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I don't want a flower girl...vent (long)

Okay, so I don't want kids at our wedding. We are having a very small wedding of 50 of our closest friends and family, so it only makes sense to me that we only invite those who can understand the significance of the wedding day...i.e. adults.

Well, FI wanted his niece at the wedding, and he went ahead and invited her without telling me (even though he knew I didn't want kids in attendance)...I found out when the rsvp came...keep in mind we haven't even sent out invitations, but his mother rsvp'ed on our website for herself, his stepfather, his sister and his niece.

I decided to let the invite to his niece slide...I understand why he wants her there, even though I'd prefer an adult-only affair.

Well, now he's saying he wants her as a flower girl! Even if I wanted kids in attendance, I still wouldn't want kids in the bridal party. I think the bridal party should be made up of those people who have supported you most, and whom will also will support you in your marriage...and no 5 year-old can quite live up to that imao!

FI told me that I can't make all the decisions, and called me a "knotzi" Yes, that's right, a nazi knottie. I tried to explain to him that we are compromising about this already: I don't even want the child in attendance, but I am allowing her to attend, so he should compromise about having her in the wedding party. He said he still wants her to be a flower girl.

To top it all off, this kid is a terror. As in failing-out-of-kindergarten-because-she's-that-bad-at-following-directions terror. She directly defies her teacher, and even runs out of the classroom and outside when she doesn't want to do what she's told. Even if I wanted a flower girl, I certainly wouldn't choose a badly behaved one! If she did misbehave, FI and I are the only ones who could put her in her place, because we're the only family members who don't put up with her crap...and I don't really feel like spending my wedding day as a disciplinarian.

Anyway, I just wanted to express my frustration. Maybe I AM a knotzi! :(

Re: I don't want a flower girl...vent (long)

  • edited December 2011
    Oh geez, sorry, it really is long!!
  • edited December 2011
    I would tell the FI that his niece has not proven to be responsible enough (ie. behavior and age) to be a flower girl and you don't want her throwing a tantrum halfway down the aisle, as the opener to the your entrance, which should be memorable (in a good way). This happened at my friends wedding: the ring bearer which was her FI's nephew was about 4 years old and started crying and didn't even make it all the way down the aisle.
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  • edited December 2011
    Maybe you should speak with your FI and together have a heart to heart talk with his niece.  Let her know that she is very special and very important because she is going to be the only "youngster" there.  Maybe if you can get her on board with you and feel special and important, she'll play the part. 

    I know you have strong feelings about the wedding, but let him also put in his ideas.  I just wouldn't want this to be a start of a huge problem for you - in regards to stress, your relationship with FI, and your relationship (as a couple) with mom and sister (who's child we are discussing).  If it really concerns you maybe also have a heart to heart with the sister to see if she can help support you in trying to encourage her to be on her best behavior.

    And if it's 50 of your closest, friends and relatives, they should understand especially if they have kids of their own if she has a meltdown... :c/  HTH!!! xxox  GL, and keep us posted. 
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  • danzigweddingdanzigwedding member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    kids at weddings seems to be a sensitive subject on the knot...so some may think you're being a "knotzi"..but I'm totally with you. If you dont want kids, you dont want kids. However if i were you, I'd probably just give in since she'd be the only kid there.--but i wouldnt be happy about it. Maybe you can say, "I'll compromise with you on anything else, but please let me have this one".
    is there anything else he wants that you're not too keen on? 

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  • Krysta6Krysta6 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would express your concern to him about her behavior and what it could look like on your wedding day. We aren't inviting children at the wedding except my little cousin is going to be our ring bearer (he will be 3 at my wedding) so I'm hoping we won't have a temper tantrum down the aisle 
  • edited December 2011

    I think you should just really talk to him about her behaivor and focus on your fear that she will misbehave - say you posted on here and heard horror stories - i completely makeup knot blogs when I want to convince my fiance I am right on a topic about the wedding - he trusts ya'll more than me I guess and would never check to see if the convo really happened haha.  and here is a real horror story, so you only have to make up one or two, my sisters step daughter started running around them in circles while they were saying their vows screaming at the top of her lungs - that was pretty bad.  My sisters husband had to end up holding her while he said the vows cause no one else could calm her down.

    But I would say tread lightly also, I don't know how close your FI is to his neice, but I was on his side of this coin until I put a stop to it and said no one can tell me my neices and nephews can't be in the wedding (maybe I'm a wedding Nazi too)  I have 7 - they are all in it and I am excited for it and totally know someone will do something crazy but I am just hoping its the cute crazy. (the step daughter is not in it and will be at her moms house in pheonix, shes also now 16)  Anyways, I am just saying if he is close I would understand him getting mad - I got really mad when my  FMIL and FSIL told me I couldn't have 7 kids - it still gets me angry and this was settled months and months ago.  So it's hard - I kinda think with this stuff you gotta go with the side that its most important to - so if it is more important to you than you should win and let your FI win on something else (like other girls said) but if its more important to him than maybe go the other way??

    If she is a terror, I'd try to sit her down and talk to her before the wedding regardless of if she is in it or not, cause you don't want her going all exorcist at any point.  Maybe offer her a prize if she behaves the whole time? Something little, little kids are easy to bribe. 

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  • edited December 2011
    Ditto Cabiera :)
    South Florida July Siggy Challenge-Bouquet image . image image ................. Invited:120image Attending:121 image Declined:001image Not Yet Replied:0image RSVP Date: July 25th Ready to Roll!!
  • edited December 2011

    This isn't in favor of one way or the other... I just found it amusing and wanted to share.

    I was talking to my mom last week about a flower quote and mentioned how it included flower wreathes for the flower girls' hair, and she told me this story.

    When we were younger, I was the flower girl and my brother was the ring bearer in my aunt's wedding.  I had a flower wreathe in my hair, and my little brother got so mad that he didn't get one (he must have been about 1 1/2) that he had a temper tantrum in the back of the church.  He also refused to carry the ring pillow with him down the aisle... but she said when the time came for him to walk, he calmly walked down the aisle with his hands together (like in prayer) and everyone said he looked like a perfect angel.

    image

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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_florida-south-florida_dont-want-flower-girlvent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:67Discussion:ab7bc075-895a-48ec-ba4c-da6d7f093882Post:5727fa12-909f-40c8-a6ac-080ceddbd477">Re: I don't want a flower girl...vent (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you should just really talk to him about her behaivor and focus on your fear that she will misbehave - say you posted on here and heard horror stories -<strong> i completely makeup knot blogs when I want to convince my fiance I am right on a topic about the wedding</strong> - he trusts ya'll more than me I guess and would never check to see if the convo really happened haha. 
    Posted by quiggels219[/QUOTE]

    That's hilarious! So funny! Part of the reason I don't want children attendants is because I have so many horror stories that I've witnessed myself, which I've already discussed with him...including asking him about when HE was a ring bearer. (He drank champagne and then peed his pants, lol).

    Honestly, my FI realizes that his niece is a terror, and it drives him crazy because he knows its because his sister is a terrible mom. As far as any sort of "rift" between us - this is us. I'm outspoken and dramatic, and FI thinks its hilarious to see my squirm. Sometimes I can't tell how serious he is about certain arguments, because I think he's just trying to see me freak out. But in this case I kept asking him if he was joking, and he kept telling me that he wasn't joking.

    Anyway, thanks for all your thoughts and responses. Rest assured, there will be no children attendants at my wedding! Why? Because I'm right about this one! :)
  • edited December 2011
    I definitly feel your pain.. I would love an adult only wedding too.. but I have 3 kids, so thats not happening.. however if i didn't i would surely be as upset as you are.. that said if he feels so strongly about it maybe you should think about it a little more.. i mean you still have some time and children can change quickly.  :-\
  • edited December 2011
    Diana, I could see why you have to have kids at the wedding if they're your own! :)

    Honestly, I might compromise, but the compromise would be that she comes down the aisle first - prior to the real bridal party, and then she goes and sits with her family. Then I'll pretend that she didn't walk down the aisle at all.
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