proofreading-help-short?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:c76bec4a-6c43-4c8e-8ab2-70ffa3b1f64fPost:0be9a319-f797-4707-914c-5fd8d6d626ac">Re: Proofreading help (short)</a>:
[QUOTE]Cute, I got one of these for my FMIL too from etsy. Mine says "Sue, thank you for raising your son to be the man of my dreams, Love always, Lindsay and our wedding date underneath. I also got one for my mom that says "Today I'm a bride, tomorrow a wife, always your daughter" I think its such a cute sentimental gift and hope the mommy's enjoy. I think yours is written correctly and will be really nice :-)
Posted by lvissers[/QUOTE]

Totally tearing up reading this.  So sweet.

MeaganR12

I love these I have no suggestions on punctuation, but if you're ordering from etsy, the store you're ordering from might have good advice?

dramaqueen91087

I like it without the commas, though I may be biased. I have a severe hatred of commas, I actuallt wrote a paper about it once. Either way is correct. I'm an English teacher and a writer so I should know. 

Also, this idea and poem are so cute! They are going to love it.

bridetobe71412

Thank you, ladies! I really appreciate it. Grammar is usually a pet peeve of mine and I judge people who suck at it. . . but when it comes to poems, I'm clueless.