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FMIL Issues!!!

My parents are paying for the wedding (by choice) and so we gave FI and his family an allotment of guests to invite. FI's family has money and wants to be able to pay for things they want but that is a big no because my family wants to do it traditionally and have the brides family take care of everything (my family is not as fortunate as his).

So we asked for the guest list... My FMIL refuses to give it to me because she says that she has family from out of town and country that will not come that she must invite and does not want that included in her allotment. I explained to her that I cannot risk that they show up. She insists they wont come.. but still will not give me a total number of people she would want to invite (including the guests she says will not come). I have no idea if we are fighting about 5 extra people or 50 because she will not tell me or FI. She is holding the list hostage and when FI threatened to make his own list, she threatened not to show!

Ps they have suggested an "A" list and a "B' list but i feel that idea is a little tacky and what if the B list finds out they are B list..!

Has anyone else had crazy guest list issues?? Please tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!!
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Re: FMIL Issues!!!

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    REINATAPIAREINATAPIA member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow that's a sticky situation you are in since so many things wedding related have to do with the number of guests. I have to say though that if my FMIL were to offer to pay for some part of the wedding, I would be more than delighted. I would not do an A list and B list, people talk and now in days with technology and all the B list is bound to find out they were B listed. I suggest you take out your FMIL for coffee and explain to her your concerns, let her know that you are having sleepless nights over this and don't want it to cause you and your FI anymore stress than you already have. Also don't give her the invites, ask for her list and you send them out. Good Luck!
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    Krysta6Krysta6 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would just tell them that there is a chance that you will include everyone, just give you the list and then you get to CUT! lol My parents are paying for the wedding and we wanted to have 80 people at the wedding total. My mom and dad each gave us a list with over 40 people on it. They didn't even consider FI family or even our friends. We comprimised and agreed we could have a 100-120 person wedding but we also made a lot of cuts on their lists. My rule: If they wouldn't know who I was passing by in the mall they are not invited! This is about us joining families not about my parents getting to invite everyone they know who has never met us!

    Sorry your going through this! I've had guest list drama the entire time!
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    edited December 2011
    It's a funny situation because I kind of feel like whoever pays gets what they want. But in this case your FMIL is more than willing to pay, but you won't allow her to pay.

    There are only a few choices here:
    1. You stand firm, and she only gets her allotted guests
    2. You allow her to invite who she wants as long as she pays for anyone outside of her allotment.
    3. You let her do her tiered invites (a-list, b-list) and she must stay within her allotment.

    To be honest, #2 sounds like the easiest solution. I guess that you need to figure out what is the most important ideal for everyone involved. Your family thinks tradition is important. FMIL thinks family is important. What is most important to you and FI?
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    edited December 2011
    That's a tough situation. The PP have given some great ideas, hopefully one of them will be helpful for your situation!
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    edited December 2011
    I actually had a different situation, FMIL said they couldnt afford to help and my parents said they would only pay for my family so FI and I wuld have to pick up the difference. Being financially hard up we made a list that cut almost everyone from FI side, my FI was happy but i told him to sit  back and wait. Sure enough after fmIL saw the list she said they will pay, and i was willing to split the guest but she is going to pay for FI's whole side now. I would let you FMIL pay for her guest like she wants. If your parents arent as financially stable as her then honestly, dont let pride (if it is) get in the way. Let his mother chip in bc this might be her way of "helping" because she might feel she wont get to help elsewhere. MOG mostly get left out and so she might feel this way and might be hoding on to this for that reason. (unfounded maybe but still)

    P.s. My FMIL doesnt want to help with ANYTHING bc she feels she is in the way so im really on the opposite side.
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    edited December 2011
    wow, I am sorry! My FMIL is stalling giving me addresses so guess what! They won't be invited if she waits too long, I dont care its not my family! If she is that petty that she won't come to her own sons wedding I wouldn't want her there, let her be a brat.
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with the ladies above - Option 2 would be good. If she wants an additional 5-10 ppl and she can afford it then why not. It's important for her to feel like she's contributing something to the wedding. You could also have a heart-to-heart conversation that a lot is riding on the amount of people for your wedding. Your vendors are requiring deposits that all depend on the number of ppl and if you don't receive it by a certain date, then they will have to release your date and you'll have to start all over.
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