July 2012 Weddings

BM with an issue or an I overreacting??

I messaged that we only need 4 people to RSVP since today is our RSVP date on the invites to one of my BM's and she's like "what?" I said we have 4 people that need to rsvp. She says "we are in the wedding party". I go yah... I'm saying out of our guest list we only need 4 more people to rsvp.. .....SERIOUSLY HOW THE F IS SHE NOT ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THAT?

VENT: From the beginning she has been an odd ball. Since FI added a GM one of his buddies from the marines I needed to pick up a BM. She is FI best mans gf. So I asked her if she would want to be one. This was back in December. She said No that she couldnt afford it. Then replied NVM that she would love to.

In March I have all my BM go dress shopping together. I messaged her letting her know the date I scheduled. She replies that if she could just go by herself. I said I would really like her to be there. So 6 out of 7 were able to attend. She showed up 30 minutes late and had a list for the consultant at davids bridal. The note consisted of 15 dresses. She only wanted to try on the ones that were on sale. I understand that obviously she stated previously money was tight. So she tries on only 4 dresses. Every picture I have of her in a dress is a sad face. She was also not fond that everyone would have to alternate the dressing room. Nobody else complained about this and nobody else had price issues. Needless to say she doesn't buy anything and buys a swatch and insists she is going to find a dress somewhere else. BM dresses are Apple Red. Its not just any simple red color. I also had other BM buy swatches and look elsewhere. Nobody found a dress outside davids bridal that matched the color. But somehow this BM did. I have only seen the dress in pictures and going to have to take her word that it matches the swatch. 

Next issue, My FSIL and Matron of honor are hosting my shower and bach party and send her an invite. She messages me and asks why I chose the bar i chose to have my bach party there? I said its my fav bar its where FI and I met. She then makes a remark about why not go to tahoe or reno for the weekend? I said because everyone I know is very tight on the money and I rather have everyone in my bridal party there then not be able to go because of expenses. She then tells me that she wont be attending my shower or my party because she will not be in town and will be house sitting for her parents. THEN WHY BRING UP THE BAR IM GOING TO??? Previously to all this drama went down between my sister and I. BM and I had a conversation that she thinks its stupid people have bridal and baby showers. She doesn't understand why she should have to buy people a gift for making a life choice. She also did not attend our baby shower last year.

Next issue, I have my hair and make up trial and I send her the pictures along with all my BM to show them. She replied with "cool". Just cool nothing else. I then send my BM the information and pricing to have their hair and make up done by the salon if they wish. She replies back with "Is any of this required?" I simply say it was a suggestion. After looking into my budget I decided why buy everyone a bunch of gifts when I can just pay for everyones hair and make up. So I remessaged her and told her that I would gift this to the BMs. She said she only wants hair. Ok.

Weeks go by and I try to chit chat with her on FB saying hey how are you how are things going and I get no response or one worded responses like good, thanks, cool. 

I dont know if she is just not into wedding chat or if there is something Ive done. I dont know how to approach the situation because if its just me making things up in my head I dont want to cause any drama. But when I talk about the things she has said or does to my other BMs they all agree she is being weird. None of them are personally friends of her and know her through her BF or through myself.

This is also the same person who threw her apple to apples cards down and stromed off upstairs because she didnt like that a girl that we were playing with was a bit intoxicated and was chit chatting more then playing at FI and I's christmas ugly sweater party last year. I confronted her on this a few days after and was like wtf happend? Even the drunk girl days later was like wtf is up her butt?

FI isnt sure what I should do either. He doesnt want to rock the boat but he does know what has been going on and how I have been feeling. He suggested that he would talk to best man but i opted out of that idea because I am honestly too afraid of drama weeks before the wedding.

Sorry for all the spelling errors or if some parts dont make sense. Im just really upset over this whole situation. petty and stupid.

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Re: BM with an issue or an I overreacting??

  • edited June 2012
    Woah, way too long. 

    This is exactly why you don't add someone to make sides even. I'm not trying to be mean, but yes I think you're overreacting. It sounds like this girl wasn't even your friend but now you're expecting her to care about all your wedding details? Why would she? I honestly don't even think anything she did was out of line. 

    Sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear.
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  • edited June 2012
    I know its long and I am sorry. We actually were friends but not SUPER close friends.We hung out in groups, we partied, we went on mini vacations with friends. But it was never solo like her and I hanging out up until this last year. I have very few female friends and seriously all of them are in my wedding party. We have become really close in this last year and she is a great friend of mine, just not friends with any of the other BMs

    I am sorry but I am one of those people who like to have even numbers. So having an odd bridal party was NOT an option for myself. 

    Honestly I can understand if she is on a tight money budget and doesnt want to buy a dress at davids or pay for hair or make up. I get it. MONEY IS TIGHT! But its more in the way she is reacting to things. Just like she just doesnt care. 
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  • Nancy00714Nancy00714 member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited June 2012
    I'm sorry but ditto eveything Meagan said.  Like you said she is your FI's best friend's girlfriend and first she said no and then she said yes (that should have been your initial sign). 

    You don't need even sides.  It's about having the important people up there with you.

    I have 6, Fi has a BM, and a GM (my bro) and our officiant (mutual good friend is serving double duty). 


    ETA: If you are thinking of giving them a gift for being there for you on your big day hair and make up isn't it.  That only helps you out.  When the day is finished what will they have to remember you by?
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  • edited June 2012
    SO because she said no then yes im automatically supposed to decline her?? I dont get that. like i said.. I like even. If this was in regards to any other WR thing people would be telling me its my wedding do what i want.. SO im having even. She is important. I never once said she wasnt! I think i just didnt make that clear that she IS my friend and one of my good friends. She is not just FI Best mans GF. It just happens to be thats her status in regards to relationship. 


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  • Sorry, I was writing my response while you were writing yours.  Well, maybe she kind of knows she wasn't in the initial line-up?  I would be pretty pissed off If I was added on because someone need an extra person to have equal sides.  And maybe I'm that kind of petty person but if someone told me no and then changed their mind I would say just say, don't worry about it.  It is a lot of responsibility and you're having money problems. 

    I say this with no offense (and maybe it just depends on what kind of person you are) but if any of my close friends asked me to be their BM I would jump at the chance and be so happy!  Or maybe she's just not that into weddings. 
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  • edited June 2012
    Honestly I just dont think she is not into weddings. She thought in december that she stumbled upon an email from her bf about a ring. She assumed it was a ring for her. Needless to say she never got any ring. 

    Her response to being asked and saying no then yes was in a 5 minute span it wasnt over a period of time either. So she made up her mind quickly. She has brought up the fact that she understood why she wasnt in the line up at first because we have a newly grown friendship and the people in the wedding party were people I have known for 10+ years or are related to FI. The 2nd time I went dress shopping I went with just her and I and she was all about it. She tried on a BM dress of the color I was liking just to see if it was what I should go with. 

    As for the BM gift make up and hair doesnt help me out. They originally going to do their own thing and wanted to. I thought it would be a nice gift since most girls enjoy getting pampered. I have no money issues. It was more the BMs who couldnt afford to take off for a weekend which I totally understand. If there was money issues I wouldnt have offered to have everyones hair and make up done at the cost that it is. I dont see giving a gift as something they will remember me by. In the long run a friendship can outlast a trinket. 

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  • It sounds like she might not be into WR stuff. Personally, I would let it go and not approach her. The last thing you want is for her to get offended and then have WP drama. So not worth it!  Also, when you talk to her, try to NOT talk about the wedding unless she asks or you need to tell her something that pertains to her (what time to show up, etc.) and make sure to ask her how things are going in her life, too. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_bm-with-an-issue-or-an-i-overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:def3e66b-d9d6-45aa-9465-dd065f8215b1Post:31227370-c7e3-46ce-b879-3e1f16c07ac5">Re: BM with an issue or an I overreacting??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Woah, way too long.  This is exactly why you don't add someone to make sides even. I'm not trying to be mean, but yes I think you're overreacting. It sounds like this girl wasn't even your friend but now you're expecting her to care about all your wedding details? Why would she? I honestly don't even think anything she did was out of line.  Sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear.
    Posted by MeaganR12[/QUOTE]

    Yup I agree with Meagan 100%.  And if she is not a super close friend like you said in your post then you should not have asked her to be your BM.  I am sorry but I think it is really petty to think that you have to have an even number of people.  Your BM's are supposed to be your true girlfriends not a fill in girl for an even number.  Did you ever think that she also may feel awkward b/c she does not know anyone else in your bridal party? 

    Hair and makeup should not be a gift.  They should be getting something NWR that they will actually use.  Sorry I know I sound like a bit*h but I just don't agree with you on this one.
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  • I agree with everything BeachLover said. Also, I just want to say to the ladies telling OP about how she shouldn't have asked this girl to be a bm after the lady hesitated. That "advice" isn't helpful whatsoever, it's in the past, and there's nothing she can do now. Plus, I'm sure she still wants this lady as a bm. But yeah, OP, I think maybe you are slightly over reacting, although it does sound frustrating. Just don't talk WR stuff to her anymore, except for things she needs to know. My first thought about the Bach party bar thing was "if money was an issue for a dress (totally understand that) then why did she want to travel to a city to go to another bar?" but I guess I don't know her living situation.
  • I agree with BeachLover - maybe she's just not into WR stuff; let it go and try to talk about other stuff with her.  I think all of us brides need to remember - no one is quite as interested in our weddings as we our.  I don't say that to offend you or anyone else; I know I need the reminder sometimes too.

    And maybe she's uncomfortable around a lot of people she doesn't know well. It sounds like she didn't like shopping with you and all your BMs, but she did enjoy it when it was just the two of you.  Does she know your other bridesmaids very well?  It sounds like she doesn't, since you've known them for years and she's a relatively recent friend.  Maybe that's why she's skipping the shower/bach. party, though I agree that it's a little wierd for her to comment on the location.  I would just let it go.

  • What the PPs said.

    Honestly just let it go. She said she'd be in your wedding so be it. Let her show up in her dress and be there for you and just move on. There's not a lot you can do about this right now other than booting her from the WP (which you don't want to do).

    I am having problems with one of my BMs, we've always had a roller coaster type of friendship and she is getting on my nerves right now, but I'm not saying anything. I asked her to be in the wedding and all she needs to do is to show up and I am going to appreciate having her.

    One more thing, please remember that nobody, I mean NOBODY will be as excited about your wedding as you are (well maybe your FI!). I don't really talk wedding with people because I know if it were the other way around, I'd be bored listening to stuff like that.
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  • Hey there, can i add one more thing... OP, you mentioned before that she saw an e-mail of her boyfriends about a ring and thought it was for her but hasn't gotten a ring yet... could her lack of enthusiasm be because she thought she would be getting married right now and she isn't.
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  • UPDATE: 

    I grew some balls and finally asked her if there was a problem or something I did. She brought up the fact we had to change plans 3 times with them and they just didnt feel like making an effort with us anymore. Well the 3 plans were changed becuase 1 my child was sick 2 we had no sitter and 3 because i had worked a 16 hour day. Basically what the shortness of her convos came down to. So i apologized and said im sorry that you felt that way but its hard for us to keep set plans when kids get sick or long days of work. 

    They dont have kids and feel like we can pick up and go whenever because they can. They also DONT want kids. So when we make plans we have to make our plans months in advance. I was talking with my Matron of honor about all this and she thinks its just silly. She said there is no reason to be short with someone because plans change, they moved over an hr away so its really hard for you guys to meet up. 


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_bm-with-an-issue-or-an-i-overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:def3e66b-d9d6-45aa-9465-dd065f8215b1Post:4f1ed5a3-c551-4037-b6d6-11324cd1e194">BM with an issue or an I overreacting??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I messaged that we only need 4 people to RSVP since today is our RSVP date on the invites to one of my BM's and she's like "what?" I said we have 4 people that need to rsvp. She says "we are in the wedding party". I go yah... I'm saying out of our guest list we only need 4 more people to rsvp.. .....SERIOUSLY HOW THE F IS SHE NOT ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THAT?<strong><u> [I would have probably thought the same thing she was.  You are most definitely over reacting about this]</u></strong> 

    VENT: From the beginning she has been an odd ball. Since FI added a GM one of his buddies from the marines I needed to pick<strong><u> [No you didn't]</u></strong> up a BM.
     
    She is FI best mans gf. So I asked her if she would want to be one. This was back in December. She said No that she couldnt afford it. Then replied NVM that she would love to. In March I have all my BM go dress shopping together. I messaged her letting her know the date I scheduled. She replies that if she could just go by herself. I said I would really like her to be there. So 6 out of 7 were able to attend. She showed up 30 minutes late and had a list for the consultant at davids bridal. The note consisted of 15 dresses. She only wanted to try on the ones that were on sale. I understand that obviously she stated previously money was tight. So she tries on only 4 dresses. Every picture I have of her in a dress is a sad face. She was also not fond that everyone would have to alternate the dressing room <strong><u>[ Does she know these girls? Maybe she just felt uncomfortable.].

    </u></strong> Nobody else complained about this and nobody else had price issues. Needless to say she doesn't buy anything and buys a swatch and insists she is going to find a dress somewhere else. BM dresses are Apple Red. Its not just any simple red color. I also had other BM buy swatches and look elsewhere. Nobody found a dress outside davids bridal that matched the color. But somehow this BM did. I have only seen the dress in pictures and going to have to take her word that it matches the swatch.  Next issue,  My FSIL and Matron of honor are hosting my shower and bach party and send her an invite. She messages me and asks why I chose the bar i chose to have my bach party there? I said its my fav bar its where FI and I met. She then makes a remark about why not go to tahoe or reno for the weekend? I said because everyone I know is very tight on the money and I rather have everyone in my bridal party there then not be able to go because of expenses. She then tells me that she wont be attending my shower or my party because she will not be in town and will be house sitting for her parents. THEN WHY BRING UP THE BAR IM GOING TO???<strong><u> [Maybe she was just trying to be friendly and start conversation?] 

    </u></strong>Previously to all this drama went down between my sister and I. BM and I had a conversation that she thinks its stupid people have bridal and baby showers. She doesn't understand why she should have to buy people a gift for making a life choice.<strong><u>[People are NEVER required to purchase a gift for anything.]

     </u></strong>She also did not attend our baby shower last year. Next issue, I have my hair and make up trial and I send her the pictures along with all my BM to show them. She replied with "cool". Just cool nothing else.<strong><u>[I see absolutely no problem here?  Three of mine didn't reply at all. It's not a big deal]</u></strong> 

    I then send my BM the information and pricing to have their hair and make up done by the salon if they wish. She replies back with "Is any of this required?" I simply say it was a suggestion. After looking into my budget I decided why buy everyone a bunch of gifts when I can just pay for everyones hair and make up. So I remessaged her and told her that I would gift this to the BMs. <strong><u>[Hair and Makeup shouldn't be considered a gift.]

    </u></strong> She said she only wants hair. Ok. Weeks go by and I try to chit chat with her on FB saying hey how are you how are things going and I get no response or one worded responses like good, thanks, cool.  I dont know if she is just not into wedding chat or if there is something Ive done. I dont know how to approach the situation because if its just me making things up in my head I dont want to cause any drama. But when I talk about the things she has said or does to my other BMs they all agree she is being weird. None of them are personally friends of her and know her through her BF or through myself. This is also the same person who threw her apple to apples cards down and stromed off upstairs because she didnt like that a girl that we were playing with was a bit intoxicated and was chit chatting more then playing at FI and I's christmas ugly sweater party last year. I confronted her on this a few days after and was like wtf happend? Even the drunk girl days later was like wtf is up her butt? FI isnt sure what I should do either. He doesnt want to rock the boat but he does know what has been going on and how I have been feeling. He suggested that he would talk to best man but i opted out of that idea because I am honestly too afraid of drama weeks before the wedding. Sorry for all the spelling errors or if some parts dont make sense. Im just really upset over this whole situation. petty and stupid.
    Posted by Melissa.hylton[/QUOTE]

    I put my answers to most of this in bolded and underlined format above.  Frankly, If I were here, I would have dropped out of your wedding long ago.  You do seem to be really overreacting about a lot of things.  The one thing I can understand is the Apples to Apples thing, but there may have been more to her feelings at that time.  It seems like you are just looking out for you and not even really caring about her at all.  You keep saying that she isn't giving much a response about your wedding, and yet, have you even gone to see the dress she picked out?  According to your post, you haven't.  I am also not the type to sit and have a conversation via FB messages.  Try giving her a call and talking to her about her life and leave wedding stuff out of it.
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  • edited June 2012
    The reason I havent seen her dress is because she lives over an hr away. My son plays teeball and every weekend since March there has been a game. I have been quite occupied with boy scouts, tee ball and family events. If it wasnt for that I would love to go down and see her dress. As most of you have seen my weeks have been non stop action packed between driving my son across town to his old school since we moved, driving FI to work at 5 am since his car is out of commisson, tee ball, boy scouts, WR stuff, camping, family bdays and events. My life is really busy so making time is really hard for me. 

    I dont see how gifting a pampering session is not a gift. If im paying $55 per person and I have 7 to pay for Im shelling out quite alot just in that alone. I asked about jewerly and everyone is allergic to this and that. So make up and hair seemed like a great idea. I could careless if we stuck to org. plans of hair and make up but I am doing this for them, NOT for me. 

    As for the other listings its more what I found odd not that was the problem im having. Im more upset that she is short with me. That she barely speaks to me when I try to talk with her. She knows a couple of BM and I have tried to get them together for hang outs and stuff but she just doesnt care to know any of them. 


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