Invite the whole grad student cohort?

kfcrawford

Hi fellow students!
I have a big guest list quandary and I hope other students can help me decide. I am in a graduate program and my cohort is fairly small (about 18 people in all). My fiance and I are paying for our wedding, so we need to keep the guest list under 80 people. The majority of the guest list will be family, but I have room to invite a few friends. Out of my 18 classmates, I spend a fair amount of time with 10 of them, but I am really close to three of them. I am worried about inviting my three close friends from my graduate program because I don't want to hurt others' feelings. Some classmates have already asked if they are invited to the wedding, and one told me he expects to be invited to the wedding!

I can't invite all my classmates because that would blow the budget out of the water, especially since my other good friends are from outside the program. Is it better to leave everyone from my grad program off the list so no one gets upset? It seems like it would be easier to explain that we can only really invite family and we can't invite anyone from the program than to explain why some are invited and others aren't. At the same time, though, it's important to me that my close friends from school who know me and my fiance very well are present to share the fun. What would you ladies do?

LauraT25

We're shooting for 80 as well, and family makes up a pretty large bulk of the guest list.  We're both inviting a few people from our labs, and my FI isn't inviting anyone from his program because he isn't close with any of them anymore.

My year is even smaller (9 people besides me) and I only invited the two students that I am close to and regularly go out of my way to spend time with.  I see most of the others on a regular basis, get along with them, and hang out with them if it just works out that way, but I don't feel bad not inviting them at all.

I mailed the Save-the-Dates and will mail the invitations, rather than handing them out in person to avoid any awkwardness, and both girls know that I didn't invite the other students so we don't discuss the wedding in front of them.

I think you should invite the three, because you want them there.  When people ask you if they're invited (which is rude, but people do it all the time without thinking), just tell them you're having a small wedding and unfortunately you can't invite them.  Don't talk about the wedding, and when people bring it up mutter something vague about not having anything planned yet because it's still early (if that's true) or just say, "We're having a really small intimate wedding, we're really excited" and change the subject.

OneLove1727

I agree with everyone who is saying invite your three closest friends.  I'm inviting my PI, a few friends and really no one else.  One idea- that my labmate did when she got married- was to throw a bbq after the wedding (they chose the day after, but really you could wait til after the honeymoon) for their friends that they couldn't invite.  They made sure everyone knew that they were still important, but they just couldn't afford to have a big wedding.  It's your wedding, and your day.  You should get to choose who is there with you and not feel guilty about who is not.  If people are making you feel guilty, they really dont have your intrests at heart.  Good luck! 

P.S. How are you all dealing with planning while trying to finish graduate degrees??? I'm working on my labwork, thesis, getting a post doc, and moving --- and planning a wedding... feeling a little overwhelmed....

OneLove1727

I'm hoping my experiments cooperate in the next 4 months before our big move... if they do I'll be writing for no more than 3 months and then done.   Hopefully.  But our wedding is going to be in a different state *Michigan*, we're moving from the DC area to Minnesota (and haven't found an apt yet)... his family is out of state (Northeast)... and I don't have a postdoc lined up... lol.  I was hoping planning would be easier and I could get some of the big decisions made before I start writing, so that we can have a wedding next summer to fall.. but I'm starting to wonder if it's just going to have to be postponed.  Good luck on your exam!!!!  What program are you in?

kfcrawford

Wow- that is quite a move! No wonder you're stressed. I hope your experiments go well and you can stay on schedule. Have you made any of your big decisions yet? I guess planning for a lot of out of town guests is one of the tricky aspects. I found that planning became somewhat less stressful once I found a venue that did all the catering and linens so I could cross off multiple large tasks at once. Maybe there's a convenient package in Michigan! 
I'm getting my Ph.D. in international relations, so my exam is the first of two qualifying exams that I have to pass before I can start writing my dissertation.  

OneLove1727

Nice... we had our qualifiers at the end of year one and two.  Then experiments until your committee says you can start writing.    I've been at this degree for 5 years now.  I just want it over!  lol.
We started to make some of the big decisions- like that it's going to be in MI... next year sometime... lol. But we haven't chosen a venue yet.  We're not going to be back there until July- so I've sent my MOH out looking at some of the sites- to email me pictures and give me a better idea than what I can get online, but even that is stressful- she has a different design asthetic than me.  So, hopefully I'll pick the venue and date when I go home... until then its figuring out where to look and researching.
Did you get to look at a lot of places before choosing a venue, or did it just fall into place? Are you finding it hard to stay in a budget?

kfcrawford

Our venue fell into place after a brief online search of about four places. It's actually a country club where I used to work as a camp counselor and once I saw it was within the budget I knew it was perfect for us. My FI's only requirement was the outdoor part, and he likes what he has seen in pictures (and the ease of choosing the place). I did the contract negotiations and preliminary arrangements over the phone since the location is in my home town, but I'm meeting with the event coordinator over the summer to work out all the details and see how everything will fall into place.
The reception was/is my biggest budget worry, which is why I'm stressed out about the guest list, but if that stays under control the budget should work out.