Disappointed and Feeling Guilty

LaineEtc

So, technically, I got engaged on Monday (we aren't telling anyone yet, so I may delete this post before we do because I feel terrible about the way I feel and don't want anyone to find this post.)

We were at Catalina State Park in Oro Valley, AZ near Tucson visiting my family for Easter.  The morning after Easter, he and I went for a hike with my Dad and little sister.  About half an hour in, he started getting sick from the altitude and we had to turn back (my father and sister continued their hike).  When we got back down to the parking lot we sat in a picnic area and waited for my Mom to come get us.  In the meantime, we chatted and ate Sour Patch jelly beans.  He joked, “Do you want to get married?”  We’ve joked about this in the past and I said, “Is that a proposal?”  He got a little serious and said, “Do I need the ring to propose?”  “No…”  “Then, yes.  I love you.  Will you marry me?”  I was taken aback-never expected it to be so spontaneous and mumbled out a “Yes.”  Then we got up and hugged (of course, I was crying) and decided this would be something we would keep to ourselves until we could get back to Boston and buy the ring.

He didn't get down on one knee (he said he would when we had the ring), and he told me stories about all the lavish ideas he had that didn't work out.  He did this for my birthday as well.  When he gets overwhelmed planning something, he just does nothing.  I wanted a big crazy engagement (I'm a stage actress by career, so no real surprise there).  I would have settled for a romantic private thing, but this was so spontaneous.  No speech, no flowers, no knee...I'm just so disappointed.

But I love him more than anything and can't wait to marry him.  So I feel terrible feeling this way.  The end result is amazing, but I only get one proposal and I feel like I was cheated.  I kind of talked to him about it...saying I'd need a "formal proposal" when we got the ring.  But I don't want to say much more because if I tell him what I want there is no surprise or romance, so it's a waste of time.

How can I feel better?  I want to be excited and thrilled like I always imagined!!!

And just so everyone knows, this is  the sweetest, most well spoken, creative men I've ever known.  This isn't a lack of character on his part.  For him, the spontaneity was romantic in itself.

ediblesprysky

Congratulations!!!

Now that that's out of the way, I don't know why people are posting if all they have to say is "just be grateful you're engaged," and "spontenaiety in itself is romantic." I mean, yes, they're right, but how is that helpful? Honestly, I would probably be just as conflicted as you if I were in your shoes. My BF has told me that he thinks a couple is engaged when they've discussed marriage and decided they're ready to do it, no technical "proposal" necessary. I've told him that the question-and-answer thing is an important ritual in itself and should be done right. (Read, I want at least a little sparkle of romance!) We'll see if he listens. So I can see why you're feeling the way you are.

I think people have been saying some reasonable things, though, like that a proposal that you tell him exactly how to do would just feel artificial, and that you should focus on how dramatic and very *him* the reality of the proposal actually was. I bet you can bring yourself around to it And maybe he can do something surprising with the ring once he has it (unless you buy it and bring it home together), but it really won't work if you tell him exactly what to do. I hate to advocate hinting around, but I do think you should just tell him (in a non-accusatory, happy way) that even though you're excited, certain elements of the traditional proposal were important to you and leave it at that. If he does something, great, and if he doesn't, no big deal. In any case, I'm pretty sure that in a few years, you'll be telling the hilariously sweet story of how your husband thought about a bunch of different ways to propose and ended up doing it without a ring, on a mountain, while your mouth was full of jellybeans!

miomarch

OK so here's my thought....You go on a hike, he gets altitude sickness (which sucks and is completely awful btw) and you descend together.  While HE feels like dog doo, he tells YOU how much he loves you and asks you to marry him.  Hmmmm...sounds like to me that even when he is sick, he thinks of you and wants you to be his one and only for eternity....

You now have a sweet, unique engagement story to tell IMO. 

jnofarc21

i think it was absolutely perfect the way it happened.  Maybe he will make it more official when he gets the ring, but i wouldnt care if he did.  To me, there shouldnt be a reason to feel dissappointed, it seems like you like a lot of attention and maybe that just isn't him.  Maybe he asked you the best way he knows how.  I would be so happy if i were you and be thankful for what you have

Congrats!!!

GunzNRoses213

 My FI is NOT romantic at all and he swore he tried to come up with something spectacular, but he did not . But the way it happend was cute and typical of us as a couple [ he actually got interupted and and had to put it back in his pocket before he got down on one knee ] I laugh about it now . It will be more real when you get the ring . Just tell him to suprise you with it and trust me you wont feel that way later .

geieran

I can understand how you feel. My F's proposal wasn't at all what I had in my head. 

He had planned to take me to my favorite restaurant and then propose. Well, disaster struck before we left so we didn't get to go. He was so upset that he told me about his plans to propose. Due to circumstances that would make this post way too long if I went into it now, he was also not able to get my ring. We talked about it. 

He needed some reassurance. It's hard on the guys. They know that we have been dreaming of this time our entire lives, and with all of the marketing like movies and huge dramatic proposals they have a huge amount of pressure on them. Can you imagine that? 

Well....back to my story lol. We talked about it and he told me about the ring situation and I told him that he didn't need to feel like he had to have a ring to present to me before I would accept him. He said something like really? So then he pops the question .... while we're driving down the road ... moving him out of his house on a moment's notice. So, we were engaged. 

Then we went to Logan's to eat since it was too late to travel to my favorite restaurant (which also happens to be the same restaurant we went to on our first date). Afterwards, we decided that we would look for a promise ring kind of thing so we went to Lifeway Christian Store and got a ring for about 40 bucks. We went outside and he got down on one knee and asked me again. He didn't have to do that, but I think he felt like he needed to. 

He asked me if I wanted to pick out my engagement ring. I didn't. You may feel differently about it...many girls had rather pick it out, but I would rather have the ring that he picked out for me. He knew a few things like I don't wear yellow gold and I don't like big things. About a month after he proposed, he showed up at my work with roses and a ring. 

It was really special...all of it. Sometimes things don't work out the way we think or plan, but that's life. I know it could have been a little disappointing for you, think about the good things - like the adorable expression on his face. Besides, my "story" didn't really feel complete for me until he gave me my ring. So I would suggest that you just keep in mind that your feelings may change later where you see all of the good things about your "story." I hope this makes sense because this post ended up a lot longer than I had intended. :-) And congratulations on your engagement!

Daveydav1

It will be hard to have a do-over and make it feel legit.  However if you want a little payback you can always include it in a customized song .  I went to http://www.songasagift.com You could bring it up jokingly... or not.  You could also un-do the proposal in the sense that you simply tell him that it doesn't count. Say it playfully, but so he know's that your heart was racing and your answer is in mind... but that you DO need a ring because it shows commitment and that you want something epic and original (not jumbo tron). 

He has jokingly said it in the past right?!  Tell him ain't no ring ain't no thing and that you don't want to broadcast it until you have an amazing story to go with it .  That way you have your cake and eat it too.

Good Luck!