Just Engaged and Proposals

FMIL/Fiance Advice. Any input appreciated!!

1. My FH proposed to me on December 30, 2008 after dating for a year, and knowing each other for 2. We don't live together, however, we either stay at my house or his house every night. He's my best friend and my biggest supporter, but there is a few things that REALLY bother me.

2. His mother had him very young, at 18. She married his dad at 18 as well, and they have been happily married for 22 years now. His mom had taken me in and made me feel like part of the family. We went shopping, have gone to get our nails done, text messaged me daily etc, I figured all was well, and she treated me so sweetly, even telling people how much she loved me.It made me feel wonderful!!

3. Flash forward to December 30th, after the proposal that she knew was going to happen (he told her 2 months prior that he was going to do it). We set a date for May 22, 2010, start looking at venues and my family invites everyone to our engagement party.

4.I invite his mom to go to a local bridal show with me and she gives me an excuse as to why she can't go. That's fine, I understand, things happen, no biggie. One night when I was in night class in February, my FH text me and told me that we needed to talk.So we talk. What about? His mother tells him that he's not getting married with a year of school left. (He's 22, I'm 20. For the May 22nd wedding, he would be 23).and insists that we don't want to be broke and such. After pouting for a little bit about having to push the wedding back, I agreed that it would be better to wait until one of us gets out of school.

5. In October this year, I go to his family reunion, and am bombarded by questions, like "when did you get engaged? When is the date set for?" His mother chimes in and says, "OH, it will be a VERY LONG engagement because I'm not going to let my son throw away his college years and get married so young like I did, and your kids did," WOW, talk about a slap in the face from someone that acted like my best friend. I saw on facebook that my FH had accepted his mom's boss' friend request (they pay for his school). and she commented, "Engaged? Your mom never told me this!! When did this happen?" Also, his mom has been talking to his ex on facebook. I know this is an informal was of communication, but supposedly his mom "hated this girl with a passion because of the way she treated his son by cheating on him and being disrespectful to the entire family." So why would she be talking to this girl? I try not to let it bother me, but that also feels like a slap in the face. I feel like she is ashamed that her son is engaged to me.

6. Months pass without setting a new date. His graduation will be May 2011, and mine will be December 2011, so I suggest a late May date, exactly a year past what it originally was. He says "we will discuss it towards the end of the year." Guess what? It's the end of the year. I'm tired of waiting. I would love to know when I can expect to walk down the aisle.

He says he can't wait to marry me, but I know his mother's opinion is harboring him.He's 23 today for crying out loud. He's a grown man, and we make decent money, and will both have college degrees within the next year/year in a half around the time a potential date could be set.

It just hurts to spend so much time with someone you love so much, and put so much in, but he won't give an exact date on what's good for him. It also makes me feel so low on the actions his mother has shown towards me in the past several months, as I have shown her nothing but kindness and respect. I KNOW she controls him, they talk 15 times a day on the phone, and she can't seem to cut the cord. I tell him that this whole ordeal about the things she has done to humiliate me, and he says, don't worry, she likes you and accepts you. But guess what, I don't feel that reciprocated. I feel like I will always be last pick to his mother. Even though he assures me that he loves me and can't wait to spend the rest of his life with me, I feel like the cord will never be cut, and that I will end up marrying his mom as well.

I know she doesn't want him to make the same mistakes that she did, but I'm not 18, neither is he, we almost have our degrees, have decent financial stability, and I'm NOT getting married because I'm pregnant. We're totally opposites, so why does she think that marrying me would make him "throw away his life?" She told me I was the best for him before our engagement...wtf...

Re: FMIL/Fiance Advice. Any input appreciated!!

  • Mmmm I would say that you and your FI should sit down and have a long true heart to heart and then let your FI handle his mother. Express your concerns and let your feelings be known (include the least amount of drama as possible).

    I do kind of understand where shes coming from though with college. My FI graduated 3 years ago and I've got a year to go (would have already finished, but had family complications that delayed things) but there is an understanding that I'll finish as soon as I can and everyone is fully aware of this.

    As far as Facebook goes. . I'd say leave it alone. He asked YOU. . thats what matters. Facebook is a drama maker, dont let this bother you :)

    I dont know if this will help or anything. . but good luck!! :)
    Best wishes!
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • I think that you and your FI need to sit down and have a heart to heart and make sure you're both ready to married.  There's nothing wrong with a long engagement at all.  It will help build your relationship more.

    Also, your FI needs to talk to his mother.  She's way too controlling.
  • That is a really hard situation.  I'm sorry.

    That said, you have to make the decision--would you rather have your FI and his mom or nothing at all?  Worst case scenario, it's both of them or neither of them and that's a choice you have to make.

    His mother does have a point about waiting.  I think it was pretty generous to wait until after he graduates, but if you're only 20, it seems like she might want to sort of live vicariously through you and have you make different choices than she did.  Granted, those are your choices and not hers, but there's nothing wrong with learning from someone else's experiences.  If your relationship is meant to be, then you will still be together when you're 25 and maybe a little more mature.  I'm 25 myself, and I have learned so much and changed so much since I was 20.  I was sure I was going to marry a totally different guy at that age, and time showed that he just wasn't ready for it and not mature enough. 

    I suggest a long, serious talk with FI.  Don't spring it on him, say, "hey, just FYI, I want to talk about this in the next few days" so he has time to think it over.

    Good luck to you.  I hope everything works out.

    image
    two years!
    after two losses, now happily expecting baby #1 09.16.12
    Pregnancy Ticker
    Brie Fit Blog | BFP Chart
  • While I don't approve of the way she's going about it, I don't blame her for the way she feels.  In her backward way she wants better for him than what she had and I'm sure that includes marrying at an age that SHE considers appropriate.

    With that being said, if he is old enough to decide he wants to marry he is old enough to stand up to his mother. Truthfully, though, you can't blame all of this on his mother.  He is allowing himself to be controlled by her and that's just as much a problem with him as it is with her.

    Tell him honestly how you feel and if things don't change, don't marry him.  Marriage won't magically change him so unless you are prepared to live the rest of your life feeling like second string to his mother you need to call it off and move on.
  • A few things here:

    1) This is not a FMIL problem. This is a FH problem. Thsi will be a true indicator of how your life will be in the future. If you two adults decide that the wedding is May 2011 then that is it. Why are you telling her so soon anyways? Are you asking for permission? Or is FH needing approval from his mom?

    2) FMIL seems to be projecting some of her own fears onto your relationship. This doesn't sound like anything you are doing. Therefore please don't take it personally. In fact, this is an opportunity to show her your adult side. Next time she makes comments like that, have a preplanned answer to reply. Such as, "As two responsible, financially stable adults, we will be deciing on our wedding date when it is right for us."

    3) My best friend went through the same thing. She was 21, he was 22. Everyone thought they MUST be pregnant, why would they want to get married so young? 13 years later they are still going strong. It can be done!

    Above all else: How your FH responds to this will set the stage for your future. Right now, mom is his first concern. He needs to realize that you two are becoming a unit and he needs to stand up for you. Good luck!
  • I completely agree with Arixana! I think she really hit the nail on the head when she talks about how he deals with this situation will be an outline for future problems.

    Just another point to add, I know that a lot of other posters can see or understand where your FMIL is coming from, I can't. I don't really think that it's something she should put her input on. Like you said your FI is 23, a grown man and he canmake his own decisions. I think it's a parent thing though at the same time. My parents never wanted me to be in a serious relationship until I graduated in 2008. Yet my FI (boyfriend at the time) was actually the one who pushed me to do better and to go to those classes I wanted to skip! They just didn't want anything to "distract" me.

    Sit down and talk with your FI! Let him know your not happy with the current situation and that you need to feel like he has your back and that you are #1 and not his mother. I would maybe try and break the ice with letting him know that you think it's great that he and his mother are so close but that it's becoming an issue for the two of you.

    Good luck with everything!!
  • Ditto to Arixana... he is definatelty whipped by his mother and I feel like he would side with her more. Take everything she says to heart.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited November 2009
    Talk to your FI

    Try not to be to emotional, but explain your feelings & how hurt you are. You two need to communicate better/more. He may not even know he is allowing his mother to hurt you. Have a very frank discussion about a timeline.

    Some people  like to have everything in their life in order before marriage (a great job, a great house, money).  My guy was hesitate to set a date, b/c he had no idea how expensive weddings are. We want to pay for it ourselves, but never realized how much money is involved. I thought he was having second thoughts, but he was just embarrassed that we have to wait b/c of money. After a honest talk a few weeks overdue, I realized that whenever you have a problem w/ your partner you need to have a frank talk asap.

    His mother probably is not intentionally trying to hurt you, she just wants you both to enjoy your youth. What she said was harsh, but she may not have meant it to come out like that. I would try to be the bigger person & keep trying to work on your relationship (although I would not involve her in wedding planning).  Also make sure she she doesn't pay for any of the wedding  (money brings strings & final say).

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

    image
    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • Completely agree with Arixana

    In addition, I would distance yourself a bit from FMIL.  Not out of spite or ill will, but to keep your sanity.  It seems like the more you are around her the more quips she says and the more angry you become, give yourself a breather from her and maybe some of the tension will fly out the window.  GL!
    image
  • My mom always told me to never a marry guy who had these qualities:

    1. Did drugs
    2. Was an alcoholic
    3. Gambled frequently
    4. Too attached to his mother << this can be a huge problem. Your FI needs to know that once he is married, his loyalties lie to you. Yes, family is important, but when you are married, your wife becomes you #1 priority, even over your children. Think really hard about this. Good luck!
  • Momma's boy boyfriends become momma's boy fiances become momma's boy husbands. If you don't want to be married to a momma's boy, don't marry a momma's boy. If you do choose to marry a momma's boy you lose the right to ever complain about him being a momma's boy. You know what you're signing up for.


  • I think your FI needs to cut the cord.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards