Just Engaged and Proposals

Am I overreacting?! long rant..

My FI and I got engaged last month.  I didn't *love* the ring at first (previous post about that) but it's been growing on me until tonight.  FI gave me the paperwork from when he bought the ring, and the conversation went a little like this:

FI: I didn't get the ring directly from Zales
Me: What do you mean?
FI: I bought it from someone who bought it at Zales
Me: You mean this is a ring that was purchased and was meant to
 be given to someone else, and it never happened
FI: Yeah, I got it from one of my managers, I think they broke up before he proposed
Me: OK so I have a ring that was recycled because they broke up!?  That's bad luck!
FI: Well, I didn't think about it like that.  He had it and I liked it so I bought it from him.
Me: *almost cut my finger off while peeling potatoes because I'm going to freak out*

Now I get upstairs to put the papers away and obviously I'm going to look at them.  The ring was purchased back in February 2005 (! with a lifetime warranty, as long as it's inspected by Zales every 6 months).  Well, it was inspected the first time back in 2005 and not since, so not only is the warranty voided, which he didn't even notice, he doesn't even seem to care. He goes, "can't we just take it to Zales and buy another warranty?!"  I also looked at the reciepts; it was repiared and resized in 2007, which leads me to believe that they were engaged and broke up.  I feel like he didn't even care what the ring looked like or meant to me at first...this after he told me he shopped around for 1.5 years until he found just the right one.

IMO I'm wearing a ring from an engaged couple that broke up which to me is a HUGE DEAL!  Am I overreacting if I demand that we sell this one and buy a brand new one?!
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Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..

  • Take a deep breathe. Give it time b/f you do anything rash. But this does kind of stink even more now.

    But he probably bought it that way b/c it was all he could afford. Do you want him to be in debt over a ring?

    At least I hope he bought it at half price. If he paid the guy anywhere near what Zales sold it for he was ripped off. BIG TIME.

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  • I don't want him to go into debt at all, because he works very hard and is a full-time student as well.  But am I wrong for not wanting to wear a ring that was most likely the result of a broken off engagement?!  Also if anything ever happens with it, i.e. needs repairs or whatever, we're going to have to pay for it ourselves since the warranty is voided...

    I'd rather he got me a .5carat ring that he bought new and just for me, rather than the 1.5carat one that is someone elses castoff....Frown
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2009
    Yes it does take the romanticism out of it. Yes I would be p*ssed too. But I honestly would be more p*ssed that he never asked you what type of ring you liked b/f he started looking. I never understand guys who spend thousands w/o asking the person who will be wearing what she wants.

    p.s. A .5  can still cost a thousand just for the diamond. Then 500 for the setting.

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  • I think you are overreacting a little. I mean where I work we see people who everyday who sell me there gold and diamonds. The stuff could be old gifts from past loves, dead family members jewelry they don't want, and people that just need the money. It all gets sent in to be smelted and recycled into new jewelry. What I am trying to tell you is that even if you got a new ring from Zales it still could have very well been made out of gold from someone else's heartbreak. In the end it is just a thing like anything else and it is what you make of it. You should be glad he hopefully didn't get completely screwed on the price like he would have if he purchased it from Zales directly.
  • It's just a ring. Even if you didn't wear one at all, it wouldn't mean that your engagement wasn't valid. I think you are overreacting.
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  • I totally agree with you! I would want something that was yours not something that he bought from someone else. It probably seemed like a great  idea at the time to him, he liked it and got it for a decent price. Hes a guy! Their brains work differently then women! Ha! -  I understand where you are coming from though I would want something that was my own and not something that came from a failed relationship- but if you do keep - make it a goal to have a different outcome and get married and turn 95 together and look back on it and laugh about it! ;)
  • I think you are overreacting.  The ring is a tangible token of love and commitment from him to you. He made the effort to get you a ring and make the official proposal.

    There is no such thing as bad luck.  Would you not buy a house from a couple going through a divorce because it could eventually affect your marriage.  Probably not. 

     If he got a good deal on the ring, so much the better.  Very rarely do you need the waranty,  but just be sure to have the setting checked on a regular basis.  Fixing a prong should not be too costly should that be required. 

    Please let this go and be happy.
  • You're overreacting.  You CAN go to Zales, have them inspect it, and get a new warranty.

    My ring is 63 points and was 2000$.  I suspect he got a very good deal in buying this ring.
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  • I would be a little concerned that he told you he had been looking for a year and a half but he (seemingly suddenly) ended up buying something a coworker offered. But perhaps he couldn't afford something in the store, or he didn't want to pay something on big mark-up? I can tell you that your ring looks very unique to me and it might have been that he wanted to get you a unique ring but couldn't afford to have one made. Maybe this was just the right opportunity and he grabbed it!

    Warranties aren't as important as you think. My engagement ring is from Bailey Banks & Biddle, a wonderful store that unfortunately is now getting dragged down along with its parent company that filed for bankruptcy and is now liquidating its stores. My warranty is no good anymore. What IS important is that you get your ring independently appraised (those certificates the jeweler gives you are worthless) and then insured so you can fix/replace it if something happens to it.
  • You are overreacting.

    A ring is a symbol.  When he gave it to you and asked you to marry him, it became a symbol of his commitment to you--everything else that's happened in its history aside.

    I think you should focus a lot less on the ring and a lot more on the fact that you're going to marry a wonderful (presumably) guy.  The ring is just a token.
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  • I completely agree with you. I would be really upset and feel that he didn't put much into picking out a unique diamond for you.
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  • I completely agree with you! I would be pi$$ed if my FI told me that he had been shopping for a year and a half to get a hand-me down ring from a failed engagement. I would most certainly make him sell it and get a new one. Even if it was smaller, that's not really the point, the point is to get something that symbolizes your love (whether tangible or not) not a failed attempt at marriage. Go get a new one but be prepared to get something much smaller if need be.

    Good luck!
  • While I can see why you're upset. . OMI you're over reacting. Maybe this ring was the one that he thought was perfect for you. Guys don't always look as deep as girls do into tokens like this but thats what it is, a token. Some people don't get engagment rings so be happy that you got that. Its a symbol nothing more nothing less unless you're a socialite and then things could be different.


    Don't worry about the ring. Just be happy you've found the one person in your life that makes you complete and happy in every way. You could also get a nice wedding band and just wear that too once married.

    Just smile and relax :)

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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I think you are overeacting.  If HE bought the ring for someone else.  That is different.  But that is not the case here.

    My diamond came from my MIL's broken engagement.  I do not think that's it's bad luck.  I'm lucky I have a nice diamond and DH didn't have to pay and arm and leg for it.

    All that said, if it really bothers you.  Have it reset.  The diamond is mostly likely the most expensive part.  So you can still have the diamond in a setting you like better. 

    BTW - people by estate jewerly all the time.  You have know idea how those relationships ended up either.   Just because it took him a year to find the ring that was pre-owned does not mean he did not put thought into it.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:e8146381-3c4a-4a18-8c24-f883fba673fa">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE] I would most certainly make him sell it and get a new one. Even if it was smaller, that's not really the point, the point is to get something that symbolizes your love (whether tangible or not) not a failed attempt at marriage.
    Posted by Krysten110[/QUOTE]

    This makes me stabby.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:af8be50e-a216-4d40-ab8c-654a4026b2db">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant.. : This makes me stabby.
    Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]
     ditto






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • OMG I would be so pissed.  I would feel lied to, especially when he said he was searching for a year and a half and then it was really bought off of a co-worker!!!!  If my FI and I had talked ahead of time, and discussed going the most inexpensive route, I can understand that - but he wasn't fully truthful with you, not to mention you have said before this ring isn't really you...I agree I would rather have a tiny ring that was "me" then a big ring he bought because of the $$ or accesibility that didn't reflect our relationship or personality.  Sit down, talk to him, explain your concerns and ask him if you can pick something out together that is special to the two of you.  You are NOT overreacting, just take a deep breath before you do.

    HTH!
  • Read the paragraph in the bio and it will make you even more stabby.
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  • I don't think you should be worried about bad luck. It's a ring, it doesn't posses any magical powers. If he got you this ring because it was something that he could afford and thought you would like then that's all that should matter.

    Maybe he really had been looking for a year and couldn't find anything in his price range that he liked and then he lucked out and got this great offer from a co-worker. I would give him the benefit of the doubt.
  • I went back and found your original post about not liking the ring, and I tell you what really bothers me is that he lied to you.  According to your previous post, he told you he got it at Zales and that he bought the lifetime warranty, neither of which was true.  That kind of bugs me.  You guys are going to get married, he shouldn't be embarrassed to tell you that he can't afford to pay full price for a ring, he should have been able to talk to you about what he could afford or just buy what he could afford and be confident in you that you would love it even if it were small.

    This all makes me wonder if he was feeling some pressure from you for a big fancy unique ring.

    Your original concern about being able to wear it at work though is still valid.  I really don't know what I would do.  I would have a talk about it I think, 1) about why he felt like he needed to lie about the ring and 2) your concerns about being able to wear it at work and see where that conversation takes you.
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  • There are lots of people out there who specifically look for estate jewellery, or second-hand jewellery. Often the history is not known. Buying a diamond ring new (particularly if not having it custom made) tends to be a rip-off anyway as the mark-up is huge.

    I don't have an engagement ring at all (by choice), but if I did want one, I would have no problem with the wearing of a ring from a broken engagement. My FMIL engagement ring and wedding band were bought from a pawn shop. Her and her DH were looking in pawn shops before they were engaged and she found those rings and she just LOVED them. He went back later and bought them for her. And she STILL loves them, near 30 years later.

    I would have a problem if there was some dishonesty about it however, like I was told they were brand new and they weren't.
  • A lot of posts so i'll try to be short. I could see being upset if it was a ring for one of *his* ex girlfriends but it wasnt. Just because someone else's relationship didnt work doesnt mean yours wont. Do you have that little faith in your relationship? He asked you to marry him, if you love him that should be enough. Not how much  money or where he got the ring...
  • I would be upset that he lied to you.  Buying a ring this way may have saved him money, which is great, but I fee like he should have talked to you first and made sure you would love the ring and felt comfortable buying this way.

    My ring is an estate ring so I don't care about the history of the ring, it is mine now and it symbolizes our relationship, not the previous owner's.  Although it might be different if i knew the previous owner, like in your case.

    Personally I would want a new one too.
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  • I think you're over-reacting. Here's the truth about places like Zales, Kay's, etc.

    If a couple breaks up and they sell the ring, Zales and Kays buy those diamonds. That's why their rings are more affordable.

    So in essence, most of the diamonds are used. Which isn't a problem so long as there isn't anything wrong with them.

    Your FI was just trying to save money in an economic recession. He should have been more truthful, but cut him some slack.

    And if you think that your ring will be your bad luck, then you need to come to terms with reality.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:fd2d8c76-6e08-40a5-8898-68d48ff38337">Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]I didn't *love* the ring at first (previous post about that) but it's been growing on me until tonight.
    Posted by PrincssGS[/QUOTE]

    See, I feel like this is a huge overblown thing because you didn't really like the ring in the first place. Maybe your FI DID search for a long time for one that he thought you might love. And the fact that he got a deal on it? All the better.

    Had my FI done something like this, he would have told me right away because he knows I wouldn't freak out over a piece of symbolic jewelry. Maybe your FI waited to tell you because he knew you were going to be a drama queen over it.

    Well at least he knows you then.
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  • No you are not overreacting, I would be mad as hell and hurt that he didn't take the time to look for a ring all on his own. He doesn't have to go in debt to buy you an engagement ring. There are beautiful rings for way under $1,000 that he could've purchased new for you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:2ce72e09-aec8-48e1-aaff-81acc37662b5">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]No you are not overreacting, I would be mad as hell and hurt that he didn't take the time to look for a ring all on his own.
    Posted by vgmartinez[/QUOTE]

    Who said that he didn't look? You don't know that he hadn't been looking for months. This just happens to be the one he ended up with.

    Gosh you shouldn't just assume that her FI is a jerk.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:d5751553-40e9-457a-8911-85fe7f6097fb">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Am I overreacting?! long rant.. : See, I feel like this is a huge overblown thing because you didn't really like the ring in the first place.

    Had my FI done something like this, he would have told me right away because he knows I wouldn't freak out over a piece of symbolic jewelry. Maybe your FI waited to tell you because he knew you were going to be a drama queen over it. Well at least he knows you then.
    Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

    Yeah those are my thoughts too, which is why I think it might do her good to ask why he felt he needed to lie.  Not an accusatory "Why did you lie?!" but a "Why did you feel like you had to lie about where you got it and the warranty?".  Maybe she'll learn a little about herself.  Probably not, but there's always hope.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:2ce72e09-aec8-48e1-aaff-81acc37662b5">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]No you are not overreacting, I would be mad as hell and hurt that he didn't take the time to look for a ring all on his own.
    Posted by vgmartinez[/QUOTE]

    Who says he didn't look?

    Ending up buying a possible better ring for less money does not equal he did not look around.

    I have a diamond from a broken marriage, in a stone shape I really never liked before. Actually pear shaped is a shape I DID NOT want.  So we changed the setting to fit my lifestyle.   Now I have a bigger diamond that he could have normally afforded and I would not change a thing.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:2ce72e09-aec8-48e1-aaff-81acc37662b5">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]No you are not overreacting, I would be mad as hell and hurt that he didn't take the time to look for a ring all on his own. He doesn't have to go in debt to buy you an engagement ring. There are beautiful rings for way under $1,000 that he could've purchased new for you.
    Posted by vgmartinez[/QUOTE]

    Really? As PPs have stated, how do you know he didn't look.

    And maybe the ring is a $2,000 ring that he was able to get for like, $800.

    I love my ring. But I love my FI more. I don't think that any ring he would have gotten me wouldn't have been wonderful, because he picked it out for me. I would never hold his choice against him.

    Ladies, learn to be less shallow.

    Effective immediately.

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