Vent/Rant/Advice - Engagement Party (LONG)

CTJenny

My FH and I got engaged in January and our wedding is planned for next March.  He is from New Jersey but moved up here in October 2010 and we since bought a house.  His parents want to throw us an engagement party though they have not really come out and asked and/or told us this. I heard it through my future sister in-law and they have told my FH.  My future FIL asked my FH if my parents would pay for half of the party. We are footing the bulk of the wedding as this is my second and my parents paid for my first. My parents are contributing about $5k and my mom wants to buy my dress. 

All of that being said, I really don't want an engagement party.  I honestly did not want a big wedding and would have been extremely happy and content going to city hall to be married or eloping. But my FH wants his family there and I cannot blame him for that or take that away from him.  Anyway, I don't feel right registering or having a shower, forget an engagement party due to the fact that this is my second wedding.  From what my future sister in-law told me (who happens to have turned out to be one of my closest friends - she is married to my FH's bro), there was discussion between my FMIL, sisters and aunts on Saturday while they were all gathered for a birthday discussing it. I guess the bottom line is that if they want to throw one, I can't really say no (right?) but my parents will not be contributing to it. 

Anyway, I just needed to vent to people who get this whole thing.  I don't want to seem ungrateful and I'm not sure how to handle this especially since his parents never came out and said "we want to do this."  Thanks.

Vanessa630

Do you think that your FI can relay the message that your parents have 5K to contribute to the whole wedding process and they'd prefer to contribute it to the actual wedding portion.  If they only have a fixed amount to spend, there's really not much more that can be said about it. 

CTJenny

Thanks for the response. Yes, he is going to let them know about my parents' contribution. We'll see how they respond to that.

rswan412

I see where you are coming from, and I see where they are coming from. Is this FI's first marriage? If so, his parents probably don't want to miss out on getting to throw him an engagement party- does FI want an engagement party, is he impartial, or doesn't want one? I see where they wouldn't want to NOT be able to do this for him.

That being said, I totally get your point. My FMIL wanted to throw me a second shower and I did not want one. I waited until she came to me and asked me if I wanted one (she was told no by several people before she asked me), and I told her point blank I wanted one shower, with everyone together. Up until that point, I had let FI handle it.

I hate the attention also- and I also get where you are coming from. Remember though, if this is FI's first marriage, his parents haven't gotten to do any of these things yet

LandB2012

I'm sorry your so stressed but can completely understand where you're coming from.  I definitely didn't want an engagement party and still don't like the idea of a shower, but I'm getting over that.  However, I realize how tough it can be with FIs parents wanting something.  My FMIL really wanted an engagement announcement in the newspaper and said she would pay for it (and she wanted it in 2 papers, lol).  I really didn't want this so I had FI tell her nicely that he was the one who didn't want it because he's a teacher and didn't want all the students to know his business.  

Good luck - it's tough trying to please both sides but if neither you nor your FI want an engagement party, I think you can tell her that.  However, if FI wantes it - then just make sure they don't ask for money (and I think that's completely appropriate considering the circumstances).