Sibling's wedding affecting our engagement - need advice, please! :)

JessersLA

We've been engaged since October and still have gotten nowhere with planning and it's because we can't agree on a date.  I'm so glad this forum is here because I really need some advice.

My ideal wedding would be in September.  I love fall, the colors, the weather, everything.  We've also decided that neither of us want an insanely long engagement- hopefully no more than a year because we've been living together for 5 years and are just ready to take the next step.  Plus both of us have elderly grandparents that we want there on the day.  So getting married in Sept 2010 made so much sense. 

The problem is, FI's brother has been engaged for over a year now and are getting married October 3, 2010.  FI says that we can't get married anywhere near their wedding, so we either have to wait 2 years for September 2011, or try to pull a wedding together in 6 months by May or June of 2010.  I don't think we can do it that soon because we are self financing.  I'm an only child and don't understand why we can't have our wedding a month before FI's brother's?  Their wedding will be big and elaborate and we are planning something small and intimate.  We're not trying to steal anyone's thunder, but I was under the impression that it's all about us and our love and that we shouldn't let someone else dictate what we do with our wedding?

We are planning on being married outside in PA so we only have a small window of time during the year that we can do that.  Any advice on this would be insanely helpful- we just can't see eye to eye on this.

laurenclaire1386

You can pull a wedding together in six months.  That's doable.  I don't think it's a big deal to get married a month before FI's brother.  Why does he have such a big problem with it? Also, I wouldn't want to wait two years either.

kdqueen16

Drama Drama Drama! I hate it! I understand why you are upset! It doesn't seem fair that you should have to worry so much about his brother's wedding. I understand that it puts a little extra pressure on his family with both sons being engaged and wed in the same year, but sometimes that is just life. 

If I was you I would just throw out that idea of a two year engagement. Mine is going to be a year and a month total and even that feels like an eternity. If you prefer the cold weather versus the hot then why not plan a winter wedding? I too wanted a fall wedding, but with personal situations we were not able to make that a reality. I am getting married in December and although it was not my first choice I could not be happier! Christmas weddings are fun to plan! If you would rather have warmer weather then go ahead with the summer. Six months should be fine since you want a small intimate wedding! In the end it is your choice, my dear! Don't let someone else ruin your dreams. 

Anon I. Mouse

You can pull together a wedding in six months, particularly if you are going for small and intimate.

We pulled ours together in ten weeks (which also goes to show we would not want to wait two years!). We are paying for it and planning for it entirely on our own as well.

However, it does not sound like you want a spring wedding anyway!

Your FI's brother and his fiancee get ONE day (and they still have to share it with the rest of the world). It would be silly to plan the wedding for the SAME day as theirs but other than that, it is not at all improper to have a wedding the month before. They don't get an entire week, month, and definitely not the month before. On that note, should Halloween be cancelled next year too?

I mean, it is your FI's wedding as much as yours, and you need to agree to something together and you have equal weight in those decisions.....however I am quite lost as to his reasoning.

jnic0319

I agree with your fiance, your FSIL and BIL have been planning this day for almost 2 years, to come in and get married a month before them is a slap in the face and looks very bad.  I had a friend who did exactly that to his brother and EVERYONE talked about what a jerk he was, people were pissed that he took away from his brothers wedding.

I say do it in 6 months! totally doable!  

lyndausvi

I would just do it in 6 months. 

I get you do not understand.  But 2 wedding close together can put a strain on some families.  Not so much for the extended family.  But for parents and siblings can be a lot to deal with.

cheerinchick0822

I actually had this exact same conversation with my fiance, his brother, and his brother's fiancee. They are getting married in May and someone asked when we were getting married. They wanted to know if it would be the same year and I told them no. I was saying how I don't think it's fair to get married too close when you are siblings or extremley close friends. I just feel that everyone deserves to enjoy all the celebrations that come with getting married and although this may sound selfish, no one wants to share that special time with another couple. My fiance's brother and his fiancee had a friend who was getting married in October 2010 and then for some random reason moved their wedding up to March 2010. Everyone was mad and they are all talking about how it wasn't really the right thing to do. It makes it hard if the same people are in both weddings and as mentioned before can cause a lot of stress for the families.

I would wait until September 2011 because it seems like you really want a fall wedding (which always turns out beautiful). I think you may still have people talk if you do it in May or June. I know it should not be like that but a lot of people do feel like their wedding should not be anywhere near someone else's. ( Unfortunately, I too hold that opinion. lol)

mll16

Hey there, never posted on this board but I thought I'd throw in my two cents. FI's sister got engaged over Christmas 2008, they decided to plan a July 2009 wedding. FI and I have been dating for 7 years. Got engaged in April and I had really really really wanted to get married this year, mostly just tired of waiting to move on with our lives. Well, they picked about the worst month to get married in because it didn't allow us to do anything at all this year. We had thought about Sept but the parents nixed in because it was too close and my sister has been out of the country until next week. Major bummer about that one. We're getting married in April 2010, and it's fine, whatever, but I'd still have rather gotten married this year. 

My advice, if you're paying for it yourselves, do what you want, but know that some people won't be able to do two weddings so close with all the extra travel costs. It's your day and I think its dumb that two people in the same family can't get married in the same year, but some people feel that way. But waiting a lot longer than you wanted to stinks too.

lilgina64

HA! my brother and I got engaged within 2 weeks of each other. I got married less than 3 months before he is, and our ONLY cousin is getting married a few DAYS after my brother. Don't talk to me about multiple weddings in the family! haha

Do exactly what you want to do. It gives the family more stuff to celebrate. A month between weddings is PLENTY of time. Plus the groom's family isn't really responsible for a lot so it's not like they have two daughters and are dealing with multiple dress hunting etc. Have it in September if you can't finance it by May. FWIW it is doable to do it in 6 months though. Check out the budget board.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Well, it was his brother's choice to have a two year engagement. It's your choice to have an engagement for as long as you see fit. 

I'd do early September to give it a month between weddings. How many guests are you having? How many will be OOT and have to travel to both?

janedoe1113a

I would do an early September wedding.  That is a month between the two weddings. 

The only thing that I would be worried about is if there are a lot of OOT guests that would have to travel for both weddings.  If so, then some people might decline one wedding to attend the other.

JessersLA

First of all, thank you to everyone who has replied, it really means a lot to hear opinions.  I just signed up today and I love it here already.

I know the May/June wedding is doable in 6 months, but since we are self financing and both work freelance, I'm concerned about pulling the money together in such a short amount of time.

My FI's side does not have many OOT guests: only his mother, stepfather, and grandmother that would attend both weddings.  Our wedding is small, roughly 75-80 guests vs. his brother's wedding which has a nearly 300 person guest list.  My FI and I are in his brother's wedding and have asked both of them to be in ours.  When we asked them to be in ours, we brought up a possibility of having it before theirs and they seemed to clam up.  Later, my FI's FSIL confronted him about it being too much for the family: a distant cousin is getting married the same year and another one is pregnant.  She thought it was best we wait everything out so that we would "get better presents without putting anyone out."  Since that conversation, we've come to a halt about picking a date and haven't been able to work past this since.

At this point, the only thing we agree on is not wanting a long engagement, but it seems like my FBIL and FSIL are making it almost impossible not to wait at least a year and a half.  It's been a point of frustration for both of us, as I'm sure you can see, and I appreciate all of your input.  Thanks

lilgina64

Ya know my little sister said the same to me about being happy she wasn't getting married since my brother and I and our cousin are all getting married right now. She's excited because it'll be "all about her". To be honest though, I would tell FSIL to lighten up. You aren't sharing the same day, and if it's just immediate family that is attending both and they say it's not a problem for them, I'd do it when you want it.

However doing it in May or June is still a good option. Since your wedding is smaller you have tons of options to make this work within your budget. Feel free to Private Message me if you need help. My brother has a guest list of 60 and a budget of under 5,000 and we had less than 4 months to put it together.
We made it work and it's coming together lovely!

MattsAnnie

In a way I can see where your FBIL and FSIL are coming from, they are afraid that they will be overshadowed. But even seeing what they are seeing I dont agree with them. First your paying for it yourselfs so the parents dont have to worry about putting alot of money towards both, 2nd its your wedding! Have it when you want, a time thats special to you and your FI!  It could be nice to have another couple going through the same things! They need to look at it from the aspect that  youll all have more things to celebrate together! Your having two very different types of weddings, both will be beautiful, but because they are so different you cant really compare them!
Good luck, keep us posted!

katanne9

I would do it in early September if you're so set on the fall and May/June is too early for you to pull the money together. A month is plenty of time inbetween. People can't claim an entire season to be "theirs' because of "their" wedding.

I would save up what money you can and do it in September. And there's no way I would wait a whole year to keep my wedding in the fall. IMO I'd rather change it to a Christmas wedding and just get married - but to each their own!

EDK2010

If you want Fall go for Fall. Maybe consider late November instead of September if you are really worried about being too close! My only hesitation would be FILS, if they are fully on board for two weddings so close then I say go for it. I would not want to wait until 2011 if you could do it sooner!

amlaplante

I'm in the EXACT same situation! I want a very early fall wedding. We decided on September 11th. My FI's cousin is getting married in August on the 14th. My FI and his cousin are extremely close, as well as their families, they might as well be siblings. We were wondering if the dated were too close together, and were thinking about waiting or having our wedding earlier. My FI's sister in-law put it this way, "there will always be someone else getting married, you can't just put your own feelings aside just because someone else is getting married."

I say do it how you want to do it. You family loves you and will understand. Besides a month it a good amount of cooling down time, just make sure it's early September. You deserve to have the wedding you have dreamed of, and you shouldn't have to wait another year.

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_siblings-wedding-affecting-engagement-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:6397a2b8-d1c7-4cd9-a2b4-512494b850fcPost:e1aa6f81-af37-4b8a-8fab-f8342aa2545f">Re: Sibling's wedding affecting our engagement - need advice, please! :)</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with your fiance, your FSIL and BIL have been planning this day for almost 2 years, to come in and get married a month before them is a slap in the face and looks very bad.  I had a friend who did exactly that to his brother and EVERYONE talked about what a jerk he was, people were pissed that he took away from his brothers wedding. I say do it in 6 months! totally doable!  
Posted by jnic0319[/QUOTE]

Oh for craps sake.  It is not a slap in the face.  Everyone gets one day.  ONE.DAY.  And it's a month apart.  Seriously.  Get over it.

Have your wedding when you want. 

JessersLA

Thanks everyone! I discussed with my FI and we will try to bring it up again with FBIL and FSIL this Christmas.  I'll try for September but we think we might have a better argument for November...something tells me it's not the proximity of the wedding to theirs but more that we'd be doing it before them.  I don't get it, but hopefully we'll be able to work something reasonable out without having to wait.  Will keep everyone informed!

nightmare_of_beauty

I'm so going to get flamed for this....

I agree with your FSIL. I think she has a right to feel the way she does. You said yourself you're an only child and you've never had to share the spotlight.

Right now I've got a sister in law that wants to be SO into the wedding, put her in my dress and it could be her wedding. It makes me upset because she's taking the moment away from her brother and I...which she always does. My FI has never had something just for him. Their birthdays are a week apart, hers first and his a week later, so even though he's older, they celebrate on her birthday and on his birthday he's lucky he even gets a call from his mother or father (actually this year his father forgot) to say happy birthday.

They've waited SO long for their moment (my FI and I have been engaged for almost 3 years), if you wait longer you could have more money to go a bigger. And I don't mean people, you could have shrimp instead of chicken or something like that. Just think about how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_siblings-wedding-affecting-engagement-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:6397a2b8-d1c7-4cd9-a2b4-512494b850fcPost:e677e6e6-2b75-421b-9ece-f77ae6dddf53">Re: Sibling's wedding affecting our engagement - need advice, please! :)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm so going to get flamed for this.... I agree with your FSIL. I think she has a right to feel the way she does. You said yourself you're an only child and you've never had to share the spotlight. Right now I've got a sister in law that wants to be SO into the wedding, put her in my dress and it could be her wedding. It makes me upset because she's taking the moment away from her brother and I...which she always does. My FI has never had something just for him. Their birthdays are a week apart, hers first and his a week later, so even though he's older, they celebrate on her birthday and on his birthday he's lucky he even gets a call from his mother or father (actually this year his father forgot) to say happy birthday. They've waited SO long for their moment (my FI and I have been engaged for almost 3 years), if you wait longer you could have more money to go a bigger. And I don't mean people, you could have shrimp instead of chicken or something like that. Just think about how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
Posted by nightmare_of_beauty[/QUOTE]

Oh no. No, no no no no no no NO.  What if she doesn't care about "going bigger"?  Ugh.  That's just gross and so materialistic.  So what if his sister tries to overshadow your FI all the time?  All it does is make her look like a prissy AW, and you look bad for even falling for it. Complaining about it makes you look like an immature brat and not the other way around.

You realize that normal, sane people don't really care if someone gets married *gasp* before them, right? 

JessersLA

I'm glad to get advice from both sides and once again, I am an only child so I don't have any experience with the sibling rivalry, but I have considered FSIL's side of the situation many times.  I'm trying my best to see where she's coming from and I just can't.  If it were me I'd be thrilled for the sibling/cousin/friend or whomever was getting married and I wouldn't care when she was doing it.  My FI's brother and FSIL chose to be engaged for over two years because they wanted a big, elaborate wedding.  We are choosing not to be engaged that long because we don't want a big, elaborate wedding.

The fact is that my FI and I live on the other side of the country from his brother and FSIL and barely see them twice a year.  My FI was close with his brothers growing up, but we moved away 5 years ago, and I hardly know FSIL at all.  I was shocked when she announced I would be a bridesmaid to her (announced, not asked) and I only asked her to do the same for us upon the urging of my FI.  So it's not as though we are close at all.

My FI and I have decided to try to resolve this by Christmas.  We've been engaged for over a month and want to start planning our wedding, but at the same time, we don't want to have anybody mad at us while we do it and cause some sort of dumb family feud.  We'll be with family for the holidays and can sit down and have a real conversation about it.  Hopefully we can come to a reasonable solution.

Thanks for all the help ladies- will keep you posted!

vencela

While it's not at all a slap in the face, it can present logistical issues. My cousin recently chose a date 3 weeks after our wedding. While I'm not offended by "sharing" the month of September, FI and I live in NYC and are getting married in western PA. I am already anticipating being very stressed out about being in PA prior to the wedding for prep, going on our mini-moon, returning to the city to our busy lives, and then returning to western PA for another weekend 20 days later. I wish our first few weeks of being married could be a little more relaxing... but such is life. There are also minor concerns about farther OOT guests who may have to choose between the weddings, rather than travel twice in three weeks or turn it into an extended stay.

We will see how things work out. There is absolutely no tension, but it does complicate things.

PrincssGS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_siblings-wedding-affecting-engagement-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:6397a2b8-d1c7-4cd9-a2b4-512494b850fcPost:2698a84b-d154-4fd8-b8dd-daa38b405714">Re: Sibling's wedding affecting our engagement - need advice, please! :)</a>:
[QUOTE]You realize that normal, sane people don't really care if someone gets married *gasp* before them, right? 
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

Amen to that!  I don't see the big deal either.  My BFF from high school got engaged way before I did, but our wedding is Aug 28 and theirs is Sept 25.  They chose to have a longer engagement since they are footing the bill for everything (almost 2yrs opposed to our 10mos).  I'm one of her BMs and she is one of mine, and I asked her if she minded that we were getting married first and she laughed saying it never crossed her mind. 

We're more excited about being able to plan together!  Since you're not close to your FSIL you could use the opportunity to get to know her better and share ideas.

salt78

You can pull a wedding together in 6 months easy. I only just now started paying a lot of attention to my own and I'm 2.5 months out.

But if you want to get married in September, I would say just go for it. Unless FBIL and his fianceé are insane, they aren't going to mind if you get married a month before they do.

Karen's MOH

I'm in a similar situation-- my brother and I got engaged within 12 hours of each other, without knowing it until after. We also both wanted Fall 2010 and we agreed we would try and keep it a month apart so it wouldn't get too crazy. He even offered for my wedding to be first, since it is his second marriage, but I told him that was ridiculous, they were equally as important. It ended up they had to do it later because of the venue being booked, so we'll be about 2 months apart. And a little selfishly, I actually am glad that mine ended up being first, though I would never tell them that.

I will say I can kind of a little bit understand your FSIL. The fact that they have been planning it so long changes things slightly. I agree with others that having yours after theirs might appease them. That said, if you sit down and talk with them and explain, they really should just get over it. Good luck.

vibegrrl

Well, I guess I see both sides of this. On one hand, it's not a big deal, on the other, it kinda is. Think of it this way - reverse the situation and see how you would feel.

Spreading the weddings out seems to overall make more sense to me. That way, it'll be less hectic, less stressful and each bride gets more time to bask in the glow of engagement. Otherwise, it does put a bit of a strain on the family and each couple gets a little short-changed. Plus, spreading them out just means spreading out the celebrations! More fun than having them all crammed together, no?

I think going with November is a little kinder if you really want to do it next fall. Or, if you are open to a May/June wedding, why not May/June 2011? that way, you don't have to pull it all together in 6 months, but you also don't have to wait two years... May 2011 is less thana year and a half away! Sort of a compromise! I wanted a fall wedding too, but I'm not up for rushing to get it done for 2010, so we're gonna go for Spring 2011.

deepcovejackie

This thread is making my head hurt.  Can't you just get married when you want to?   It's one day.;...