Step-parent in-law drama! Super long, please help.

jennylove810

Alright wise ladies of the The Knot.. please assist me with your opinions and advice.In 2 weeks, my mom is hosting an engagement party for FI and I at her house.  About 6 weeks ago, we each gave her short list of our close friends and family members we wanted to invite.  I have a small family and only invited the closest of our family members, and the only friends who received invitations are the ones we will ask to be members of our wedding party.I want to re-iterate, SMALL.  Mom wanted 30 people, MAX.Enter drama.FI is much closer with his mother's side of the family than his fathers (they are divorced, and his father remarried) so on his list was his mother, 2 aunts, 1 uncle and his grandparents (all on his mom's side).  Also on his list was his father and stepmother, and that was it for family members.  Well the stepmother called up my mother to RSVP today and left a voicemail mentioning that his father's side of the family hasn't received any invitations to the EP.  When my mom called her back, stepmother informed my mother that since one whole side of FI's family got invited (the maternal side), then his father's side (AND her side!) all need to be invited as well.  That's 18 extra people.Now my mom certainly didn't exclude anyone purposely, but this is a small gathering for close friends and family members, and the people that stepmother wants invited didn't even send FI a card for his birthday (which was today).  These are not "close" family members.  I can see her side, in the interest of fairness... but MY mother is hosting the party in HER house and MY mother is footing the bill, so my natural reaction is, "who the hell is this woman to boss around my poor momma?"  EPs aren't necessary, she just wanted to have a little get together to celebrate!  I'd also like to point out that this woman has not congratulated me on being engaged to her stepson and has never been overly warm and welcoming to me.  My mom feels pushed around, I'm angry, FI is on my side, but no one wants to make waves or start a fight.  Maybe it's not worth the fight, but it's still hella rude.  What should we do?

banana468

I just responded on P&E but I'll say it here too.  If I were your mother, I'd only respond to the part of your FI's stepmother's response that she's attending.Are the two of you in the loop by FI's father and step mother that they want another 18 people there?  If so, that's when FI needs to say, "Step mother, the people invite are the people closest to me.  You don't have to like it but the guest list isn't your call."  If he's more comfortable doing so then this should be said to his father - and he should also clue his father into the awkward position that the father's wife just put FI in.And FWIW, I'd keep step-mother's knowledge of wedding related things to a minimum. 

jennylove810

Banana, you are awesome. Thank you. I actually have no idea how FSMIL found out about the guest list, I can only assume she called around to her side and no one else had received an invitation. FI is polite and friendly with her, but I wouldn't say they're close. He already called her to say that my mother was trying to keep the party small, and he has apologized to my mother. We all kind of agree that FSMIL is out of line, but we just know she's going to be difficult about this, and it's a shame that issues are arising this early in the game. She's supposed to email my mom a list of names and addresses with the expectation that they'll be receiving an invite, and my mother plans on telling her no. Ohh what a mess.

banana468

If the additional guests definitely are a no then I'd have your mom nip it now - or have FI nip it now.  He can say, "I understand that you want these people there but I gave my future mother in law the names of those people close to me and it's not OK for you to force people into her home because YOU want them there."  Again, if he's more comfortable then he should say this to his father.BTW, you're welcome.  I'm not a complete stranger to in-law difficulty.  :-)

banana468

BTW, if FSMIL is known for this type of behavior, FI will need to start the boundary system now.  Sometimes we (a collective we) won't do things to ruffle the feathers of difficult people.  But the end result of that is that we wind up doing things that we hate and resent all so that the difficult person shuts up.  Just like you shouldn't give a difficult child tons of candy bars even if he'll throw a temper tantrum without them, you shouldn't give into a demanding adult just because you fear HER temper tantrum. 

ReTRoRenegade07

to say I feel your pain is an understatement, I'm definitely not a stranger to this kind of drama. long story short, FI's parents divorced when he was very young, remarried...and 20 some-odd years later the pain is still fresh and angry.  I'm not even sure that the outside venue may not hold them. yiiiikes. so thanks for letting me know that i'm not the only one

banana468

You don't get to pick your family unfortunately.  And even though you get to pick your spouse, you don't get to pick his family.All you two can do is work on a plan for dealing with them.  Sometimes that means working with a therapist and sometimes you two can do it together.  :hugs:  !

christikao

Sorry to hear what you have to deal with. I totally agree with Banana, sometimes with ppl like that you have to be firm and lay it out for them. Now if she is paying for half of the expenses then I would understand about her wanting to invite all these ppl but she's not. I would definitely let her know that you have a limited budget and space. On the whole congrats thing I totally feel you. My problem is not with my FI's step mother(she's more of a mom to him compared to his real mom) but his mom. We have been enaged for 2 1/2 months and his mom has not call, email or even Facebook to congratulate us. She kept making little remarks on his Facebook but no congrats or anything close to that. Good luck!

jennylove810

Again, thank you thank you!  FWIW, I loved the kid-throwing-temper-tantrum analogy.  I totally get that, and it's so true. And no, there has been no mention from FI's family of contributing anything to the wedding, which is fine, we certainly don't expect anything.  But I agree that had she offered to be of any kind of assistance (save emailing over 18 new names and addresses!) we might be more open to including extra people.  Hello, feeding and boozing 18 more people ain't cheap! It's good to know I'm not alone with in-law issues

alinaandjared

Banana hits it on the nail again I think this FSMIL should be told that SHE ought to through you an EP so that you can meet/mingle with all of the extended family! My parents through a small EP for DH and me when we were first engaged. We no longer live in either of our home towns and while DH had met the closest of close family friends by that point, there were several that he did not, who are regulars in my parents home. I asked my parents to tell me who she wanted to invite with the purpose of introducing DH to them, his parents, brother, grandparents, and aunt + uncle were also invited. No cousins, no OTHER aunts or uncles, etc. Only the family he was close to and my parents close friends. It was semi-celebration and semi-meet and greet.