Just Engaged!! Then FMIL makes things really awkward...

allychase

[IMG]http://i47.tinypic.com/2w39oao.jpg[/IMG]

So I finally got engaged last night!! We were on a picnic and my (then boyfriend) pulled the ring out as I was taking pictures of us, then got on one knee and told me all about how he loves me, I'm his other half, I'm all he thinks about... just enough to have me in tears lol. So immediately after I get the ring I'm on the phone with everyone letting them know, then we go over to his parents house. Well his dad didn't get up off the couch when I walked in with the ring but I went over and showed him anyway, he looked, and said "congrats" and continued watching TV. His mom seemed really excited, then a little while later when I asked her about planning (she just paid 30k for his sisters wedding) she pulls out the wedding binder and proceeds to tell me in detail what they paid for everything for his sisters wedding. Then goes on to say how they will only be paying for the rehearsal dinner. Mind you, they make a TON of money and are about to retire. My parents, on the other hand, have 9 children (5 daughters) and just dont have the money to shell out 30k for each daughter. My FI and I live on our own in our own house, he makes a good living but I'm still in college so we only have one income. Both of his sisters have two incomes and could more than afford to pay for their own wedding. It just doesn't seem right that his parents won't help us out. It's 2012, not 1800s, its not like my father will be sending me off to my new husband with a plot of land and a cow. After she felt the need to address the money issue as SOON as I got engaged, and his fathers more than lack of interest, I really don't even want them involved in the wedding planning. Sigh. What a start to the engagement!

tkddddddddd

Congrats on the engagement but...don't expect ANYONE to pay for your wedding. Doesn't matter if it's "fair" or "right". If it isn't your money, you aren't in a position to judge it. This is being said by someone marrying into a family that makes $250K a year MORE than my family easily and doesn't understand why we are spending so much on a wedding ($3K for 60). Good luck! Weddings don't need to cost $30K and if you think that is important....you may want to reevaluate your future marriage. Sit down with FI and see what you two can afford. That's your budget. If your parents want to contribute, great. If they can't, great.

[Deleted User]

Congratulations on the engagement! Technically no one HAS to pay for anything, good luck !

MobKaz

Congratulations!

"Then goes on to say how they will only be paying for the rehearsal dinner."  Thank FMIL for her gracious offer.  If you accept the offer, be prepared to have little to no say in the matter.  If you want input in the rehearsal dinner, be prepared to pay for it yourself.

My daughters in-laws hosted the entire rehearsal dinner.  It was made more formal than either DD or her FI would have planned.  However, they were grateful to have one less thing to worry about planning.  They made it a non-issue.

" I really don't even want them involved in the wedding planning."  Without generalizing, it sounds as if your budget and your FMIL's "vision" would probably be very different.  The good news here is that if you are financing the wedding, it allows you the opportunity to do what you want, with little input or influence from your FMIL.  My suggestion would be to share as little as possible to avoid any potential judgments, arguments, or drama. 

You and your fiance have the flexibility to plan the wedding you envision.

allychase

Maybe you guys should reread my post. The point is why would she need to bring this up the NIGHT I got engaged?? Isn't that supposed to happen a few weeks after the wedding, deciding who's paying for everything? I plan on spending half of what his sisters had, and I don't EXPECT anyone to pay for anything, but the fact that they are so classless to be like "Hope you know I'm not paying!" less than an HOUR after I have the ring... it's just rude and a slap in the face. I hadn't even brought up the topic of who's paying for what. Whatever! At least I know it'll be my wedding, my way. 

allychase

I should have wrote this more carefully lol

MobKaz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engaged-then-fmil-makes-things-really-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:bcc4f279-3f69-4a99-b6c5-de9af42760f6Post:eacea1fc-313b-40a8-bcf8-28107bc6db09">Re: Just Engaged!! Then FMIL makes things really awkward...</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe you guys should reread my post. The point is why would she need to bring this up the NIGHT I got engaged??<strong> Isn't that supposed to happen a few weeks after the wedding, deciding who's paying for everything?</strong> I plan on spending half of what his sisters had, and I don't EXPECT anyone to pay for anything, but the fact that they are so classless to be like "Hope you know I'm not paying!" less than an HOUR after I have the ring... it's just rude and a slap in the face. I hadn't even brought up the topic of who's paying for what. Whatever! At least I know it'll be my wedding, my way. 
Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

I agree that typically, that should not be the initial response to an engagement announcement.  And, apologies for not deciphering the intent of your original post.

That said, however, in terms of discussing <em>who</em> finances <em>what</em> for a wedding, I don't think such a discussion is ever <em>supposed </em>to happen.  The topic of financing a wedding should be a voluntary one, and only addressed if and when a party <em>other than the bride and groom</em>, introduces the topic.  Wedding planning should always begin under the assumption that the bride and groom are hosting/paying for it.

Although her timing was indeed, poor, perhaps your FMIL thought it best to address the subject immediately to avoid any future awkwardness or assumptions from you and your FI. 

GoodLuckBear14

Save yourself a lot of grief right now and stop comparing what your FILs spent on your FSIL's wedding to what they are contributing to yours.  They were probably saving for years to pay for it even though they were under no obligation to pay for her wedding.  The only people who have to pay for a wedding are the B&G.

Also, stop thinking you know what their financial situation is.  Unless you are their bookkeeper, you have no idea.

achiduck

Congrats on your engagement. While your FMILs timing may not have been great they are not required to spend the same amount (or really any amount) on your wedding as they spent on their daughters. It was generous of them to offer to throw the RD so I would graciously accept it and then go about planning the wedding that you and your FI can afford to pay for. 

jnjmommy0609

Something I have literally trained myself to do is look on the bright side of things and not focus on the **one** negative thing. Trust me it's kind of hard but it works. Bright side is obvious...you're engaged to the man you are madly in love with. That completely overpowers the reception ordeal. I think the main reason she told you right away is so you didn't have high hopes. Doesn't matter if she handled it wrong or not. You can't control what other people do. You can only control your own actions. Either way do not let these comments get to you. You're freshly engaged..go celebrate

nextrightthing

Congrats on your engagement!

I agree that you should try to have a positive attitude.  No one is obligated to pay for anything, and the offer to host a rehearsal dinner is a generous one.  Remember you are going to be marrying into his family, so try to see the best in them instead of picking them apart. 

There are lots of us paying for our own weddings, and there is nothing wrong with that.  Even if his parents are billionaires, it is up to them to decide how they spend their money.

julib33

Congratulations!

And yes her timing and attitude suck, but get over it as soon as you can. You will find that once you're engaged and planning a wedding it brings out the best (or not so best) in people.
My own dad was completely silent on the phone when I called to tell him. Instead of congratulating us, or telling me loved me he said "I know". Charming huh? But it's not a big deal because the important part of getting engaged is that you get to marry the man who loves you. Be happy and enjoy your engagement no matter what anyone says or does.

allychase

Thanks everyone for the replies, but I am 100% aware of their finances because they tell my fiance and I all the time. At least his mother does. There must be different breeds of people on the knot because I found another post completely disagreeing with the general consensus here. A suggestion to those who want to call my future marriage into question or tell me what I do or do not know without having ANY idea who I am: get a life and stop trolling the knot boards causing people grief! I agree with being honest, but when none of us know eachother, please don't be a b*tch! Again I really appreciate the people who offer their suggestions without insulting me. Thanks Also I challenge anyone on this thread to spend a day with my FIL's and listen to them go on and on about what they spent on this, and that, before judging how quickly I am to get upset with this particular financial decision. Lol

pomundson0

First, Congrats!!!!

Second, this sounds a lot like my situation, although his mom had the courtesy to wait a couple weeks.  His parents footed the bill for thier daughter's wedding, is putting another daughter through college, bought cars, etc.  My FI paid his own way on everything and has felt a bit jipped from time to time as his mom's husband makes a very very good living and the kids aren't being treated equally.  I was informed of "proper bridal ettiquette" (translation: tradition) by his mom on SEVERAL occasions, and that means the bride's family is supposed to pay, the groom's is only responsible for the rehearsal dinner and a few other odds and ends. I pointed out that this bride's family was on unemployment last year, it's not that they don't want to help, right now they CAN'T.  It's kind of a foregin concept to someone who makes a lot of money, they don't remember or know what it's like being on the broke end of things.  I also have to remind her that ettiquette and tradition are two very different things, it's tradition that's kind of going out the window.  We planned on prettymuch paying for everything ourselves (right now I'm unemployed too), and we set a budget of 5K, and we're doing really well with it  There's tons of websites and stores to help out a bride on a budget!

It is the 2000s, things are very different than what they used to be.  But there is one MAJOR positive to paying for it yourselves... you don't have to take anything you don't want to.  My mom is of the mindset that if she can send a little money my way, to use it to make the big day special and what WE want, not what she thinks it should be, no strings attached.  If they contribute, they technically have a say in things, and it can be hard to get what you guys want with their requests or demands being tossed your way.  

Good luck!

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engaged-then-fmil-makes-things-really-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:bcc4f279-3f69-4a99-b6c5-de9af42760f6Post:9197f137-2dda-43e6-9299-1c843c29411d">Just Engaged!! Then FMIL makes things really awkward...</a>:
[QUOTE][IMG] <a href="http://i47.tinypic.com/2w39oao.jpg[/IMG]" rel="nofollow">http://i47.tinypic.com/2w39oao.jpg[/IMG]</a> So I finally got engaged last night!! We were on a picnic and my (then boyfriend) pulled the ring out as I was taking pictures of us, then got on one knee and told me all about how he loves me, I'm his other half, I'm all he thinks about... just enough to have me in tears lol. So immediately after I get the ring I'm on the phone with everyone letting them know, then we go over to his parents house. Well his dad didn't get up off the couch when I walked in with the ring but I went over and showed him anyway, he looked, and said "congrats" and continued watching TV. His mom seemed really excited, then a little while later when I asked her about planning (she just paid 30k for his sisters wedding) she pulls out the wedding binder and proceeds to tell me in detail what they paid for everything for his sisters wedding. Then goes on to say how they will only be paying for the rehearsal dinner. Mind you, they make a TON of money and are about to retire. My parents, on the other hand, have 9 children (5 daughters) and just dont have the money to shell out 30k for each daughter. My FI and I live on our own in our own house, he makes a good living but I'm still in college so we only have one income. Both of his sisters have two incomes and could more than afford to pay for their own wedding. It just doesn't seem right that his parents won't help us out. It's 2012, not 1800s, its not like my father will be sending me off to my new husband with a plot of land and a cow. After she felt the need to address the money issue as SOON as I got engaged, and his fathers more than lack of interest, I really don't even want them involved in the wedding planning. Sigh. What a start to the engagement!
Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

JIC

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engaged-then-fmil-makes-things-really-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:bcc4f279-3f69-4a99-b6c5-de9af42760f6Post:2feeee5e-e988-4f38-909c-a564a16d80d0">Re: Just Engaged!! Then FMIL makes things really awkward...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for the replies, but I am 100% aware of their finances because they tell my fiance and I all the time. At least his mother does. There must be different breeds of people on the knot because I found another post completely disagreeing with the general consensus here. A suggestion to those who want to call my future marriage into question or tell me what I do or do not know without having ANY idea who I am: get a life and stop trolling the knot boards causing people grief! I agree with being honest, but when none of us know eachother, please don't be a b*tch! Again I really appreciate the people who offer their suggestions without insulting me. Thanks :) Also I challenge anyone on this thread to spend a day with my FIL's and listen to them go on and on about what they spent on this, and that, before judging how quickly I am to get upset with this particular financial decision. Lol
Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

What they spend their money on is absolutely none of your business.

allychase

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engaged-then-fmil-makes-things-really-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:bcc4f279-3f69-4a99-b6c5-de9af42760f6Post:296cf552-4610-4bf0-a3b1-c1db613459c2">Re: Just Engaged!! Then FMIL makes things really awkward...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Just Engaged!! Then FMIL makes things really awkward... : JIC
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

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</div><div>
</div><div>Thank GOD you quoted this!! Or else what would you and your friends have done if I deleted it?! You would have had to assume what I wrote!! That would have totally sucked! LMao you guys are so funny </div>

allychase

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engaged-then-fmil-makes-things-really-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:bcc4f279-3f69-4a99-b6c5-de9af42760f6Post:20dc7ecc-387f-41fb-9a66-67b4d010b97c">Re: Just Engaged!! Then FMIL makes things really awkward...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just Engaged!! Then FMIL makes things really awkward... : I agree that typically, that should not be the initial response to an engagement announcement.  And, apologies for not deciphering the intent of your original post. That said, however, in terms of discussing who finances what for a wedding, I don't think such a discussion is ever supposed to happen.  The topic of financing a wedding should be a voluntary one, and only addressed if and when a party other than the bride and groom , introduces the topic.  Wedding planning should always begin under the assumption that the bride and groom are hosting/paying for it. Although her timing was indeed, poor, perhaps your FMIL thought it best to address the subject immediately to avoid any future awkwardness or assumptions from you and your FI. 
Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>If this is something that shouldn't be discussed, then why is there a "hash out who's contributing to the wedding" check on the wedding checklist on this VERY website?</div>

MobKaz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engaged-then-fmil-makes-things-really-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:bcc4f279-3f69-4a99-b6c5-de9af42760f6Post:7bdfb78f-23e8-461e-aa44-9cf10f1303b1">Re: Just Engaged!! Then FMIL makes things really awkward...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just Engaged!! Then FMIL makes things really awkward... : If this is something that shouldn't be discussed, then why is there a "hash out who's contributing to the wedding" check on the wedding checklist on this VERY website?
Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]


**Allychase.....I mean no disrespect, but any checklist that uses the term, <strong><em><u>"hash out"</u></em></strong> when referring to contributions is not one into which I would put much stock.  There is nothing to review or discuss.  It is not polite nor appropriate to ask for money on your own behalf.

The same website also seems to think you would not know to "thank your parents", "tell them you love them", or "relax and enjoy your day" without their checklist.  These are <u>guidelines </u>painted with a VERY broad brushstroke.