Engaged and Afraid

gat0618

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redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-afraid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:cd042262-89ef-4f4b-a632-00e9d937206bPost:6f40f5d4-e791-48a9-bca6-0e6fc498ab29">Engaged and Afraid</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I got engaged right before Thanksgiving and I am feeling a lot of pressure. I never wanted a wedding or reception-- I always just thought I would do the legal stuff and be done. The problem is my future husband wants a party. I do not like lots of people and being at 75-80 people is kind of freaking me out. We have a budget of 5k (not counting dress or rings) and I can't really find any venue that I like in the ann arbor/detroit area that is within the budget that doesnt feel tacky/cheap. I have repeatedly tried to explain to my guy that I really don't want this and that since he does I really would appreciate his help but he is not interested in helping. He will come to look at venues but is relying on me to find everything. What do I do?
Posted by gat0618[/QUOTE]

Talk to your FI. This is a relationship problem, not a wedding problem. You two can't talk about the wedding, how are you going to solve real problems?


But say, "Honey, I don't want a traditional wedding.  I do not like lots of people because of X. I feel X. I would prefer if we did X. However, as a gift to you I am willing to compromise and have a traditional wedding as is it is a dream of yours. Since I do not want it, do you understand how unfair you are being by wanting me to plan it? So since a traditional wedding is your dream, you should be the planner. I will help you out with the small stuff; however, I'm not going to take the lead on this. If you want a traditional wedding, then you need to start working on the venue, guest list, etc."

ehenry010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-afraid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:cd042262-89ef-4f4b-a632-00e9d937206bPost:18ffc211-7dbe-4454-a4f2-9068368b0f8e">Re: Engaged and Afraid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Engaged and Afraid : Talk to your FI. This is a relationship problem, not a wedding problem. You two can't talk about the wedding, how are you going to solve real problems? But say, "Honey, I don't want a traditional wedding.  I do not like lots of people because of X. I feel X. I would prefer if we did X. However, as a gift to you I am willing to compromise and have a traditional wedding as is it is a dream of yours. Since I do not want it, do you understand how unfair you are being by wanting me to plan it? So since a traditional wedding is your dream, you should be the planner. I will help you out with the small stuff; however, I'm not going to take the lead on this. If you want a traditional wedding, then you need to start working on the venue, guest list, etc."
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Couldn't have said it better!

</div>

achiduck

Ditto Redhead. If I was in your shoes my FI and I would be having a come to jesus talk.

He needs to respect your feelings and help out.

meganb1977

gat, I ran into the exact same problem with my fiance and it was really upsetting at first.  I had the same issues with him wanting a bigger party while the idea of even 75-80 people was very uncomfortable for me, and we also had a small budget for our wedding which didn't seem like it was going to accommodate any of the nicer venues in our area.

Ultimately my fiance realized that he needed to take the burden off my shoulders if he wanted the party so he has stepped up and made some calls and has been involved so the planning has been something we have done together.  Agree with redheadfsu that you need to let your fiance know how you feel and that you know the party is important to him, and you are willing to step outside your comfort zone for him, but if he wants the party you need him to give to you as well and take some of the burden off of your shoulders in planning it.  Even if you need to get a mediator (mutual friend, minister, counselor, whoever) to help the two of you stay calm and understand each other more clearly, it will be important for you to meet in the middle somewhere.

Perhaps if you both show your cards...exactly what does he want as far as type of location, number of guests, food and beverage, music, flowers, and other bells and whistles?  And what would you do if it was left up to you?  That might give you a better idea of your middle ground.  I wanted parents and siblings on a beach, which didn't appeal to fiance.  He wanted 150-200 people with a church and reception hall, which didn't appeal to me.  We're doing 75 people on a riverboat, with a tropical theme, headed to a tropical destination for our honeymoon, and planning a vow renewal on a beach sometime in the future.  I also had my bridal portraits taken on a beach.  So I still had lots of beachy elements, and 75 people allowed fiance to have all the people who were really important to him without busting our budget, which was a big factor in him agreeing to lower his expectations on the guest list.

Keep researching venues and check the budget board for ideas there, they will have lots of recommendations like holding your event at a non-meal time where you can serve cake, punch, and maybe a few finger foods and considering church halls or facilities at local parks.

Good luck with everything :-)