Chinese Banquet Advice for Non-Chinese Bride to be -- and a bit of a vent

Wissa918

Hi everyone!

I hope you can help me.  I need some advice desperately.  So my FH and I decided to do a destination wedding - his idea not mine.  I actually don't have a large family and so I jumped on board the destination bandwagon because I thought this would be nice to keep it small and intimate. 

He's Chinese and it was me who suggested a Chinese banquet when we return.  A way to invite all our friends who couldn't make it to the wedding and a way to honor his culture.  His mom never got to have a banquet for her other son.  

Anyway, both me and the FH want to keep that small too - maybe 100 or less.  Which seems large to me but since I've been to Chinese wedding banquets I know is actually small.  We've been to some that are 300+.

So he spoke to his mom today and she wants to invite 100 of her own friends!!!  And he's telling me that this is normal and he has to honor her request.  

I am at a loss.  I don't want to disrespect my future mother in law, but I just feel like it's turning into this huge event and will end up costing us more than the destination wedding. (We were also doing destination to keep costs down).  

What do you all think?  I am not Chinese, not Asian, and my family is very different - I should mention they are putting in money and don't care how we spend it.   I find it rude of his mom to make it about her when we are paying for the banquet ourselves, but then again, I don't want to be disrespectful and go against her wishes.  

I have no idea how to handle.  

tdmaus

Honestly, i dont think, there is much you can do... if your FI agrees to invite those 100 guests for his mom alone and doesnt tell her to restrict her guest count - i'm afraid you would need to go with it... luckily, chinese banquets are not too expensive... you get a 10 course meal for 10 guests for like $300 per table here in Philly (much cheaper than having a regular sit-down reception at american restaurants)

Asians love weddings...the bigger - the better... they invite everyone to the wedding, coz it's such a big event in their culture... they even invite people they haven't seen for years... I'm in a similar situation... I'm asian, my Fi is caucasian... I dont have a big family, BUT: we have a lot of relatives... so we have to invite them all - even if i haven't met them, etc... it's annoying for us too - since we are paying for own wedding... but we have to respect my parents wishes...

vibolemily

I disagree with PP.  I'm white and my husband is Asian (not Chinese.)  Fortunately, my husband was super supportive and explained to his mom she could not invite 100 of her friends to our wedding. 

However, I think this is more of an issue between you and your FI.  My FI and I talked about our budget and we agreed to split the invites 50/50 (he got to invite 50% and I invited 50%.)  Unfortunately, my husband had to keep his list much shorter than his family wanted.  Without my husband's support it would be really hard because his mom & sister are still bringing it up to me.  I think you need to discuss it with your FI and make a decision together.  This is the first of many compromises and joint decisions you will have to make.  Particularly as an inter-cultural couple, you will be combining your cultures to form new traditions your whole life.  He should respect your concern about the size and cost and you should respect the cultural expectations on his side and try to meet somewhere in the middle.

Although you need to repect that he is Chinese and his family's culture, they also need to understand that you are not Chinese and respect your culture.  He suggested the destination wedding so it was his choice to do that instead.  Now that you are willing to do the Chinese reception, they need to appreciate your willingness to do it and not put you in an uncomfortable position where you are worrying about money and size.

Personally, I think it's ridiculous that people don't contribute to the wedding but want to invite extra people.  It's your budget, do what you can afford.  Talk it over with FI and find a compromise. 

As I said before, you are mixing two cultures, you can't do everything 100% the way the others' family always does it.  You need to compromise and meet in the middle.

Wissa918

Thanks so much for your advice!  

I told him that it's customary in my culture to split all invitations 50/50 and that because my family is small I'll gladly give some of those to his mother.  

He said he would handle.  She doesn't speak English, so it's hard for me to communicate.  I did tell him I'm willing to compromise.  Even if she budged a bit down to 60 people I'd be happy.  

It's kind of a pickle and I respect the position he's in.  We'll see what happens!  

Thanks both for the support.  I'll let you know the outcome.  

sparent2010

I am more inclined to it being okay to be a bit bigger. Most of the time in Chinese weddings the moms, aunts and family cook all or most of the food. Even if you got it catered I would suggest looking at the cost of what it would be like. 

I would talk with your FI to see if he/his family were planning on it being catered or not and where they want to have it at. There are plenty of ways of having a large party and keeping the costs down. 

It is hard in our situation as my mother is Korean and FI's dad is Laotian and they both want different things. He talks with his dad and I talk with my mom to reach a solution. Our guest list is not 50/50 we just said these are the people we need to invite and these are the people we want to invite. And made it work. 

krissyhoang

I don't think it's such a bad thing.. One thing you have to realize about Asian families and their banquets is that most guests don't buy you gifts. Instead, it is usually mandatory for each guest to give you $100/person.. I am Vietnamese and my sister-in-law had the all out banquet that costs around $40K for around 250 people.. By the end of the night, she had profited around $2k if not more....

t12ubeauty

unfortunately, many a times in Asian weddings, it feels more like the parents' wedding rather than your own. The fact that you are able to have a destination wedding is really good. make that one 100% you. 

i totally agree with krissyhoang. if you're having a Chinese banquet, you will most likely either break even or even profit. not too shabby. 

mrsR12

that is a common issue with many Asian familes.  I thankfully decided to go with the "american" banquet and not at an asian restaurant.  you and Fi def need to work it out but it is true that a table for 10 with 10 courses should not be more than $500 even in the NY (borough) or NJ.  

carolbaggett

i understand. i live in china so of course we will have the wedding in china. there will probably be 200 people there, but only 20 of them that i actually know. my fiance's father must invite all of his coworkers and people like and same for his mom. it's a bit crazy, but like someone said earlier there is the unspoken rule of you have to give at least 200 rmb if not more when you go.