Engaged but no ring - need advice!!

loloSC419

Hi ladies!! I am a brand new fiance (October 23, 2009!) and I'm in a bit of a quandry.  My fiance asked me to marry him, but he hasn't been able to purchase a ring yet.  We both agree that we are absolutely engaged, even with no ring. Many of our friends & family members think differently and have no problem correcting me when I use the words "engaged" or "fiance" - usually with "you don't have a ring yet so it's not real!" But it IS real. It's real to Future Hubby & I - isn't that all that matters? When he asked me to marry him, he told me quite honestly that he's saving for a ring but he wants to commit ourselves to each other now, and I agreed whole-heartedly with him. He's the love of my life, and all we want is some support! How can I get others to take us seriously?Thanks, and I'm so excited to be a brand new Knottie!Lauren

msdjennings

Why worry about something symbolic when you have something real "the love between you two".  Some people don't exchange rings when they get married, others do.  We get so caught up in tradition when the only thing that really matters is that you two have promised yourselves to each other and are working towards making that happen.Enjoy your engagement and your relationship.  Don't let anyone take that away from you.

tafft1

A ring is just a symbol of the commitment you both are agreed to. If people think a ring is so important go get a plastic one out of a box of cracker jacks. Seriously though it's only as important as you allow it to be. I understand how some may view it as not real but that's their hangup and society or actually maybe it's more of the jewelry industry has a way of dictating how an engagement ring is supposed to also be 2 months salary , blah blah. Throw that junk out the window and be happy that you have an amazing person that wants to spend their life with you , and if the people in your life cant appreciate that then it is not worth worrying about. Congrats and be happy !

REM2008

Congrats on your engagement!!!Lauren, I can totally relate to your situation!!!!  I don't have my ring yet either. It's coming soon!  We have our wedding plans set - we're getting married this March in Maui.  I STILL have people around me saying things like, "Well, you don't have a ring?"  I respond and say, "WE decided to get married this winter and so we made our plans".  Honestly, I think they're just jealous!!  I know a lot of people who didn't have an engagement ring and/or got one later.  Welcome to the boards and happy planning!!!

skichica622

I'm surprised in this economy people would be saying such things! I'm in a similar situation because bf was laid off (although he refuses to propose until he has a ring so we call ourselves "engaged in spirit."). Some family friends were asking about where my ring is and as soon as he said he was laid off they were like "OH GOSH OF COURSE SO SORRY!" Just make people feel bad for being materialistic and then it'll all work out! )

BillsGN Bride

While an e-ring is traditional it's not necessary! As long as the two of you are committed to each other, that's the important thing.  I'd suggest being blunt with people, tell them that you are making plans to marry and that the ring is in the works too!

hillaryeggert

Quick answer: stop worrying about them and start planning! :)You two agreed to marry each other just a couple weeks ago, so maybe your family and friends are the type who need something tangible to understand how serious you are.  Pick the date and book your church or reception venue, for example - something firm.  Right now, it probably seems like an idea to your family rather than a plan.  So, make it a plan!  Also, look at how you respond to their comments.  Don't whine, "But it's real to US!"  Instead, try a smartly snide comment like, "We'll pick a ring eventually, but we would never be so materialistic to think you need a diamond on your finger to be engaged.  Don't you agree?" It will probably quiet them up nicely. :)Engagement is planning for your marriage, which you can do just fine with or without a ring on your hand.  Good luck and enjoy the planning!

mwhitson14

How long have you two been together? You could just say, you know what, even without a ring, we've been together all these years, and we know we're getting married, so we're engaged. A ring doesn't make an engagement, knowing you want to get married does.

$equoia

My suggestion, keep a lollipop ring in your purse with you.  When ever someone makes a remark about your "not real" engagement, pipe up with; "Well the thing is I didn't want to embarrass you all with the size of my ring.  Quite frankly it is quite cumbersome.  Fine if it is so important to you I will put it on."  Once you put the lollipop ring on, you can then explain as all the other ladies have, it is a symbol.  If they are so hung up on the symbol no wonder the divorce rate is so high.  Let them know that it is the commitment of your love that is important to you both not the bling and if they can not understand your and your fiance's commitment without this symbol, you insist that they hold their comments to themselves as it is hurting you and as the best mom's have always said; "If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all."Good Luck LaurenSequoia

schuette2

I usually lurk, but I thought I'd put in my 2 cents this time. We had this same issue until Oct 1 this year when we got the ring in place. Until then, our usual comeback was a bit rude, but it stopped the question. My favorite was usually (after being asked "Where's your ring?") "Where are your manners? Can't you just be happy for us, knowing we're happy without the shiny stuff?" His was more along the lines of "so you won't be joining in our celebration, then?" Our family was fine and understood, it was a few friends that that didn't get it, along with coworkers, etc. Our guest list is still pretty low... ; )

I <3 Seabass

I would chalk it up to jealousy and bitterness. Of course it's real and you are engaged whether they choose to accept it or not. And I agree with pp, in this economy can't believe people are so hung up on you not having a ring. They should be applauding your FI for not over extending himself.

Bethbethbethbeth

Tell people you don't need a blood diamond to prove your love! hehe.  I didn't get my ring until 6 months after we were engaged. Yes, some people would ask to see the ring and I'd have to have a slightly awkward moment when I had to tell them I didnt have one yet; but ultimately it was worth the wait.

Anon I. Mouse

I would not even play into their own issues. I do not have a e-ring as I said I did not want one when my FI asked me. There are a few reasons for that including that I don't wear a lot of jewellery, our engagement is only ten weeks long and we would both rather save the money for other fun things! No one hassles me about it biut I'd they did I would not even bother. We are engaged and we are getting married Instead we both are getting beautiful exotic wedding rings too. I love that the first time either of us will wear a ring on that fourth finger is when we exchange them at or ceremony. Believe it or not the engagement ring is not common in all cultures and is still rather new in western culture - driven by marketing and he idea men must prove they can take care of the woman. Bleh. No need to be other than honest with people about why you don't have one. Their interpretations of that are their own crap.

mlcuffee

Im in the exact same situation and just like what the other ladies have said not having a ring doesnt change anything.  Girl just keep planning and besides you can put that money towards your wedding! Good luck and congrats on your engagment!!!!!!

loloSC419

ya'll are fantastic! thanks so much for the great responses!!

nchriste1

Hi! Personally when my fiancee and I got engaged, we didnt have the $$$ available to buy an actual engagement ring and we really couldnt find any ones we liked. We actually found 2 rings we liked at Wal-Mart for $10.00  and we were engaged for a month before that and yea it was 100% real we just didnt have the ring.  I would just tell people, "Hey we're saving for a ring, we dont have the money for em right now but we are definately engaged"

lilcassers

that is rude for the family to correct you. Engagement is a meaning and a feeling... not jsut a ring. In fact, it is quite common in todays time to go pick out rings together. So you have fun with your FIANCEE and happy wedding planning

jortiz1

Lauren,I can totally relate. My FI asked me to marry him right after he graduated art school. We had NO money. A couple of weeks later he bought me a $100 ring. He would joke and say it's a promise ring... a "I promise to get more money and buy you a better ring." It was our little joke. In September we put the deposit down on the ceremony site and reception. On Halloween I got my "real" ring (1.5k princess solitaire). The only reason I really wanted my "real" ring was because my promise ring could not work with a wedding band. My family is now really excited and say how happy they are that we are finally engaged. It's really hurtful but FI and I decided that the only thing that matters is how the both of us feel. Don't let others make you feel bad. Congrats on your engagement!

kdqueen16

Congrats on your engagement! I am in a similar boat, but not exactly the same. My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years almost and we know for sure and for certain that we are going to get married. We have the place, time, date and everything set... only thing missing is the ring... It's been a really hard situation so I understand the stress and frustration that comes from it. In fact when people ask me why I know so much about my wedding and why I know so much about my honeymoon I prefer to tell them that I am "engaged to be engaged". He is buying the ring soon and we plan to get "engaged" in a week or two. My advice to you is not to worry about what other people say. I have been really quiet about the whole thing except with my closest friends and family so I have not told people that we are officially engaged. It's a miserable place to be. I can't wait to be able to show people the ring and "prove" that we are actually getting married! I know how you feel! Congrats once again, Kae

vevans1

I liked the idea about just going down to walmart and get a 10 dollars ring for the time while you are saving money. There are several cute very inexpensive rings at jamesavery.com that would def. work. Don't worry about what other people think... just start planning the wedding and they will know yall are serious. CONGRATS!

hope1009

First of all, tell them to go shove off. We decided to get married a few months ago, we have everything done for next year. Yet when people ask me at work oh where are you going in september, I tell them I am getting married and then have to run through the story that we decided, no ring yet, blah blah blah, one girl actually had the nerve to say and I quote "I hope your just looking at stuff and not putting money down." So lucky i didn't trow something at her. Both of our parents have been married for 30 plus years without a "rock, e-ring etc". There is nothing new to this phenomenon, it happens and to me it actually meant more, because we agreed to get married, not because of a big sparkler but because we truly love each other sooo much. We just went out and bought the e-ring this week, but I still look at is an a bonus, not a necessity. Some of the best most wonderful marriages come from the simplest of engagements. You can just say your doing it "vintage." They'll have no clue, but like i said, our parents are still married.....with just a shiny gold wedding band.

ManyPenguins

I agree that it doesn't take a ring to be engaged. People can be so rude sometimes.

Here's a suggestion...if it's so important to them that you have a ring, perhaps there's a family heirloom ring that they would like to loan you until the two of you decide the time has come to purchase your own. If not, they should let it go. And if you aren't comfortable with wearing someone elses ring, don't do it because you feel pressured. Your engagement is about you and FI. Do what's right for you.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I don't have my ring yet because my FI wants to surprise me with it. However, we both decided, as consenting adults, that we wanted to get married, and that we would set a date and start planning. This was 2 months ago and we have a venue, so yes, I certainly consider myself to be engaged. The commitment to marry each other and planning for a wedding means a lot more than some piece of jewelry! Just keep correcting people when they correct you. If they say, "No, your BOYFRIEND" say, "No, we're engaged, he's my fiance," without further explanation.

SarahPLiz

hmmmm.. we bought a house together instead of investing in apiece of jewelry. It was a much smarter investement at the time. I did get a ring later, but to me, that commitment was already made a long time ago.

I take substance over form any day

signingjulie

People can shove it.  I was engaged for a month without a ring.  FI proposed on a whim, we went shopping for the ring later, and I got exactly what I wanted.  In the meantime I fooled people with a $15 JC Penney's knockoff. 

Ishaba11

I am in the same boat. We had what we call an "unofficial" proposal. He asked me to marry him back in August and he really wanted to get me what I wanted for a ring and he couldnt afford it yet so we agreed to marry each other but I still dont have a ring.  However, we have since set a date and are ready to start our lives together. FI refused to be "officially" engaged until there is a ring but we consider ourselves engaged. I dont refer to him as my Fiance to avoid this whole "but there is no ring issue". I know the "official" proposal with a ring is coming soon so hopefully soon we can be "engaged" to everyone else in our lives.

nebbiolo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-but-ring-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:10483368Post:22b3703d-0eb0-4aae-acef-9aa547aad56d">Re: Engaged but no ring - need advice!!</a>:
[QUOTE]hmmmm.. we bought a house together instead of investing in apiece of jewelry. It was a much smarter investement at the time. I did get a ring later, but to me, that commitment was already made a long time ago. I take substance over form any day
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]


This is the route we're going too. The housing market is just too good to pass up - we're putting our money towards a house, then the ring, then the wedding.  We aren't telling folks we're engaged yet, but will once we get the ring. We both know we want to marry each other and this is what works for us!

Vintagelove4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-but-ring-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:10483368Post:62697933">Engaged but no ring - need advice!!</a>:
[QUOTE]A ring is just a symbol of the commitment you both are agreed to. If people think a ring is so important go get a plastic one out of a box of cracker jacks. Seriously though it's only as important as you allow it to be. I understand how some may view it as not real but that's their hangup and society or actually maybe it's more of the jewelry industry has a way of dictating how an engagement ring is supposed to also be 2 months salary , blah blah. Throw that junk out the window and be happy that you have an amazing person that wants to spend their life with you , and if the people in your life cant appreciate that then it is not worth worrying about. Congrats and be happy !
Posted by tafft1[/QUOTE]

This. Congrats on your engagement!