Shower Invites - venting!

LandB2012

First of all, I dislike the concept of a shower (for myself) but I don't mind going to them.  I just feel terrible having people throw me a party to buy me gifts (none that I really need, just some nice upgrades).  Anyways, the concept of a shower for me makes me feel really really guilty - but maybe I'm nuts!!

My mom and BMs are throwing it and while they all want it super secret, my mom has kept me in the loop.  (She gets so stressed with these things and I'm the only person she ever really talks to, so I know she has to let it out with me).  And...she wants to make sure it's what I actually want (which is kind of small). 

So, my mom was talking to FMIL and she thinks all women invited to the wedding should also be invited to the shower (which I totally don't agree with).  My mom told her I wanted it small and my mom wasn't inviting a lot of people because of this.  I cut down my friends on the list to 3 closest friends but my mom and FMIL insist all of there friends need to come.  With my mom, I understand a little bit more because I've known these people for 20+ years but I haven't even met some of FMIL's friends! 

I know I should be happy they want to do this - it just makes me feel so guilty and I feel kind of embarassed that they are inviting people that don't even really know me (though they know FI).  I don't want people feeling left out if they aren't invited, but I don't want people to think I'm just looking for gifts. 

FI says just to let it go and be happy (and he's excited about more gifts) but I can't get past feeling somewhat guilty and selfish about this.  Anyone else feel like this or do I need to see a therapist?  lol

calindi

I say let it go and tell your Mom to talk to someone else about the details.  There's a reason you shouldn't be involved - it's other people planning a party to shower you with affection and yes, gifts.  Anyone who doesn't want to go doesn't have to, and if you don't know about the party then there's no pressure for them to feel like they have to be there.

Just take a deep breath and remind yourself that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter.  People who want to go will go, and people who don't won't.  No stress, no guilt.

mcb126

You don't need a therapist!    I have had similar feelings and hesitations not just about the shower... and with the bachelorette party (is that weird??).  My fiance and I already have most of what we need, but have registered for many upgrades, as well.  So, here are some bits of wisdom that have been given to me... 

My sister-in-law and maid of honor put some things in perspective.  She essentially said that this is kind of like "pay back" or "things coming full-circle", ya know?  She said this is just what happens, and it's what people expect, especially older generations, but to enjoy it because everyone else at the party will be, too.  

Another thing, which I don't know if it's even an option for you, but the tradition in my family is to have a wedding shower (i.e. a coed party), not a bridal shower.  I see it as a way to deflect all of the attention off of me.  It seems like natural progression to include men nowadays, with guys being more involved in the whole wedding process- they don't just show up on the big day with their tux.  

This bit of advice, which I got from my jeweler, I've used through out my whole planning process, especially when things just aren't going the way I'd like.  (Disclaimer: I'm horrible at quoting people and this probably won't come out the same way she said it, but I hope you get the gist of it!)

"The events leading up to the wedding and the wedding day is going to happen regardless of whether you're ready for them.  Don't forget to actually enjoy them and everything in between. When you look back at all of it, you'll wonder why you got so worked up to begin with!" 

Hope this helps!

Whtara10

I feel the same way! People give you something at the wedding so why do you need a shower before hand too?! But of course it is the proper thing to do so I am having one but I do feel extremely selfish. You are suppose to invite every female guest it's proper etiquette. Within reason though. You're not going to invite your cousins girlfriend that you never met just because he's bringing her to the wedding. Use your own judgement

rswan412

I agree with shower hesitation- I hate hate HATE attention on me and I feel ridiculous sitting in front of 50 people opening gifts. I don't even really get the tradition of it. That being said, my aunt and MOH (and my mom kind of) have been so pumped to throw me a traditional bridal shower from the getgo...and I've really just let them have their fun with the bridesmaids. I love bridal showers, and I just keep reminding myself that when I go, though opening gifts is boring, I've truly been happy for each and every girl and have been excited to celebrate the good stuff going on in her life.

HeatherR45

Totally know how you feel. I hate asking people for help, let alone have people throw a party for me with things I don't really need. I also HATE surprises more. I'm the type of person that I feel like I need to be in control of everything, but I have to realize that I can't do that on my wedding day. It's best to just embrace it and enjoy being "showered" with love! Good luck!!

SB1512

i'm sorry your stressed.  if you do want to talk to you mom and fmil, this is the rule of thumb for shower invites.  every female that is invited to the wedding does not have to be invited to the shower.  every female that is invited to the shower must be invited to the wedding.  my wedding and shower are a long long way off but i'm guessing i'm going to experience the same thing from fmil, she is going ot want to invite everyone (my mom already anticipates this though and since she plans on hosting on her budget will be setting a guest limit for fmil).  not only will that made me feel weird since i don't know those people, but it's also going to be pretty embarrassing if i open lingerie in front of complete stranges!  that's one gift I won't be holding up to show off!!

LandB2012

Thanks everyone!  I find it funny that some people think all women (within reason) should be invited and others think this isn't necessary - I guess this is what I'm running into. At least I'm not alone!  I really was starting to think I'm nuts!  I'm going to try to remove myself from knowing anything further (I don't know much...just that my mom asked for a list of who I would like invited, which started all this).

Glad to know some of you are in the same boat!!!