Advice

joesbelle

Hey all! I'm not really newly engaged, I've been engaged since September, but I thought here was the best place for this. Has anyone done pre-marriage counseling? Or have advice or thoughts on it? Thanks! Belle

lookame3639

I haven't done pre-marriage concelling but I think it's a good idea it prepares you with a good set of skills for talking with your partner. it also helps straighten out what you both want out of your future relationship

Anon I. Mouse

We have not, however we have both done a lot of individual counseling, or even counseling in past relationships, and both know we are willing to go if required. We have also both done a lot of self-development in more non-traditional workshops and courses and learned a lot about self-responsibility for our own feelings and reactions. My partner is starting more personal counseling again for some things that have come up with him recently as a result of his past military service. I have offered as well that I am willing to go anytime he needs. As at the end of the day, even joint counseling really is all about "you" as an individual.We are open and honest with one another about everything - from finances, to the deepest and darkest fears and shames, to jealousies, to anger, about our ex's, about our attractions to others, about our joy and love, and so on - we really do talk about everything. Sometimes it is scary for us both to share some of the things we do, or hear them, but I can say we both are extremely close for it..and while we have both had many relationships in our lives, what we have together as a result of this is something we both feel blessed to have as it is quite unlike anything else. I can say that if we did not have this and had NOT done all that personal work on ourselves before we ever even met, neither of us would of been ready to get married - we definitely would not have had such a healthy relationship. Neither of us is "messed up", but I will say EVERYONE on this earth has some form of "stuff", and it's great to learn how to acknowledge, appreciate and accept that "stuff". At this point, we are committed to continuing our personal growth and relationship growth with more of those workshops and such in the future, and counseling if we desire, however we do not at this time feel it is required. I would suggest if you have NEVER been to counseling, it is most definitely a GREAT idea. I do recommend some individual sessions in there though too, and I do recommend looking for a good counselor who works for both of you, and that you are both willing and eager to be honest with each other and yourselves. From what I understand, many who get married in religious ceremonies are required to take pre-marital, however I also understand often some of this just covers the "basics" or the "surface" stuff (at least that is my understanding from friends of mine who have gone)...I do recommend going beyond that and really keeping in mind that counseling is a wonderful gift to yourself.

I <3 Seabass

We haven't done it, but I think that it's definitely a positive thing.

PinkElephantsOnParade

I would live together for a year or two. It helps you to decide how to split up chores, manage money, and communicate better.

TheSquirrelsRWatching

Living together before hand isn't that important. Learning to listen and understand one another is. Things are going to upset you/him no matter whether you live together before or after. The key is to learning compromise and communication. These are the things counseling helps with. We're doing counseling. It helps cover all the topics that you might not even think about. It also helps determine your/his expectations and see how those either fit, compromise, or are just unrealistic.

simplebride_24

My FI and I have been living together for almost 4 years (it will be 4 in June). Neither of us are religious, so we are not getting married in a church, we are getting married in the same place as our reception. We are not doing pre-marriage counseling. Here it is only offered if you are married in a church or synagogue. We have been together long enough, lived together long enough, that we know where we are. He takes care of the budget and I take care of the house. You just have to know each other, and what you want. If you know that you are fine. Thats how we decided not to do the counseling.

bellezza33

We were required to attend pre-marital counseling in order to be married in a Catholic church (Pre Cana).  I was nervous about it because I'm not the most devout Catholic.  However, it was surprisingly secular.  Yes, it was run by franciscan friars, but they talked quite a bit about handling various situations as a couple.  We covered how to fight fairly, how to handle personal finances as a couple, children, elderly parents... some things that you may not be thinking about at this point.  I would definitely recommend this, or a non-church-sponsored program.  I also think that the group aspect helps.  It can be good to do some role playing activities with others, and see how others handle things differently.  Our experience was very positive.

ejsaeger

Like bellezza, we had to go through pre-marital counseling to be married in the Episcopal church. Our experience has really just been a rehearsal for the rehearsal. We read through the ceremony at our first meeting. At our second meeting, we took a personality test and briefly discussed how we handle various situations, our feelings on having children and the like. For our last session, we will practice our vows. I didn't get much out of our counseling in the way of conflict management and things like that, so if your church doesn't offer that and you're interested, you may look to an independent counselor.

afnault

We are doing pre-marital counseling. It was never a question for us whether or not we would- we knew it was something we both wanted to go through. So far it has been wonderful and very helpful. We've been able to discuss things we hadn't really considered (not just living together things- important things about how we communicate, show our love, and feel about various issues). It is also helpful to have an educated outsiders opinion and guidance in our discussions. I know that our pre-marital counseling has been a valuable asset to our relationship. Studies show that pre-marital counseling helps build healthier, stronger marriages. That is, of course, depending on the dedication of both people... Also, just throwing this out there, people who live together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce. So I would highly suggest pre-marital counseling

laurenclaire1386

Neither FI nor I is really religious, so we won't be going through a religious counseling type thing.  I consider the time we've been living together pre marital counseling.  We've figured out a lot about one another and what it's like to see someone at their best and worst, day in day out.  Although frowned upon by most religious institutions, I think living together before marriage is the best form of pre marital counseling.  Sort of like test driving a car before you buy it.  I know that sounds terrible, but it's good to know if someone's day to day habits drive you bananas, rather than figure that out after you're legally bound to one another.  It's a lot easier to break a lease than get a divorce. The point of pre marital counseling is to know what you're getting into before you do it, and I think however a couple chooses to do that is acceptable.

phut_action

We just had our first meeting with our priest, and took our online survey. We havent gotten our "results" yet, but we discussed a few of the questions while taking the test (which you're not really supposed to do, you're supposed to discuss them with your counsellor, but since the point is to bring up the topics we thought it was ok). I love it, i mean, its not easy talking about some of this stuff and its a little uncomfortable, but since I'm really interested in what my fiancee thinks about all this stuff its kinda fun. Its a good way to bring up questions without just blurting out, "SO who's gonna handle our finances, me or you?" "You wanna send our kids to public or private school?" "How to you plan on disciplining our children?" "Do you wish we spent more time together?" Its important stuff to talk about. I definitely strongly recommend it.

kaunilogan

I'm in the same boat as Simplebride and LaurenClaire. FI and I have been together for going on 8 yrs and we've lived together since 2005. We are not doing premarital counseling because we've been living premarital for 4 years. I don't think there's much more that we could talk about or find out about each other than we already have. It's all up to you and your FI though. For some people, they need that outside person. For others like me, I'm open enough and comfortable enough with the two of us discussing stuff that I really don't see why we'd need someone else to be there to hear it. Good luck to you though, whichever decision you make

amymelissa2002

We are joining the couples ministry at my church and I also belive that we are required to meet with our pastor before he will marry us.  I think this is an important way to begin a marriage. In myfamily we are religious/spiritual. So for us we believe that you are making a lifelong commitment before God and counseling before hand makes sure that you have the right map before you begin your journey

jolynn326

My guy and I haven't gone through our counseling yet, but we will be required to by our pastor. I don't want to be mean, but I think that we'll end up not getting much out of it from those few sessions. That's not to say that I don't think counseling is beneficial and maybe even necessary. I do. I just feel that the two of us have been very proactive already in learning about each other, conflict management, etc. We have read several books together and interacted with many married couples whom we admire. Still, it's always beneficial to get an outside perspective on things--it helps us stay honest and not get caught up in our emotions but rather see the truth about our behaviors, past hurts, etc. Three books that I have read and would highly recommend are Before You Plan Your Wedding, Plan Your Marriage, Love and Respect, and The 5 Love Languages. Those three have been so helpful in different ways. So, even if you're not satisfied with the counseling you've received or aren't sure that you would like to do formal counseling sessions, there is still a lot you can do to be proactive about building a strong and united marriage.In my opinion, living together doesn't replace counseling and learning more about one another. There are plenty of married couples who are living together who aren't happy in their relationships. Also, I think that there is always more to learn about one another because we constantly grow and change. Therefore, I see effective counseling and relationship building as more than just sharing feelings with one another. I feel that it should concern how we interact with one another, make decisions, love and respect one another, etc. I'm so excited you asked this question! It's something I care a lot about (building the marriage and not just planning the wedding). Hope my response helps!

tayley

My FI's dad is marrying us, and since he's a baptist pastor, he's requiring us to go through pre-marital counseling with him. I know a lot of people worry about it and think it'll be a chore, but we've been having a blast with it! We've gotten to talk through a lot of different stuff, and we're really learning a lot about each other. Since we've never lived together, this has been extremely helpful, and I think it will help us keep small issues from becoming major problems in our marriage!Good luck deciding whether to do it or not!!!

jpharis

Most people think you only get pre marital counseling if you are getting married in a church, but that is not the case. You can get pre-marital counseling anywhere! I highly recommend it. I have been married for 4 months and have loved married life. There are things that will come up that you totally will not expect in the first days of marriage that if you have not learned more about each other and yourself, have not really learned how to communicate, etc through pre marital counseling it can make the adjustment for both of you maybe a little more stressful that it needs to be. Living together before marriage does not necessarily help with this.

Jane Domian

My husband (of 65 days!), went through a nasty divorce and never thought he'd get married again. He did a lot of introspection and went through counseling on the "why's" of his failed marriage. His counselor recommended "The 5 Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. When we started dating, he asked me to read it, too, and I found it to be a valuable tool in helping us with our relationship. Two other books that were helpful to us are: "For Men Only" and "For Women Only" by Shaunte and Jeff Feldhahn. We found that by reading these books and talking about them allowed us to understand ourselves and each other better. We also lived together before we got married, but that was more for me. I am old(er) (!), and had never been married before and really needed to know if living with someone was do-able. To be truthful, it was a little tough at first for me. Fortunately, we worked through the little conflicts and I adjusted after a short while. And married life has been wonderful! Obviously, everyone has to make their own choice whether or not to go through premarital counseling. But I think if you and your fiance are able to talk about everything and anything - including the tough subjects - then you should be okay. Open communication is SO important!

youngin12

We sort of went through premartial counseling. My dad is a Baptist preacher and he is performing the ceremony. In our state, if you go through premarital counseling(minimum of 4 hours)  you get the marriage license for $35 instead of $100, so my dad just made us watch the movie Fireproof and read the book Love Dare that goes along with the movie. It is a fantastic movie and great book. In my opinion, living together is the best counseling possible. My fiance and I have lived together for 2 years and it is the best counseling. I also have friends that just got married and did the premaritial counseling and they say that they got nothing out of it. They did not live together until after they were married.It is really up to you. Everyone sees it differently.

bingham101

We did a lot of pre marital counseling. We met twice with our pastor. He asked us to read Love and Respect. Which is an interesting book. I think the seminars would have been more entertaining but anyway. And then we met with a couple that does marriage counseling for free in our community. We took an online test that showed how we communicate and how compatible we were with each other. It was pretty scary luckily we came back compatible… not sure what happens if you don’t. I was really nervous about it but they worked on ways to recognize the needs of your partner and how they are different from your own. We talked a little bit about finances but mostly about how to communicate. Some body said that pre marital counseling is just offered to people who go through a pastor. In some states the department the sells the marriage license has a four hour class you can take and it may make your license cheaper. Also there are marriage counselors out there, mostly its just a requirement if you get married in a church but still a good idea if you don’t.

christine825_us

I would say that it depends on how self aware and mature you guys are.  If you are on the younger side, I would definately suggest it.

dieselsmomma

We did it (mandatory with the church we were getting married at), and I thought it was pretty cool. We met a total of 4 times. We did an online quiz about the different types of love people have and which one are yours and which are your fiances. Our counselor basically talked about the different ways we interpreted love and how we shouldn't think that the way we interpret love is the way everyone else does. I can't find it online. I'm glad we did it. It did nothing but make me feel even more secure in my decision to marry my now husband

stacelace22

Some states actually require it now. I am in Minnesota, and by law they require a pre parital course/counseling. I think it is good for building communication skills. Also, just a FYI....living together before marriage is not in any way the same as counseling or taking a course. Actually....the studies show exactly the opposite.

nefariousmango

We won't be doing pre-marriage counseling, but we work hard at being open and honest with each other and have been living together and sharing finances for three years.   Also, when I had my head injury many years ago, FI came to sessions with me every so often.  I was working on coping with a loss of cognitive abilities and got angry really easily, and it took a lot of patience for FI to take care of me in spite of my anger.  So, I do think that counseling can be really helpful.My best friend is in med school and has always hated counseling/ therapy but she's fascinated by psychiatric drugs and brain chemistry and to go further in that direction she had to do a year of clinical/talk therapy.  Now that she's started, she LOVES it!  It's really, really helped her get her life together and communicate better, and this was a girl who was always organized and communicative so I think counseling can benefit anybody, no matter how perfect we are ;-)

UAallison83

I am in a weird boat as well. I was raised baptist, and FI is catholic. I am considering converting, but it won't be before the wedding. We aren't sure how this will work, or if we will just end up choosing a local psychologist to talk with. I do want to point out BTW that in GA if you take a signed certificate stating you have completed pre-marital counseling, you will get a discount on your marriage license. Not saying to do it for that reason, but its a nice bonus if you are planning on going through with it.

dojo1

My fiance and I did ours through KettleCreek Weddings (it's available in almost every state and in Canada where we did ours).  Fiance wasn't that into it when I put the idea to him, but he actually really enjoyed it once we got going. We both loved our counselor (if that's what you'd call him) and we have asked him to officiate our wedding.  I found the counseling really helpful because it made us both alive to issues that may come up in the future that we might not have thought about today - We had already covered a lot of the big stuff between ourselves (obviously) but there were definitely some surprises for both of us when it came to some of the details we had not considered. It also really confirmed for me that we were making the right choice to get married and that we were both going into it with our eyes open. 

gibberish

I have and it was great!It really solidified what we already knew about each other and it opened lines of communication, especially about stuff that we would not even thought about!the funniest part was that on some topics we were on complete opposites sides of the spectrum, but that was mainly because of the way we read the questions. different perspectives lolIt really does help you to learn about each other differently, like thought processes.I highly recommend it for anyone, it's not just a "church thing" it covers a lot of topics that will help the marriage even if you had been living together previously.HTH =)p.s. it's not a compatibility test, it just highlights things that need to be talked about and worked on.

hope1009

It's absolutely your choice. I was married once before and we did pre-marriage counseling and we got a divorce. It's doesn't say yes this is going to be a great and perfect marriage that lasts a lifetime or no you don't agree on anything, it's not going to last a life time. It's purely the couples choice and is a means of opening up communication lines and gaining a new and possibly deeper perspective on each other if that hasn't been done already through open conversation. This time around I am marrying a wonderful guy, we both talk about everything, from kids to finances to even the smallest things (which way to put the toilet paper roll on). I think it helps that we are both in public serves (firefighter and nurse). On that note, we aren't doing counseling, a. cause we both do not belong to a set religion and b. we formally talked about every legit item before I packed my life up and moved to DC with him. So it is purely objective, but do what your heart feels it's the right thing to do, it doesn't hurt, thats for sure!