Sort of a sticky situation...

dengesa

My boyfriend proposed to me November 11, 2011. I'm only 17... so this came as a shock. I know people say I'll change later on down the road and may not feel the same way about him, but I firmly believe in only one marriage and can feel that he is the one.

My mom knows we are engaged. At first she was horrified (not because she doesn't like him, but because of my age). She has told me she wouldn't want me to be with anyone but him. I quelled her unrest by telling her it wouldn't happen until I was out of college and financially independent. My parents are divorced and my dad left her with horrible credit and huge debts, so this independence has always been important to me. At first, waiting until after Chiropractic school was the true plan. However, after weighing out my options I realized that it would be more efficient for me to move to the city where both a state university and the chiro school are located, so that I do not have to struggle through a second move in between. My fiance doesn't want me to go up there alone, and I don't either. I am not a fan of long-distance. Plus I'd be gone for eight years... way too long. He decided to move with me so that he could work to support me while I'm in school. I am ever thankful for this, because money has always been an issue and I won't be able to work as much as I need to during college. It would be pointless to have two rents, as he would be helping with mine. Being Christian, however, I won't live with him without being married...

Needless to say, we moved the date up to next summer, probably July. My mom is going to be so upset when we tell her... Any advice on what to say?? This honestly was not the plan I had for myself, but it is what is most logical. My fiance's parents are completely supportive of the early wedding.

Any thoughts are appreciated!!

calliopeia2013

Honestly, I think your mom is right to be upset.  If you think that marrying your fiance at age 17 before you are financially independent or have even STARTED college is "more logical" than waiting for the sole reason that you will save money on rent...you are not thinking logically.

If you want to get married now because you want to get married, fine.  That's not necessarily a smart decision, since you're not financially independent.  But people do it.  But the ONLY reason you have articulated here for getting married eight years earlier than you planned is to save money on a second rent.  Getting married just to save money is not logical, and, honestly, I doubt that excuse will go over very well with your mom.  I'm really, really not trying to say this in a mean way.  It just really sounds like your priorities have gotten way out of whack, and/or you're not being honest with yourself about what your real priorities are.

Annas2013

Okay.  Deciding if you are ready to get married is a decision that only you can make.  No one else can tell you whether you can or can't except maybe your parents if they still pay for everything.  Everyone else can give you advice though. 

Here's mine.  I'm 19 and engaged.  I'm not getting married until after I graduate college, which happens to be next summer.  My parents are only helping me financially until I graduate, so by that point I will be independent financially.  Getting married when you are not financially independent doesn't make sense.  Yes he'll be working but how will you pay for school, insurance, housing, food, gas, utilies?  I'm not trying to say it won't work, but you need to think about all of those things.

Get married because you love someone.  Not because it benefits you financially.  This is why a lot of people live together before marriage.  But I understand if it's against your beliefs.  I'm glad you at least notice the possibility of changing as a person.  I did.  Most people do.  It doesn't necessarily mean you change so much that you don't love the person anymore.

Annas2013

Also since the person who posted right after me, there are other ways to save money.  My fiance and I are attending the same school.  Our last year is next year.  He's living on campus and I'm moving off.  There are ways to save money.  If you don't believe in living together, which mine doesn't either, it's possible to make it work.  Use the bus system.  

Coupons can also help.  Don't rush into marriage just to save money.  You can save money in other ways.  I'm going to live with roommates next year and college towns have cheap apartments for students.

Chloeagh

Like PPs have said, don't get married just for financial reasons. If your parents are paying for college or you are receiving financial aid and scholarships, those can be applied toward living in the dorm and meal plans. I will finish my undergrad without paying a cent toward food and housing (not counting the students loans I would have anyway). So, have your FI move with you, but you don't have to live off campus and pay rent out of pocket. Plus, if you are living on campus and have a job on campus, you save transportation money. For the summer, you can take classes or get a job on campus and they will likely let you continue to live in the dorms.

Also: I am long distance with my FI. But we Skype, see each other when we can, and we are doing fine. It's hard, but it's worth it because it will make us more financially stable for when we get married. Plus, I know that I would not be doing as well in school if he lived on campus/in town.

Bay21

I agree with PP's that I think your priorities are a little out of whack. Long-distance can be tough but it works. I live four hours from my fiance when we are not in school and it's hard but since we truly love each other we make it work. Plus it's not like during the eight years that you are in school you'll be stuck in the city alone forever: he can come visit you in the city or you can go see him over breaks etc.

Getting married to live together and save rent may work for that, but it may also compromise a lot of other things (school finances for example). I think that you should take the advice the other ladies have given you and stick with your goal of being financially independant and graudated from chiro school before you get married. If the love is true you will still want to and be able to marry him on the other side of school. Saving money should mean get married.

vikingmom806

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_sort-of-a-sticky-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:655dd5f2-217f-4dc1-a882-474f4c72ecb9Post:b88836bc-8f93-4516-a255-f1377514bf5b">Re: Sort of a sticky situation...</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm just throwing out different ideas here..because I agree with previous posts that it doesn't feel right if you decide to get married 8 yrs earlier just to save a few bucks. <strong>Would moving into a two-bedroom apartment be a possibility? Getting roommates? Renting a house?</strong> I know in college, I lived in a sh!t hole for $350/month including all utilities with 2 other people. You can find something. Just keep your eyes open for it, and be safe. I advocate working harder, not smarter. So something you could possibly combine to save $$ if applicable - cell plan - food budget - share a car/walk/take the bus Also, search the internet for all applicable scholarship. I know I appllied for a bunch, and got my FI to do that too. As undergrads, that knocked ~5k off our bill. Just for keeping a stack of essays and periodically updating and applying for different grants. It doesn't always work, but its not that hard to get an essay, recommendation, ect. Posted by rkj4832[/QUOTE]<div>
<div>This.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm guessing the religious reasons for not living together are based on sex. Just because you're living together doesn't mean you have to get busy, or even sleep in the same bed. Our faith is very important to both my fiance and I, and we are going to be living together for two months before we get married, but it doesn't mean we have to go against our religious beliefs.

</div></div><div>Also, would it be possible for you to work on becoming financially stable during undergrad, getting married after you finish your bachelors, but before you go to grad school? Seems like a win-win: compromise of getting married in four years instead of choosing between now at 1 year and waiting so long for 8, your mom will probably be <em>much</em> happier, and you get to work on your own independence before getting married.</div><div>
</div><div>Just some thoughts. They may or may not work for you. Blessings with all of the big decisions you have ahead of you!</div>

calliopeia2013

Just want to add, since I didn't in my previous post, that PPs are absolutely right to point out that the tax and/or student loan marriage penalties may be FAR greater than rent for cheap student housing.

As everyone has pointed out, there are a number of possible alternate solutions that you don't seem to have even considered.  So just...ask yourself what almost every young bride on this site gets asked at some point or another:  why not wait? 

mbatzlaff

My FI and I have been together since high school, it has been 11 years. We've lived together the last 4 years and been engaged for 2. Honestly, our relationship has changed a lot. We are very different people than we were when we started dating in high school. We spent a lot of time doing the long distance relationship thing, and now looking back I'm glad we went through it because it helped us grow and sort out our priorities. We knew we would get marred but we agreed to wait until we could afford our wedding.

You won't regret waiting because there is always time to get married...but you may regret jumping in too soon.

bnhunt92

I feel like I was reading a post about myself. Here is my story.

My FI proposed to me christmas of 2009. I was 17 and a senior in high school. He was 19 and working full time. My family was not happy with the engagement purely because of age. We promised everybody we would not get married til I completed college. During my freshman year of college FI got laid off. He determined at that point it would be best for him to move away from his hometown and up to my college town. He did... I then decided it would be so much cheaper for me to move him. Mind you I am a Christian, I had no intentions on living together before marriage for religious reasons and my family felt the same way. I decided to move in anyway and we are now getting married this summer, After my sophomore year of college.

My advice. Try a year by yourself up at college. You have no idea how much it will change you and your relationship. Make sure you can work through it. Distance relationships aren't easy but they truly test the relationship to make sure it is real and strong. If you guys are still together and wanting to get married after that then make your plans from there. You want to set your self up for success in college and when living with a significant other or husband there are huge distractions and many other things to think about. I really think you should get a year of college under your belt first.

Good luck! I know telling my mom was the hardest part of the process but I would not change any of my decisions.