co-habitation?

irisheyezfsu

Co-habitation before getting married... Good/Bad idea? Why or why not?  I am just curious on range of people's ideas. 

My fiance and I just moved into our first apartment together, though I am still finishing up rent on a sublease I was living in.  My family is very again living before married, while his almost expect it. I just wanted to get a range of people's ideas on the board

meghanmcadams

It has been good for us, we will be living together 2 years when we get married. We have learned to budget together before, balance money, chores, errands, and life. I think it has helped us grow as a couple, and it helps to "ground" us. It also doesn't make me feel like I have to spend every free moment with him!

Pretty Parula

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_florida-central-florida_co-habitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:66Discussion:ce7418c4-05a0-4b83-8e87-e9876256d496Post:beb96e68-1dec-400b-93f3-f45ffd118e14">Re: co-habitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]It has been good for us, we will be living together 2 years when we get married. We have learned to budget together before, balance money, chores, errands, and life. I think it has helped us grow as a couple, and it helps to "ground" us. It also doesn't make me feel like I have to spend every free moment with him!
Posted by meghanmcadams[/QUOTE]

<div>This. We shacked up after getting engaged, but only because we were in separate cities due to jobs before that. Otherwise we would have done it sooner. Something else to consider - I think it's a good idea to figure out what you tend to argue about prior to getting married and start practicing fighting fair, or work on solving disputes without really fighting. (Wouldn't that be nice!)</div><div>
</div><div>Yes, there are religious conventions that aren't cool with it, and if that's a major part of your life then it's probably not going to go over too well. But since you're doing it, I'm gonna guess that's not the case and it's just your parents' deal. Might be part of why they haven't been supportive of the wedding, as you mentioned before, but I would imagine they'll get over it. Seriously, 10 years from now, are they still going to be lamenting the fact that their daughter 'lived in sin' for a little while? No, they're going to be too busy spoiling their grandbabies. ;)</div>

irisheyezfsu

haha wish you knew my parents, they have only recently stopped lamenting about past relationships in HIGH SCHOOL they didn't like. That was at least 5 years ago!  They tend to hold on to things, well that is an understatment. 

Religiously I am catholic and they do not approve of cohabitation but I also believe faith is very personal thing. As I am not a droid I do not agree with everything out right with the church either haha. 

The fighting issue, well we have always worked on communication, that is a big thing for us especially since we were long distance for 2.5 years before.  So talking is much all we had.  We are not really a traditional fighting couple, we tend to work things out in a normal tone (like a civil conversation, what a concept) instead of yelling or anything like that.  Though honestly when I know we are "fighting" I tend to get teary eyed which I am trying to stop, because sometimes I'm too sensitive.

We have talked about finances how we want to handle them and are preparing for more in depth convos with that now that we are engaged and living together.  My family does not know yet that we have a place since I still have my sublease. We are planning on telling them June after I go down to be in my best friends wedding/mom's birthday/father's day weekend. That way those events are happy and full of tension.

My parents and I already have agreed we need to work on communication and that is happening slowly. They are our way or highway thinkers   hence not contributing towards the wedding.

Thanks (sorry so long)

jmucheech21

IMO, it is a very good idea.  My fiance have been living together for about 16 months now and engaged for 3.  I always told him I wanted to live with the man I was going to marry before we got engaged because I wanted to make sure I was making an informed decision.  I think back to all the friends I lived with in college.. many of which were big mistakes!!  We all but killed eachother!!  I wanted to make sure my fiance would be someone that I gelled with.  And, obviously, he is because now we are getting married!!!

I'm sorry your family is giving you a hard time about things.  =(  

Pretty Parula

I totally get where you're coming from, Irish. Don't worry about having to justify yourself or your perspectives to us, btw, you can relax with us. Just don't go saying you're going to call out every guest who doesn't bring you a big enough gift. Then we'll judge you.

therockisblinding05

Good question! That's something I've wondered about on here but never asked! FI and I won't be living together before the wedding  just because we believe in saving sex for marriage. I know that makes me sound like I'm 70 but it's true haha. Living together typically implies that you are having sex so although it would be convenient for us, we didn't want people to get the wrong idea. I work for a church leading a youth group so I want my kids to see a good example of a young, hot couple in love who don't have to have sex before marriage lol .

As for the issue of fighting about certain things, FI and I already spend enough time in (soon to be) our place to have already argued about his inability to wash a dish or my obsessive need to hold the remote. While we know that there will be surprises when we actually do live together, we also want our everyday lives to feel different after the wedding. Obviously, this doesn't apply to everyone but a good number of my friends who live together before marriage see the marriage as just signing a piece of paper- we didn't want to go into it with that attitude either. I dunno if other ppl have experienced similar or different feelings but many of our friends have just ended up jaded by the whole thing after cohabitation.

But I'm sorry that people in your fam are being obnoxious about it. At the end of the day it's your life and no one should judge your adult decisions. I agree w/ Alyssa, you can relax w/ us and there's no need to justify w/ us!

meghanmcadams

Luckily the Catholic Church is slightly more laxed about living together these days, we had to answer cohabitation questions on our FOCCUS test, but it was more to make sure we weren't getting married because of pressure from family or I was pregnant. Sorry to hear your family is not happy about it!

mlharbis

I agree with therockisblind. I don't agree with living together before marriage, but I'm not going to look down on someone for it. It is each person's individual choice and is a private matter for the couple to decide.

x3Harmony534

I think it's a good idea... that being said FI & I don't live together & probably won't until we're married. I think it's important to know how you'll function in a cohabitation type situation. FI & I spend about 3 nights out of the week at his house, so it's kind of being like a divorced child bouncing from house to house, lol. I would like to move in but my family is NOT okay with it & since they are paying for the majority of the wedding I will at least respect their wishes for the next few months until we're married. They (well me too, lol) are Catholic and disagree with it for religious reasons.

cjbwifey2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_florida-central-florida_co-habitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:66Discussion:ce7418c4-05a0-4b83-8e87-e9876256d496Post:6d8be757-4344-472d-8b5c-da756be4e169">Re: co-habitation?</a>:
[QUOTE] I don't agree with living together before marriage, but I'm not going to look down on someone for it. It is each person's individual choice and is a private matter for the couple to decide.
Posted by mlharbis[/QUOTE]

<div>This!</div><div>
</div><div>Unfortunately FI subleased his apartment last month and now all his stuff is in my apt (that I live in with my BFF) until the closing at the end of the month. So i guess you can say that we have been living together (?) for about 1 month. I love having him around, dont get me wrong, but i would have much preferred to have that be something we did once we got married. We already did all of our finances together, argued about household stuff, etc., but when it came down to it, we really needed the money. I prefer to call it the "transition" stage seeing that he will be gone at the end of the month! I dont get to walk around naked around the house though, or have sex...i wanted to save those for the marriage life! lol</div><div>
</div><div>Honestly...to each their own. I dont judge. whatever you do, if it works for you...do it! Unless...like Alyssa said you come on here and B & M about the size of your gifts! LOL</div>

Pretty Parula

Yeah... got a six-year-old daughter. There was no pretending I'd never had sex before. =D

cjbwifey2010

LMBO @ Alyssa!

When i was younger, i thought that when you kissed ur husband at the wedding ceremony you got pregnant, then it went to "when you have sex..automatically you get pregnant"

i thought that all the way up until i had sex for the first time and realized i didnt get pregnant! LOL. I was a mess back then....seriously!

Pretty Parula

OMG ohhhhh Jess. So sweet and innocent...

ajuchkon

My fiance and I have lived together for (over) 2 years out of our 3 year relationship. We met in college, though, so we have almost always had roommates or someone else around. I have loved living with him before getting married and wouldn't change it for anything. Like some of the girls, I've lived with "friends" in college and we ended up hating each other- and I obviously didn't want that to happen with someone I was wanting to spend my life with!

I think the only thing I will "regret" is not having the initial "honeymoon" phase of "oh my goodness we're living together". But then again, I'm not sure I'll regret that since I feel like now we are so much more ready to be married and realistic about our expectations of each other.

MrsWhitneyAmanda

It was important to us, frowned upon by his mother, and expected by my family. All in how you're raised, I guess. The disclaimer of our cohabitation, however, was that we went into it with a wedding date already set. There was no 'if it doesn't work out, oh well' clause. It wasn't a trial type thing. We knew we were starting our life together and knew there would be tough times but we both agreed that there was no turning back. I think when a couple goes into cohabitation with that attitude that it can be a good thing.

I've known people young and old alike, however, that live together just because it seems like the next logical progression in their relationship. All those things that I mentioned DH and I NOT having when we moved in together, like a mental easy-out clause or a cavalier attitude toward the gravity of cohabitation, are or were present. Some of these relationships seem okay for now, most didn't work out in the end. In situations like this I don't agree with living together at all.

So having said all of that, I guess for me it depends on the individual couple and their attitudes and specific situation

irisheyezfsu

meganmcadams- that is great to know the church is more laxed, because having been raised and gone to catholic school all my life but university obivously it was drilled in my head that living together and sex before marriage is a sin.This took me a long time to logically get over those "catholic guilt" issues haha.

therock- oh trust me I do not think you are 70 haha. Having been very involved in my Life Teen youth group, as well as a peer minister in 3 different catholic organizations and a ccd teacher all in high school, I fully understand wanting to set a good sexual example to the high school students.  In fact until I met my FI I was totally on the side of wanting to wait till marriage. It was after dating for awhile that I realized that this is the person I would spend my life with and am fully comfortable with. When I switched teams well that surprised him haha!

Mrs. Whitney- Well he was down on one knee and ring on finger before we signed a lease together.  So this is no trail thing. 


Honestly, We love spending time around each other and since we started dating we always spent a lot of time at each other's places (mostly his, because I had terrible roomates).  When he moved away for Law school it was harder but now that we are in the same city i was over at his place all the time again.  Also as I still have student loans to pay because my parents decided that I should pay for my 95% of living expenses and college tuition, living together it was already decided I wouldn't have to pay as much towards rent till I have these behind me.  Luckily he is able to afford these expenses. Though once I can I will be contributing because that is very important to me.  


As for the comments about complaining about gifts, I would not even really care if I recieved gifts as long as everyone was happy at my wedding.  That would be the greatest gift of all to me. 

My FI and I were talking last night saying if my parents could watch how we behaved in a living situation together, how we handle things and how happy and comfortable we are that maybe they would understand better. But then again they have the 1950s strick conservative social upbringing.  It is amazing how different a few generations are.

brit21489

So... I was out of town or I would have answered this before. I lived with my FI for the school year. We are back at our parents houses, but we were already engaged and we wanted to save money for the wedding so we moved into the same room with other roommates in the house. Once the school year starts, we will have our own apartment and I can't wait!!

Therock- I know what you mean about setting a good example, but just because you are living together doesn't mean you are having sex. My FI and myself are waiting and have lived together for one school year and practically the year before that too. We have been dating for 4.5 years and still decided to wait. But I know what it looks like, so I understand your decision to stay separate. People at the church might look at you funny if you are cohabitating, even if you aren't doing anything sinful. lol

irisheyezfsu

I am proud of the ladies that desire to wait and their partners that support them in that decision. That used to be my dresired path though I am glad I changed on that decision A. because I have gotten to experience learning and growing as a couple in a new way completely different and the love that comes with it (he is my one and only) B. also because it hurts like heck the first time, well it didn't during but afterwards I felt like I was dying haha. I am happy to be able to enjoy my honeymoon night without living through that experience again.

Not to scare you ladies because sex is a wonderful experience in a loving committed relationship. But honestly it gets better the more you are together and do it haha, the first time is definitely the worse time.

Brit--  interesting you live together and no sexual things. I am sure this is very hard with temptation and second that many people don't believe you when you tell them this.  It would be assumed if you are living together. How does your family feel about this if you don't mind me asking?