XP Bridal shower vent (long)

toomanychoices17

So my mom is driving me crazy about my shower.... I'm having two, the first shower is for my Mom's OOT family April 29th, no issues there, this one is for June 3rd- mostly FI's family and our friends.

My Mom offered to host it and I heard through MOH and FMIL about the location and how the plans were going (my Mom thinks it should be a surprise but MOH knows I hate surprises and FMIL can't keep a secret to save her life. I didn't even ask her anything and she just told me what the favors are).  Anyway, my Mom asked me for a list of the people I'd like to invite and I sent her a version of the wedding spreadsheet Friday.. She looked at the list and called me up and said it was "way too many people"- 77 for a 220 person wedding invite list.  Is that too many? My Mom has 20 going to the April shower, so in total we have 97 shower invites (but closer to 85 people because the bridal party and the moms/my aunts are invited to both). What percentage of the guest list does everyone have going to their showers?

My impression from FMIL was that we were inviting almost everyone. I would have been totally fine with a small shower of just my close family/friends, but they told me it was being hosted in a restaurant and the things FMIL were saying made it seem like a big deal. Anyway, turns out my Mom wanted 40 guests.  FMIL has 30, which she told my mom about.  Did my Mom think I was only going to invite 10 of my 38 female wedding guests? WTF? So I worked on it and eliminated a few people on my list and a few on FMIL's and Mom's lists and got it down to 65 for the June shower. Me, FMIL and Mom now each have 31 guests between the two showers. I feel like that's fair, well obviously, since the numbers are equal. BUT my Mom is still giving me crap. She thinks that if my friends are out of state they shouldn't be invited because then it looks like I'm "gift-grubbing". What do you all think? Should I not invite my high school/college friends, who I still keep in touch with, if they most likely can't come? I don't want them to feel slighted or in the chance that they're home that weekend be left out.

This is just not what I thought I'd be dealing with in regards to the shower- it's way too stressful! FMIL has offered and reoffered to host the shower for her fam and my MOH offered to host for my friends. My Mom won't take help, but then is resentful about having to pay for the shower. I wish she'd given me and FMIL a number of guests to shoot for instead of complaining to me about the cost when the invitations are about to go out! I could of course pick my top 10 friends to invite and let FMIL have all of hers but that seems strange to me. All of my work people would be left out, and since I'm a teacher, that would mean a lot of pissy co-workers. I don't mind FMIL having so many guests in theory, she's been great through this whole process and the people she invited are all family members. Ahh! There is no real solution for dealing with my difficult mother- I feel trapped here! My parents pressured us into having such a big wedding, and now that my Mom's on the other side she doesn't want to deal with the trickle down of expense.  

I'm grateful that she's offered to throw the shower, but really, I'd prefer not to have one if she's going to call me a gift-grubber for wanting to invite my friends and acting like it's such an imposition.  It takes all the fun out of what should be a celebration....