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Family Drama... Need Advice

So I'll TRY to make this brief... but no promises, lol. FI's parents are divorced & both remarried. His step-mom is one of those go-getter planner types & I believe has already booked a huge 9 bedroom house for her whole family to stay in during the wedding weekend. She mentioned to us planning to have the rehearsal dinner there also, which 11 months out from our wedding we didn't think much of. However after talking to FI's mom about it we realized that would be a BAD idea. The two families do not get along & there's no way she would feel comfortable or show up if the rehearsal dinner was at his dad & step-mom's rented house. (Which, I wouldn't blame her for. That's a little too personal.) Both his mom & step-mom are eager to help, but it's difficult because they both live out of town. I suggested that FI just explain the situation to his dad & step-mom but he said no way, they wouldn't take it well. (Don't ask me why... I figured it's the adult thing to do, but I guess not. hah.) So we want to propose to them  OUR idea for a rehearsal dinner. We were thinking about doing something sentimental (Like having it at Downtown Disney outside the restaurant he proposed at) but how can we do this without sounding demanding & ungrateful for his step-mom's offer to host the dinner? I don't want it to come across as couplezillay (like my word?) of us to say "Thanks but no thanks, your plans aren't good enough." But I guess honesty isn't an option here. Can we just plan it ourselves & then accept any financial contributions from them if they offer? Although we can't really afford it ourselves & I'm not about to ask my family to contribute anymore then they already are. *sigh* What to do... what to do? 

Re: Family Drama... Need Advice

  • edited December 2011
    I would say to just respectfully decline. Tell her you both reallly appreciate it but it turns out the best way to keep everyone at ease and respectful to each other is having to have the rehersal dinner somehwhere else. Just be honest and explain to her the idea you had for the dinner near Disney. You guys just want everyone to get along and this plan seems to be a better way to keep the peace between everyone. I hope that helps! Good luck with everything! <3
  • edited December 2011
    ya I think that is the best idea!
  • AileeneGAileeneG member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    How many people are staying there? If all her family is staying there, then it might be packed as it is, so bringing in extra people might not fit the best.
  • edited December 2011
    I definitely agree with you all, the problem is we didn't nip it in the bud when she initially brought it up. So now it's like an unspoken understanding that we're okay with it, even though it was never officially decided. FI says we can't explain that his mom will be uncomfortable. Why? I don't know. I keep getting garbled answers but what I've managed to kind of get is we'll offend them for "caring more about her than them" by not accepting their offer to host the party. This makes no sense to ME, but you know how feuding families can be. Ho hum, I think I'm just going to leave it to him. He knows them better than I do, but he can't seem to figure out just how to approach it either. Thank you ladies, we're just going to have the get the message to them one way or another, even if their toes feel a little stepped on. 
  • AileeneGAileeneG member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would imagine that if they don't get along, your Step mom wouldn't particularly want them there anyway.  Maybe you can bring up a few ideas to her and tell her how excited you are about them and if she brings up the house, say something along the lines of, "Oh, I know it was mentioned, but I didn't know that was settled." and show the disappointment. That's like the only way I know of to drop a very stronghint. Otherwise, your FI will just have to say something even if it bothers them a bit.  Sorry there does't seem to be an easy win-win option! GL
  • Theresa626Theresa626 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If you decline, be prepared to pay for it yourself....
  • cjbwifey2010cjbwifey2010 member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Chelsea...just be honest and let them know! You and FI came up with a great idea that you thought would be really sentimental and a great addition to the day or days prior to the wedding. the place that he proposed to you to has a great restaurant and we would love to have it there because of all the emotions that are tied around it. I think once you go that route...she wont have much to say....but if she gets upset...be prepared to pay for it yourselves...at least then...everyone's feelings will be spared.
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks ladies, I think that's what we'll just have to tell them we appreciate the offer but we just had our heart set on something else. (You know pull the sappy "We've thought about how perfect it would be since the night he proposed"... lol, which is sort of true) Guess we'll have to save up just in case since we had been planning on them paying but we should really be prepared either way. We have time... it'll be fine. I just hate having to feel like I may be offending someone, you know? My family is so easy going, I'm just not used to this. Thanks again for the advice! :)
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