Major wedding funk....

adrielegorburu

This is a bit personal but I'm so frustrated I'm not sure what to do.  I started planning my wedding in January and from the word "go" my mother has been a problem.  We lost my father last year and thats one of the reasons FI and I waited a year after our proposal to start planning (Dad passed less then two months after the proposal)~ I knew the process wouldnt be easy on her.  BUT I would be ok if she was just sad or whatever.  Instead she has done everything in her power to hurt me, cause problems for me and basically ruin my wedding.  It's like she hates me.  I dont know why she is acting the way she does and I want to be patient with her and understanding but this isnt grief.  It's something else.  She tells me the most awful things like I shouldnt be having a wedding at all, that i'm inconsiderate to do so, that I'm being extravagent for no reason and I dont deserve it.  She has caused problems between me and one of my cousins by spreading rumors about how I made her a bridesmaid and then "fired" her as one without telling anyone and how she was devestated blah blah blah.... (this was a much bigger sh*$storm than it sounds like) when I never made her a bridesmaid and she couldnt care less!  Yesterday she told me that what I am planning isnt a wedding - it's a night club party and she wont go because she wont go to any wedding where she cant be with her grandchildren when she cant have her husband there -

What about her daughter that is getting married?  What about that? I'm so upset about this I dont know what to do.  She called to apologize but is still stirring up problems.  Now she has taken to Facebook to post status updates about how weddings are about "FAMILY" including grandchildren blah blah blah..... If my sister doesnt want to have her kids at my wedding so she can have a good time....who cares...... I'm done.  I'm sorry about the vent..... it all makes me want to cancel and elope.....

courtneybrooke921

Uh. I'm so sorry you are going through this First and foremost, I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your father.

It sounds like your mother is at a complete loss and doesn't know how to cope. To be fair, I feel awful -- however, she should use this wedding to embrace her happiness and family and HELP you rather then HURT you. Explain to her that you have to move on and you're ecstatic to marry your fiance and you can't do it without her -- hopefully a light will go off and she'll realize how immature and hurtful she's being.

Knottie vibes hon

RU3234

Aww hun! I am sorry you are going thru this. I understand though. I am actually working the other way, my mom passed and my Dad is trying to ruin my wedding.
What I did was, this past weekend, I sat him down and told him I understand its hard without Mom (his wife) and I that I miss her too but I know she loved Fi and would be so happy to be a part of this and I needed his support. I explained why we are doing some of the things that we are doing and he needed to accept it or not be a part of the planning process. If he still doesnt accept it then it will be a day time decision whether to have him there.
You need to explain to her that this is YOUR wedding. I assume, your hurting cause your dad isnt there, as well. Make sure she knows that this is how you and Fi want to ring in your life together and you need her support since you only have 1 parent.
As for your sister, I would have your sis explain that she wants a night out and see if you can compromise, kids there for a little while then leaving.
GL Hun!

sambrefe67

I am so sorry to hear about your father.  I am also beyond sorry to hear about the situation you are going through with your mother.  I do not have much advice to give.  My mom is always a drama queen and always makes me feel small.  Its been something I've had many many years to deal with.  I will send as many vibes as my body can give....hope it all works out for you. Try and focus on the positive things, like that fact you and FI are going to spend the rest of your lives together

adrielegorburu

Karen~ I'm sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation.  I have tried to talk to her about it, and I'll keep trying because she is my mother and I want (NEED) her support.  But I'm afraid that she wont stop... and I wont let her drive me nuts or ruin my wedding.  I cant let her....

RU3234

You CANT let her! You are getting down to crunch time. Put your foot down with her! It may help or it may not but you need to let her know that you are doing the best you can!

twinkle82576

Adriel, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a truly horrible situation. I really don't know what to tell you except put your foot down. She is your mother, and what child doesn't want their parents to be a part of their wedding day? But, she needs to back off and act like a mother. I'm sure she's just acting out of sadness for the loss of your father, but this is supposed to be a happy time for everyone. Just have a serious talk with her.

millenia98

I'm so sorry. You both are going through such a rough time. Major major hugs to you. I understand that it is just as rough for you as it is for your Mom and you are awesome for realizing that your Mom isn't dealing well.

Just give her some time. She will definitely come around. It would hurt her more than you for her not to be involved in her daughter's - she is just majorly acting up right now.

Can you plan without her for a while so that you can both de-stress...then, bring her back in after a few weeks have gone by? I think she needs some time away from this. As it is, wedding planning is majorly majorly stressful without the situation you're in.

I'm so sorry. I can sort of relate in a way with how  I'm dealing with my father and if you need to talk, let me know.

adrielegorburu

Thanks Christina - I wasnt actually going to say anything on here but I remember you opening up and I'm so upset I knew knottie vibes would help me!  I havent involved her at all with the planning because of how she has been.  I even went wedding dress shopping without her on purpose.  The only way she could be less involved is by not going.  The more she acts up the less I involve her and the more upset she gets - so the more she acts up.  The sad thing is we are both missing out on all the wonderful things that can pass between a daughter and mother during this process.  I think I'm angry at her because of that.... Thank you again guys.  I hate airing dirty laundry but this board is my only support other than FI right now.....

TheJennius

It does sound like she's taking the alternative route to grief: anger. Sometimes we cope by being mad at everyone, for no reason, and it's not fair, it's not pretty, but it happens. You're doing a good job at being understanding and calm, but you have got to take a stance at one point. Like the girls said, she WILL come around, don't worry, try to enjoy the last two months of planning you have left.

Shelter yourself in knowing your fiance and friends are there for you, and pray for your mum, it mustn't be easy for her, I'm sorry this is happening to both you and her. Be strong for her, and you'l see, she'll come around

Lacey36

Aww I am so sorry to hear about this and the loss of your father. It seems your mom is still having a hard time dealing with the loss of your dad and maybe seeing you move on, maybe she feels shes losing you too and saying hurtful things but she doesnt realize it. You always hurt the ones you love the most. Maybe she is also having a hard time dealing with the fact that her daughter is getting married and that your dad will not physically be there with her the celebrate so that could be hard on her. I hope things work out, maybe your sister can talk to her and tell her about the kids and all. Hang in there.

frequentflyer911

I'm so sorry for the lost of your father and that you are going through this with your mother. wow, i'm not taking her side, but i can really understand to a point how she is feeling in the fact that she is watching you plan your wedding to the man that you love, that you will have a marriage, a family, someone to come home to and that was taken away from her so its hard for her because that just reminder her of if all, ( i don't know if i'm explaining myself right, its like when your in a relatonship and you break up right before v-day all you see are couple together or people receiving flowers so it make you sad, angree, depressed and all of the above and it may even be a friend or family member that you may see and you really want to be happy for them but your heart is hurting so much that you don't know how to) i hope that explained it a little better. I think that giving her a little space and maybe doing some wedding stuff without her at times maybe help like chris said.  I don't know what kind of relationship your parents had, but maybe saying something alone the line of, Mom i know that this is a hard time for you not having dad around, but its for me also, but i would love your support in as much as you can when you can and when your not up to doing something just let me know. I just want to have a marriage, a family, just like you and dad did, and i admire you for it, so i want you to see the same for me.

I hope i did go to far with this, if i did i appologize. HTH, and will send tons of vibes your way

Z

bears4life

awww hunny, I'm so sorry for the loss of your father and also sorry that you're going through this situation with your mom. She definately isn't healed yet, and you're doing a good job at being understanding with that. Perhaps, she's in a way scared of "losing" you being that you're getting married...if you know what I mean. I know you've sat down and spoken to her before, but don't give up on her yet. Try and talk to her again calmly, let her know that you feel her pain, and also let her know that it's hard enough for you not to have 1 parent there at your wedding, let alone 2 (if she doesn't come). I'm thinking about you and sending you major vibes. If you need to talk or someone to just listen to you, feel free to email me gabiabratt@gmail.com! xoxo