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Just Engaged and Proposals

the engagement ring

my fiance and i didn't have a typical proposal. we just kind of agreed to just do it, we didn't have a ring though. when we told his parents they were so happy and his mom gave me her ring from her previous wedding with her sons birthstones on them. problem is i have had my engagement and wedding band pick out since like before i met him. i don't know if i should just get suck it up and take her ring or if i should tell them. if so, how i should break it to them without breaking their heart, they're all pretty emotional? 
could us any feed back!

Re: the engagement ring

  • edited August 2010
    You'll be wearing it the rest of your life, you should have what you want; just find a polite and respectful way to decline her offer, thank her for her generosity but tell her you and FI have something in mind that you fell in love with and are going to wait for.

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  • shihtzulover1shihtzulover1 member
    10 Comments
    edited August 2010
    Oh wow - this is a really tough situation  Unfortunately, only you know them well enough to make a good guess regarding how upset they will be, and only you know just how badly you want the other ring.

    I definitely feel for you though.  Some people are very emotional and love the idea of heirloom rings.  To me though, it would never really seem like *my* ring that my fiance picked out just for me (or that we picked out as a couple).  I would rather have something new and fresh to symolize the beginning of our lives together, but I know that many do not feel this way.

    I don't know what i would do if I were in that situation. It was definitely very thoughtful and generous of her to offer it to you, but I would probably feel especially weird about the fact that it has her sons' birthstones in it.  I suppose that I would probably bring it up with him alone, and see how he feels about it, but only if I knew that it wouldn't completely hurt his feelings.  If I were to do this, I would make sure to let him know how appreciative you are, and that you are honored that she offered the ring to you, but just that you have something else in mind.

    Good luck! :)


    "In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different" - Coco Chanel
  • ki10ki10 member
    100 Comments
    Would it be at all possible to suggest that, while the gesture is amazingly generous and thoughtful, she should keep her ring because it has special meaning for her as a mother to all her sons, not just your FI? Or you could ask to use the centerstone, if there is one, or just your FI's birthstone in the setting on the e-ring you want, perhaps?

    Heirlooms rings are not uncommon, and they frequently need some kind of alteration to please the new couple. Reusing heirloom stones or recasting/plating the metal can save a great deal of money as well. I don't think it's unreasonable to hold out for the exact right ring when it's something you'll wear everyday (so long as you two can afford it), and it's great that you're trying to be careful of her feelings, and I think the best option is to combine the two ideas. I vote that your FI brings the topic up with her. Technically the ring is probably being offered to him to give to you, being an e-ring and from his family, so he should run point on communications about it. He's also more qualified to know what his mother wants, and his opinion is relevant. So, you and he should decide what you want to do.
  • You've had your engagement ring picked out since before you even met him? What about, I don't know, what he wants to get you? I'm sorry, that just seems a little weird to me.
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  • The weird thing is her ring seems personalized to her with her son's birthstones and all.  Plus it sounds like its from a failed marriage, so that would bug me.  I'd try to get what you like, but be open to him too. 
  • I would decline her offer and wear the ring you have already purchased. I have never heard of wedding rings having children's birthstones in them. That is usually a mother's ring or something. We got my mom one of those one year.
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  • In Response to Re: the engagement ring:
    [QUOTE]I would decline her offer and wear the ring you have already purchased. I have never heard of wedding rings having children's birthstones in them. That is usually a mother's ring or something. We got my mom one of those one year.
    Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

    I don't believe the OP has a ring purchased at all. She said she and her FI agreed to get engaged without a ring. Her question was then whether she should wear FMIL's ring or if she should go with FI and buy the ring that OP has had picked out since before she met FI.

    OP- I don't think you need to wear the heirloom ring. You can tell her it was a nice thought, but that you and FI will get something of your own.

    But I do think it's too much to ask him to go buy you the ring you picked out before you met him. I think it's weird you picked out a ring before you even met FI. Go ring shopping with him, maybe even go look at the ring you've "picked out" but make the decision with your FI. Try on different rings, see what looks nice and make sure that it's affordable for him.

    Also, is your FI aware that you want an official engagement ring? I would assume he is, but I just want to make sure that this isn't something you're expecting and he's not (such as, you agreed to get engaged without a ring so he thought you could wear his mom's but you thought you'd go buy one together).

  • Have you talked with your FI about this?  Was he planning on getting you an e-ring?  I think this is more of a conversation that needs to be had with your FI before you talk to his mom.  

    And I agree with MissySue.  The birthstone ring is something for the mothers, not really an e-ring for you.  
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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited August 2010
    In Response to Re: the engagement ring:
    [QUOTE]Have you talked with your FI about this?  Was he planning on getting you an e-ring?  I think this is more of a conversation that needs to be had with your FI before you talk to his mom.   And I agree with MissySue.  The birthstone ring is something for the mothers, not really an e-ring for you.  
    Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]

    This.

    You and your FI need to decide together what to do. The two of you need to discuss your feelings about the two E-rings. Also discuss cost. Can you afford to get your dream ring?

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  • Since you are on the one wearing it I would explain to them that you greatly appreicate your FMIL letting you borrow her e-ring while you work on getting your's. Tell her that you would love to keep this ring as well for a ring to wear on your right hand after you get your ring. You have the right to get your own ring if you do not love this one.

  • In Response to Re: the engagement ring:
    [QUOTE]The weird thing is her ring seems personalized to her with her son's birthstones and all.  Plus it sounds like its from a failed marriage, so that would bug me.  I'd try to get what you like, but be open to him too. 
    Posted by desertmomnm[/QUOTE]

    so pick the ring you want. I do not know if she will happy to pass the ring to your kids, like a inherit if you have a girl for some meaning.
  • IMO, his mother's ring holds so much meaning and sentiment to HER (I mean, it has both sons' birthstones, after all), that I would not feel comfortable wearing it as "my" engagement ring. ((In my mind, it would forever be "her" ring))

    I went through something similar... my fiance's mother offered her engagement ring/wedding band set to him and I. While it was a beautiful gesture, it is also the ring set that she has worn daily since her husband, my fiance's father, passed away... about 15 years ago. I could not carry around that kind of sentiment from another's relationship as a memento of my own. I felt horrid telling her that, but it is how I felt. I did say though that it would be a beautiful gesture and gladly accepted if she chose to leave the rings to her first-born grandchild as a family heirloom.
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  • As mentioned before, if you are not comfortable with the ring you should say something but there is a chance if you were to keep the ring, as time goes on you may change your mind about the ring.

    Let me share my scenerio with you:
    I never told my FI what I wanted. I told him whatever ring he purchased is the ring I wanted. In my mind, I have always been attracted to the "flashy" rings but when he proposed it was a simple thin gold ring with a single diamond. This ring holds sentimental value because this was his mother's ring. She passed away 11 years ago and he was really close to his mother. His father kept the ring and was the one who told my FI if he wants to give his mother's ring to me he can. So with that being said, even if I did tell my FI what kind of ring I wanted or even if this is not the ring I imagined, I couldn't and wouldn't have the heart to tell my FI, I don't want this ring especially with the thought and sentiments put into it :)


  • Ooh, tricky situation. I agree with the poster that said it was a sweet gesture, but truly, the heirloom ring only means something to her, not to you. Pick out a set that you and your fiance can afford (perhaps your dream set), but accept his mother's ring to wear as a right hand ring or to pass down to your children.  

    My fiance went through a similiar situation: his father offered him his mother's engagement ring. I have not seen this ring, but according to my fiance,  I would have hated it. Thankfully, my fiance had already purchased my e-ring, but had not yet told his parents. So, that was his easy out.
     
    Having said that, when we had dinner with them right after we got engaged, I thanked both of his parents for the offer of the ring and told them how sweet and generous it was. They are totally ok with the fact that I didn't take it.

    But, that's my two cents: do what you feel is right for you.
  • thanks everyone for your help. i spoke with my fiance about this and he already knew where i was coming from, and felt the same way. he said somethings that i was thinking before i had a chance to say. we decided we were gonna keep the ring but get a set that meant something to us. oh and i didn't literally mean i picked the ring out before i met him (exaggeration!) i had just seen a set once that i fell in love with.
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