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Friends vent, still wedding related but long

My friends are just annoying me in droves today apparently!

To start: I have a friend who is 30, and he went to high school with my sister but it wasn't until I was in high school that we got close. I was going through a rough patch personally and with my sister and he was just there for me and became my best friend. He's a traditional roman catholic with an "old" soul, and great a giving advice and very intellectual, and i'm an atheist and also enjoy being intellectual so we just connect on that level. But since the end of my senior year and wehn I went to college in fall of 2010 we've kinda just been friends not best friends since I met my fiance when I went college. We've kept in touch as best we could, trying to see each other despite busy schedules when I was home on break and emailing 2-3 times a month when I was at Uni. This year, however, he is in Nepal so it's a little more difficult. He gets free wif-fi and what not but with my life at school and his there, it's bene hard. He was, however, the first person not from school I told was engaged and he has been most informed about what's what with myself and my fiance and our plans.

So i sent him an email to catch up after winter break and the start of my spring semester two weeks ago. He inquired about our wedding plans and I said to him that my father due to job complications may not be able to actual fund the wedding like he thought he would be able too; a little heartbreaking but my fiance and I are more than happy to just get married at the couthouse. I said that my father slightly implied that maybe i should dip into my nest-egg that my family set aside for me so I could the wedding, but that I didn't want to do that. I'd rather save the money for helping out with student loans and bills once I've graduated rather than on a wedding. I made sure to emphasize that nothing was certain, I'm still not gettnig married until 2014 after I graduate, so I wasn't really thinking about it since I'd be married either way, big wedding celebration or not.

He replied that I shouldn't be so selfish. That I should think how much others want to celebrate myself and my fiances love and should have the wedding celebration anyway. It was selfish of me to just get married at the courthouse when there were so many people (himself included) who would want to share in our happiness. 

I was steamed, needless to say. Here I thought I was being smart financially and rather than flushing money away on a big ceremony with all the people I was saving my money to pay off my debt! But apparently I;m selfish for wanting a good credit and no debt so I can start saving for a house and not live with my parents with my fiance until were 35. 

I haven't replied to him yet but I was pretty bummed out all day over that. He is one of my oldest and dearest friends, who has supported and helped through a whole lot and has never said anything so hurtful ever. My friends from school noticed my mood at lunch and asked what was up. Mind you I am careful to never talk wedding with them because let's face it I'm engaged as a sophomore and that's just not the usual around here and since I won't be married for another two years I keep it pretty low-key. But on this occasion I hadn't seen my fiance yet to talk to him about it and really needed to vent so I just explained it all to them ending with "I just don't know what to say to him guys..." or something like that which was a question more than a state that implied CLEARLY that I was looking for advice/support/help.

They're reaction: "Oh. So this weekend when we were drinking over at the Delta house..."

-.- Look I admit that it's not going to be easy for my friends to give advice on wedding things or talk about my future with me since mine is so different from theirs. But a little support would be nice. It's hard for me to relate to them anymore, they're so focused on their weekend escapades and I'm just trying to do well in school and get an internship and graduate and get a good job. It is a little harder for my fiance and I since we're straight edge, but this year is worse than it was last year with how out of place we feel with them sometimes. We do our best but when they do things like just totally ignore me when I'm calling upon them as friends (wedding or not!) I just start to feel more and more apart from them.

So i guess what I'm asking by posting this shenanagins is: 
1) How the heck do I reply to my friends email!?
2) Does anybody else ever find they have difficutly relating to their college friends anymore? 

If you've read all of that ^^ YOU ROCK AND THANK YOU *hugs*
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Re: Friends vent, still wedding related but long

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    1) I would respond by saying that you have to do what is best for your future and while you understand that some may be disappointed that there may not be a big expensive party after the ceremony you would certainly love to celebrate with them in a smaller way, such as getting together for a night out.

    2) People drift apart. It's an unavoidable part of life. Try making some new friends who can relate better to you and that you feel you have more in common with. It doesn't mean you have to stop talking to the friends you have now but you can't make them change so sometimes it's better to find people who do understand.


  • 1) This is complicated and also cultural, but I doubt he meant to be hurtful.  It's obviously up to you to have the wedding you want to have, but sometimes people do feel a little bit hurt if they don't get to celebrate with you.  For some people, the idea of getting to watch your ceremony is really, really meaningful.  (FWIW, it's also quite possible to have a cake-and-punch reception for a large number of people and let them celebrate with you at low cost.)  It was absolutely wrong of him to call you selfish, though, and if you're good enough friends, you should feel free to call him out on that.  (Just in a "Dude, that was out of line" kind of way.)

    2. Growing apart.  It happens.  As PP said, you should start looking for friends with whom you have more in common.  Maybe some other younger couples?  (Also, it sounds like your friends are really ridiculously self-centered?)

  • thank you both for your replies!

    As far as the long tim friend goes, I'll probably do what you said, just try to explain my situation calmly.I think i just got so annoyed with him because of the whole selfish thing and because he was flipping on me for something that is still two years away and will probably not happen. I like the suggestion of doing a little get together informally after the marriage at the courthouse, I think that would  be a nice happy medium for everybody.

    For my friends at school. I realize i made them sound super self-centered but they aren't so much, i was just trying to give examples of how they are sometimes. Finding new friends would be super hard to do, especially to find ones who don't drink or are in committed relationships. Yes there are younger couples that I know not only on campus but from my old high school friends too but none of them are "as serious" (they're words not mine) as my fiance and I are. 

    Again, thank you both. I really appreciate the advice and you taking the time to read this, I really needed to just get it out Smile
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