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Just Engaged and Proposals

Too Soon?

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Re: Too Soon?

  • It depends on a lot. I know that many people agree with the rules said by the PPs.

    FI and I are young (21 and 22) and still finishing our degrees (we have a financial plan, even though we're not debt free). 

    were highschool sweethearts (friends for a little while, dating for 4 years, engaged for 1 year, we will be married in 2 months) 

    We are also both Christian, and we have decided that living together and acting married before we are (ie: sex, combining finances, etc) is not a good idea for us, so for us, the "paper" will actually mark a transition of things being different. 

    We discuss finances and have similar budget distributions as individuals anyways, but we have also discussed how we will divide our money as a couple. We have not lived together or been physically intimate beyond a kiss.

    We have also completed premarital counselling, and it has only confirmed everything that we felt, thought, and believed before beginning.

    Congratulations :)
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  • I was actually with my previous boyfriend for 7 years when I met my fiance.  We were friends first,b ut we had a strong connection instantly.  I knew I had to get out of my prior relationship because I could not get my now fiance out of my head.  I broke up with my boyfriend and was only with my fiance for 15 months when we got engaged.  Call us crazy, but we knew as soon as we went on our first date.  I was with someone for 7 years and never, ever felt that way about him.  Only you know if it is too soon.  You are the best judge.  People told me I was moving too fast, but honestly, we have lived together for almost a year now and I am still crazy about him! Listen to your heart on this one!
  • Congrats on your engagment!

    I agree with all PP's. I think every situation is different and if you and your FI think that you are 120% positive about all this, then go for it.

    I have known my FI for 12 years, and we have been dating for 10 and engaged for what will be 2years when we get married so we know plenty of each other and have been through a lot together.

    Just be prepared and make sure that this is what you both want.

    Congrats again!
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  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited March 2012
    Congrats!

    I am one of the few who will not tell you you're too young, because I don't think it matters as much as some other factors. I know my FMIL is 64 and one of the most immature people I have ever met in my life. I also know that at 22, I have seen and dealt with a lot of F-ed up, "real world" stuff.

    My grandma (mom) did not like FI at first because he is 8 years older than me, so when I was 18, he was 26 (now 22 and 30). This freaked her out. She thought less of him because he had not finished college and because he did not have a "prestigious" occupation (yeah my grandma is kind of a snob, I know). She wanted me to end it. After a while though, she realized he was not a creeper or a bum. 

    My grandma's opinion mattered a lot to me, but I refused to write my FI off just because she took issue with his age and occupation. He proved to her he was a nice guy, and I proved that I was serious about him. I'm just attracted to older men who have their shiit together, and he does. I also wanted to have kids young, and he is ready, whereas a lot of younger guys are not. 

    So what I'm telling you is, if YOU, as an adult, feel that you are ready for this commitment, which is not something we can decide for you, then if YOU stick by it and show your loved ones you are serious about this, I think they may begin to change their tune. 

    I know you never want to hear it when people are concerned about you and try to talk you out of things, but legitimately listen to their concerns. They love you. They aren't trying to be mean. They think they know best, but not always. 

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  • My fiance and I dated for three years before we became engaged. I actually wanted to get engaged one year into the relationship, and I would become frustrated with each Valentine's Day, birthday, etc. when he didn't 'pop the question'. But now, I can say that I'm so grateful that he waited. We've been through so much, and we've seen all sides of each other. So I know without a doubt that he is the right one for me, and something about waiting makes the engagement that much sweeter. I should note that me and my fiance are born-again believers we're waiting until we get married to have sex. Plus I'm 22, and he's 25. Our courtship was long enough for us to not feel like we're rushing into marriage, and for people to respect our relationship (it feels good to have the full support of those closest to me). It wasn't too long either. We have started a business together, and it feels right for us to take this to the next level. We want to become a stronger team for Christ (and become more intitmiate with one another) But this is what worked for me.

    For anyone else, I would say that if you're in your twenties you should date for at least a year. You need to know a person long enough till you get out of that 'honeymoon' phase, so that you can see their true colors, and your compalibility. Any older, at least six months.
  • You have a great head on your shoulder and seem to know what you want! someone will always think its "too soon"  but only you and your FH know whats right for you! My hubby and I dated for almost a year before we got engaged (moved in together after 8months). We got married 3 months later! (he was getting deployed and we didnt want to wait because we knew we were perfect for eachother). We are both 21, i also have a 4yr old from a pervous relationship and my hubbys her dad and he loves her like she is his! and we are now rounding our 1st aniversary and we couldnt be happier. So if thats what you want go for it and good luck!!!!
  • No, I do not think it is too early. My fiance and I got engaged after only dating about a month. We had gone to high school together, I wasn't to fond of him then. I was a very stuck up girl then and he was...well, who he is, wonderful. It wasn't until four years later that him and I reconnected through my best friend, his younger brother. Ryan, my fiance, was serving over in Afghanistan when we starting dating. After his tour ended he came back home, met my family and asked my mother's permission to marry me. After meeting my family one time my mother said yes. We have been engaged for a year now and will be getting married this September.

    When you know, you know. Don't let all these other people tell you you are too young. You aren't. Love is love. The Lord brought this man into your life for a reason and that reason is for you two to spend your lives together. You can have these feelings that you may be too young, I did, but they will soon go away. You will have those friends and family that will doubt the relationship but you need to show them that the two of you are serious and this isn't just a fling. That this is real. Congratulations. This is the happiest time of your life, so let it be.
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  • I think that only you can really know when it's the right time. I have friends that only dated for 3-6 months before getting engaged and some dated for years. I think a lot of it depends on how mature you are, how well you know yourself, and ofcourse the other person. I have had 2 previous long term relationships before meeting my FI, in neither did I even feel like he was the one, and from the 3rd date with FI I just knew. Goodluck and congrats!
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  • edited March 2012

    Agree with PP's but i think if you were friends before hand you pretty much know all of their bad habits. You're likely to know the person much better when you start off as friends because in my opinion you don't hide the little habits from your friends that you would in a new relationship.

    My FH and I were friends for about 2 years before we started dating.. I watched him go through several break ups, a suicide of a close friend and he helped me to leave the bad relationship I was currently in.

    After we started dating we moved in together pretty quickly (6 months) and he proposed a week before our 1 year anniversary.

    I wanted a longer engagement 2 years not to make sure that I wanted to marry him as i already know, but more to give myself more time to save and plan. At the time we get married we will have been dating for three years (getting married on our original anniversary) and we will have known each other for 5!

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  • Congratulations! I agree with what a lot of people are saying, as long as you've had those "serious" talks and know you're on a good, stable and happy path together, only a couple can really know if they're "ready".
    I would agree with some suggestions about extending the engagement for a while than the typical year just so you can ENJOY being engaged and doing the whole planning thing...and probably pleasing critical friends and family around you.
    Although it's most important that you two are happy, I know how much more you'll be able to enjoy your marriage when you have the true love and support of the important people around you!Laughing
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  • My FI and I have known each other for 4 years: we were friends for 7 months before we started dating, dated for 2 1/2 years before we got engaged and will have completed a 15+ month engagement before we are married.

    I really feel like I know him, his goals, his expectations and his personality and they align very well with mine. I have no doubt that ours will be a very long and happy marriage.

    I would have a long engagement, personally, if I were you just to test the waters and have a sense of the other person's direction. You get to truly know a person over time and through life events.
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  • I don't have much of anything different, but make sure you have talked about and agreed on the big areas of your lives. You are young, so if you do take it slow that is great, but I am also a firm believer in it is your own unique situation and sometimes you just know.

     My fiance and I got engaged very early in our relationship, but we had a special circumstance where we were able to spend lots and lots of time with each other (even without living together!), were very open with everything we talked about, were slightly older (26&27) and told ourselves we had to get in at least one huge fight before we were engaged. We also planned several sessions more of pre-marital counseling than we needed just to establish our communication and conflict resolution skills. I and no one really around us feel it is a wrong decision!
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  • I have friends who are coming up to their "8 month anniversary" and if they were to get engaged right now I would have a heart attack, I would be happy for them, but yes, it is much too soon. But thats my opinion. I can't negate your decision because I don't know you. But I can give you a little insight to my story.
    My grandparents met and got married all within a month and they have been married for almost 51 years, they're amazing people and have definitely molded how i feel about love and marriage. They have had a long lasting relationship because they got married and waited for 4 years until they had children so if you are getting married and plan on having kiddos right away I strongly disagree with that.
    I also strongly disagree with marriage before you are late 24 or older. (used to be 25 but I am getting married right before I turn 25) only because I know the person I am now is NO WHERE near the person I was when I was 20. When I was 20 I was just barely figuring anything out and now I am much more mature and ready for the comittment that comes along with marriage, except the kids part. 
    Before I met Jeremy I was a completely different person. I dated and was engaged to the guy I went to my senior prom with, it literally took me moving to Arizona for a few months to break us up. Looking back at it now it is the BEST thing that ever happened to me but at the time I was a wreck, that was 4 years of my life gone. 
    Jeremy and I met in March of 2010 and moved in together in July of 2010, we got engaged September 2011 and we're getting married August 31, 2012. So I can not preach to you about how to not move fast in life we have been together 2 years and we're getting married in 5 1/2 months but I can say really take your time to be young because when you are older you're really going to realize how much the way you talk, the way you feel and the way you love someone has changed over the years. 
    Being with Joe I thought I could never love anyone more but I realize that was the young person in me talking. With Jeremy my thoughts and what I stood for in life has been challenged and I can safely say that he is the only person I would take a bullet for. 
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  • We were only together 6 months before getting engaged. Just like you said, we talked about it a good deal and we know that we're forever - so what's the point. We aren't rushing into anything just like you aren't. I think some people claim "it's too soon" or "you're rushing it" because they're jealous or afraid, etc... There is a couple at my church that have been together for 30+ years.. They met on a Sunday, had lunch on Monday, got engaged Tuesday, and were married Wednesday. THREE DAYS of knowing each other and they were MARRIED. And you know what? It worked. It's perfect. When you know you know - - and you know. Might as well make it official. My finace' says "In my opinion, we already are married. You and I are together forever. We just need that piece of paper for legality." I think you are just fine, hun. Good luck with your wedding planning!!
  • FI and I dated for 2 months before he got me a promise ring. 6 months and we were engaged. I think it is all dependent upon the person. When you know that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you just know. No matter of time is going to change it once you know. There isn't a doubt in my mind about it. So no, I don't think it is too soon.
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  • My parents met and were married within 7 months, wedding was on my mom's 18th birthday and she became my mom on that day (I was two yo at the time.) 19 years later, their marriage is stronger than many of the "properly planned out" ones that I've witnessed.
    Now its my turn. I've known my fiance for nearly 7 years, we've been dating for a year and a half, and will have been dating for 3 years when we get married. And a lot of people think that we're rushing into it. XD (To be fair, my grandma says its because I'm in the military, and believes that we should wait until my term of enlistment is up. Which makes no sense to me, because we live on opposite sides of the US and if we don't get married, I will continue to only get to see him 2-3 weeks out of the year. Where if we do get married, he'll be with me all the time, except when I'm deployed. Would much rather suffer a bit more married and have him with me than suffer alone..)
    Personally, I think its up to the couple. I think that what my parents did is severly pushing the limits, but its worked out perfectly, somehow. If it feels like the right time, and none of their reasons for objecting are throwing up red flags, go ahead and press forward with the engagement.
  • edited March 2012
    Im 22 fi is 23, Well FI and I were together for 3 years when he proposed and are getting married may 2013 that'll mean we'll be together for over 6 by the time we marry. I wasn't even legal to drink when he proposed and I couldn't possibly imagine being married before I could drink! Even though now I don't drink...lol! people change. And just because people change doesn't mean you'll leave each other either..it just means you guys have to experience your reactions to each others differences in changing that's all before committing to something as steep as marriage. I'd say give yourself a grace period to really get to know each other on a relationship level, even though you've known each other for 5 years that was only in friendship. I wish you the best of luck! (I hated when people would constantly ask did you pick a date, because it took almost 2 years to do so! But I'm glad we waited)
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  • My fiance and I were together two weeks before we picked out our rings.  He is the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with and when you know, you know.  We are not young; I am 33 and he is 36.  We were going to wait for at least 6 months but then realized we were doing that for other people besides ourselves.  We didnt want the backlash from people, friends and family.  Then we realized this wasn't about them, it was about us and we wanted to get married asap.  The scariest part was telling my parents.  I still don't think they know how soon we plan on getting married, but we are breaking it to them slowly.  We plan on getting married at the courthouse and then having a ceremony in 6 months.  We may just go on our honeymoon in 6 months. 

    I don't think you rushed at all.  Remember its about you and your fiance, not anyone else.
  • I think "too soon" is up to you, not your family and/or friends. I will agree with the others that I'm not the same person today that I was at 20, but that isn't true for everyone.

    FI and I got engaged much sooner than most people would be comfortable with, but we're grown adults and I believe that those friends and family that know us truly and well are not surprised. Neither of us has ever been one to color inside the lines.Laughing
  • You can always have a long engagement if it really bothers you.  I was with my fiancee for a little over a year before we got engaged, but we have been engaged for about 7 years now!
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  • ARM92ARM92 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    I am in the same boat so I wish you the best of luck!!!
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