Engaged and Underaged

calindi

This is taken from an article that is written by a psychologist and marriage counselor in regards to the "But my grandparents married at 19!" argument:

"Some couples seem intent on convincing me they're ready for marriage at a young age, that people have married young for eons, and it worked out fine for them. I'm sure that was true in some eras, probably when the general population wasn't expected to live past forty or fifty. But consider: In 1890, the average age of American males at first marriage was slightly over twenty-six years. The median age for females in 1890 was 22 years. Through the years, the average gradually declined to 22.8 for males and 20.3 for females after the Second World War in 1950. But by 1988 the average age for men at first marriage was back up to 25.9, and the average age for women had reached an all-time high of 23.6. The average age at marriage for females is higher now than at any time in our history, and there is a slow, upward trend. "

Full article can be seen here: http://www.mynippon.com/dreamland/marriage-age.htm

Oh, and this one's a real gem, too!  This is for those of you who say, "But if we know we're going to be together anyway, why wait?":

 

"According to research at the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School, one of the clearest predictors of whether wedding vows will stick is the age of the people saying them. Take the '80s: a full 81% of college graduates who got hitched in that decade at age 26 or older were still married 20 years later. Only 65% of college grads who said I do before their 26th birthday made it that far. But just 49% of those who married young and did so without a degree lasted 20 years."

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-underaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:f4529e15-e570-4bea-ac95-152445ab3d7fPost:0f05298d-4b4f-4fc1-afa0-52ab9994cc5f">Re: Engaged and Underaged</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engaged and Underaged : I will have a college education, I am financially stable, please don't judge someone you know nothing about. Getting married at all the statistics are against you, but I refuse to be a statistic. In my family and in my own life divorce is not an option except in the extreme case of abuse or infidelity (though the second is possibly forgivable). I am going into marriage knowing I am committed for life, legally, publicly, and as an adult. Yes, life has changed in the last 50 years but some things shouldn't have like the fact that people even CONSIDER divorce when they get married.  Sorry OP to jack your board with my soapbox but some people really bother me with their<strong> high and mighty ageism.</strong> I think if your family and friends, people who close to you, not random anonymous group of people online, approve then have an awesome wedding. 
Posted by Ready2BMrsWade[/QUOTE]

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Threads like this make me seriously worry about the fate of human society.

Tula214

Being another 19 year old and engaged, I can see both sides of this. I think overall.. no matter how old you are, you may still end up in divorce. For some people, divorce is the end of the world. To others, it's a new beginning.

What I think has driven the divorce rate up in certain time periods, (and I haven't researched this, just a thought) is the young people going into the military that feel like they have to have a love attatchment back home. I've seen this is so many of my friends, and in other peoples' families.

Everyone's lives are different. I was forced out of my childhood much too early, and had to take care of my autistic brother, and an alcoholic/abusive mother. As a broken teenager I stepped into 3 long term relationships. Never did I even want to get married to them. I always thought I was wayyyy too young. Most of the time I didn't even want to be tied down. All of a sudden, my best friend of 4 years turns into my new boyfriend, and a couple years later I can't see myself with anyone else. I'm a much stronger person now, and I'm ready to continue growing... with him.

Sorry that was long. I know everyone's opinions will always be the same. Just thought I'd contribute since everyone else was too.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-underaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:f4529e15-e570-4bea-ac95-152445ab3d7fPost:70fa5b0d-fbb6-4b38-99f7-2b75f7afcc52">Re: Engaged and Underaged</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engaged and Underaged : Okay. Wow. Where to even begin with this entire monstrosity is almost overwhelming. First of all you say you "recently" got engaged. If that's true how on earth have you already worked out who's paying for what, pissed off guests who won't be invited, even figured out WHO is getting invited, or any of the other 20 things you've "completed" that make no sense. Your post is all over the place. You wanted to move a state away but you already know where you want to go to GRADUATE SCHOOL? HTH can you know where you want to go to Grad School when you haven't even made it through one SEMESTER/QUARTER of undergrad. You aren't intending on getting married for two years so I would slow the f-up and relax on the planning. I'm not an advocate for young marriage but sometimes they do work. They do not work, however, when one or both parties appears to live in a fantasy dream-world with unicorns and puppies. (**see OP**) <strong>And please inform me of the amazing full-time jobs you both have, while being full-time students that are going to allow you to pay ANYTHING for a 350 person wedding and buy a house? I</strong> need one of those  jobs now and I've got two degrees. Back off the wedding ledge and cool your heels - it's achingly apparent you've either decided your entire life in the last month (or however long it's been since you got engaged) or you're one of those 16 year old girls who had it all "figured out" the second you started dating. God bless America on this one.
Posted by nottheonlydreamer44[/QUOTE]

Amen to this. I want to know, too. Please share.

abgpal11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-underaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:f4529e15-e570-4bea-ac95-152445ab3d7fPost:f1572919-0c82-47bd-b083-2f16c29d548e">Re: Engaged and Underaged</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank You everyone who has posted their opinions and ideas toward my engagement.  But perhaps I was not as clear as I should have been.  My fiance and I have a very strong bond with our families and originally we planned to move a state away, but figured we wanted to be close to them when we would decide to start a family so we thought it best if we stayed close.  We never considered staying based on them <strong>helping us financially.  I'm not going to lie and say that they won't but like any other new couple moving into their first home and dealing with college tuition it is inevitable that we won't need help. </strong>My fiance and I also wanted to pay for our own wedding we originally wanted something small with some family and a few friends but because of family conflict many people were offended when they found out they would not be invited (aunts, cousins, friends of the family who I haven't seen since birth) and our families felt it would be easier to just invite them.  It does sound like our families will be contributing to a majority of the wedding but we will be paying a portion as well.  <strong>We both have full time jobs as well as being full time students.</strong> <strong> And because we both work and have financial support this is what I meant by being financially stable. </strong> We have also been loving and enjoying our freshman year we have different friends and are interested in different activities which makes it easier to still have our free time without each other.  Our friends were hesitant at first but are very supportive now.  And lastly before anyone comments on the time I am engaged now but I won't be getting married for another 2 years my wedding date is set for April 22, 2012! So now that I have eliminated all questions about financial stability, timing, and guest count does anyone have advice that I can used towards my wedding planning.  Thank you
Posted by GonzalezWed[/QUOTE]

First of all, there's a big difference in trying to sign a lease/buy something and realizing you need 'help' and starting out your marriage ASSUMING that mommy and daddy are going to foot the bill if you can't.  Are you going to go back home for the night if you and your FI have a fight?  Seems like you're counting on them to take care of everything for you.

Second of all - the thing about school?  I seriously laughed.  You have NO IDEA what you are talking about.  Taking the wedding issue aside completely, you have no idea what college is about.  You haven't finished one semester.  I'm finishing degree #2 and I am STILL figuring out things about how to best approach academics.  College isn't something where you go for a few weeks and get a pat on the back because you haven't fallen flat on your face yet.  And just because things are going great 3 months in doesn't mean that the next 4 years are going to be a piece of cake.  Unless you're majoring in Polkadots 101, I guarantee you that you will land in AT LEAST one class (minimum) that just about kills you.  Going to college is just like life - things change and you have to adapt to them, and the older you get hopefully you are more adaptable.  And, stating the obvious, but I guarantee you that classes you're taking your junior & senior year are going to require a bit more dedication than the run of the mill freshman requirements. 

And - what the heck kind of job do you have???  Please let us know because I'm sure we'd all love to have that kind of job.  I'm sure that some people have done it out of necessity, but I find it hard to believe that being a full time worker while being a full time student the entire time you're in college is going to be easy as you think it is.  Taking on a full time job + full time school is taking on A LOT.  Throw in a marriage when you're not even independent of your parents, and you've got a super stressful life.  But if your parents are going to be there to fix every little thing for you, then maybe you won't be so stressed out after all.  Not to mention that college is EXPENSIVE and unless you're getting 100% government aid, you ARE going to be in debt.  Period.

We're not saying this to be big bullies for the fun of it.  This is advice from people who have been there.  Unless you're stomping your feet about all of this, what would it hurt to actually consider talkigng to your FI about these things?  And what's the big deal in pushing the wedding back?  If you're sure he's the one now, he'll still be the one in a few years

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-underaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:f4529e15-e570-4bea-ac95-152445ab3d7fPost:4440513b-4499-4512-bea5-106ba510354b">Re: Engaged and Underaged</a>:
[QUOTE]Being another 19 year old and engaged, I can see both sides of this. I think overall.. no matter how old you are, you may still end up in divorce. For some people, divorce is the end of the world. To others, it's a new beginning. What I think has driven the divorce rate up in certain time periods, (and I haven't researched this, just a thought) is the young people going into the military that feel like they have to have a love attatchment back home. I've seen this is so many of my friends, and in other peoples' families. Everyone's lives are different. I was forced out of my childhood much too early, and had to take care of my autistic brother, and an alcoholic/abusive mother. As a broken teenager I stepped into 3 long term relationships. Never did I even want to get married to them. I always thought I was wayyyy too young. Most of the time I didn't even want to be tied down. All of a sudden, my best friend of 4 years turns into my new boyfriend, and a couple years later I can't see myself with anyone else. I'm a much stronger person now, and I'm ready to continue growing... with him. Sorry that was long. I know everyone's opinions will always be the same. Just thought I'd contribute since everyone else was too.
Posted by Tula214[/QUOTE]

The whole military argument here is silly.  Sure, military personnel have always had high rates of divorce compared to the general population.  This has to do with the stress of deployment, regular changes of station, lower pay, etc.  This also has to do with young marriages - the higest rate of divorce in the military?  Soldiers under 21 years old when they get married.  Why they get married isn't as important as their age.  Officers get divorced at a rate less than half that of Enlisted.  Education, age.  It matters.

Also, the military makes up only 0.5% of the American population.  That would hardly drag the national statistics one way or the other.

Look, if you were going in for an elective surgery and were told that having it today at age 20, it would carry the risk of a 51% mortality rate, but if you waited 6 years, it would only have a 29% mortality rate... I mean, no question, right?  If it's elective to begin with, there's no reason to do it RIGHT NOW, and waiting brings significant benefits.  The smart thing to do is wait.  If someone told you, "You know, I know Jane had that surgery at 18 years old, and she's still alive!  You'll be totally safe."  You'd think they were nuts!  You wouldn't go, "Oh, okay, if Jane's alive then I'm sure I'll be fine, so to heck with the statistics because I know that I will live, too!  Dying isn't an option!"

Or maybe you would... but I wouldn't!  Also, food for thought - divorce might be a choice, but the challenges you will go through getting married young can make for some unhappy transitions.  You might choose not to get divorced and still end up in an unhappy marriage because you rushed into things.

SeaTea02

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-underaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:f4529e15-e570-4bea-ac95-152445ab3d7fPost:98354173-d02c-4209-a81b-709822cd008a">Re: Engaged and Underaged</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engaged and Underaged : The whole military argument here is silly.  Sure, military personnel have always had high rates of divorce compared to the general population.  This has to do with the stress of deployment, regular changes of station, lower pay, etc.  This also has to do with young marriages - the higest rate of divorce in the military?  Soldiers under 21 years old when they get married.  Why they get married isn't as important as their age.  Officers get divorced at a rate less than half that of Enlisted.  Education, age.  It matters. Also, the military makes up only 0.5% of the American population.  That would hardly drag the national statistics one way or the other. Look, if you were going in for an elective surgery and were told that having it today at age 20, it would carry the risk of a 51% mortality rate, but if you waited 6 years, it would only have a 29% mortality rate... I mean, no question, right?  If it's elective to begin with, there's no reason to do it RIGHT NOW, and waiting brings significant benefits.  The smart thing to do is wait.  If someone told you, "You know, I know Jane had that surgery at 18 years old, and she's still alive!  You'll be totally safe."  You'd think they were nuts!  You wouldn't go, "Oh, okay, if Jane's alive then I'm sure I'll be fine, so to heck with the statistics because I know that I will live, too!  Dying isn't an option!" Or maybe you would... but I wouldn't!  Also, food for thought - divorce might be a choice, but the challenges you will go through getting married young can make for some unhappy transitions.  You might choose not to get divorced and still end up in an unhappy marriage because you rushed into things.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

We need to save this comparison to surgery for NEY :)

Tula214

Also thought I'd add that I'm very confused because you say you're having a 350 person wedding, but your knottie badges say BUDGET and DIY.. that's contradicting only a little.

nottheonlydreamer44

I'm going to go ahead and hope that for the sake of my own sanity, the OP is a Troll and just came here to stir up the dramaz.

However, on the off-chance that any of this ridiculous horseshit is actually true then the OP needs to come back and clear things up here. I have worked since I was 14, during college I often had 2 or 3 jobs at a time on top of full-time school work. It was not easy but I did it. I continued to do it with my second BA and I'm continuing to do it now while working on my Masters.

I know you said your parents paid your tuition in full but again what job (s) do the two of you have that can even come close to being able to save for a house, plan for a family, and pay for a wedding that will involve (apparently) 300+ people.

No of it makes any sense. I just want to know how you've figured ALL this out in the span of maybe a month. How on earth did you upset cousins and friends of friends, so drastically that you are now forced into inviting them to your "magical day"?

I'm probably just feeding the Troll but someone needs a come to Jesus moment in a hurry.

vicki0508

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-underaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:f4529e15-e570-4bea-ac95-152445ab3d7fPost:4601bde6-e39b-4250-b69c-58e0a98afb8a">Re: Engaged and Underaged</a>:
[QUOTE]  My rule of thumb is, if you cannot legally drink the champagne toast at your wedding, you have no business getting married.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Thank you!  I made this point the other day (I think on E?) and people thought I was crazy!  If the powers-that-be have decided you aren't mature enough to handle alcohol until you're 21, how can you remotely be mature enough to handle a marriage at 18?

OP, I also think it's extremely premature to be talking about grad school.  How can you be sure you even get into grad school?  Much less the same grad school.  Or graduate college for that matter.  I'm just very uncomfortable with a lot of these decisions you have made.  Back off the wedding planning train, and focus on school work.