Just Engaged and Proposals

Cutting in line?

My BF and I have discussed getting married for several months now. He is having a hard time saving up for a ring because of some unforeseen events. Therefore, we are not officially engaged. We had kind of talked about getting married next Feb. or March. About a month ago, September, his sister got engaged. They are getting married in May. When my boyfriend asked if it was ok if we got married before them, his sister said she'd "appreciate" it if we waited until after hers because this is her time. She seems to be making a big deal about it though.
Now, my boyfriend and I don't want to wait until after her wedding. We only want a small wedding with just family and a few friends. Nothing fancy. I have saved the money for all of it, so it wouldn't be any burden to my BF's family.
Is it unreasonable to cut in line?

Re: Cutting in line?

  • She gets one day for her wedding, that's it.  If you're doing it sooner for the right reasons (i.e. not out of spite), then you should feel free to.
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  • I'd say as long as you don't have your wedding within the week before her's, tough luck. Just because you guys aren't officially engaged doesn't mean you can't get married when you want to. If that's in Feb or March? I'd say do it.
  • The whole situation seems weird to me. That was a dumb and selfish thing for her to say but I also feel that until you're "officially" engaged ring or no ring it seems odd to be planning your wedding.
  • I think she will definitely feel slighted considering you guys did ask if she minded... At this point to go ahead an do it anyway will been seen and felt like a slight to her. Had you not asked and went ahead and announced that you were getting married in February it would have been a different story. But you asked and now know exactly how she feels about it.
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  • Do you really want to fight about this for the rest of your life with them?  Or do you think you can wait until after their wedding to have yours?

    I also find it weird to plan a wedding before being proposed to and before you have a ring.
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  • First of all, I would like to say that you don't need to have a ring in order to be engaged. 

    Second, his sister gets one day for her wedding. She does not get to tell you that you have to have your wedding after hers. I don't think that's very fair at all. If you want to be courteous, don't plan your wedding for the same week as hers, or mabe just plan it for a different month altogether. If she's getting married in May, have yours in Jan., Feb., March, or April. She can't claim all of those months too.
  • mamabear329mamabear329 member
    100 Comments
    edited October 2012
    I was on the receiving end of this recently. FI and I started planning our wedding in June. We were a lot like you in that we planned before I had an official ring/proposal. In our case the planning started b/c of my father's health issues and wanting to be sure he is alive to see us get married. The ring waited a few months because my FI wanted to make sure I'd be surprised when he officially popped the question and that i got my proposal story.

    In August, literally the day after I got my ring, FI's sister announced she and her BF were getting married too. FI's sister is one of those women who needs all the attention on her, and as soon as it was on her brother and me, she had to do something to get it back. To make it worse, she posted cryptic pictures  (carrot stick on her finger "is that enough carats?" etc) on Facebook and had people talking for weeks as to whether she was actually engaged, and never talked to us or even told her own brother she was engaged.

    Now, FI and I are getting married in Jan. on  thursday afternoon (yes we know, weekdays suck etc, but it's worked for us budget wise and a lot of the family is able to make it work due to it being so close to new years vacation time).  FSIL then announced that they were getting married 10/11/12...also a thursday, 3 months before us, a small ceremony with reception a few weeks later on a saturday afternoon. FI and I were very upset because he has a lot of out of town relatives and we were concerned about them coming out for FSILs wedding and then saying sorry we can't afford to come again in Jan. Luckily we'd sent save the dates when we started planning in June, and jumped the gun a little on our invites in light of her news in August, so we actually had some relatives declining her wedding becaue they'd made plans for ours. 

    In planning something before your FSILs wedding, I would be concerned about people who have to travel...are you okay w/people coming to hers and not to yours, because hers was planned first? Would your FSIL hold a grudge if some family came to yours and not hers?

    Is FSIL a petty/competative person? If she is that concerned with you "stealing her spotlight" and you did decide to set your date before hers, I'd be prepared for her to do what she can to get it back, maybe try to one-up you or something.

    All that to say, just make sure you're not planning something before hers just to spite her or grab attention. If you're attached to a date/season and really don't want to wait a whole year, just because of her, I would talk to FI, make sure you're on the same page (always!) and then maybe have another conversation with FSIL. It's something I would have appreciated from my FSIL, I would have been a lot more relaxed about the whole thing if I'd known ahead of time what an intimate ceremony they were planning...explain your reasoning for planning what you do, let her know you aren't doing it to hurt her or anything. If there are family member who may have trouble traveling that you both absolutely NEED to have at your wedding, maybe talk to them to make sure that you aren't going to end up making them choose between the two weddings.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If you arent engaged, then you shouldnt be planning. Once you are officially engaged then pick a date that works for you. If your bf cant even save now, the Feb/ March date might have past by the time you get your ring.
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  • I was in a similar situation with my brother.  My H told my brother one night when they were out for drinks that he was going to propose to me a month from that night and he knew I wanted a 6 month engagement so it would be perfect for us to have the summer wedding I wanted.  Well that night my brother went home and propsed to his GF (he had the ring for 2 yrs but never would propose).  So that night he calls and tells us he's engaged and they want to get married in Lake Tahoe (we live in TX) in June.  Well @ this point I have no idea that H was planning on proposing and his plans for us to get married in June.  When H proposed I then learned all of this. Because of my brothers timing and destination wedding we chose to get married in September b/c we could not afford to plan our wedding @ the same time and go on a $1000 vacation to my brothers wedding.  I think it was shady for my brother to do that knowing what my H had planned months in advance to do.  We are now talking about getting pregnant soon and my brother and his wife never wanted kids (she has 2 older girls) and now they are talking about gaving a baby.  It always seems my brother is in competition with us.   Im over it now but H will always look @ my brother as someone to not tell things to. 

  • You don't need a ring to be engaged.  You spoke with your BF, you both came to a mutual decision to wed in Feb/March, therefor you are engaged.  As a PP mentioned, because you asked his sister and she gave the response she did, getting married before her may seem spiteful at this point but that's up to you both to decide on.  I was in a situation similar to you in terms of wedding dates with siblings and although it sucked waiting until afterwards, I'm glad I have my sister AND my husband.  I think I'd be missing my sister if I didn't wait until after her wedding, and it is worth it (IMO).
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  • I don't think its fair of her.. but I also don't think you'll enjoy your day as much at this point if you don't wait until after hers... you don't want any hard feelings spoiling the day.  In the long run a few extra months won't mean much.

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