Hi, everyone.
New here, and maybe this is a bad introduction, but this topic has been eating at me all week.
FI proposed last Saturday (11-5), just us. I said yes. (EEK! The thought still makes me giddy.) Right after he called his parents and I called mine. His parents were thrilled, immediately changed their anniversary dinner plans to include us and whoever else in his family could come. My parents were much more reserved, but said they were happy and wished us well and wanted to know when we'd be up to see them and tell the rest of the family. I said he and I needed to discuss schedule and get back to them, and I'd be happy to hear if they had any ideas. Dad says he'll call me Sunday evening. I was still in shock BIG TIME, so I figured the cooler reaction from my folks was just because I was still in shock.
No call from the folks on Sunday. My dad emailed me that he was waiting for a call, and that he and FI needed to talk. I do not generally check my email every day, so I missed it. Dad calls me immediately before I go to work Monday to tell me how he's angry with me and more angry with FI. He believed FI should have asked him and mom first, and he thought FI was disrespectful for asking me without talking to him and I was disrespectful for accepting without insisting FI ask him first. He continues that we gave NO thought to my family, that I am cutting them out. I was devastated, in tears. FI was next to me, heard the whole conversation, and was angry and upset. That night, I talk to mom, who explains that dad is hurt more than anything, and that I can't give them news like this over the phone. She says they have the right to hear something like this "where we can see you and touch you." My parents live 2 hours away, FI and I are both extremely busy between full time work with demanding schedules and grad school half time.
The next day, my mom offers a not-pology by way of an article that describes modern proposal ettiquette, which pretty much followed what we did. FI and I make arrangements to go up to see them this past Saturday (11-12). I had off, and FI went to a lot of trouble to get off from his third shift so that we could stay as long as we wanted. I ask if the folks would be willing to host a small get-together for my family (immediate family, grandma, my sponsors and their spouses). They say yes, and ask me what I want to do for it. I say I don't really know, and I would appreciate their help. My mom plans stuff, sends me links to planning stuff, including this site. I also told them that their party was the official debut of the ring, since it was in getting resized all last week.
So, at the party were snide comments half the night about me not making any decisions, and about how long everyone's been waiting for my engagement and how old I am (32??!!). A few extra family came (no biggie), and my parents had told nearly everyone in advance (they claim people guessed), despite making a big deal about how I had to announce this to guests and getting upset that I hadn't considered how I wanted to make the announcement. Also, one aunt/uncle congratulated my parents before FI and me, to which my parents said "Oh, yes, we're so happy, thank you." and continued conversation about themselves.
I respect their right to their feelings, but I can't help continuing to feel angry and upset about all this. I think that if being asked was so important to them, they owed it to me to tell me a long time ago. I also think that regardless of how they feel, they've behaved horribly towards me. FI is upset about this, too. Our friends pretty much think my parents are *jerks* and this behavior is not okay.
Sorry so long, but I'd appreciate some outside perspective if anyone is willing to offer it.