(DISCLAIMER: This is supposed to be a parody. Funny. Not to be taken seriously. So if you're easily offended, I suggest you walk away. Capisch? Moving on...)TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOU'RE NOT MY BRIDESMAID
1. We haven't talked in several months / a couple of years, and the last time we did, it was a text that ended with "K."
2. When you heard I was engaged, instead of being happy for me, you posted this on my Facebook wall: "Wow...lolz."
3. When you met my fiance you told me he was a hot piece of arse ... and sort of tried to flirt. / When you met my fiance you told me I could do better ... but still tried to flirt.
4. Your idea of a succesful weekend is drinking your way to a one night stand, and not ending up in jail. Thus you'll get wasted during the reception and most likely try to get the groomsmen to play crotch tag with you.
5. The idea of taking you to a bridal boutique to shop for dresses makes my mother reach into her purse for some Valium.
6. I can picture you trying to ask me to pay for you dress, claiming financial distress - only to find out you flew to Cabo last weekend.
7. You would change into another dress for the reception (without telling me), because the one you're wearing is not
sexy enough for you.
8. We're not even
that close. You've only just started to be friendlier with me since I got engaged and my wedding planning started. Holmes would speculate you're trying to be part of the bridal party for the spotlight. Watson would agree.
9. "Volunteering? Duties? What?! B*tch should be happy I'm in her wedding!"
Exactly.10. You are probably already counting on me to ask you to be at least my bridesmaid, and you'll be deeply offended if I choose my sister over you for maid of honour.