Students

When did weddings become about everybody else?

I am getting married in November (theoretically) and want to get the planning done early because I have to start internships and labs later this summer that will pretty much take over my life. I told everyone in my wedding and all of the family this about three days after getting engaged. They seem cool with it and are trying to be more than helpful. Also, we figured starting to pile stuff up and lay things away would help since we're on a budget.

Recently, I posed a question about indecisive bridesmaids on another board. All the question asked was how to get them to decide on dresses and did not mention anything about when to order them. Several of the ladies seemed quite upset at the thought that I was asking them to even think about it this early.

Shouldn't I be more concerned with trying to finish school? That is why I planned my wedding for a break when FI would be able to travel and I would not have to miss anything. I don't see a problem with asking them to at least help me select a style (which they don't seem to know how to do but that's another story) so it can be ordered when the time comes. The girls are the ones who keep bringing it up, and I did not mind getting it out of the way. Plus, they knew the situation before agreeing to be in the wedding.

It seems like everytime I post a question, everyone thinks I'm crazy for even mentioning an idea this far out. FI and I are the ones paying for most of this so we are trying to put things on layaway or get things on sale. All of the other boards seem to give the message that I am majorly putting someone out everytime I bring up something about my wedding party or day in general. FI and I just want a happy day with no stress, but it seems like more stress is coming from trying to accomodate everyone else. So, why have weddings, even ceremonies, become so much about the people attending?
I would believe only in a God that knows how to dance. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Re: When did weddings become about everybody else?

  • I think it's just because for the most part a lot of the ladies on this webiste tend to realy stick to the typical etiquette and guidelines. There are some risks about having them pick something now (not like  it later, store won't have it later etc etc), but you are obviously just trying to get ahead of things because you'll be so busy later on and since your bridesmaids know this it really isn't a problem.

    Honestly, I don't feel that weddings/ceremonies have become more about the people who are attending. In my opinion, that only happens if the couple getting married allows that happen. Yes, because weddings are such a business and huge deal now like they never were before there is a lot more outside pressure from families and friends, even "etiqeutte" pressure. The couple, however, can choose to resist that pressure.

    From my own experience: my family is expecting a wedding, big or small, they just want the whole ceremony and reception thing, hell my dads already offered a lot of money for us to have one. But my fiance and I are not like that: our wedding day is about us committing to each other forever. So we're eloping. It's what we want of our day, not what others want. 

    I guess what I'm saying is don't get brought down by others. You and your fiance know what you want from your wedding, stay true to that and you're wedding will  be exactly what you want. If you want and need to start planning, then start planning. Don't worry about who sneers at it. You know what you're doing is right for your wedding, so keep doing it. 
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  • It stopped being your day when you decided to invite guests.

    Everyone has busy lives.  You are far from being alone in this respect.  When I got married, I had just moved to Philadelphia, was trying to find a job in law, was studying for the PA bar exam after four years of practice in Ohio and was working a part time job selling home decor. (And in case you're wondering, bar prep is a 12-16 hour day every day for two months).  I got married six weeks after I sat for the bar. 

    I did as much as I possibly could before my life went to warp speed stress but only for things that DH and I could do just by ourselves.  For anything that involved the time of others, even though it was far from convenient for me, I managed to find a couple of spare hours while I was being stretched thin.  I find it difficult to believe that you won't have five hours on a Saturday in August to find dresses.

    The ladies on the other boards are telling you that you are nowhere near crunch time and honestly, this is too far out to be ordering dresses.  If your BMs really wanted to order them now, they'd be all over you about this, which it doesn't sound like they are.
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  • I don't blame you.  Sometimes people on the boards are rude, or so set on etiquette that they seem like it's "Do this at this time or you'll be rude and horrible and no one will ever talk to you again".  Honestly?  Everyone's schedule is different.

    My wedding is next July.  I already have my dress.  Everything has to be done and ready by the time I graduate next May, since I'll be job and apartment hunting in all of my spare time after I graduate, since FI and I will be moving after the wedding.  You could always just ask your girls what kind of dresses they like and what their budgets are.  Then pick a dress that fits those.  Tell them when to order the dresses, what color and style, and then you're done.  

    You just have to do what makes you happy, or is best for your life right now.  Ignore all the rude people since honestly I don't think what you're doing is rude or too early.  Every situation is different and all you can do is what works best for you.  Good luck!
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  • I always find it amusing when the etiquette people are horribly rude. It's just so hypocritical. And then someone will ask a question, briefly mention something, and the rest of the thread will be yelling at the person for being rude, no matter how many times the OP says, "This is how it's done where I live and doing what you say would be rude."

    The etiquette board is helpful for some things, but I recommend going with what time, budget, and custom allow. Weddings are a lot harder for students and we can't all be perfect.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_when-did-weddings-become-about-everybody-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:47182a2a-1000-46a4-932f-3ab6249db9e3Post:0b48760a-7e2c-41c0-90fd-cc735ce3335e">Re: When did weddings become about everybody else?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It stopped being your day when you decided to invite guests. Everyone has busy lives.  You are far from being alone in this respect.  When I got married, I had just moved to Philadelphia, was trying to find a job in law, was studying for the PA bar exam after four years of practice in Ohio and was working a part time job selling home decor. (And in case you're wondering, bar prep is a 12-16 hour day every day for two months).  I got married six weeks after I sat for the bar.  I did as much as I possibly could before my life went to warp speed stress but only for things that <strong>DH</strong> and I could do just by ourselves.  For anything that involved the time of others, even though it was far from convenient for me, I managed to find a couple of spare hours while I was being stretched thin.  I find it difficult to believe that you won't have five hours on a Saturday in August to find dresses. The ladies on the other boards are telling you that you are nowhere near crunch time and honestly, this is too far out to be ordering dresses.  If your BMs really wanted to order them now, they'd be all over you about this, which it doesn't sound like they are.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]


    Does DH stand for Divorced Husband? If so, then I would be worried about taking GoodLuckBear14's advice, even if it's about planning. Her profile also plans for a new wedding in 2014, so I suppose my guess is right. But I'm mostly disagreeing with LuckBear because she seemed a bit rude in her post and she seemed to enjoy the pressure she was under at the time.

    But back to the question at hand!

    Do what you feel you need to do. The only thing I caution you about as far as picking dresses and such so early, is that new styles come out and you and the other girls may desire to change the dresses. But if you all find something that you love right now, then go for it. It is never too early to go looking at what the market has to offer and get handy with the terms and styles put out by designers.

    Please don't get too discouraged by what some Knot posters reply with and do things at your own, comfortable pace. :) As long as you're happy, everything will fall into place.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_when-did-weddings-become-about-everybody-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:47182a2a-1000-46a4-932f-3ab6249db9e3Post:a32b3592-d77d-4b33-b9cd-b2250af625a1">Re: When did weddings become about everybody else?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: When did weddings become about everybody else? : <strong>Does DH stand for Divorced Husband?</strong> If so, then I would be worried about taking GoodLuckBear14's advice, even if it's about planning. Her profile also plans for a new wedding in 2014, so I suppose my guess is right. But I'm mostly disagreeing with LuckBear because she seemed a bit rude in her post and she seemed to enjoy the pressure she was under at the time. But back to the question at hand! Do what you feel you need to do. The only thing I caution you about as far as picking dresses and such so early, is that new styles come out and you and the other girls may desire to change the dresses. But if you all find something that you love right now, then go for it. It is never too early to go looking at what the market has to offer and get handy with the terms and styles put out by designers. Please don't get too discouraged by what some Knot posters reply with and do things at your own, comfortable pace. :) As long as you're happy, everything will fall into place.
    Posted by halfbreedfox[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I can't tell if you're serious...x_x DH stands for "Dear Husband." On the Nest (and even on the Knot) that's how people refer to their husbands. If it was her ex-husband, people usually say XH.

    </div>
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Oh FFS, you got good advice on that thread.  You can do things that only involve YOU whenever you want.  When you're involving other people you have to be courteous with their time and not try to have them buy a dress half a year before they need to.



  • I'm assuming you aren't paying for the bridesmaid dresses, that your bridesmaids are.  They just give them a deadline, say Aug or Sept, that they should have dresses picked and ordered by, and leave it be.  No more worrying for you about that til Aug, no more nagging them.  Just ask them in Aug if they've ordered their dresses, and you can focus on other things in the mean time.
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  • OP, I understand what you're saying. I feel like any time I've looked at any wedding advice--magazines, other websites, etc.--there is this common idea that things *have* to be done a certain way. Most commonly the statements will start out like "Of course you need...." or "Obviously..." Those are the worst. If the message at the end of the day is that your wedding should be what you want, then literally *everything* can be however you want it. I don't think there are things you HAVE to do, because what is considered important is going to vary from person to person. 

    For my situation, my BMs were just excited to be a part of my wedding, and knowing that they would get to try on dresses was exciting for them. In January I picked an August date, and that same month we found their dresses and they had them ordered, and all of their dresses came in within the last month. It's just how things happened to work out.

    You do what works for you and your situation. You could just ask them to work it out among themselves, and see what they bring back. Ask them to choose their top 3 if they are having issues picking just 1. Whatever the case, if you need/want to look for their dresses soon, then I don't think that's unreasonable at all. And if you come across more comments oppose what you're trying to ask/do, just ignore them, honestly. What harm is that going to do, right? 
  • I'm a full-time student, graduating this August, and planning my wedding for April 2013.

    My fiance and I have picked our colors, we are looking for a venue, and I've told my girls which color/designer I want for their dresses. They get to pick the style as they know better than I do what style looks good on them. This way, they can browse, and get an idea on prices so they can budget accordingly.

    Only one of my 'maids lives local, and the others are all over the country. Once we book a venue and we have a confirmed date for everything, I'll talk to the shop we may be ordering from to see when they need to order their dresses by (and aim for having the orders in a month before that date).
  • OH I feel your stress....We have been engaged for TWO YEARS NOW... when we set the date, I was due to gradutate the masters program two weeks prior to the wedding, so I was on the ball. Setting everything in motion, booked the hall right away, the chapel a few months later, ect ect. EVERYONE knew why I was doing it the way I was, now two months before our wedding they are all freaking out.... One got pregnate, but is all good, one is in another wedding 3 weeks prior out of state... so every detail inculding the week of was planned way in advance.

    Now when it came down to invites and guests lists. I was on my own. They were all too busy, family mad since were having adult only.... BUT we just made the best of it... It will all work out. I PROMISE. just have faith. I understand where you are coming from as I am not graduating this year but next. It worked out much better for me but I am still in school, working and planning. IT can be done, and things will work out for you... Just tell them what you want.. and like a few others said, don't stress, tell them order by this day and I will leave you be. Just make sure you tell them MORE THAN ONCE and EMAIL them all the things you wish to have, then have them tell you they are ok with it... ti will save you in the end.


    hope all this helps, good luck and congrats
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_when-did-weddings-become-about-everybody-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:47182a2a-1000-46a4-932f-3ab6249db9e3Post:a32b3592-d77d-4b33-b9cd-b2250af625a1">Re: When did weddings become about everybody else?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: When did weddings become about everybody else? : Does DH stand for Divorced Husband? If so, then I would be worried about taking GoodLuckBear14's advice, even if it's about planning. Her profile also plans for a new wedding in 2014, so I suppose my guess is right. But I'm mostly disagreeing with LuckBear because she seemed a bit rude in her post and she seemed to enjoy the pressure she was under at the time. But back to the question at hand! Do what you feel you need to do. The only thing I caution you about as far as picking dresses and such so early, is that new styles come out and you and the other girls may desire to change the dresses. But if you all find something that you love right now, then go for it. It is never too early to go looking at what the market has to offer and get handy with the terms and styles put out by designers. Please don't get too discouraged by what some Knot posters reply with and do things at your own, comfortable pace. :) As long as you're happy, everything will fall into place.
    Posted by halfbreedfox[/QUOTE]

    Actually, I've been on TK for a lot longer than my posts suggest.  2014 isn't my real wedding date; it has already happened.  I'm not going to get into the reason for the AE because frankly, it's not your business.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_when-did-weddings-become-about-everybody-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:47182a2a-1000-46a4-932f-3ab6249db9e3Post:0b48760a-7e2c-41c0-90fd-cc735ce3335e">Re: When did weddings become about everybody else?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It stopped being your day when you decided to invite guests. [/QUOTE]
    Agree completely. Any time you're hosting an event, shouldn't your guests be your primary focus? 
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  • I honestly don't see an issue with ordering the bridesmaid dresses this early at all, and I'm surprised others would tell you not to order early.  Personally, I had my girls order their dresses from Alfred Angelo & asked the store how early they needed to get their orders in.  The store said at least 4-5 months in advance because the dresses could take a long time to come in and additional time is necessary for alterations.  I asked my girls to order their dresses in Jan/Feb of this year in prep for our June 30 wedding, and no one took issue with that at all!  Like most the ladies here, I work full-time, attend full-time graduate school, and am planning our wedding too.  If your schedule requires that you get something done in advance, people generally understand and go with the flow.  That is, unless their selfish and annoying, in which case they probably wouldn't make a good bridesmaid anyway.  And, to a die-hard wedding planning fanatic, maybe you're breaking the rules by ordering your bridesmaid dresses 7 months in advance but WHO THE HECK CARES?!  As long as it doesn't cause some sort of rift between you and your girls, it's no big deal.  Frankly, any Knottie that gives you unsolicited advice on something like when to order dresses needs to get a life.

    It's true that some of the ladies on this website are like wedding evangelicals, preaching about the "right" or "wrong" way of doing things.  The bottom line is that the wedding should be about you and your fiance and your new life together, and your guests are only there to support you guys.  Sure, you have to be considerate of everybody and planning a wedding can make you feel like you're being pulled in a million directions trying to please everyone.  I'm viewing my destination wedding as the biggest and most expensive party I will ever throw, so I better make it fun for me & my man and fabulous for all my guests.  But, no matter who says what, you have to do what is right for you and forget the haters. 
  • I can't believe how mean people on these boards are either, and I think you should brush off the mean comments in your previous post and in this one. I can't believe ladies that are supposed to be here to help and support and pass ideas by eachother treat eachother with such disrespect. If you need the dresses early, then tell your girls when you need them by and why you're planning so early. If they are your friends, unlike the people on these boards, they will understand and work with you. If they know your situation, I"m sure they will order when you ask them to. Do as much planning as you can, when you can, without going crazy.

    HUGS to you for doing wedding planning, school, and more. Keep your head up, do what you can, and forget about these awful people who come on here to cut down people they don't even know about "etiquette"

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  • We just got engaged in March and will be married in June. I told my sisters to wear any long dress they want in blue. Problem solved. No needing to match, no need to order ahead, no need to stress. Give them a color/designer/fabric and let them find dresses on thier own. That eliminates any stress from you. Its the" wanting perfect pictures with everyone matching and fitting my vision" that makes the stress. Its totally up to you how much stress you create in wedding planning.
  • Sydney91Sydney91 member
    100 Comments
    edited April 2012
    When life gets crazy, you won't have time to go shopping on a Saturday in  August as someone mentioned. If you can get it done now, what sense is there in procrastinating? I ordered my wedding dress with 1.5 years to go! I love it, and it's sitting in my closet, waiting for May 2013. We asked our friends to be in the wedding party very early, but we have another year of living together to go. I think it might be hard to lose touch when we all know each others' bathroom routines (1 bathroom and 5 people is amusing and annoying all rolled into one fiesta). We've got deposits on vendors. Some even gave us early booking discounts. Small, but they add up! Don't worry about it and communicate your need to get these plans out of the way now so that nobody's stressed out the weeks leading up to the wedding. It won't hurt anything for the BM's to have their dresses sitting in their closets will it? To get them to decide on a dress, acknowledge that it's a long way away and that once they have it picked, you don't have to keep bugging them about it. Offer to store them yourself so they won't be inconvenienced. The internet is a great tool for this. Good Luck!!
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